To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

If you end up marrying him and having children, he would see anything he paid for as money "lent" to you. He doesn't see you as a partner, OP. Thankfully you are not tied to him in any shape or form, so you have time to rethink your future. Seriously, there are so many women in financially abusive relationships with children thrown into the mix. You don't gave to be one of them. Good luck OP

*have

Please find someone lovely. Imagine how you'd feel if someone who was treating your bf like you are being treated now.

I'm sorry but he doesn't care about you the way you care about him.

How will you find someone lovely if you stay with him?

This is a deal breaker for me. What would happen if you were ill and couldn't work? Completely selfish. Horrible.

My immediate thought on reading the OP was that (from his perspective) you discovered he had £80,000 stashed and then angled for him to pay for your holiday. I wonder if he thinks you can afford it but are trying to get him to pay and he's calling your bluff?

Anyway, unless there's a lot of missing history with you not working or never paying towards stuff or something, I think he's definitely BU.

My long term DP and I don't share finances, he earns 3x more than me, I live in his house, he's not a huge "treater" etc etc. There are a lot of similarities with you OP. But I am 100% sure in this situation he would offer to at least part subsidise me. The only reason he might not immediately offer would be if he actually thought I wouldn't enjoy the holiday or it made sense for me not to go as I didn't like diving anyway . But if he definitely properly understood I wanted to, he'd help me out financially. Can't understand that your DP wouldn't unless there's something else going on.

And his refusal to commit to an engagement was simply replaced with a refusal to set a wedding date.

Think very seriously about this OP.

Getting engaged isn't a commitment, it's just four simple words to form a question (will you marry me) that can easily be said by anyone. The marriage itself is the commitment and I'm not sure that's in his future plans....

Don't forget:
He has 80K in savings because you've been paying his fair share.
Sorry to put it so brutally.

BTW I earn far more than my partner, we live together, but don't have shared accounts due to the country where we live and lack of marriage, we do however have open finances and pay outgoings according to earnings. He has far higher inherited assets. We may marry soon, but will both seek legal advice first.

You poor thing! I'm sure your aware 5.5 years is a very long time for a partner to not want to help you out financially if they are able. He obviously does not see you as an equal partner or someone worth spending HIS money on. There is nothing more unattractive then someone who is tight with money & this usually will lead to other issues down the line (especially if marriage and kids is what you want) If you have already had a talk about money before, don't give him another chance, he won't change! If this isn't the case a talk may help, but honestly why would you want to stay with a man who can treat you like this? You said you would offer to help him no doubt if the foot were on the other foot? You probably care a lot more about him then he does you, maybe you are just convenient for the time being?

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean to sound mean, maybe just protecting anger at men like him who I've known

Don't let him upset you, you are a better person x

You are worth more than this op. This bloke isn't worth your time or emotional energy.

When someone shows you what they are like - believe them.

He is showing you that he is selfish and doesn't value or appreciate you.

Myself and my husband moved in together when we were 23. At that point we made everything joint - just one bank account as we never wanted to be penny pinching with each other. I know this is rare but 14 years on it works! I don't know how people live together, have children together and keep their finances separate. His attitude sucks. If he earns that much he could buy you it for birthday present? Is he not going to be a bit Billy No Mates on this holiday?

So this friendship group has 7 high earners and you OP. Not a situation I'd be comfortable with, do you think it affects how he views your relationship?

The romantic part of me thinks he will spring the holiday on you as a lovely surprise. The pragmatic part of me says explain your point of view and run if he doesn't get it. You are either an equal partnership or you should break up.

I also gave him the ultimatum of me leaving if he hasn't proposed by the time I'm 30
Why on earth would you want to marry someone who proposes in response to an ultimatum like this? How will that feel? Will it feel romantic? Will you feel valued, treasured, loved, respected? Will you b overwhelmed by his enthusiasm and excitement? Or will you just feel like he grudgingly asked because you made him?
Do you actually feel valued, treasured, loved & respected now?
You need to know that you are worth more - and are worth more right now, not in 12 months time.

I reckon he'll book for you and give you your half for Christmas.

I hope.

The question you should be asking yourself is not whether you love him but whether he loves you - and whether he loves you enough.

I think you should value yourself higher than this. You shouldn't be sitting waiting for a man to decide to propose. You shouldn't be giving ultimatums about marriage. The man who marries you should think he is lucky to do so. He should be glad to propose and worried that there is any possibility you aren't as into him as he is to you. He should want to pay for your holiday not just because it is the decent thing to do in a partnership but also because he will enjoy it much more with you there.

Honestly you can do better.

And he is going to get some looks from the other couples when he turns up without you. Make damn sure you tell them you aren't going because you can't afford it. Because he won't tell them that- he will make up some excuse that leaves him off the hook.

Now see I was sympathetic till this point

I also gave him the ultimatum of me leaving if he hasn't proposed by the time I'm 30. He has 12 months to go. It wasn't an idle threat, I was/ am (if I don't go over this) prepared to walk away if there was no ring by this time next year.

I hate it when women do this. You have the self awareness and ability to propose yourself. If he wants to marry you, he would say yes. What century are you living in when you are all "lawks sir, if thouest has no ring on my finger by the next harvest I shall direct my womanly gaze elsewhere".

I mean really. Get a grip. You complain that he isnt there for you financially when you are playing this emotional game at the same time. You are both as bad as each other.

It';s also possible that when you gave him the 'propose before I'm 30' speech, he decided that he certainly wasn't going to, but that he would rather you left him than he had to dump you (and make himself look like a bit of a bad guy to his friends). So he decided he really could stop bothering about you, because you'll be gone soon.

Oh op. I'm just here agreeing with everyone else in the hope that you see how many of us know you'll be so much happier out of this. Reading this makes me so sad. This isn't how it should be.

When I met DH I was earning more. I looked after him. If we wanted to go on holiday and it was a bit tight for him - I'd cover it. Now the tables are reversed and he looks after me.

You deserve so much more. What do your rl friends say? I'm hoping you had a great night out with your friends. Maybe you can crash with someone for a few nights. Get some headspace. Your parents also sound a good bet. Listen to the people saying 'forcing' him to propose does not mean he's in any way committed to you.

Take care of your self

What an arsehole.

You feed him? You put wifi in his house? You split his bills on a house he is earning equity on each year? You pay for a cleaner? And the dog walker?

And you earn less money than him? He leaves you with no security, savings or safety net whilst he has a slush fund? You have given over 5 years to this schmuck?

What a greedy, grabbing little twat he is. You know he is earning good money out of you subsidizing his life? You've paid for his holiday so no wonder you can't go.

Dump. Total pig. Don't waste any more years on him, total leech.

I feel so sad for you OP. I also have never seen a unanimous thread.

For you

I also gave him the ultimatum of me leaving if he hasn't proposed by the time I'm 30. He has 12 months to go. It wasn't an idle threat, I was/ am (if I don't go over this) prepared to walk away if there was no ring by this time next year

grow the fuck up

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE WOW! You say you have a 'really good' relationship but OP I am so so sorry but this relationship is far below acceptable. He doesn't love you his behaviour is not loving.

This relationship is no good at all. If you marry him then you will be denying yourself a healthy relationship with a man who treats you as an equal. You only live once, this man is NOT the one. He is not trying to enhance your life. He is greedy and mean... a horrid man. Your post is shocking. OP please don't marry him no woman should be in a relationship like this.

Worst comes to the worst I could go and live back with my parents tomorrow for a bit if I needed to, I know I'm lucky to have that option, but I don't want to do that unless I have to

If you were my daughter I'd try to persuade you to come home. If your parents knew how you were being treated, I guess they'd do the same.

I think if this doesn't resolve (i.e. he's having a bit of a tasteless joke by pretending he hasn't paid for you to go), and he is genuinely going off on holiday without you, then the time has come that you have to.

Even if you are so upset that eventually he changes his mind and decides to 'lend' you the money, the fact remains that his first, easy decision was to carelessly leave you behind. I don't think there's any coming back from that.
Maybe if you left he'd get the kick up the arse he deserves.

Sorry for you op, deal breaker, a miser will never turn into anything but a miser and will control you. But that is obvious.

Anyway personally I detest these "group holidays" with a total passion.

Why would you want to be with a group on hols?

It can be limiting, there will always be the Diva, the boss, and so on take your pick.

NO.

Go away yourselves (if you are allowed) and just DIY.