To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

So your joint monthly outgoings are £1750 and you pay almost half of that even though he earns three times your salary and neither are you on the mortgage? I'm sorry but that's awful.

When I moved in with DP (now my DH) he had his own house and mortgage. I gave him £500 a month and we went 50/50 on the food shopping.

About 18 months later I changed jobs and my take home pay each month dropped by about £500 as a result so all that happened was I reduced how much money I gave to my DP and he was fine with that because even though we had separate accounts we still classed everything as 'our money' - he would NEVER have seen me struggle with money. When we went on holidays together he paid a bigger portion of the cost because he earned more and it was never an issue for him.

We got married after we'd lived together for just over two years and we then started with a joint bank account where both our wages go directly into it, all outgoings come out of it and we each have equal spending money. DH probably comes home with about £600 more than me a month but we still have equal spends as he'd never think that because he earns more he deserves more of our free cash.

My DH is also awful at tidying up and cleaning so I told him we were getting a cleaner as it wasn't fair that everything was being left to me. He didn't like it, but tough. That payment comes out of our joint account, there's absolutely no way I would solely fund a cleaner just because he's too lazy to do anything.

I can't tell if you were trying to defend your partner in your last post OP but if anything he's come out of it looking even worse.

As has been said, if you marry this man and have children with him I imagine your life would be very, very unpleasant. He sounds awful and selfish and you deserve better.

I'm sorry to say any you are a lodger with benefits, not a partner.

It's not about gifting the money, but sharing your life together. the holiday has shown he doesn't see you as part of his life, but just the person he lives with.

If I was one of the other couples on the holiday and I discovered that your partner was attending alone because you "couldn't afford it". I would be appalled and my opinion of him would plummet.

And I think that would be the normal reaction.

I hardly ever make comments on relationships but, I have children your age and would be terribly sad. Please leave and go and live at your parents. You are too young to settle for such a mean spirited man.
Don't settle for this existence rather than being on your own, it will get worse.
I was married to someone like this and had children with him in the early 80's. I regularly had 20p in my purse whilst he had membership of expensive squash club for instance. It took me a long time to get out.
I read somewhere that in a true loving partnership with unequal incomes one partner should not be worse off financially than the other.
Read all of the messages, not one is suggesting the scenario is ok. Be brave, strong and positive. You have years and years left to find a kind, caring partner.

He has pointed out many times that I would be paying a lot more than that to rent a small 2 bedroom house to myself etc and he's right

Or you could live in a 2 bedrooms house with a partner who respected you, pays half of that, and both have saving and spending money for great holidays together

He has pointed out many times that I would be paying a lot more than that to rent a small 2 bedroom house to myself etc and he's right
He has told you plainly you are nothing more than a house-share, but you provide domestic service and sexual services to boot.
Meanwhile, you miss out on the opportunity to find someone who values you, because you are with him.
This isn't a good thing. You don't need an engagement, you need an escape plan.

Ok so it suits you to live there. You now need to save so you can be independent when the time comes. I think the point is that from what your describe he is not seeing you as an equal life partner.
This instance is a red flag. So the comments here are more about your long term prospects with is man and to future proof yourself, make sure you have savings and reduce what you pay and save more.
This man will not marry you and therefore you will never have financial security unless you provide it for yourself. Good luck.

So - this 'lovely man' is actually a slob who doesn't mind living in filth, and is happy for you to clean up after him - but you don't like the filth, don't like the cleaning and so you pay for a cleaner???!! \He is a happy soul, he gets the cleaning done for free, you don't 'nag', you two dont bicker any more....FFS I don't fucking believe it.

This 'lovely' man 'sometimes' pays the bill when you go out. How lovely. I bet most of the time he checks the bill and halves everything on it. Demands payment for an Icecream on holiday...
He points out that you would pay a lot more in a 2-bed house (why a 2Bed? Why not a small 1Bed?) which is him pointing out how grateful you should be to him for allowing you to live in his house and pay for his internet/Sky/dog/cleaner.

He's mean.

This is SO NOT a lovely man.

Agree with everyone. He doesn't love or respect you. He would treat you with even more contempt if you had children. The cleaning thing is very telling.

huh, walk/run as fast as you can.
I have direct experience of this with ex son in law.

I guarantee, if you left right now, he would move another mug in pretty darn quick.
yes, you might lose some of the "friends" but you will have peace of mind.
he is "lovely" when you fall into line ,but he has got it made.
listen to advice,
restart your life,
this isn't going to end well for you.
you are not indispensable,
what about his relationship history, bet he has been here before.
Please get out, be independent, don't rely on anyone.
please go, not in a year if he doesn't propose, what a load of garbage.
he is stringing you alone,

He shouldn't be reminding you of how much rent you'd be paying if you lived else where, like he's doing you some kind of favour by letting you live in his fancy conversion. That's just mean. You've lived there for nearly 4 years, it's your home. Though I'd put money on him not seeing it that way. You live in his house, that's how he'll see it.

It's up to you what you do in the long run. But if I were you I would start feathering your own nest if you do decide to stay. Right now, as I've already said, he stands to gain much more than you do, you leave and nothing much changes for him, make sure you have something to fall back on.

This is insane, and a major warning light for the future OP. Don't be the new mother trapped at home with a baby trying to survive on SMP because your partner is too tight to give you any of "his" money. Get out while it's still relatively easy to do so.

Look at cutting costs and saving. Cancel the cleaner and put that £80 a month away. Let him live in filth, it's clear that he'll never fully share his home with you so why pay to clean it? Just clean your own stuff as you go. If you have time to take on a second job evenings/weekends then do. Make it so that you stay with him out of free choice and not that you have no better option. Or even just move back with your parents, then you may be able to save all your money?

Your "loving" partner pointed out how "lucky" you are to be living in his gorgeous home and that it would cost you more to live in a smaller home elsewhere?! What a prince!

At least you wouldn't be the maid or in charge of paying for one ... you wouldn't need one if you lived by yourself.

At least you wouldn't be living with someone who belittles you and treats you as lesser.

At least you wouldn't be living with someone who doesn't follow through on his commitments or pull his weight at home.

You are paying almost 50% of the bills when he makes 3x what you do. That isn't reasonable. He knows it.

And he's prancing off on a holiday with couples ... sure he isn't going to be hooking up elsewhere while he's there? He certainly doesn't want you coming with him...

Cancel sky. Cancel the internet. Cancel the maid. Get your things together and move out while he's gone.

I thought that you had children with him but you don't. Just leave, he is taking advantage of you. Move back to your parents and make a better life for yourself.

Can you take the dog?

It doesn't matter if you lived in Buckingham Palace you don't own it. You never will and you cant afford to live there.

If in 10, 20, 30 years time he asks you to leave, you leave with nothing.

He is tricking you in making you think you have something when actually you have nothing.

I have over the years driven around in £500 old banger cars. I owned those cars used them daily and finally when the engine fell out of them I would put them up on ebay and get anything from £60-£175 back and go and get another cheap run around. Friends would laugh and be driving around in their brand new lease cars, which cost monthly almost as much as I paid for my car n total. Then a few of them lost their job, got ill and couldn't afford the repayments. They lost the cars with nothing to show for all the money spent over the years. That is you but instead of paying for a depreciating asset you are paying for an appreciating asset you will never own.

You don't need a 2 bed house. Rent a studio or 1 bed flat and put as much money away as you can then buy your own appreciating asset

Op, maybe read your own posts again. There's an awful lot of negative stuff in there but yet you don't seem to realise there's a lot more wrong in your relationship than your partner going on holidays without you. It's really sad to read. You deserve better.
You've been with this man since you were around 23, have you had serious relationships before that? Do you know what it's like to love and care for someone and have them love and care about you back with each of you been the others priority?

I'd rather live in a little 2 bedroom house with a husband who respects and loves me for better and for worse, who would rather forego a holiday that year if WE couldn't afford it.

I became too disabled to work several years ago, so my DH ended up saving for and paying for things that I'd paid for before. We have separate accounts and a joint bills account but now he pays all the bills. He's never ONCE made me feel bad about him having to pay for any holidays we have now. That's because our relationship is a partnership. If "we" can't afford a holiday, "we" don't have one.

Have you ever pointed out that If you spent that money on renting somewhere less nice, you would have a bedroom to yourself? If you were expected to share a bed for it you would expect not to pay but to be paid - a lot. Since he thinks if every thing in monetary terms. You really are used to accepting pulling more than your weight domestically and financially as 'fair', without having the security of a mortgage.

I'd stop paying the Sky, the internet, the cleaner and the dog walker and explain to him that you've reviewed your finances and realised that you can't afford these things AND holidays, and you've decided that holidays are more important to you than Sky etc.

Also point out that you've been spending £x on food over the years and he has paid £y (which may actually be fuck all). Deduct the £150 that you "owe" him for the last holiday, and he'll probably owe you a fair few quid.

Once you've stopped spending out so much, start saving so that you have an escape fund for the day you decide to leave. Which probably will be sooner rather than later, as you won't be able to bear the squalor.

Oliversmumsarmy Wish my ex had that sort of fiscal attitude rather then spend, spend, spend and then again SPEND some more!

Sometimes men have partners who financially abuse them but this OP needs to have a very serious re think of he whole relationship and where its going.

And what she really wants and where she wants to be in a few years time?.

(She doesn't owe him £150, except in his head)

I can't stop thinking about you.

Sit down and tell him that you need to work out finances. If you can't afford to go away in February then you need to start thinking about the summer. Tell him you will cancel the cleaner. Then say you will both need to take turns in walking the dog, so that means getting up early to walk before work. Again, his answers to all of this will tell you what you need to know. If he blows his top and refuses/doesn't want to do any of this it gives you your answer.

Ask hi. What the £150 is for.

How small and petty must someone be to not tell you that you owe that little bit more and to stew and hold it for a year to get their own back on you.

That is what he thinks of you right there. You owe him £150.

There is absolutely nothing that he does to compromise is there.

It's messy and dirty. He refuses to clean. He refuses to pay for a cleaner. You have to pay.

The house is in his name and he has a huge gorgeous house and a tiny mortgage. Your name isn't on it, you have no investment.

He has all the lovely aspects of having a dog but only pays occasionally for food. Not the dog walking.

He has all the freedom of going on expensive holidays and can pay for himself at the drop of a hat. He thinks so little of you that he doesn't even offer to help you out.

His take home pay is £66,000 and yet he harbours a grudge for a perceived loan of £150, which accounts for 0.2% of his annual money.

He has explicitly said to you how lucky you are and how your alternative 2 bed flat would be more expensive. Wow. Lucky you. Because if you were on the deeds of that house and had to sell up due to a split then you'd be able to afford far more.

He's saddled you with payments for things for which he gets all the benefits and none of the return on investment. Sky tv etc.

He's a total user and he has left you high and dry, and actually grateful.

Pack up and get out. Let him find someone else who will play that game.