Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
SecondBreakfast · 23/07/2017 10:13

Thinking about it again over breakfast, me and DH have realised that the couples that we know that did not share finances have all split up.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/07/2017 10:13

Oh and I don't think he's completely innocent here - there does need to be a serious conversation to be had, possibly for the OP to accept he doesn't see her as 'life partner' but 'girlfriend', in which case it's probably time to move on if she wants marriage and kids.

happypoobum · 23/07/2017 10:13

I will admit I was quite surprised when I read that you could easily go back and live with your family OP as so often when someone has has incredibly low standards in a relationship, it's due to a shitty childhood leading to piss poor self esteem.

Once you have dealt with this excuse for a human being you have the misfortune to be shacked up with, please do have a look at what caused you to accept his "less than" treatment of you. You need to unravel it so you don't do it again to be honest.

I've ended up in a similar situation, and although it was awful at the time, and I thought I would never recover emotionally, in some ways it was the best thing that ever happened to me as I slowly realised the huge impact my low self esteem was having on all areas of my life.

This bloke isn't worth a minute more of your time. He is selfish, spoilt and callous.You can easily do better. Your group friends will probably be silently cheering you on when they realise you've seen the light and are ditching him. Flowers

poppp · 23/07/2017 10:13

There better be a surprise ticket for you with a fuck off giant engagement ring!!! Otherwise I'd reconsider the relationship tbh. Don't end up like my friend who's other half earns a fortune whilst she's on stat maternity pay and he seriously complained about having to always buy the nappies! Fuck that shit! It's just not kind and speaks volumes on what kind of person he really is Flowers sorry he's been such an arse op. You deserve better x

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 23/07/2017 10:14

I don't see that he's calculating, he's just protecting his asset. MN would tell every woman to do the same.

You could just as easily say the OP is a gold digger as you could say he is mean with money. Two sides to everything. If it were reversed and she was the higher earner he'd be called all sorts.

WomanWithAltitude · 23/07/2017 10:16

He definitely doesn't see her as any kind of partner. He should have been honest about that when she gave the ultimatum. As it is he's now just treating her like shit because her fully expects her to leave.

He won't be upfront and say so though. After all, he doesn't want to have to pay his own bills sooner than he absolute has to.

WomanWithAltitude · 23/07/2017 10:17

A gold digger who pays more than half the total household bills?

whatdoessheknow · 23/07/2017 10:20

I'm so sorry OP, the whole set up sounds unbelievable to me.
When I met DH, he was an derivatives trader and I was a social worker. He never asked me for a penny and when we got married everything was just shared. There is no way he would have gone anywhere without me because I couldnt have afforded it Shock Especially a couples holiday! I don't believe it and I could not be with someone like that.

NearlyChristmasNow · 23/07/2017 10:22

I can't understand why someone would sit on 80k, earning almost zero interest, and continue to pay a mortgage. I know I wouldn't

You can do this if you have an offset mortgage - access to your savings if you need it, but offsetting against mortgage interest. Best of both worlds.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/07/2017 10:26

Why Woman ? I was answering Lucisky who was asking why would you keep savings rather than overpay the mortgage, it does make sense to keep savings and not just completely pay down your mortgage then have no savings safety net - particularly if you work in a high paid but low security job.

Yes, a couple who shares finances would sit down together and agree a budget, how much to save each month and how much to keep in savings/pay down the mortgage, but that's not the relationship this couple have. (plus the OP isn't suggesting he clears the mortgage with the £80k, she's suggesting they spend it on fun stuff.)

He's only "taking her for a ride" if he's given her the impression he wants her to be his life partner. After 5.5 years if he hasn't made any moves to get engaged, or share finances, or talked about having DCs, the OP has said she told him she wants an engagement by 30 or she'll leave, she hasn't said if he's said he wants marriage and kids.

It does sound like they want different things from this relationship, which isn't wrong, unless you've lied to the other partner about what you want.

hollyisalovelyname · 23/07/2017 10:27

Has the OP come back?

magoria · 23/07/2017 10:27

A proposal in the next year is meaningless. How many years are you then going to wait for the marriage before giving an ultimatum?

I bet you will have to sign something stating you have no interest in his property then too.

How much are you going to owe him at the end of maternity leave? Who will pay childcare because he won't pay for you to be a SAHP.

What about me than one DC?

How many holidays will he then go on without you and DC because you can't afford it?

Don't waste another year.

BeauMirchoff · 23/07/2017 10:28

Good grief. No. Just no. LTB.

harshbuttrue1980 · 23/07/2017 10:29

OP, could you at least pay something towards the holiday and your boyfriend could lend you the rest? It does sound a bit as if you expect him to pay for the whole lot just because he is a higher earner than you, and that doesn't seem right to me. You don't have children, so his money is not your money. Could you not even scrape together half of it and show that you are making the gesture? If he thinks you don't want to contribute to it at all, then he might think you are being a bit entitled and that would make him dig his heels in and not pay for any of the holiday. Or offer that he can lend you the money and you'll pay it back?

Orlandointhewilderness · 23/07/2017 10:29

Wow. Just wow.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/07/2017 10:31

Woman - but that's my point, does she pay 'more than half the household bills' or does she pay considerably less than half the 'household bills' and then has chosen to take on additional expenses that have used up her 'spare' cash?

(I do find it odd that a couple who both work FT out of the house would get a dog and then pay for a dog walker.)

BeauMirchoff · 23/07/2017 10:33

@harshbuttrue1980
OP is not being entitled. She pays her way. It's about the DECENT thing to do after 5.5 years of being together.

Blodplod · 23/07/2017 10:35

I don't normally post on threads like this but really wanted to echo what everyone else is saying. My husband is a much higher earner than me, in the beginning I was quite independent regards money and could never have afforded half the holidays etc we go on without him paying for them. I got myself into quite a state about it for a long time feeling as if I wasn't contributing enough etc. His words then and now always stay with me.. he said from now on 'it's we, not me' when talking about any aspect of our lives especially finances. If my husband decided to go on a trip alone because I couldn't afford it it would be the end as fair as I'm concerned.

WomanWithAltitude · 23/07/2017 10:36

OP, could you at least pay something towards the holiday and your boyfriend could lend you the rest

He hasn't offered to do this. He said she owed him £150 so he wasn't "going to fall for that agan".

Invisible - I think it's likely that those costs represent at least half of the outgoings. Food is a lot and not being at home in the day makes little difference (e.g. if you take lunch to work with you). He's a miser so I doubt he's spending money on lunch out of the house.

The dog walker and cleaner sound bizarre things to have for someone who struggles to afford holidays, but I assume they were not only the OP's choice.

LakieLady · 23/07/2017 10:36

I have no idea what a dog walker costs,

Round here, £12 per half-hour, per dog. So when you see them out with 6 dogs, they're on £144ph!

AVY1 · 23/07/2017 10:37

OP, as someone who has their own thread because my DH has been unbelievably deceitful in order to exclude me, yanbu. Despite any extenuating circumstances at the very least you would be entirely valid in thinking that he would want you there and as he has the funds to make this possible it is unbelievable that he didn't just say it from the off Flowers

WomanWithAltitude · 23/07/2017 10:40

£12 daily = £60 a week (assuming they walk the dog themselves at weekends). So £270 a month on average.

fullofhope03 · 23/07/2017 10:42

WTF RainbowsAndUnicorn???

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/07/2017 10:42

My Lovely, please go home to your parents, you will save so much more money, don't bother staying and saving.
He is clearly keeping his options open.
Don't accept crumbs, when you can have the full loaf !💐

LakieLady · 23/07/2017 10:43

I hope OP is ok. This must have been really hard stuff to read.