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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/07/2017 09:01

Invisible I get where you're coming from. Op could probably save around about that amount of money if she stopped paying for his food, sky and the cleaner. Dh and I never had a dog walker even when both worked full time. Can't one of you go home lunchtime?

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/07/2017 09:02

Should have said. I'd still leave.

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 23/07/2017 09:02

He sounds awful. Will be interesting to hear how he explains your absence to the other couples.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2017 09:04

No invisible, even before we start out, he has more financially, earning 3x hers salery, and 80k in the bank, and a house, op has nothing compared to that! Yet he is expecting her to pay half tge bills. She did mention contributing towards tge mortgage.

KarmaNoMore · 23/07/2017 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2017 09:05

It does not seem op can save, if she's paying half the bills.

Moanyoldcow · 23/07/2017 09:05

Invisiblekitten he earns 3 x as much as her. Any sensible couple living together would split the bills in that ratio including the holiday. She might be able to afford it then.

She pays more than him for bills and THAT has enabled him to save a fortune.

I can't believe you're defending his behaviour.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/07/2017 09:07

How did you end up paying for the cleaner, dog walker and sky? Are these things he had before you moved in and you took over paying for them completely rather than split the cost like you did with the other bills- or are these expenses you decided you wanted to take on?

You have no housing costs to pay, even on the national average wage you should be in a good financial position then, if you aren't is that because he's taken the piss with what he expects you to pay for, or is it because you have decided to take on expenses you can't really afford - that decides if this is a LTB situation or not.

Donthate · 23/07/2017 09:08

He is showing his true colours here. Speak to him and listen to what he says. If he is serious then leave.

AntsMarching · 23/07/2017 09:10

OP, I know someone who married her DH and bought a house together. They split all bills, including mortgage 50/50. He was a higher earner so had more left over at the end of the month. Then she had their first dc and he refused to "fund" her mat leave, told her she should have saved up for it. Then she had to go back to work because of her lack of savings, but he expected childcare to come out of her salary. When she had their second dc, she again had to go back to work (after 6 weeks) because she hadn't managed to save what with paying 50% of all house and food bills and 100% of childcare and clothes for her dc. In the following years, he would take his savings and go on holiday with the dc. She was in massive debt trying to maintain paying her 50% and all of the child-related expenses. Her children are grown now, she still lives in that house and is working into her old age trying to recover from her debts. He retired early. They are still together and she is miserable, but she could never find the right time to leave because of all she thought she'd "lose".

EnglandKeepMyBones · 23/07/2017 09:12

You need to leave. This isn't about a holiday, this is about him not seeing you as a partner.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 23/07/2017 09:12

If he was going to change (or if you thought you would be able to change him), he would have done so by now. 5.5 years is plenty of time to grow your relationship to a deeper, committed level.

He doesn't need to go on this holiday, he is choosing to go without you.

supersop60 · 23/07/2017 09:13

ants - that makes me want to cry for your friend, and I'n not a crier.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 23/07/2017 09:15

I have no other words of advice other than what has already been said!

I picked up on the finances and what each of you contribute straight away. You do realise that actually due to the 'very small mortgage' YOU are probably paying more into the house than he does and you don't even have a share in that?!?!?

You have been fooled from day one, cleverly so, and you are blind-sighted as to what is morally right and what is NORMAL!

You do not have a normal relationship. He's using you for his own gains and not giving anything back.

Please, please, leave him. Go to your parents. Be honest with him. Don't hang around until your thirty. If he wants to marry you, he'll propose now not by the time you're 30! I think you are hanging onto something that quite clearly subconsciously you KNOW is not there.

Don't waste time on him. Don't waste any more time of your life on someone so selfish. Go.

Moanyoldcow · 23/07/2017 09:16

I don't think OP is coming back - I think this is horrid reading for her and she's having trouble facing the reality.

lynmilne65 · 23/07/2017 09:17

Complete arse !

AddictedtoSnickers · 23/07/2017 09:19

Conversation with my DH over breakfast.
Me : There's a thread on Mumsnet about a couple going on a diving holiday
Him : Sounds amazing, we SO should have gone away more and done amazing stuff like that together before we had the kids.
Me : I know, but actually the woman can't afford it and her rich boyfriend is too tight to lend her some money towards it so he's going without her.
Him : What??? Sounds like a total arsehole.
Me : Yeah. Hope she sees sense.

supersop60 · 23/07/2017 09:21

invisible - read the post again where OP says what she's paying for. They split the bills and the mortgage - that in itself is unfair (should be proportional to earnings) and then she pays for other stuff on top.
Stop blaming her. Her P is taking the piss.

supersop60 · 23/07/2017 09:22

OP - he won't change. Do you want to do this for the rest of your life? He is wasting your time.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/07/2017 09:22

No - she said he pays all of the mortgage, but it's small due to an inheritance he got before meeting her.

She pays half of all other bills (so gas, electric, council tax etc), she pays all the food, the dog walker, the cleaner, the sky & internet.

Of those, food is the only one they "need", and for just 2 adults who aren't in the house in the day to snack, that shouldn't come to anywhere near half the rent of another property.

So the question about why those additional bills came about is a valid one - if all he expects her to pay for is food, (and she said he often pays when they go out), then they may already be paying proportionally, if he chose to have the dog they can't walk, the cleaner and the sky package, then asked her to pay, then yes, he's taking the piss.

It could be he's a bit of a bastard. It could be he's sensible with money and has realised his dp isn't so won't share finances.

It could be he doesn't see her as his long term life partner, it could be he's trying to manage someone who has very different attitudes to earning, spending and saving.

I have no idea what a dog walker costs, round here a cleaner is £13 an hour, assuming 2 hours a week, that £112 a month. If she didn't pay for the cleaner she could afford the holiday. Who decided to get the cleaner?

Lumpylumperson · 23/07/2017 09:27

Hope the talk goes well today.

Stressalot42 · 23/07/2017 09:30

If you couldn't afford to pay for the holiday, he wasn't prepared to dip into "savings". Tight bastard!

Them he should've said no to couples holiday and gone with you on a holiday you could afford?

Please do not marry this man!!

emmyrose2000 · 23/07/2017 09:40

If the only reason someone proposes and/or marries you is due to an ultimatum, then they're not worth waiting for or marrying.

TrishanFlips · 23/07/2017 09:42

This is appalling. He sounds so mean and he clearly does not love you. But who wants to go back and live with their parents at 29. Can you leave and rent somewhere OP? Also how come you can't afford £1200 if you are working full time and at this stage would only need to put the deposit down? I think you really need to go through finances with him because it sounds like you are paying more than 50% of expenses. I believe couples should pay proportionate to their earnings. I can though understand property owners being wary of marriage because if you split up after 1 year, you could get half his assets and arguably that is not fair either. Only way forward I think is to discuss all these things and whether you both want DC in the future. Lots of things to balance out. But overall I think LTB.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/07/2017 09:43

Just checked again - at 20:00 yesterday the OP said that she doesn't pay towards the mortgage, she pays half of the other household bills, all the sky, internet, cleaner, dogwalker and the food.

Really if he's taking the piss or not comes down to who decided to get the dog they cant walk themselves, the cleaner and sky package.

I was in the "he's a bastard" group yesterday, but on reflection, if he does think she could afford it really, then a conversation needs to be had, and the OP needs to have a bit of a look at her spending habits first before starting that conversation.