To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

Please don't stand for this, everything other posters have pointed out is true.
My dh has higher salary and earning potential than I. He s always been kind and generous, we would have split bills i proportion to our salaries - i.e. I paid 1/3 dh 2/3. Though to be honest he knew I didn't earn as much money never became an issue in our relationship - don't get me wrong he doesn't earn heaps, we have to really watch what we have especially now with kids and mortgages, and we ve had our money woes and worries like a lot of couples, but especially when we were relatively foot loose and fancy free, the notions of holidays with mates etc and nights away or activities I wouldn't have been able to keep up with dh knew this and simply would have said it was his treat or he was getting it as he could and wanted me there ! He never needed a lesson in basing a relationship on mutual respect and kindness, your dh sounds selfish and horrible to you tbh.

The last thing you need, is to marry this man. He is nasty, taking advantage of you. What you are paying in bills etc, is totally disproportionate to your earnings,, he knows it. Well it helps him maintain an expensive lifestyle, helps him keep his assets, he hardly has to spend much, he's laughing, whilst you have nothing to show for it. He is not a loving and caring partner op, quite horrid actually. Please don't bring children into this, it will get a whole lot worse for you. His recent behaviour is a deal breaker, time to cut your losses op and move with your parents. In time you might meet a decent loving man, but being single is better than being taken for a ride.

He's selfish. Full stop.
Either both of you go or neither of you go - how ludicrous and childish is this?!

He will always serve himself first.

I'd just say, if you go without me I won't be here when you get back and mean it. Meaness and selfishness in a man is horrible.

This is not a relationship I'd be able to remain in.

I keep coming back to this thread hoping that the OP had it out with her DP and it turned out that he was always going to pay for her and it was a surprise and she is now really looking forward to her holiday. But I see that hasn't happened yet.

I honestly would LTB over this.

This sounds like what happened to a friend of mine. Eerily similar, except not the diving holiday.
When she found out she was expecting their 3rd baby, he told her that he didn't want kids after all, didn't think he loved their 2 DCs and that he never really loved her.
House etc all in his name. She and the DCs were forced to leave. She has never seen a single cent from him since. She is a single mother with 3 DCs and works fulltime to just afford to live. He and his family cut contact and his family won't help at all.
She is a brilliant mum but her life would be so different if she hadn't given the marriage ultimatum to a man who didn't know her worth.

OP please come back so we can support you

I have no further advice to give that hasn't already been said. Please come back and tell us how the talk with him went and what you've decided. You deserve better.

worrierandwine - you're spot on.
I hope you managed to have a good talk with your friend last night op. And if you do decide to leave him, on no account let him twist things and make out that it's because he hasn't offered to pay for you on this impending holiday. It is because of the principal of the situation and his general attitude towards you and your so called (sorry :-( ) 'partnership'.
As an aside, I can't help thinking how sad and wrong 'our' collective attitude towards money is these days. And the meaning of success. Will we think our lives have been worthwhile because we earnt shed loads of money so that we were able to buy 'stuff', go on expensive holidays etc etc, (sometimes without our partners, children etc). And will we feel superior towards others because the job we do pays us so much more than others? Do these things make us better people? More intelligent, interesting, fun, empathatic? Hell no.
Good luck dear op - please let us know how you get on. We're all here for you, xxooo

" If I was in dire need and really, really needed the money for something important (not a luxury like a holiday) I'm almost 100% certain he'd lend it to me."

This is not how you should feel. My relationship is far from perfect but I know my dh would do anything for me if i was in dire need (as i would for him). For luxuries I couldn't enjoy spending money on myself while he went without and vice versa.

You deserve better.

OP
I'm so sorry to hear your upset, your dp is a bastard, and I'm sorry you've been paying in more than you can afford.
My DP is in many ways a twat, but during our relationship at different points (about 18mo/2yrs apart) we've both lost our jobs, the other one was still earning and so they, along with our little savings pot supported(is still supporting in my case) us, as a couple.
I'd hate to go away without DP on a couples holiday, (Fwiw I do understand that dp and I aren't joined at the hip and have been away without eachother for work/ we've been on hen/stag weekends/nights away, gone to stay with our own friends and family, with and without eachother, and I did go away with out DP to meet up with my parents and 3 school aged siblings for three nights in April and ended up sleeping on the floor of their Eurocamp caravan in Brittany it was freezing) but not going to something coupley is just mean, and suggests that he doesn't see you as his equal.
Either find a way to look at equalising your finances, or LTB

Sending lots of hugs

Do you not pay for things together ???

*I pay for the Sky, the internet, half of all the other bills, buy all of the food and pay for a weekly cleaner and daily dog walker Mon-Fri.

He pays half the bills that we split and the mortgage.*

So you're paying for all of some outgoings and half the rest?

Holy fucking shit, this rich bastard is treating you as a cash cow when he earns 3x what you do.

LTB. While he's on holiday. And sell the contents of the house on Gumtree while he's away.

One of DD's friends started going out with a guy when she was in her early 20s. They earned similar but he has a lot of family money . Anyway, she issued a " propose by 30" ultimatum and he did. On her 30th birthday. He didn't buy a ring , he gave her a family one ( not very valuable). She is now 32 and he refuses to set a date . He also refuses to start a family until they are married . All her friends tell her to leave but she feels she has invested 10 years and that they will get married one day . Please don't be like her💐

Meant to say 'Should we'

Sorry OP, but your 'D'P's message is ringing quite clear here.

The PP who mentioned that it could be that he thinks you can afford it and are just angling to get him to pay (because you now know about his savings) has made me stop a second.

Looking at it another way, you are not paying any rent or mortgage as you've moved into a house he bought with an inheritance before he met you - if he hadn't got that, then presumably you'd be renting somewhere together, as well as paying the rest of the bills. If you are in the south east, you paying for food for 2 adults who are out of the house all day wouldn't come to anywhere near what you are saving in rent.

The holiday is £1,200 but not until February - that's £171 a month to save between now and then. That's not that much for a full time working adult who's not got any rent to pay.

Could it be that he doesn't believe you can't afford it? Or if he's a "saver" is passing judgement on your spending habits? Are you living a lifestyle you can only afford because you have met a man who's inherited enough to buy a house already and earns a high salary? Who's idea was the dog when you both work so need to pay a dog walker daily? Who's idea was it to get sky when you are both out of the house all day anyway and you clearly can't afford it?

I'm uncomfortable with how many people on here think that he should pay for her holiday out of his savings - a holiday isn't something you dip into your savings for! If it can't be afforded our of monthly "spare" money, you can't afford it.

Op take a long look at your spending habits before kicking off, there is a "where are we going?" Conversation to be had, but if you might be splitting up, can you afford to support yourself without making some dramatic changes?

This is the best thing that has happened to you.
Your 'd'p has shown his true colours in all their glory.
If somebody shows you who they truly are, believe them !!!!
Now run for the hills.
You do not want to be married to this man.
You do not want to have children with this man.
He values money more than you.

OP when you talk to him about this, really listen to what he has to say. What (if anything) he will offer you will be a lot of empty promises. See if he actually DOES anything. I can't imagine why you would want to marry this man. He has set up your life so that he can walk away from it without a backwards glance should he find a better prospect. I would be shocked if actually does something to change that (like put you on the mortgage or pay for your trip without expecting repayment or changing it so that you pay a proportional amount for your bills) . Even if he does though, would you want to stay with someone who has controlled you like this. He sounds like an absolute tool, financially abusive, mean and unpleasant. Please listen to the chorus of 'leave him' it's rare I hear mumsnet so united but in this case, they are. This man does not want you, he wants convenience but no commitment. Please, find someone who will love you AND respect you, this man obviously doesn't.

Incredulous that anyone would waste a year for this arsewipe to produce a ring.

Probably it would be a curtain ring from B&Q.

Are there really women around like this in 21st century?

Op. Think about that proposal, do you really want to be with someone you had to force to marry you? That's only doing it because you'd leave and would rather not?

Surely when you issued that proposal you know if he loved you and wanted to marry you he'd have proposed pretty much immediately in the days after.

And what about if he proposes then messes about over the date of the wedding. Is the relationship you have really want you want for the rest of your life?

I'm sorry you're in this situation but you really need to listen to the 100+ people who have told you this is not how a marriage / partnership works.

He either just doesn't see you as his future wife

Or

He has a warped perception of how money / joint finances work

Both should be deal breakers for you in this relationship, given you've already stated you want to get married (and maybe one day have kids).

The fact that he is keeping a mental tally of what he thinks you owe him is not how you treat a future spouse.

My opinion is that you should leave him, move in with your parents and build up some cash there. If he really loves you and wants you to be his wife he needs to turn up with a ring and a promise that finances will be shared, your name goes on the mortgage and so on.

Along with the ring, please expect an elaborately drafted prenup that this charmer has pre- prepared via his family solicitor just to make absolutely sure you don't get your hands on his dosh.

Once that priority is fixed he'll feel sooo much better.

That's ridiculous.

As soon as my other r half moved in our money was put together. I was the higher earner. Now he is the higher earner and will be massively higher earning when I'm on mat leave. We refer to the money as our money. Not his or her money.

He sounds like a nob and a very selfish one at that x