To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

I agree with most others 5.5 years and he's not willing to pay for you to go on holiday with him. I honestly wouldn't see a future with him.
I'm not one for throwing all the money into a shared pot, me and my bf keep it seperate. But neither of us would let the other go without if we had the money. I really can't stand meanness with money though.

If you'd be paying less in board living with your parents than with him, then I'd move out now! Cancel the things you pay and tell him, you'll have more opportunity to save living with your parents than him. You don't have to break up, if you don't want to. But I'd make it clear that you can't live with him if he doesn't see you as a partner.

Do you pay the cleaner because he considers cleaning to be your sole responsibility? IE not his

A lot of people think their christmases have come at once when they meet a rich man - this young average earner meeting someone who earns £80,000 and gives her a lifestyle where she doesn't have to pay rent, has a cleaner, dogwalker and all the trappings that you normally have to work for years to afford. Maybe there is an argument for people of both genders to try to meet someone who earns a similar amount to themselves - when someone earns far more, it can make the lower earner feel left behind and the higher earner feel taken advantage of. A rich man isn't necessarily a passport into a lavish lifestyle - and why should it be?? If this guy has already paid for one holiday and she hasn't paid him back, then I can understand why he doesn't want to be taken advantage of for a second time. He probably sweated blood to earn £80,000 in his twenties.

I am truly shocked and saddened to read your post OP. And the other stories being shared. I simply can't believe that this happens in some homes.

harsh go read the thread and polish your comprehension skills before you spout such nonsense.

• He never paid for a holiday
• He has £80k Savings!
• She pays for the dog walker, sky etc

harsh, you don't seem to have read the original post properly.

harshbuttrue - she hasn't stipulated what he actually earns, only that it's three times her earnings. The £80,000 is what he has in savings.

harshbuttrue1980

He hasn't paid for a holiday before.

OP said she moved her money over to his account within seconds of him booking it. As far a she was aware she had paid all her holiday, he never said she was 150 short, until now.

Also OP has said it's not about him paying or lending her the money, it the callousness of him going without her, instead of saying ok you can't afford it, so WE won't go.

It just as much about his actions then it is about the money.

My Grandmother always said,"A man who is mean with his money is mean with his liove."

I have never known this to be untrue. I have a DP who can be -borderline tight as a ducks arse- um, thoughtless about money. Like you, I am not grabby and v generous by nature and I cannot tell you the rage it can cause me particularly now we have a DD.

I am not usually one to join the hysterical LTB chorus but please, please do. Go to your parents, clear your head and get back on your feet financially. You are still very young and you will meet someone much kinder I am sure. I am so sorry you've had the misfortune to meet such a horrible man. He's controlling and mean and he won't get any better.

Please be careful with the engagement ultimatum. My DH lived with a woman for 9 years prior to me. Around 6 years in she gave him an ultimatum so they got engaged. When she realised that was it and it wasn't going further she had an affair and left him. Within a year she was married and had a baby with the guy she left him for.

I met DH two years later and he was the one talking about marriage and babies. When I asked him why had he got engaged to her when he had no intentions of marrying her he said 'i thought it would be enough for her and I didn't know how to tell her she was really great but I couldn't see myself living with her forever.'

His ex is still married to the same man an they are happy and have two kids and we have been married for almost 12 years. There is a better life out there OP.

You are so young don't waste your life on someone that won't give 100%

I would suggest you read the op Harsh.
He has £80k savings it doesn't say he earns £80k
The op pays for the dog walker and cleaner and sky and internet and food and 1/2 the electric, gas, council tax, and every other bill apart from the mortgage. The op also pays when they go out he only sometimes pays. She also pays for her holidays. The £150 he mentioned she had no idea about untill he mentioned it because she had immediately paid for her half of the previous holiday as soon as it was booked

I had no idea dog walkers are so expensive!!!

So OP is paying out around £350-£400 a month for cleaning and dog walking and so can't afford £170-ish a month to save for a holiday.

Then it really does matter who's idea it was to get the cleaner and the dog. If it's the OPs dog, if she decided she wanted a dog she couldn't walk, then I can see why he'd be reluctant to pay for the holiday.

If it is his dog/a joint decision to buy, then if the dog walker became a household expense to be shared, then the op would be able to afford the holiday.

Whether or not it's reasonable to ask for the dog walker costs to become "household costs" comes down to if he wanted the dog in the first place, if the costs of dog walking were discussed before purchase...

The crux of it is, is that he sees op not as a loving partner, but someone to help out with the bills and help feather his nest. I can understand him wanting to protect his assets, or op not being a female equivalent of a cocklodger, but this would mean op being treated fairly and paying in relation to her salary, which is not! His who attitude is me me me, looking after number one first, lending money,when he can quite easily afford to help op out occasionally is awful attitude. You lend money to a friend, not your loving partner, this is all wrong. 7

What then happens if they have children, obviously being the lower earner, she will stay at home, drop of income or no income, so will end up begging for money from him. Please don't get yourself in that situation op.

I think OP might find it difficult to dump the twat her partner over this issue, because it smacks of 'I'm chucking you because you won't pay for me to go on holiday.'

Out of context, that sounds a bit bad.

So, OP, I urge you to think about everything you've accepted as normal over the years - the way he's allowed you to subsidise his luxury lifestyle and enabled him to save a lot of money, despite earning a lot more than you.

Think about the nasty way he spoke to you, e.g. "I'm not falling for that again."

Look on the holiday thing as the straw that broke the camel's back.

Then cancel Sky, the cleaner and the dog walker, and leave the tight bastard.

You'll have to excuse me not responding in a timely manner to things, but I was out all last night and have been frantically trying to catch up with the replies.

I'm not sure how much I want to divulge on an Internet forum to be honest, though clearly it's gone too far for that and in all honesty, I should probably ask for this thread to be deleted.

In a nutshell, I pay about £750 a month on average on outgoings. I think his outgoings are about £1000 a month as he pays for all of the household insurances etc.

The cleaner- my idea, but really, IMO I didn't have much of a choice. He, by his own admission is a really messy, untidy person. For the first year of living together, I was constantly cleaning up after him and nagging him to do stuff. It all just fell on deaf ears all the time and I got fed up and said if he couldn't be more clean and tidy he could pay for a cleaner. He said no way, that I was OCD with cleaning, that he did clean, but when he saw fit and not when I nagged him to do so (this is absolute bull, jobs would get left for weeks and weeks without being done when they were left to him, my friends used to comment sometimes when they'd come round and the kitchen would be a mess etc, floors blatently needed hoovering and I'd say 'Yes, well I cleaned all the bathrooms, vacuumed all of upstairs and emptied all the bins. The kitchen surfaces and downstairs vacuuming was meant to be his job, yet it's been 3 weeks and it hasn't been done and I'd then end up doing it anyway) and if I wanted a cleaner, I could pay for it. It's £80 a month and I know is a frivolence but we no longer bicker about chores and cleaning so, to me, it's worth it.

The dog walker- In May 2016 I changed jobs and went from working from home to being office/ out on the road bound (This job has been a pay drop and will be initially but within 3 years, I should be earning a lot more than I was in my old job) DP has always been office bound and travels a lot for work. A dog walker was the only answer really as my office is a 45 minute commute from home. He did offer to split the dog walking bill, but at the time, I said I'd cover it. Perhaps I should change that.

I never begrudge paying what I do as the way I see it, for £800 a month I get to live in a beautiful barn conversion in the middle of the countryside. He has pointed out many times that I would be paying a lot more than that to rent a small 2 bedroom house to myself etc and he's right.

I really can't go into details on here as it would be really outing (though so has everything else so maybe I just should ) but I have had a lot to pay out for recently (which he knows and 'sympathises' with) which is why I'm a bit broke and just haven't got a spare £1,200 at the moment. I can't pay in instalments as they are booking the whole thing, in one go next week.

To me, it's nothing to do with the split of bills etc. I'm hurt and upset that he takes home about £5.5k a month, every month, has £80k sat in the bank 'for a rainy day' and can't even bring himself to lend me £1,200 to go on holiday with him. I'd pay him back, I wouldn't expect it to be a gift.

Op, what would happen if you cancelled the dog walker and cleaner. Would he help out or get annoyed. What if you cancelled SKY and had Freesat instead.

He sounds utterly awful. If he hasn't proposed it's because he doesn't want to. Please don't waste any more time on this miserable prick.

"Maybe there is an argument for people of both genders to try to meet someone who earns a similar amount to themselves".

How would that work then? As if salary has anything to do with who you fall in love with.

Money is only a problem if one partner has the wrong attitude.

Look op I would rather live alone, than beholden to a tightwad like him. It will only get worse if you have children. You are nearly paying in outgoings as much as him, yet he is earning 3 times what you are, that is not fair and not acceptable.

He shouldn't lend you anything. He should pay or do something that you can both afford. He doesn't sound anything like a partner to me. He won't do housework so YOU pay for the cleaner. He's a massive piss-taker.

He is earning 5.5k a month and he has 80k in the bank, and he is making you feel you should be greateful for what he is giving you. He wants to lend you the money, not give it to you. He does not see you as marriage material, the lack of proposal is very telling. He is probably biding his time with you. You would be a fool to marry him, or carry on the way you are. I would rather live in a poky flat, at least its my own, and I am not being taken advantage of.

To be honest I'd leave him for constantly pointing out that you get to live in his lovely big barn conversion for 800 pcm.

What a twat.

He takes home five and a half grand a month! Wow

Why the heck is he pointing out what you could haveif you weren't there?!

If he'd not been left money then he wouldn't have what he's got.

What an arse.

Honestly, wave him off, pack your things and leave.