To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

OP what will happen if you marry and have children? How will holidays be funded then? Honestly. As a family me or my DH might at any time have more money available to us than the other (similar level earnings) but when it comes to booking a family holiday we look at whether WE can afford it. Not individually.

How small and petty must someone be to not tell you that you owe that little bit more and to stew and hold it for a year to get their own back on you

And then bring it up in public in front of friends and say that he's not falling for that again - just to make you look like a complete user and habitual scrounger.

You'll NEVER be his equal...

He knows you'll stay and pay the dog walker/the cleaner/the sky TV etc all the while he's off on his Jollies - he'll just come back and pick up exactly where he left off.

Why? Because, he can and YOU let him :(

Aw reading this made me feel sad!

I'm very much into paying your own way, contributing equally (not necessarily equally in amount but in %) and not expecting people to take care of your shit but this is bloody horrible.

I couldn't be with such a self centred and unkind person. They say generosity is the most attractive trait - he must be very unattractive to you right now.

😔 you must feel so undervalued OP

You're his maid/slave. He's got a great deal.

You're clearly not even considering leaving him, you mention the barn conversion and if you leave, you'd have to live with your parents.

Pointless telling the OP to leave when she has no intention of doing so.

just to make you look like a complete user and habitual scrounger.

Except it would have backfired - he made himself look ridiculous and tightfisted. I'm sure the friends have an idea about op and her P's relative incomes. Even if they don't, it would still make him look like a dick.

If I was in dire need (...) I'm almost 100% certain he'd lend it to me

There's still a doubt then that he would "lend" you money if you were in "dire need"??

A friend would 100% lend you money in dire need or give you it. Your partner surely to god would give you money, even if you weren't in dire need?!

And it it were the other way round, you would give him what he needed. Like most human beings in a committed relationship.

What would happen if you lost your job and have no money to contribute? Will he cover all the expenses happily?

OP what are you waiting for? Do you really want a proposal based on an ultimatum?
"Mum tell us about how dad proposed" "Well I threatened to leave him if he didn't".
If sees you as a partner, an equal, why does he remind you how lucky you are to be living in his house? The holiday is the least of your worries.
Find a way and leave him, otherwise by the time you're 30 you'll have no self esteem nevermind a sodding ring that he'll probably add to your itemised bill anyway

I think by posting you know something isn't right.

Unless you're a gold digging spend thrift please dont continue you letting him treat you this way. Meanness is horrible. In the end it will divide you and you may be in even deeper and it won't be so easily to leave if kids are involved.

Ask yourself what happens if you lose your job, have a baby. The fact he's brought up how lucky you are to live where you live is very telling.

You should never have to force someone to marry you. He doesn't want you enough. The money thing is bad enough but can you imagine that if you cancel the cleaner living with his muck!

This isn't a team. Or a partnership of any kind. He doesn't value you. Please learn to value yourself.

Another 'read this to my dh' post.
Dh and I are the annoying so laid back we're horizontal type - and he said 'yeah. I'd pay for you (note he said pay, not lend) and round it up for some spending money too'
Dh has a middle of the range paid job, as do I, so we certainly aren't rolling in it. What we do have though, we share. I was made redundant a few years back after a major operation that put me out of action for a year. Dh paid for everything for 2 years until I was fit to get back to work, just as I did years back when he went back to education. It's a partnership. I know some people don't agree with joint accounts etc, and that's fine - you can be a team without all that.
But you aren't OP.
Find a man who makes you his teammate - I promise they're out there

My feeling is that he likes having a live-in secretary to keep the house clean, take care of the dog, make sure there is food in and look after the boring stuff like Sky and internet. The fact that he also gets to have sex with this person is an added bonus.

This friendship group - do they pre-date you? Do you have the same sort of background/education as him and his friends? There's a touch of Bridget Jones to this - you are great for the time being - you do all his life admin, he has the comfort of regular sex and a steady relationship, but as soon as he meets a high achieving woman who matches his income and aspirations he won't be hanging about for years before proposing - you'll be dumped and they'll be sending out expensive wedding invitations within a year.

I feel you're already thinking you'll need an escape fund then it's already dead. If he's willing to string you along for another year plus , unless you told him re 30 and engaged or you're gone yesterday, then again, it's already dead.

Think about the real reason you are staying with him, since you've had all these comments too if it's a different reason. Is he great in bed? Does he look after his mum well? Does he make the best roast chicken? What is it as it's certainly not love because he's kind, generous or thoughtful is it? .

Oh God, leave him.

You live in a beautiful barn conversion for £800 and he likes to remind you that I would be paying a lot more than that to rent a small 2 bedroom house to myself etc and he's right, so fucking what?

He's loaded and a massive tight twat to boot.

You need to remind yourself you are worth more than this.

OP already IS his equal. He just doesn't know it but hopefully OP is working it out.

Where's OP? what did your friends say last night, OP? Or are you packing ready to go?

Do you ever entertain at weekends in the barn conversion? Have mutual friends around and to stay?

Agree it's quite clear the OP is staying for the lifestyle he provides. Not many get to pay £750 a month, have no mortgage liability, not have to clean or walk their own dogs etc.

Harshbuttrue is right, most relationships work where both parties are equal and there is no resentment over money, work etc.

I think you both see the relationship & the living arrangement differently. He's being tight about the holiday, which of course he's entitled to be but, he shouldn't be shocked if you bin him off over this

OP I'm sure you are a good, kind and lovely person but FUCK ME each and every time you post there's something worse in there. Mainly because you are just recounting stuff without realising the context is so fucking....toxic!

You've been conditioned to being the second class citizen in the relationship, grateful to have any crumbs scattered from his table of plenty.

I was. It takes years to retrain your brain from that. Especially when you do what I did and go from a mean, angry boyman to a kind, generous gentleman who wanted to share his life and everything in it with me, regardless.

That's how it should be OP.

Pardon the pun, but you're worth more than this tosser x

Not many get to pay £750 a month, have no mortgage liability, not have to clean or walk their own dogs etc.

...and no assets or financial security of any kind.

I hope this doesn't turn out to be one of those threads where the OP asks for advice but then doesn't take it.

And no rights as a tenant either....

Nicely put DailyMail. Very true.

I am a bit at the fact people seem to be competing to post nastier and nastier responses here. There are no prizes for being the most bluntly-spoken poster on MN.

DH and I have at various times out-earned each other and paid for each other's holidays when needed. It's never been an issue. I cannot imagine a situation where I would go on holiday without him because he didn't have the money at the time.