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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
paulapantsdown · 23/07/2017 00:16

Jeez love - you need higher standards. I wouldn't waste 5 minutes on this creep, never mind giving him ultimatums about proposals.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/07/2017 00:16

@LeafyCulprit He has been incredibly smart in the way he has divvied up the household expenses and it wouldn't surprise me if he has sought the advice of a lawyer to limit his liability to you

This is incredibly important and don't let anyone trivialise it.

I could go and live back with my parents

If you are 29 you are only a few years older than my eldest DC, 4 yrs older than my eldest DD.

It would break my heart to see a child of mine being taken advantage of like this and I would want you back.

Cancel his dogwalker, cancel his house cleaner - he can walk his own dog, he can clean his own house or pay for them. Neither are yours and that money should go straight into your savings. Then pack up and go home.

You may choose to still see him or not. But do not commit your life to this person until they commit themselves to you. He is a million miles from doing that and I see nothing in your posts which suggest his basic character will change. You deserve better.

Longtime · 23/07/2017 00:20

I have never said this before but you please don't stay with him. This will only get worse if you have children. Your life will be miserable. I have seen it too many times with friends who have ended up in dire financial situations when they have inevitably split up. I could tell you horror stories of what some dhs will put their dcs through financially so as not to part with their cash.

Dh earns loads more than me as I only work part time. For some years when the dcs were small I earned nothing. Until I stopped working when ds1 was born, I earned loads more than him. We have always had a joint account and I have always looked after the finances. He has no interest in looking after them and trusts me implicitly. The way your dp behaves would have been a deal breaker for me.

user1471601513 · 23/07/2017 00:21

He's showing you what he's really like, don't ignore it (speaking from bitter experience).

Cancel the sky, and other bills. Let the cleaner go - if it's his house he can clean it himself. Cut back on the groceries you buy and when you have saved a bit for your own place, leave.

CrabPots · 23/07/2017 00:24

This must be a hard thread for you to read (hug)

Graphista · 23/07/2017 00:25

Mean with money = mean with love

He is not interested in building a future with you. As you're nearly 30 if you want children you need to get sorted out. I would NOT commit to or have kids with this guy

clairewilliams999 · 23/07/2017 00:25

I think the whole concept of partners having their own money is crap, we share everything and apart from not being able to meaningfully make bets it's great. we never argue about money, it's a clear indication of the relationship being in great shape. If ops partner can't step up and pay then what sort of partnership is it and why would he even contemplate enjoying a holiday without partner

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/07/2017 00:25

Why are you even considering talking to him. He is telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want you.

Either take the dog and leave or wait it out till February putting as much money as you can away then clear the house of all your stuff when he is away.

Though if he is paying for the dog insurance and food you could find he will fight you for the dog. Is the dog in your name at the vet s . I would make sure it was before leaving if you want to keep the dog

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 23/07/2017 00:27

It would be better if he did the talking tomorrow. He's more likely to think if you're NOT talking (sad but there it is).

Go home to your parents and put the call in his court.

(And yes, I'm hoping that you see things more clearly once you're it and never go back.)

BoysofMelody · 23/07/2017 00:27

It seems odd to me after nearly six years to be so set in the pattern of 'your money and my money

We've been together for 11 years and married for 5 and still don't have joint finances.

When there's a disparity between approaches to money it can make sense, but probably because we both earn similar amounts (neither of us are high earners), but have different priorities. We're in that situation now, I'm a saver, she's a spender and by her own admission would burn through everything in a joint account. There's no way we could have joint finances without one or both of us feeling aggreived.

The problem cropped up when I was writing up my PhD and the 12 months after where I could only find part time, minimum wage work. I was really struggling and couldn't go on holiday or afford some joint activities with her, so she went with her sister instead. I didn't really mind, as I'm not fussed by holidays, but I'd be a liar if I said it didn't put a strain on the relationship for a while.

EllenRipley · 23/07/2017 00:38

What a fucking git! He has savings, a big salary and you are... a couple? As a couple, you can both afford to go. I don't even understand why it would be an issue and a separate, individual consideration for something like this. Do you think this is symbolic of his attitude to you and your relationship? I earn a fraction of my partner's salary (not exactly the same situation as u, he works away from home a lot and I'm sahm for our son and work part time/freelance). All earnings go in one pot and we draw the same salary every month, we look at the figures to make sure we both get a 'fair deal' given our monthly outgoings. If we were a couple without kids then I'd obviously be working and earning more but given the nature of his job, he'd always be the higher earner. I don't think it would occur to him to fuck off on a nice expensive holiday. I'm sorry OP, that's a really shitty way to be treated - be angry! Flowers

milliemolliemou · 23/07/2017 00:43

Leafy - hope you're discussing this with good and supportive friends.

Don't waste the next year waiting for a proposal for a man who isn't worth it, just go. Cancel the SKY (or transfer it to his name), cleaner, dogwalker, wifi (transfer to his name) and LTB. As others have said, you seem to be a housekeeper with benefits - but one who subsidises the landlord.

When you could be saving, back with your parents, and awake to the possibility of an infinitely better human being.

feral · 23/07/2017 01:03

He earns 3x what you do then he should be laying 3/4 of the bills and food!

If he's that pedantic over £150 and can't even offer to loan you the money to go on the holiday he doesn't love you and you'd be better off leaving.

Sorry OP not what you want to hear but - leave the bastard!

diodati · 23/07/2017 01:09

There's only one thing you should say to this man and that's "fuck off." Angry

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 23/07/2017 01:10

It seems odd to me after nearly six years to be so set in the pattern of 'your money and my money DH and I had separate finances for years BUT 1) we earned pretty much the same (in fact I earned slightly more and had more savings to start off with 2) our outgoings were roughly equal in terms of how we split the bills 3) when circumstances changed (bigger mortgage, more joint expenses, bigger disparity in earnings), we opened a joint account and chucked everything into one pot. And at any point if one of us had needed help in an emergency or even to pay for a holiday, the other would have stepped in.

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/07/2017 01:16

Sorry, but he doesn't like you. Leave.

Unhurried · 23/07/2017 01:19

Sweetie, tell me what you would think if a friend you cared about told you this. Would you think it a good move for your friend to remain in such an unequal relationship? This man you live with - and I call him that because there is no way he should be described as your 'partner' is mean, mean, mean. I'm sorry you cannot see that you are worth more.
I didn't think I would ever use these three letters but here you go, LTB.
I wish you well.

ortensia · 23/07/2017 01:20

I wouldn't want to receive a proposal on those terms, OP. 'He has 12 months?' No thank you. That's not fair on either of you

To say it's a bit off when he can easily afford to help but is choosing not to, is understatement. 'But I love him' is not reason enough to stay with him, in my opinion. I'm struggling to work out why.

Atenco · 23/07/2017 01:21

I don't agree with people saying "that he's not that into you" etc. That is something we don't know, but he is stingy as fuck. I can imagine him as one of those people who sit counting out the pennies of a restaurant bill, incapable of treating anyone. I have virtual unknowns stay in my house for months and never taken advantage of them like he has done with you.

GardenGeek · 23/07/2017 01:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Corcory · 23/07/2017 01:34

I really feel that a relationship where you thought you needed to give him an ultimatum about proposing is not good at all. So he proposes I the next 12 months - you are always going to wonder if he just did it because of the ultimatum or is it genuine - you would never know. As for his attitude towards money- did you say the SOMETIMES pays for drink - WTF!!!
Think very seriously about moving home now. if your not paying for all his outgoings you'll soon have a nice little nest egg of your own anyway. What would you do with yourself if you waited till after the holiday? go for drinks with these couples and listen to them all going on about how they can't wait to go on this blasted holiday! I would be a seething wreak long before then.
I really wouldn't bother having a discussion about this with him as he has shown his cards in a big way anyway and there would be no point in him then relenting as he would just do it again in some other way further down the line.
Just go and get on with the rest of your life.

Loads of hug Hun xxx

quizqueen · 23/07/2017 01:40

You do know that your household contributions have allowed him the necessary means to be able to save his £80,000. I'm guessing he'll pay off the mortgage soon then he won't need you at all!

leghoul · 23/07/2017 01:48

Yeah this is not a good sign. I understand that lots of people get a bit funny about money and so on and can feel the need to contribute 50-50 irrespective of income. That's fine (ish, just) but after 5 years you should be over that introductory stage even if there is a huge back story for him about why he's like this. Does he think you can afford it really and just don't want to go? Anyway, I'd say leave - he won't get better

eatabagofdicks · 23/07/2017 02:12

Go and see a solicitor. Ask about your rights to the shitload of money you've spent keeping him for 3.5 years. Then stop paying for so much, bloody hell.
I would absolutely get all this financial stuff sorted and LTB. If you marry him and have children you will be back here in a few years posting one of those 'AIBU for asking my dh for money' ? And we'll find out you've been living on baked beans and buying all the kids gear yourself.

stonecircle · 23/07/2017 02:22

I don't agree with people saying "that he's not that into you" etc. That is something we don't know,

I think we do. He doesn't care about the op enough to want her to go on holiday with him and enable it to happen.

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