To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

OP I've just read my DH your posts. His jaw is still on the floor. He said "Poor woman is nothing more than a lodger with benefits. He's taking her for a mug. She needs to get out, now". 💐

I can understand your disappointment, as you thought you had got lucky and met someone who gave you a lifestlye upgrade. However, the reality of life is - if you haven't earned it, its not yours. You have no kids so have the chance to work as many hours as you like (plenty of young people have second jobs) and not need to be subbed. Cleaners, barn conversions and expensive holidays are not the reality of life for most people in their early 20's - how many of your friends live like this??? Not many I bet. Do your own cleaning and forget the exotic holidays and save your money to get a buy to let for your own security. Only you are responsible for you and your comfort in your old age. Stop striving to live a lifestyle that you, like most of your peers, can't afford and get yourself some security for the long term. If you want holidays, work and save for them like everyone else does.

This man does not love you. He likes having a housekeeper who pays him for the privilege and free sex. Call your Mum, pack your bags, take the dog, cancel all direct debits go home to Mum, start walking your dog at weekends and find a lovely new man who worships the ground you walk on.
Then when you look back on this time when you're in a proper loving relationship you'll realise what a cuntpuffin he is and what a lucky escape you had.

Fwiw I have a friend going through a divorce atm. She was telling us about him before they got married.

I sat there gob smacked and my response was "And you still married him!!!"

I haven't got a qualification to my name I earned very little, I come from one of the worse council estates in the country, I have never been what you would call pretty. What I did have is a sense of how I should be treated. And have a few standards. My dp who I met in a pub in town came from a very posh area, went to a top public school and earned at one point 20x what I earned. I have never picked up a tab for going out, going on holiday, he puts money in my account for all the bills, enough to put 2 children through private school and have money left over.

Op you sound quite intelligent you hold down a job. You could do so much better than this. When you have moved out there is nothing to stop you from meeting someone who has an even better house that wouldn't dream that asking you to pay for your share for anything.

As others have said you are there till he finds someone better or someone who won't be treated like you have been. I bet the next one will put her foot down before she moves in about who pays for what and how much and he will pay

People are being quite harsh here. If you want to have that life and are happy with it- then that's completely up to you! Different strokes for different folks and all that!

Saying that, I do think this highlights some things that must change going forward. He seems to have all the benefits of a single lifestyle and being in a couple. If you were to get married and get a house together, the way things are will have to change. It really makes me uncomfortable when long term partners wont allow you to pay towards a mortgage yet are happy for you to pay towards bills which can vary (and if you did split up would be hard to show you had paid towards a household). Why are you not allowes to be part of that investment...as it is meant to be for both your futures.

If you were to break up, it would be best to do it before marriage/house/kids are involved. I will admit this is a huge red flag.

I also read this to my husband ( not the mean, financially controlling, selfish one I used to have) and he said you should leave immediately.

OP, I can see how you've got into this situation. He sounds pretty cold and devious to me though. I definitely wouldn't wait until you're 30 for the proposal. Instead, I would cancel all the bills you're tied into and move back to your parents. Spend the next year saving and get your own place for your 30th.

(In this scenario, you can keep on dating this guy if you want to, whilst living with your folks and saving, but only if he pays to take you out.)

I can't really add much to all the wise things which many people have said previously. But, please plan to leave him, in a time-scale that suits you. Maybe when you go, give him a bill showing how much more than £150 you have spent on walking his dogs, for example? I'm afraid you are simply a lodger with benefits to him. (That's not a henlodger, is it?)

I will also say there is a recent post about a SAHM with two kids having to justify going to Morrisons instead of Aldi even though her husband makes £80,000. He wasn't so frugal when they were not married.

That would be very hard to get out of. You really don't want to be there.

I really do think the best plan is like @Donttouchthethings has said.

Pack your bags. Cancel the DDs. Take he dog and move home. You'll be able to save SO much money not living with this guy. Focus on you, your career, your savings, you life.

Then you'll be in a much better position fincicially and emotionally.

Find a partner who is your equal and wants the same things or of life.

He has pointed out many times that I would be paying a lot more than that to rent a small 2 bedroom house to myself etc and he's right

so why don't you both move into a less expensive property? That way you will be able to save money and you would be able to afford to go on holiday together and spend your annual leave as a couples should - together. You should have a lifestyle and home that you can both afford if he is going to be such a stingy rat.

What if one of you suddenly became a millionaire and bought a mansion? The other would likely not be able to pay their share so would that person live in a shed in the garden?

The costs you have quoted are irreverent. He earns more so lives a more expensive lifestyle that he doesn't want you to share as an equal. It doesn't matter if he takes home £1000 per month and you £300 - would he make you use clumps of moss/super cheap sandpaper toilet paper while he bought a soft papery brand? I wouldn't be surprised given his attitude. The principal is still the same and that is why everyone here doesn't have a high opinion of him.

You have been together 5.5 years and he hasn't committed to you yet .. he treats you like a new gf/house mate not a partner. He should want to take you on holiday and share the benefits of his current job. You should be pooling resources to support one another in every way whether than be emotionally, financially and so on if you are truly committed as life partners

move back to your parents. Spend the next year saving and get your own place for your 30th

This^

Start planning your future security.

Harsh please RTFT. The op I not in her early 20s, she pays for the cleaner. The barn is not hers and she paid for the last holiday and isn't going on the next one.

As for the BTL comment you really are on a different planet. Surely if she can't afford a holiday she wont be able to afford the 25% deposit for a BTL

Your best 30th birthday present will be buying your own home.

You don't need an escape fund. Move in with your folks, cancel all the contracts for Sky etc (not just the direct debits). Save for a few months, move to a lovely one bed of your own, or into a nice house share.

Oh Op, I really feel for you. He sounds a miserable git. You are worth someone treating you better. It's not about the money but about how he sees you & from everything you have posted, he definitely doesn't see you as an equal (& certainly not a life partner).

Try to detach yourself & think what you'd say to a friend who was in this position - I'm sure you'd tell her she deserves better & to cut her losses. Good luck

Strangers telling her to leave even though they only know a snippet of her life IMO is harsh. The whole point of AIBU is to give your opinion and while people feel like that, that is my opinion after RTFT.

I would much rather live in a 2 bed house on my own than with a tight fisted slob, who takes advantage of me at every possible opportunity and makes me feel insecure about my future to boot.

Hos many times have you had these type of conversations?

Op before you moved in I presume he paid 100% of the bills, sky, internet, etc and his own food. If he didn't dip into his savings I wonder if he could afford to go on holiday.

I've read some things on MN but this really is bad. Especially shocking if everything else is perfect. The two things just don't go together.

But then it unravels a bit. The split of the household finances. The reminding you how well you're doing to be living so cheaply. The fact you've a time limit in your mind for a marriage proposal. You deciding to start a nest egg in case things don't last. Not so great really and ties in much more with his behaviour about the holiday.

This is a massive red flag for the future. He is in charge, you are very much secondary. You are certainly not a priority for him. You'll do fine for now but he's keeping his options open.

Think carefully about staying with him. Think how he might be as a partner if you ever had children with him. You're much more stuck then. So run for the hills now!

YANBU this is very shitty of your DP (not sure if you can really call him that to be honest) it's pretty obvious that even after nearly 6 years, he doesn't see this relationship as a 'partnership' and his money is more important to him - he doesn't value your relationship if he is willing to leave you behind rather than pay what would be a measly amount of money to him, for you to accompany him on Holiday. I'd be having a serious talk about where you stand OP!

I lived in a house, that I actually bought with my ex, but he was determined to get the mortgage in his name alone.

His reasons were, I wouldn't get a mortgage based on my shitty wage, and I would cost the mortgage application if I was added. It was better he got it alone.

He never added me to the deeds after promising he would. I paid all the bills, and pretty much everything in that house. He did nothing. I cleaned it. He didn't.

Although your situation is different, my god, the red flags are there.

He was tight too. I would lend him money (which he would forget about), he would never lend me money. If he went out, I'd say I'll come, and he would say...but you've got no money.

Threatening to leave unless someone proposes. Someone who loves you and wants a future with you, would be proposing already or planning to without any cajoling.

Bringing up the £150 from last year? Seriously?

I left. I had nothing. I had debt (his). I had no claim on the house. He sold up and made a nice profit. But I am not bitter.

Because 3 years later I met my soul mate. He is the kindest, sweetest, loveliest man. He would never see money as being 'lent'. Everything is 'ours'.

OP. We do know how hard it is to leave, and how easy it is to say LTB! But these red flags are bad.

(also ex didn't lift a finger and was very messy - current DH - he does 50/50 housework)

I'd be talking it through with friends and getting support right now. And second the cancelling cleaner, and sky, dog walker.

Good luck x

You're going to stay with him aren't you? I knew when I read the converted Barn bit.

What is this with fully grown women not being named on mortgages? Get wise.

Sorry that last bit was aimed at the OP Glue.

Wow! I can't believe he brings up the fact you are lucky to be living on his house & you agree with him! Wtf?

You sound almost brainwashed by him, you are not lucky, he is. He has found someone he is not committed too, to pay for half of his utilities, so he can spend more of HIS money on himself.

Before you moved in I bet his house never got that messy, then you moved in & he expected you to clean up for him and when you refused, you pandered too him and brought a cleaner for his house? He's playing you for a fool and your falling right for it.

Stop playing the caring wife role, he does not think of you like this. You are convenient for now, and when you stop being convenient do you think this man will do the right thing & give you anything? No.