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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
squoosh · 22/07/2017 19:38

Tighter than a duck's arsehole.

Dump him.

areyoubeingserviced · 22/07/2017 19:39

Do you know what OP, I am hoping that he is planning to surprise you and pay for the holiday? I may be just a hopeless romantic.
If he intends to go on this 'couples 'trip without you, I would bin him, I really would.
The fact that he has 80k in savings just compounds the issue

crazyhorses3 · 22/07/2017 19:40

I actually can't believe this. What on earth do you see in him? I wouldn't ever want to be with someone who treated me this way.

PunjanaTea · 22/07/2017 19:40

Is it a skiing holiday? Not that it makes a huge difference but it's less weird for half a couple to want go with another group of couples to go on that type of holiday than say a beach holiday.

It's sounds like he hasn't even spoken to you properly about this though, just assumed you're not going. Which is odd in itself.

Inertia · 22/07/2017 19:41

If it's a couples holiday, he's going to feel like a real gooseberry for much of the time. Doesn't sound as though he seems you as a partnership at all.

Can you arrange to do (cheap!) things with friends while he's away?

ladyyyglittersparkles · 22/07/2017 19:41

Wow what a monumental cunt your DP is!

Ilovetea33 · 22/07/2017 19:41

Like pp said, who'd want to go on a couples holiday without the person they love? And won't he have to pay a hefty singles supplement?

BillBrysonsBeard · 22/07/2017 19:44

Sorry OP but he is fucked up, this is really weird. He doesn't see you as a partnership. I would do anything for my DP to come if our finances were separate.. but ours were joined from the start.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 22/07/2017 19:44

Wow a unanimous aibu!
And I agree with everyone. What a selfish bastard. This is not a partnership if you are struggling month to month paying equal amounts with someone earning so much more.
It would be one thing if it was a one off holiday or friends holiday if that makes sense, but a couples holiday? I would pay for my partner in this scenario and wouldn't even think about it for a minute.

Newbiecat · 22/07/2017 19:44

Is this behaviour out of character? I'm with other people hoping he is secretly paying for you. Could you suss things out with the friend organising it?

Jg1 · 22/07/2017 19:49

Ever since my DH & I got seripus & lived together it's always been a case of "can WE afford this?"
I have money saved that we don't touch, for anything, and we live off my husband's just-above minimum wage.
We've been together 3 years.
Sorry OP but you really need to think about your future with this man. He's showing you exactly where you rank in his life I'm afraid.

MistressDeeCee · 22/07/2017 19:49

Im hoping he's going to say "surprise! We are going on hols together" too. Honest to God if he doesn't, in your shoes I couldn't be anywhere near him again. This level of meaness is truly awful, you're his partner not his flatmate! Go and find yourself someone better than a selfish fucker like that

paxillin · 22/07/2017 19:50

If he hasn't secretly paid he may well lose his friends over this, too.

First night at the chateau: So, LeafyCulprit's DP, why isn't LeafyCulprit coming this year? She can't afford it, so I left her home. Everyone: what a twat! He will then be the fifth wheel on the wagon for the last time, they won't ask him again.

toopeoply · 22/07/2017 19:51

Tight as fuck. What a bellend.

totorosfluffytummy · 22/07/2017 19:51

I don't know a man or a woman who wouldn't pay for their DP to go in this situation.
If the situation was reversed - you would offer to pay for him to go wouldn't you?
x

MorrisZapp · 22/07/2017 19:52

OP?

Mollieben · 22/07/2017 19:52

What!!! This is not normal op - have you asked him to pay for you ? (Sorry i haven't rtwt)

peonie83 · 22/07/2017 19:52

He's a fucking dick. My first LTB

backintown · 22/07/2017 19:54

Eww, meanness is desperately unattractive.

I echo pp's suggestion - if it doesn't turn out that he has secretly paid for
you then use the time whilst he is away to pack up and leave him. Or use the time to find someone generous of spirit to have kids with - meanness radiates to every area of life, not just money.

thisismadness77 · 22/07/2017 19:54

Even (if and I doubt it) he is planning to surprise you and pay I'd be pissed off. Firstly that he's made you feel like this, and secondly if he is paying, that he's made it into a big thing where you should be so grateful. It shouldn't be a big deal. Of course you would be grateful but not desperately so, it would have all gone a bit sour for me.

JaneEyre70 · 22/07/2017 19:54

So basically, he can afford to take you but he's choosing not to.

I think that tells you everything you need to know about him.

stonecircle · 22/07/2017 19:54

Wow - no basis for a relationship. At all.

viques · 22/07/2017 19:54

I don't understand the comments about "oh he has secretly paid for you". That is just as nasty, still displaying his superior financial status but in a very patronising way.

RainbowPastel · 22/07/2017 19:55

Get out now OP he has shown his true colours. He is a mean tightwad.

AlpacasPackOwls · 22/07/2017 19:55

Can't actually believe someone would do this. He's not a keeper OP.