To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

Seriously, pack up tonight and head to a friend's. No future there.

I'm hoping he's going to surprise you by paying for it?? Otherwise..... ltb

Wow, he's tight isn't he?

You deserve better OP...

Your follow up explains why he has £80k in savings!

Don't have kids with him, for he love of God.

He should be coming back to empty cupboards, cancelled cleaner /sky etc and the dog in kennels.

Why is he not paying for food. No wonder he can afford to gallivant off on holiday without you.

Oh for God's sake, get out of there as soon as possible. This is dire.

.......and who's paying the dog food/insurance?

Well no wonder he's got money for holidays!
Fucking hell, get rid.
I'd pack and leave as soon as I could, it says something that he has savings and can't do this for you. He probably in his head thinks you're doing well not paying a mortgage but tightness is the most unattractive quality. You can do better and should.

You are a complete mug

You don't sound unintelligent op, but for God's sake get your brain in gear here

He is playing you like a second hand fiddle

Fuck that. Seriously. Why would any intelligent women fall for such a knob like this???!

It's not often I read things and sit there open mouthed, but ffs.

You are not in a relationship. I really don't get this, I buy this, you buy that shit. Relationship = joint pot to me. Joint pot for the bills and for living and then fine, each have some 'play' money (which ok, the higher earner might want more, that's fine!)

But who seriously thinks it's ok for a partner to say I'm off and you're not because you still owe me £150.

Fuck him off. Like right off. Get a real man.

And once again AF bang on the money.

Is there anything you aren't mentioning? Like, you've racked up an enormous credit card bill buying designer bags you can't afford, and he's been asking you to get that under control and you've just kept on spending? Because if that was the case, I'd understand his position. If not, I agree with everyone else. I'm not one of the "joint accounts or nothing" brigade, but him being happy to go away without you for his "main" holiday doesn't really bode well, I'm afraid. Him being a diver and you not doesn't cut it, either. I've spent many happy hours with a book on the beach while my partner has been off chasing manta rays.

Fucking hell. Your update makes him sound like even more of a twat!

You still owe me £150 from last years holiday, I'm not falling for that'

Horrible man.

And it sounds like you pay a hell of a lot of your joint living costs.

A PP has it correct when they say he doesn't want you paying any of the mortgage in case you want to make a claim on the house when he dumps you for the woman he really wants to spend his life with.

Sorry OP, but you can definitely do better.

I've just read your reply, mortgage etc...don't just book your own holiday, take your dog and LTB!! OMG what a bell end he is. Sorry .

What about the rest of household stuff? Is that split equally? Eh chores, both do a food shop etc?

Usually in a 'partnership' where finances are kept separate (which is a valid way to do things) a proportional amount of wages are paid into joint account to cover bills and equal spends are left.

Anything extra he has he can save - that's fair enough. Being his house he may want money to do it up etc.
But it should still be an equal partnership.

I'd leave anyone who said they were going on a couples holiday without going as a couple. I'd assume they don't see me as a partner so would do them the courtesy of not being that partner!

What on earth? With everything you pay, you must be paying for way more if you're also buying all the food!!! LTB. He sounds awful. How much do you both contribute per month towards the household?

That is shit op, he does not sound like a partner, this is how you would treat a friend or collegue. A partnership is when you help each other out, and you have every right to be hurt. I would be having some serious words with him.

I would pack your stuff, take the dog and before you go sew some prawns into his curtains. You deserve SO much better. Hold your head up high and drop this piece of crap.

FFS, OP! What are you doing??

Dump his arse.

He is a nobbled pure and simple. I believe in relationships you pay a percentage of what you earn!!

I really think you need to get out of this relationship, OP. He doesn't view you as a partner at all. He sounds petty, mean, and selfish!

The fact that he can go on a couples holiday without the other half of his couple (of 5.5 years) speaks volume, even more than his tight-fistedness does.

Find somewhere new to live. You deserve so much better.

id make plans. save 6 months rent upfront - stop paying the bills and ask him to pay for his half of the shopping - then when and IF he goes on this holiday i wouldnt be there when he got back. id say fuck all - id just remove all my stuff while hes on his jollies and let him come home to an empty house.

He pays for the dog food/ insurance.

I know everyone is saying LTB, but it's not always as simple as that is it I love him, and up until this holiday revelation, he's generally been pretty good with money.

He's not the most generous person, but he does sometimes pay when we go out etc. If I was in dire need and really, really needed the money for something important (not a luxury like a holiday) I'm almost 100% certain he'd lend it to me.

I wasn't lying when I said that our relationship in every other aspect is really good and that we are v happy together. Up until he dropped this bombshell, I never had any complaints.

I'm shocked too, but then I haven't lost my shit and threatened to leave him yet, or tried to make him see it from my POV. I basically just accepted it and left the house in a huff. He hates it when he's in the doghouse and I normally get a heartfelt apology the next day etc so I'm wondering whether I will in this instance. I don't know.

Sorry OP.. probably not what you want to hear but you would be an utter fool to continue to make long term plans with this person.

The signs are there loud and clear. Ditch.

This is so sad, I really wonder how the other couples will feel when you don't go, it sounds as if they may believe it's your choice (possibly because you are less keen on diving) I hope you explain very carefully to all involved, I'd post this to the WhatsApp group

'I really would've loved to come on the couples diving holiday in February, but unfortunately with all my bills and Christmas in between, I just know it will be too a bit much for my budget. Unfortunately I still owe DP £150 that he lent me towards our last holiday, which I am also required to pay back.
Hope you guys have a wonderful time and I am really looking forward to hearing all your news and see the photos, it does sound like an amazing location.
I am sure I will hear all about it from DP, who I am sure you've heard has decided to go without me 😢'