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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
GelfBride · 23/07/2017 07:13

Cailleach Shock Shock WTF !

GelfBride · 23/07/2017 07:15

It's like they don't see any value in what you bring to their lives. It's about more than money. It's like everything is weighed up for it's monetary value and that is their only point of reference. Shock

ElleDubloo · 23/07/2017 07:20

Reminds me of my ex. He had a good job and I was a student. Four months into the relationship, we booked train tickets to go somewhere together. I booked standard tickets but he got a special offer for first class. He didn't offer to swap tickets and we ended up sitting separately. It was a small matter (just a 1.5 hour journey) but a bad sign.

He was always talking about how much he wanted to get engaged. He was much keener on it than me.

Two months later he broke up with me because my mother died and he said I was grieving too much and it wasn't normal or healthy.

FixItUpChappie · 23/07/2017 07:22

Money aside (though that is as bright a red flag as any you'll see). I have never wanted to go on a holiday without my DH - why would I want to go without my best friend? That is the kind of relationship you deserve.

SoPassRemarkable · 23/07/2017 07:36

My dh is the same and hasn't changed in twenty years.

For the last twenty years he's gone on 2 or 3 holidays abroad with his mates. I can't afford it. We have a Dd and I have taken her camping and the odd weekend at centre parks.

On one occasion I savedlike mad and took Dd abroad. I asked if he would contribute towards dd's share of the holiday and he said no. I'd asked him if he wanted to come btw and he'd said no as well. He said if I choose to take Dd on holiday then I had to pay for it. He never offered any money towards the centre parks holidays either.

He's a selfish twat.

Esspee · 23/07/2017 07:40

SoPass, that is awful!

fruitlovingmonkey · 23/07/2017 07:44

SoPass that is awful. Why are you still with this man?

SoPassRemarkable · 23/07/2017 07:45

So meant to say don't assume being married will change things.

Also when I desperately needed money for a new car dh did happily give me 5k cash. So I know he will give me money for important stuff.

KimmySchmidt1 · 23/07/2017 07:46

No you are not being unreasonable.

Is he not marrying you because he doesn't want you to have any of his money? You don't sound like a proper couple to me.

When I first met my DH, for the first few years he earned less than me (a lot less) and I paid for holidays. It's evened up now.

OlivesandCheese · 23/07/2017 07:49

I think you should talk about it. As he's been generous enough in the past to help you, maybe it's just not crossed him mind to ask you or he doesn't want to embarrass you by asking.
You won't know until you ask! Even my emotionally-unaware-not-good-enough-for-me-don't-know-how-he's-still-in-my-life-so-called-fiancé would offer...but ASK!!!!

wotabastard · 23/07/2017 07:53

How has he been generous in the past @OlivesandCheese ? Confused

KarmaNoMore · 23/07/2017 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bloosh · 23/07/2017 07:54

cancel everything you pay for - Sky, internet, cleaner (maybe not the dogwalker unless it's his dog?). I'd stop doing a big food shop and grab something for myself on the way home. If she complains say you are saving for a holiday.

Bloosh · 23/07/2017 07:54

If he complains ...

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/07/2017 07:55

SoPass. I really feel the need to correct your sentence. "I know he will give me money for the stuff he deems important."

Don't you see? If you don't have a car, perhaps you don't have a job or any means of supporting yourself or means to pick dd up from day care or do the shopping or whatever other reason he has for ensuring you have a car.

The really really important things in life once as a family unit you have enough money to live (regardless of who earns it) is making memories and building a strong family. This most certainly includes family holidays together as a family. A child benefits when spending quality time with both parents at the same time. They learn all sorts of social skills. I know this isn't always possible for a variety of reasons. However, there is no valid reason in your family.

Cailleach Shock

FiveGoMadInDorset · 23/07/2017 08:10

How much is his mortgage and his half of the shared bills vs all you pay? This is why you don't have money to go on holiday and he has £80k in savings

valeriarrgh · 23/07/2017 08:10

One thing I would say is that if you do decide to end things, make it clear that this isn't purely about him not paying for you to go on holiday, that that is a symptom of a much bigger problem, that you are worried about what his attitude towards money and the inequality in your relationship means for the future, what happens if you have children? Will you be running up a bill when you can't work? Will he expect you to use any savings you have to support yourself during maternity leave? What if you get sick and can't work? How is it fair that you pay half the costs of running a home but see none of the benefits? Why won't he put you on the mortgage? It ends he walks away with everything and you have to completely start over. How is that fair? You have every right to be concerned you could one day be left high and dry.

He seems the sort that would twist it into you being after his money, that you ended it because he wouldn't fork out for a jolly.

Miserylovescompany2 · 23/07/2017 08:12

Wow! Just wow! I can see how he's managed to save £80,000.00! You've enabled him, OP.

He must of thought all his Christmases had come at once when he met you.

You've NEVER been seen as an equal, he's made your cost of living so high and his so low. Then has the augasity to claim you owe him £150??? Of course you can't afford an expensive holiday - he's made sure of that!

If he ain't added you to a mortgage/placed a ring on your finger by now - it's because he doesn't want to!

I'd run for the hills. This ain't going to have a happy ever after ending...

jo10000 · 23/07/2017 08:18

Hope you're doing ok.

AlcoholicsUnanimous · 23/07/2017 08:19

As others have said, him wanting to go on holiday without me (and use several of his holiday days from work, presumably) would upset me more than the money. For my partner and I, time together is really valuable.
Stop paying for everything you're paying for and book a holiday with friends.

JaneEyre70 · 23/07/2017 08:21

I think this is the 1st thread I've ever read on here where literally no-one has said to talk this through with your partner. When you said you'd given him an ultimatum about marrying you, my heart sank for you.

ItsNachoCheese · 23/07/2017 08:25

He is anything but nice he is an absolute cuntpuffin and you deserve better than this miserable tight arse of a man

ThatsNotMyToddler · 23/07/2017 08:27

Good luck today OP. Hope you're okay

pringlecat · 23/07/2017 08:30

Not offering to pay (despite earning so much more) would be OK if you were just in a casual BF/GF set up. You live together. You've been living together for 3.5 years and you've been seeing each other for 5.5 years. You should be committed partners by now.

I don't think he sees this as a proper relationship and after 5.5 years with him, that's unlikely to change. If I were you, I'd be calling it a day. He's going off on holiday soon - perfect time for you to pack all your things and leave without any drama.

cordelia16 · 23/07/2017 08:37

I've posted a few times already (I rarely even post once!), but I feel so strongly that you deserve better, OP.

If you don't want to leave him bec you've "invested" so much time already, please reconsider. My sister had two failed 6-year relationships. Both guys were commitment phobes. She left them both, because she wanted a man who loved her and wanted to be with her. She eventually found him... and has been happily married with a beautiful DD for 13 years now... she had the DD when she was in her early 40s, after everyone told her she wouldn't get to have that if she left the second guy (she was similar age to you).

Forget the past 5.5 years... leave now and look forward to a happier future without him. Because that happy future certainly won't be with him. Even if you coerce him into marrying you, and even if he does eventually marry you, he still won't view you as his loving and equal partner.

Sending you tons of support, OP Flowers