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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 23/07/2017 09:43

Invisible Kitten I don't know what your bills are but 1/2 of gas, electric, council tax, all the food a cleaner sky package internet and a dog walker adds up to quite a lot of money.
Definitely more than the mortgage he is paying off + half the bills.

I think the op should move out saying she can't afford to stay at his house anymore. Even if they didn't split she would be better renting a 1 bed flat than having to pay for everything she is paying for now

ShowMeWhatYouGot · 23/07/2017 09:44

Hope your feeling ok op x

It's hard to read a post when 99.9% are telling you this situation isn't right, please take that to mind when you do have to finally make a decision about him x

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2017 09:48

Still Invisible, he is taking advantage, by allowing her to pay all of this on her much lower salery, whilst he benefits, and that is not a nice trait in a man. He only has a small mortgage, so what she pays for in comparison to her salary and her lack of assets, is significantly more.

GrumpyOldBag · 23/07/2017 09:48

I think if the OP feels the financial obligations aren't being fairly shared with her partner then the two of them need to sit down together like sensible adults and discuss it. Maybe with a spreadsheet. Taking relative incomes into account.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/07/2017 09:49

Oliversmumsarmy - yes, if she has to pay what she pays now. That's the point. If she doesn't have to pay for a cleaner and dog walker and sky package, but is chosing to have them, that's a very different situation to what she's presented.

The savings is a bit of a red herring though - no one should be dipping into savings to pay for a holiday so that they can have a cleaner. If he can afford it out of normal wage, then fine, it would be lovely to pay for both of them to go - particularly as it's a holiday to do his hobby of diving and OP might not chose that resort/time of year to go away otherwise.

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 23/07/2017 09:50

Haven't rtft. Is he paying the mortgage because the property is in his name. Are you married op ?

HipsterHunter · 23/07/2017 09:51

Once again, a low earning woman feeling either being taken advantage off by a higher earning man, or wanting to be subbed by him.

Women - aim for well paying carerars yourselves rather than having your biggest aim to get with a high earning man.

kittybiscuits · 23/07/2017 09:53

^ such bollocks

daisychain01 · 23/07/2017 09:54

the OP said that she doesn't pay towards the mortgage

Of course not! By design. He doesn't want her to have contributed to anything that is an asset she might have a claim against. He's feathering his own nest, right down to the last penny ha'penny. Nice.

Lucisky · 23/07/2017 09:55

I can't understand why someone would sit on 80k, earning almost zero interest, and continue to pay a mortgage. I know I wouldn't. Or perhaps the mortgage isn't that small, or perhaps the 80k doesn't exist. As he seems such a weird person, how does the op know he is being truthful about this. That aside, he sounds like right , and I wouldn't give a man like this the snot off the end of my nose.

ginnystonic · 23/07/2017 09:55

@Squarerouteofsquirrel rtft

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2017 09:57

Hipster what crap are you talking about, where are the jobs? Mabey she has other issues that prevent her getting a high paid job, mabey that is all she could find at the moment. God I hate shitty sexist attitudes like this.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/07/2017 09:58

squareroutofsquirrel - yes, he bought the house before he met the OP, partly with an inheritance from his Gran's death and partly with a mortgage (bought it cheaply as a dump and did it up with his Dad, before the OP met him so she didn't do any of the work either).

WomanWithAltitude · 23/07/2017 09:59

The money is not the only issue here.

There is also the fact that he appears to need an ultimatum before he will consider proposing to the OP. Which is a clear indicator that the relationship is going nowhere because he doesn't care about her as much as she does about him.

WomanWithAltitude · 23/07/2017 10:00

And the stewing over the £150 that he claims she 'owes' him. Wtf is that about?

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/07/2017 10:00

Something I had to check

Invisiblekitten the op said he sometimes pays when they go out. Not often pays.

Sometimes indicates he pays less than 1/2 the times so op is paying more even on that account.

WomanWithAltitude · 23/07/2017 10:02

And she's almost sure that he would lend her mone if she was absolutely desperate. Yeah, such a prince among men....

WomanWithAltitude · 23/07/2017 10:04

In my relationship there have been times when I had more and times when DH had more. It is all shared, all of it. We do occasionally go away separately, but it is never because the other person couldn't afford to go. If one of us can afford it, we both can. We're a team.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/07/2017 10:05

Lucisky - it makes sense if his job isn't the most secure - the OP can't find a spare £171 a month between now and February, so there's no way he can rely on her to keep them afloat if he lost his job. £80k might translate to a year's wage, it does make sense to have access to money if you are entirely reliant on your own wage and savings to cover the bills.

We've currently got 6 months worth saved, we're aiming for a year's worth because DH's job isn't the most secure. Hopefully we'll never need to access it, but it's good to have a safety net - even more so if you are effectively on your own.

WomanWithAltitude · 23/07/2017 10:06

And that has applied since about 2 yrs into the relationship, when we moved in with each other. We only got married after 11yrs, so we didn't wait for marriage to become a team in financial terms.

feralgirl · 23/07/2017 10:07

Christ, don't marry this twat. What kind of proposal will it be if you've emotionally blackmailed him into it? Proposals shouldn't be the result of an ultimatum should they? If you really, really want to marry him why not propose yourself? All this sitting around waiting to be rescued by him isn't helping your situation.

And I have an inkling that, if you do marry him, he'll come over all traditional and expect your dad to pay for the wedding, or at least for you to pay for half of the over - extravagant honeymoon.

Or maybe he's lovely and the £80k savings is the wedding fund Hmm

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 23/07/2017 10:09

daisy that was what I was thinking. He's not doing her any big favours in paying the mortgage, he just protecting his own investment. If they're not married then she probably come away with nothing if they split up, despite paying out for everything else.

What a horrid, calculating little man.

pigsDOfly · 23/07/2017 10:09

Doesn't sound like she's being subbed by him to me Hipster, more like the other way around if anything.

What a very strange world you must live in if your think just 'aiming' for a high paying job is all it takes to get one.

All those feckless, unambitious women in low paid or minimum wage jobs out there, some of them doing more than one low paid job just to make ends meet, and they're all out searching for a high earning man to sponge off. Makes you wonder how there's enough high earning men to go round.

missperegrinespeculiar · 23/07/2017 10:10

yes, I had a boyfriend like this, always counting the pennies, "I payed this, you payed that, you owe me this much" etc. horrible, it ruined the whole relationship, we were otherwise very good together, similar interests and passions for example. I dumped him, could not stand it!
My current DH, we went on a holiday together a few weeks after meeting each other, we pooled our resources then, never separated our finances again! we took it in turns to support each other to study full time, took it in turns to take time off work with the kids, never an issue. It's a different world! I think it is one of the most important thing in a relationship.

WomanWithAltitude · 23/07/2017 10:11

This is bollocks invisible.

If he is worried about money/job security and he thinks of them as a team, they would have sat down with a spreadsheet and agreed how much savings they need to maintain, what the annual holiday budget is, and how to proportionally split bills to ensure fairness etc.

That's what you do in a partnership, but it isn't what has happened here. He is taking her for a ride, because he doesn't see their relationship as a partnership.