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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
DeadMorose · 23/07/2017 02:44

I only have one question: "D"P?

justkeeponsmiling · 23/07/2017 02:56

Wow OP. I am so sorry. What an utter shitbag!

Cornycopia · 23/07/2017 03:06

People on MN and real life have told e how ridiculous I am having entirely shared finances with DH and that I'm leaving myself vulnerable but this seems to be entirely forgotten when someone's boyfriend doesn't buy them an expensive holiday.

scaryclown · 23/07/2017 03:08

Fuck King hell, what a dick.
I'd let him go, and use the time to pack up his stuff and put it in a skip. My first ever LTB,.

scaryclown · 23/07/2017 03:09

Get his bank details too.

1forAll74 · 23/07/2017 03:12

oh gosh,, this is so sad to read, saying that he has booked to go without me as I can't afford it,.. how can your partner go on hols as a couples things on his own? and will he return from his holiday, and tell you what a great time he has had, cruel cruel and cruel if so.. Sad to hear about a situation like this op,

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/07/2017 03:17

If your arrangement is you pay for all bills 50-50 then the rest of your money is personal money, i don't think he;s being unfair. It isn't his fault or any of theirs that you're not a similarly "high earner".

I wouldn't share finances with anyone until i was married, and you're not married, so i think you are BU to expect him to pay for you, or to miss out because you cannot afford to go.

Atenco · 23/07/2017 03:32

People on MN and real life have told e how ridiculous I am having entirely shared finances with DH and that I'm leaving myself vulnerable but this seems to be entirely forgotten when someone's boyfriend doesn't buy them an expensive holiday

You haven't seen the part where on a much lower salary, OP is paying the lion's share of the household finances?

ortensia · 23/07/2017 03:34

Is it really 50/50 OP? How much is his 'v small mortgage? How much compared to you paying for all of the food, all of the Sky TV bill and a cleaner?

Atenco · 23/07/2017 03:37

He doesn't care about the op enough to want her to go on holiday with him and enable it to happen

Well yes, but that could just be that he is incapable of loving anyone more than he loves money and himself.

Ceebs85 · 23/07/2017 03:57

That is absolutely ridiculous!!

What is he even going to tell them?

I worry that it would even cross your mind that it's 'grabby' though. You're supposed to be a partnership. How is he with money and control in general?

SplodgyNurdle · 23/07/2017 04:15

Unimpressed. He should have paid for you to go. Not a lot of respect from him. I think I'd say bugger off. I know it's hard. But someone better will treat you much nicer than that.

mohuzivajehi · 23/07/2017 05:21

People on MN and real life have told me how ridiculous I am having entirely shared finances with DH and that I'm leaving myself vulnerable but this seems to be entirely forgotten when someone's boyfriend doesn't buy them an expensive holiday.

Do they? I always see over and over on mumsnet that fully shared finances "all money is family money" is the only way to go once you are married and especially when there are kids. Have you been reading a different website?

But the op is not married and has no kids - and it's not that the boyfriend won't buy her an expensive holiday, but rather that if after 5.5 years he would prefer to spend £1,200 on himself alone while op has no holiday then he just doesn't love the op as much as he loves himself and his money, and that is not a good relationship. A worthwhile bloke would have declined the group holiday and he and op could spend £300 each on a UK holiday together - no freeloading required - if he really cared.

I think moving out while he is on his holiday might be the way to go.

PearlyG8 · 23/07/2017 05:22

Before you say anything get advice from a better lawyer.
Either all household expenses including mortgage have been jointly paid with individual arrangements for each bill due to convenience (would be my argument) or you haven't contributed to the mortgage and he owes you x years of his half of all the services he has enjoyed.
Surely a really good lawyer could out together an argument which would induce him to settle out of court and give you back some of the money he has been saving on your behalf.

frenchfancy17 · 23/07/2017 05:24

Hope you're OK xxx

differentnameforthis · 23/07/2017 05:25

You aren't his parter, you are his housemate who he shares a bed with and has sex with!!

Other than that, what TheWitchAndTrevor said at Sat 22-Jul-17 21:30:09

And if you have to give someone an ultimatum about a proposal, they don't actually want to marry you! Even if he does ask, it will be because he doesn't want to have to start paying for all his own shit again, or because he is settling.

A really good male friend did this to his gf years ago. He told her that it was too soon for marriage, but they moved in with each other. She had a child from a previous relationship, they went on to have some of their own kids, but marriage never came ... because he never had any intention of marrying her. He admitted this to me, and also that he had "settled" as he was getting older and was sick of looking for what I had with my dh! (No, he didn't want ME, he just wanted what dh & I had). He decided that if he wanted kids, it was now or never.

He is no longer a "good friend" he went down A LOT in my estimation after that. They parent their kids, but she doesn't trust him, because she knows that he doesn't actually want to be there. He doesn't give a shit, and just plays happy families for his kids/step child.

worrierandwine · 23/07/2017 06:07

It's rare I post on threads like this as whatever I have to say has already been said. Agree with everyone, I think you know what you need to do.
The best thing you could do now is go back to mum and dad and save some money rather than paying for his lifestyle. With the amount you're forking out you'll have some good savings/ house deposit in no time. I bet your dad would walk the dog for you Wink
Also, if I ever had to give a man a proposal ultimatum, I would know that was not the man for me.
I hope having slept on it you can see things more clearly and take the resounding advice from this thread. It's not easy to leave someone when you have so much invested in your life and future but better now before marriage, kids or any more of your life is wasted with him.

Devilishpyjamas · 23/07/2017 06:16

Well he's waving a big red flag shouting loudly about what sort of person he is. He won't change. Run for the hills.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/07/2017 06:53

I wouldn't bother to talk to him. I would just leave. If he really wants you that badly, he will have to change. And that isn't with words, but with actions. If he isn't prepared to change, you have your answer.

GelfBride · 23/07/2017 06:56

OP he doesn't love you. You need to really see this.

GelfBride · 23/07/2017 07:00

Soz pressed too soon. As with the experience with my ex. It was a 'push comes to shove' moment and all was revealed. I left. I was under no illusion. Up to that point I thought he loved me but.....no.

I'm sure after I left he told people I was only after his money but I don't care. It's easy to say I love you but it's far far more important to actually show it.

heron98 · 23/07/2017 07:04

Personally I am not in favour of sharing money and DP and I have our own accounts, but this is ridiculous! Of course he should pay for you or not go at all.

Cailleach666 · 23/07/2017 07:04

Be thankful you don't have kids with this guy.

My ex was like this. ( We lived together for 10 years)

We went on a year long world trip. He had 10 times as much spending money as I did. The trip even saw us staying in different hotels- he at a swanky 5 star, me at a grubby hostel down the road.
We shared a home, a mortgage, he insisted on a 50/50 split on everything, but I couldn't keep up with his expensive tastes.

He is an ex for a reason. Thank god we had no kids.

Lunar1 · 23/07/2017 07:10

Even if he has a complete change of heart today, this was his gut reaction to helping you out. You should want better for yourself, because he won't put you first.

honeysucklejasmine · 23/07/2017 07:11

Eugh. What a twat.

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