To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

Just for context...

I own the house that DP and I live in, outright.

It suits me that way. He more than pays his way, but I've never thought to tally up how much. I don't give a fuck, tbh. I'm just glad he's here because he makes my life brilliant and I love him.

I never, ever, EVER think of it, let alone mention it to DP.

If I did, even in jest, he would be really really hurt, and rightly so. Even thinking of how hurt he'd be and the expression on his face if I pointed out how much rent he'd have to be paying if he didn't live with me makes me feel a bit sad.

Your DP should not be saying things like that to you.

I hope this acts as an eye opener to his attitude towards you (and the horde of mnetters saying this isn't right)

It might not be the split of the bills that upsets you. But constantly reminding you how lucky you are to be able to live there?! Jeez. He's making you feel grateful for spending all your money on him and not having anything at the end of it!?!

What did your friends say yesterday?

To back up what others say. This is no way to live. If you have kids you will get really screwed over on this basis and they will end up with a Disney dad who gets all the treats whilst you pay for the nappies - and change them too as I can't see him doing that either! Even if you do still live in the same house.

I would cancel the dog walker, the cleaner and the sky (I would keep the internet if you use it and it's cheaper than a phone based deal otherwise ditch that too). I would then cut the food shop down to a minimum - it is possible to live on £1 a day per person. If he questions - tell him you are saving as you need to have savings for the future like he does - so you can't afford these luxuries.

I agree with some you shouldn't expect to live rent free in his house - but I would also consider your future position - would you continue to rent alone or would you be trying to save for your own house/asset at this point if you were not living there. 5yrs is a long time to give up in the asset race!

At the end of the day it is your future and no doubt all of this has come as a shock and is hard to take in - but you are strong, you do have options. We are all hoping that you can make use of them before this mess gets any worse! Good luck OP!

In a nutshell, I pay about £750 a month on average on outgoings. I think his outgoings are about £1000 a month as he pays for all of the household insurances etc

So, in my world.

If my OH was on 3 times as much as me, we'd take this £1750 a month and round it up to £2000. Then the higher earner would pay 3/4 of this [£1500] and the lower 1/4 [£500], give each the same proportion of own spends to do as they see fit. Over time, this has worked out that we each pay 65% of our take home into a joint account, and that pays for the mortgage, food, joint fuel, home improvements - all the things that we SHARE. The rest is ours to do with what we want. I save, and spend a very small amount. He pays for his daughter's uni and associated expenses, and tennis. footie season ticket etc etc.

InvisibleKittenAttack

Since he pays for dog food and insurance, it sounds to me like it was a joint decision,
Again though if it came to a split, I dare say he would claim ownership of the dog because he feeds it and insures it. (All for a lot less money than getting the dog walked)

Do you love him OP? In your heart of hearts, is this man someone you feel loves and cherishes you in his life? Because it's really not coming across that way from what you write.

Why do you love him? What are the qualities this man possesses that makes him shine above all others?

Please don't settle for a relationship of convenience. You deserve so much better

You are a fool OP, really you are. Go, please just go.

Ok, so you have 1/3 of his wage coming in a month, so £1,800, your costs are around £750 a month. But something's happened recently that's taken all your spare cash and savings.

On the face of it, you should have savings to cover this but whatever the other thing is, he can't really sympathise if he won't help out.

Another proper talk, is he trying to prove a point? Does he not see you as a long term partnership? (And swallow your pride about his offer to pay half the dog walker if you do keep your finances separate)

Forget the diving holiday, time to discuss how he sees your future together or if he doesn't.

Don't wait another year for your ultimatum, have the chat now, nothing is going to change in 12 months time that hasn't changed already in 5.5 years.

Be prepared to not hear good news.

What will the other couples think when he turns up on this holiday without you? What will he say to them - that you didn't come because you can't afford it? He will look like a fool. It's embarrassing and he will make everyone feel awkward.

I don't need to add to the unanimous chorus of how awful your partner is.

I do believe you really love him but you need to ask yourself why? Better a broken heart right now than in a few years when you could possibly have dc.

Plus you actually need to get to the underlying reason as to why you were/are willling to put up with such appalling treatment. Maybe you know or maybe it's buried deep in your subconscious. But as well as getting away from him you need to do it because abusive men can sniff out vulnerability.

You are at best his will do for the minute plus his friends sound like massive arseholes, you know birds of a feather flock together don't you.

I have not read it all but...WTF? What a mean person! I wouldn't even want to talk to someone that mean, never mind have a relationship with them. In my relationship there is no his money or her money, it's all our money (I earn all of it but that's not the point, he does many other equally essential things).

He doesn't love you. Men don't treat women like this if they love them.

No big surprise he expects a woman (either you or paid help) to take on his share of cleaning

And you might as well rent another house for your 800/month because if you split that money will be dead money. You are enabling his lifestyle with all the monetary advantage being his and yours completely zero

And you are "grateful" for this ? You certainly have him on a pedestal. I feel sorry for you that this is all you think you are worth.

He has pointed out many times that I would be paying a lot more than that to rent a small 2 bedroom house to myself etc and he's right.

WTF? He reminds you of this? I beg you to listen to everyone on here, without knowing you, everything you've posted on here screams emotionally and financially abusive. I speak from bitter experience, it is better to downgrade momentarily and be free than to live under these conditions. Life is not about nice barn conversions, it's about being with people who truly love, support and respect you. That is simply not the case here is it? Sit quietly, ask yourself and you'll hear that quiet inner voice that we spend so much of our lives ignoring whisper the truth. You and your future are worth more than this n

You're his flatmate, OP. Sorry.

this is horrible.. just proves the age old saying.. you don't know what goes on behind closed doors Sweetheart.. he's not going to marry you.. he's simply waiting on you leaving on your 30th Birthday.. alleviating him of all responsibility of ending the relationship.. I'm sorry but he's a CREEP x

He has pointed out many times that I would be paying a lot more than that to rent a small 2 bedroom house to myself etc and he's right
But at least you wouldn't have to share it with a selfish user like him.

What a pain in the backside this fellow really is. I would not tolerate this and would tell him he is a tight-fisted bastard. Do you really want to live with someone like this?

Argh! Just read your last post and that's the whole problem 'I wouldn't expect it to be a gift' or something along those lines. Years with this awful man have meant your expectations have been dropped so low.
In a normal relationship the other partner (with that income and savings) would say:
A) I'll pay, I know you've had a lot on your plate financially (loan or not loan, there would be no emotional strings attached)
Or
B) if you can't afford it, I won't got either (possible followed by let's just go on a cheap break together)

That would be NORMAL. Please oh please op talk to your friends, your view of what is ok has been so skewed by years with this man.
He is not a good man. You deserve better.

Seriously, OP, this is the most unanimous thread I've ever seen on Mumsnet. And I've been here a long time.

My DP and I don't live together, so we don;t have 'joint' finances, but - I book holidays, tell DP how much it is, and he (sometimes) pays me half. Sometimes he forgets, sometimes I forget, but the point is that we are a couple, and it's not important who pays. Just that we are on holiday together. (I earn approx twice his wage)

I don't care who pays, we/I certainly don';t keep a 'tally' of it all!

That' is because we are a couple and have a long term future.

He takes home five and a half grand a month! Wow

So he is on about 100k gross. I think he could treat his future wife to a holiday

You have to tell him that you don't believe you owe him £150, where did that come from and why has he stewed on it rather than mention it.

Tell him you have a lot less left over at the end of the month than he does and so (with the other thing you paid out for) you don't have much money left over.

Tell him you were then very hurt that he has just automatically assumed you would not go on holiday because it hasn't occurred to him to ask you what you could do, as a couple, to solve this. Either he could have offered to pay (up to you if you wanted to accept) or if you couldn't afford it he should have said you, as a couple, won't go. It's the fact that he hasn't mentioned trying to help with this that's hurt you so much and I understand and sympathise with that. You don't want an all paid holiday but for him to ask you what can be done, he didn't ask, hasn't discussed it, it's hurtful. Just discuss that if you don't want to discuss all the other finances, should give you your answer. (If he says he shouldn't have to worry about your finances then pack a bag and leave, take the dog too, no one, even your dog, should live with such a selfish shit.)

He has pointed out many times that I would be paying a lot more than that to rent a small 2 bedroom house to myself etc and he's right

So you've had conversations plenty before, about the finances and how you feel? and he likes to put you in your place, and STFU?

Or he just randomly likes to put you in your place, And make you oh so grateful to him?

It sounds as well that you've both used money to avoid awkward conversations and to "win" arguments. You won the "how clean should the house be?" Argument by hiring a cleaner he didn't want, rather than making it clear you wouldn't live in a messy house or do all the cleaning so he had to do some of it or split up.

He "wins" the unfair division of costs argument by pointing out you couldn't live alone for that amount. (Failing to see that he also couldn't live alone for only £1k, and you could share with a flat mate for less).

You "solved" the problem of the dog caused by your change of job without having to involve your DP or discuss rehoming.

In a couple who share finances and have a lot less money coming in each month, then these issues would have to be properly discussed, arguments had and possibly decide you aren't compatible.

Whatever the "thing" is that's happening now that's taken all your spare cash/savings, is this a long term issue?

You need a new conversation about how you live and where your relationship is going. This only worked when you had £1.5k a month spare.