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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
maudeismyfavouritepony · 22/07/2017 22:55

I'm with every other poster on here.

You only get a certain amount of holiday time a year and even if its a shared hobby holiday, he should be wanting to spend his holiday WITH YOU.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/07/2017 22:56

Please don't get married whatever you do. Pack some stuff and go tonyoyr mums.

kreme · 22/07/2017 22:57

Leafy

I'm older than you and have been there, done that.

Your DP is not acting like someone about to propose in the next 12 months. It's simply not going to happen.

Give him an ultimatum. He needs to start treating you like his future wife, not his flatmate and needs to pay for you to go on the couples holiday. If he goes without you, tell him your bags will be packed when he gets back.

He has been incredibly smart in the way he has divvied up the household expenses and it wouldn't surprise me if he has sought the advice of a lawyer to limit his liability to you. Doesn't mean you don't have a claim but its not cut and dry and you'd have to go to court, or try settle via lawyers, which could get expensive.

Your situation reminds me of when Cressida Bonas and Prince Harry split up after he didn't want to cough up £650 for her airfare. Bet he'd have no problem paying out for Meghan Markle's airfare!!

If you want children, wake up, and stop wasting your time on this man. I have seen friends and family do this and they are now 40 and looking to have kids on their own via donors. Don't let that be your reality.

NataliaOsipova · 22/07/2017 22:58

I can only echo what others have said. This isn't the model you want for a long term relationship where you're bound together by children. If he goes, you shouldn't be there when he gets back. Hard to do, I know, but you'll look back in five years and realise the lucky escape you've had.

NataliaOsipova · 22/07/2017 22:59

He has been incredibly smart in the way he has divvied up the household expenses and it wouldn't surprise me if he has sought the advice of a lawyer to limit his liability to you.

...I hate to say it - as I know it must pour salt on the wound - but this occurred to me too. It's a very deliberate and legally advantageous (to him) split of expenses.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 22/07/2017 23:00

Can only echo everyone else. You might love him but he certainly doesn't love you. And that's not good enough.

80sMum · 22/07/2017 23:01

I can only agree with everyone else I'm afraid, OP. Your DP is not coming across as someone who cares for you or loves you and I fear that there is probably no long term future in your relationship with him. So sorry. What a horrible situation. But better to find out now than waste another 5 years on this person. Flowers

user1499786242 · 22/07/2017 23:05

Have I mis read? Or got it wrong
You live together, are a couple and he earns a lot of money yet he won't pay for you to go on holiday together?
Wtaf
The moment I moved in with my partner, well actually the moment we were officially together,
He shared everything with me
His money was ours and vice Versa
I know a few couples who do everything separate and fair enough
But the fact he won't pay for you and will happily leave you behind whilst he has a luxury holiday I think is quite frankly horrendous
Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick or something
You deserve better
End of

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 22/07/2017 23:06

If you leave him now you could have saved enough by February to go on a lovely holiday with your gorgeous new boyfriend 😎

LagunaBubbles · 22/07/2017 23:07

I also gave him the ultimatum of me leaving if he hasn't proposed by the time I'm 30. He has 12 months to go. It wasn't an idle threat, I was/ am (if I don't go over this) prepared to walk away if there was no ring by this time next year

More fool you if you marry this horrible man who clearly doesnt care about you.

linspins · 22/07/2017 23:08

You sound like such a nice kind lovely person, who deserves so much more than this mean man. Walk away and find a new life with someone who knows about sharing and isn't keeping tabs on who owes what.
I've never written that to someone before, but this thread makes me want to punch him.

Doublechocolatetiffin · 22/07/2017 23:10

I'm sorry OP, but I can only agree with everyone else here. He sounds like a complete arse. Before we got married I was in a similar situation to you with my DP, he earnt much more than me and it meant that whilst we split all the household bills equally I couldn't afford to go out to nice places or have nice holidays. Do you know what he did - he just paid for me. There was never a question of me paying him back, we were a couple and so he paid so we could both enjoy nice things together.

Honestly I couldn't be with someone who treated me the way your DP is treating you. It's not just the financial situation, but going away without you, without even asking if you'd be ok with that. You should be partners, he doesn't appear to have any thought for your feelings and is just doing exactly as he wants. That's a pretty shit partner in my opinion.

Jedimum1 · 22/07/2017 23:18

My cousin was in a very similar situation. BF was charming and lovely to be with most of the time, yet he wouldn't really involve her fully in his life, finances the least. She gave him an ultimatum and left a few months to another country as au-pair. He apologized and asked her to go back... Only to go exactly the same. He would go with his mates and mate's girlfriends to very fancy places, saving one week holiday a year for her. She felt it was not a reason to leave because well, the time together seemed ok and she kept excusing him as "it's his money". It took her 10 years and lots of tears, but finally left. 5 months later he met a guy, started to date and within a year they had a child, were leaving together, shared finances, and was the happiest she had ever been. Had she waited another 5 months, that opportunity would have gone, as she wouldn't have been in that place at that time and single. Life is waiting out there.

Jedimum1 · 22/07/2017 23:19

*only to do exactly the same

PrincessFiorimonde · 22/07/2017 23:19

He's not the most generous person, but he does sometimes pay when we go out etc. If I was in dire need and really, really needed the money for something important (not a luxury like a holiday) I'm almost 100% certain he'd lend it to me.

Oh lovey, you really have the right to expect so much more than that from someone who's your partner, someone you've lived with for more than 3 years! Please don't set your expectations so low.

I know it's hard - very hard - when you've been with someone for years and you love them. It must be so difficult for you to read all the posts above.

But do ask yourself why ALL the posters on this thread are so shocked by the situation you've outlined. In particular, I think you should re-read this post:

There are fairly regular threads on MN by women in relationships like this, but further down the road. They've ended up in debt because they are still paying half of the bills while on maternity leave. Or they are struggling to pay for the family shop while their DH spends a fortune on expensive hobbies. They've had warning signs earlier in their relationship like this holiday but either felt that was normal because that's how their parents behaved or thought that their partner loved them so couldn't/wouldn't be financially abusive.

OP - you've seen his true colours. Unless you want to live a life like this then it's time to reconsider the relationship.

Please do think about this very seriously. And talk it over with a good friend or two.

I wish you all the best Flowers

WomblingThree · 22/07/2017 23:20

Even if you do manage to lever a proposal out of him, how many ultimatums will it take to make him actually marry you. Is that how you want to waste the rest of your life? Hanging around waiting for him to get fed up of you banging on about it, and marry you to shut you up?

If you are foolish enough to marry him, I absolutely guarantee that you will be back here in less than 2 years saying he won't give you money for nappies, and he will have told you it's not worth you going back to work, because he will expect all the childcare to come out of your wages.

He's a financially abusive twat. Get rid whilst you've still got your self respect. You mentioned your parents; did your dad treat his family like this? What will he say when you tell him? Same as everyone else I imagine if he's any decent sort of man.

Jedimum1 · 22/07/2017 23:20

Oh FFS with typos! Mates' girlfriends, Were living together, etc 😅

JaniceBattersby · 22/07/2017 23:21

Four decades ago, people didn't really live together before they got married. Then they realised that living together was a good test of whether they should get married or not. It's fine to love with someone and then think, actually, no this isn't what I want from a person.

I know it's difficult looking down the barrel of 30 and thinking about starting all over again. But the alternative is bringing kids into a relationship where one person has all the monetary power, and therefore control over everyone else.

When I met my boyfriend (now husband) 15 years ago he paid 14k of my debt off before we even moved in together. Then when we did move in together he added me on to the mortgage which was already half paid off. He did all that because he knew that what's mine is his, and what's his is mine. Including debt, unfortunately. It's a key tenet of marriage OP but not one that your other half seems ready for.

There is more than likely a lovely man out here for you. This guy is not the one.

Writerwannabe83 · 22/07/2017 23:22

This is just bonkers.

Open your eyes OP and see what everyone else does.

He doesn't view you as his partner. It's convenient for him to have you around and he's certainly financially benefitting from it but I think that's where it ends.

And an ultimatum about marriage? How can you think that a normally and happy relationship requires such a thing? If he wanted to marry you then he would have already asked you.

I honestly can't believe he'd go away without you - no decent and loving partner would ever do this.

I hope this thread makes you realise that you deserve so much better. Don't waste any more time on this man because I really don't think he views the relationship in the same way you do.

lucyloopy · 22/07/2017 23:24

Give him an ultimatum. He needs to start treating you like his future wife

I wouldn't bother giving him an ultimatum tbh. He is only going to tell you what you what hear and you get suckered in because he's saying the right things but the mentality will still be the same.

Five years down the line and a kid or two later you will stuck. Properly stuck. It really won't be easy to leave. You won't have the money or the earning power but you will have all the responsibility.

He will still be the same but you will be worse off. My 'D'H now earns seven times my salary. He has thousands in the bank, I feel poor in comparison, we have very different lifestyles but it has taken me 10 years to fully see it.

BraveBear · 22/07/2017 23:24

I also gave him the ultimatum of me leaving if he hasn't proposed by the time I'm 30. He has 12 months to go. It wasn't an idle threat, I was/ am (if I don't go over this) prepared to walk away if there was no ring by this time next year.

If he is aware of this, yet won't pay for you to go on holiday with him in over 6 months time I seriously doubt he is thinking about a proposal.

Just withdraw from the whole thing. No big row. Go and stay with your parents and give yourself some space to think.

AlternativeTentacle · 22/07/2017 23:28

Four decades ago, people didn't really live together before they got married.

yes they did!

tillytown · 22/07/2017 23:31

You are worth more than this, hopefully you will realise that soon.

Rhubarbtart9 · 22/07/2017 23:33

Late 1970's? Of course people lived together

CoughLaughFart · 22/07/2017 23:35

I have a friend who did the whole 'we get engaged or that's it' ultimatum. She thought, as I'm guessing you do, that this was taking control; putting her foot down and demanding a real commitment. In reality, when they got engaged he acted like he'd done her a favour; if she complained about any aspect of their relationship (and there was plenty to complain about) he pretty much said 'We're engaged aren't we, what more do you want?' And his refusal to commit to an engagement was simply replaced with a refusal to set a wedding date.

Do you really want to be with someone you've had to force into proposing? Are you really happy to wait and see if he 'beats the deadline' rather than proposing now because he actually wants to?