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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 22/07/2017 22:33

Also, if you do stay with him change that deadline to a month before your 30th so you have time to plan a great weekend away etc not spend it breaking up with someone not worth your time. He's had plenty of time, a month is nothing .

Rhubarbtart9 · 22/07/2017 22:33

But also it's probably not going to be a couples loved up holiday. More a shared hobby holiday

sp12345 · 22/07/2017 22:34

I've been there...run a mile!! He is not investing in you because he doesn't see you as a long term investment. Even if you do need to stay at your parents that is better than staying with his heartless bastard for a minute longer. I know that this has to be your decision, and all of the opinions on this thread can't change that...I just hope you make the right one, and soon...

Moanyoldcow · 22/07/2017 22:34

Mrskeats it makes me so sad. All of these women settling for such poor treatment.

Unfortunately for me, I learned because I grew up with a mother in a shitty EA relationship until she died and left chaos. I promised myself I'd never do that to myself or any kids.

Not derailing. It's just I feel so strongly about this shit.

llangennith · 22/07/2017 22:34

What a mean bastard! What do his friends think?

kittybiscuits · 22/07/2017 22:34

I'm so sorry - I haven't read the thread. What a complete bastard. Scrape your self-esteem off the floor and LTB. The only way is up.

Morsecode · 22/07/2017 22:35

I'm usually a lurker but had to log in to add my voice to everyone else. He may be you DP but you are no partner of his. If I were you OP I would rather live with my parents a few months and save that nest egg you want than be played for a mug. Or, just get out on your own and start saving, lots of people do it and it's not the end of the world. It seems you have settled so well into this "relationship" that you can't find your way out of it. Just up and leave, it won't be as hard as you fear I promise.

PearlyPinkNails · 22/07/2017 22:37

He's going to have to pay more for a single room anyway, the tight prick.

gillybeanz · 22/07/2017 22:37

A partnership is 50%/ 505 so claim your 40k savings and go on holiday Confused
Your relationship isn't good in any way, what a little shit you are involved with.
So sorry to be blunt but ffs ltb and find somebody who treats you properly. Thanks

Rudi44 · 22/07/2017 22:40

You sound lovely, am sure there is someone deserving of you out there. What would the plan be if you decided to have children and take some time off work, would you have to go to him cap in hand asking for money? I think you can tell a lot about a person by their attitude to money, it's often those with little who are the most generous.
When I met my DP I was a penniless student and he was working, he used to take me food shopping. Now I earn more than him and it all goes into a communal pot that's 'ours'. I can honestly say we never row about money and goodness knows we can usually find something to row about.

gillybeanz · 22/07/2017 22:40

sorry 50% not 505, although I'm sure you know what I mean.
Somewhere there is a lovely man who will treat you like you deserve to be treated, this isn't him.

Morsecode · 22/07/2017 22:41

£150 from last year FFS. I thought I had just left a pretty dire relationship but even my tight arse ex wouldn't go for such ridiculous financial arrangements. Don't be such an idiot OP.

Jedimum1 · 22/07/2017 22:42

Check entitled.to with your post-break-up financial situation. You might find that you might be entitled to something? If not, don't stay just to save money. Rent a room, go into student flat share (many adult postgraduates with no party-mood, willing to share), find a small study, etc. You might be able to save a bit and life on your own

Bobbins43 · 22/07/2017 22:45

There's a lot to be said for the "He's just not that into you" philosophy. Because, if he was, money wouldn't be an issue. He'd be paying for the holiday. Getting married wouldn't be an issue because he would WANT to marry you.

You deserve someone who wants to be with YOU. As you are now. Someone who wants to be a partner. Share a life with you. Someone who loves you and cherishes you and wants you to be a part of things.

Just go. You'll always need more money or more savings. There'll never be a right time. Go now. I wasted 14 years of my life on an arranged marriage that I never wanted in the first place. I'm giving you the advice I wish someone had given me. Just go. Leave. Don't waste any more time. Don't let the joy and the soul and any self worth you have get slowly sucked out of you. Just go.

SnugglyBedSocks · 22/07/2017 22:46

My stbxh wasn't the best but he never begrudged me anything and I didn't gave to beg him to marry me by giving him an ultimatum.

Please find some self respect and leave

BewareOfDragons · 22/07/2017 22:47

Do you really want to marry someone who treats you like this, who has harbored an imaginary grudge over £150 that you don't actually owe him, and that you had to issue an ultimatum to get him to do so?

An ultimatum alone should be enough of a wake up call FOR YOU! Why would you want to marry someone you have to threaten into doing so?!

Please find your pride, realize your worth, and walk away. YOU shouldn't want to marry HIM!

MiniAlphaBravo · 22/07/2017 22:47

Seriously get rid. Imagine if you have kids and you have no money on maternity leave or became a sahm? You would still be expected to pay half the bills and all the other things you already pay, and he wouldn't give you and the child a penny. You will be scraping around to find money for nappies. Nightmare. Don't wait to be proposed to. Have a chat in which you tell him you are sick of being walked over and treated like shit, that you've realized you're worth more and you'll be leaving his sorry arse in the morning.

Wheelycote · 22/07/2017 22:49

Wave Bon voyage as he goes out the door with a packed bag.

Then change the locks.

Voice0fReason · 22/07/2017 22:49

Marriage should never be as a result of an ultimatum.
Why would you even want to marry someone who only proposes because of an ultimatum?
Marriage won't change him. He'll still be going off on holiday without you, and if you have kids, you're going to be stuffed.

user1476869312 · 22/07/2017 22:49

I'm sorry, this is shitty and you probably feel awful now. But, actually, you're about to dodge a bullet. I think you've known, deep down, for quite a while now that this relationship is a mess and not going anywhere. At least if you get out now, you haven't got children so you won't be spending the next decade or so of your life trying to get maintenance out of him.
You're his 'will do for now' partner. You're attractive, and generally pleasant company, and you earn enough to pay his bills - and you're just insecure/passive enough to put up with not being on the mortgage and not having any kind of reasonable financial arrangement for a couple who live together and have such disproportionate incomes. As far as he's concerned, you are an acceptable 'girlfriend', but you are also replaceable, and will be replaced if you start getting Ideas Above Your Station.
This holiday business might be in the nature of a test - How much shit will she eat? if you leave him over it, he will think, Meh, and get another girlfriend fairly quickly. If you suck it up, he might decide to propose in order to keep you compliant, but you won't get an engagement ring and you're unlikely to get a wedding, either.
And as soon as a woman who is acceptably pretty, good company, available and wealthier than you shows up, you'll be dumped.

WetsTheFinger · 22/07/2017 22:52

Wow, you shouldn't be waiting for a ring from a guy you also need an escape fund to escape from.

Wondermoomin · 22/07/2017 22:53

Oh Leafy, the two of you think you've got different things in this relationship. I'm not sure he sees you as "the one" and hence he wants to limit his "investment" (it sounds shit but that's the way some people are).

Having the proposal ultimatum and building up an escape fund are not really compatible with each other - if you already feel the need to build up an escape fund, why take the relationship any further..?

Sorry, I know it's easy for everyone else to say, but it's quite unequivocal. Take the collective wisdom and use it to your benefit - you're still in your twenties, don't waste time on someone who doesn't deserve it.

fullofhope03 · 22/07/2017 22:53

OMG op. I feel for you SO much. Not least because this thread has been unanimous in it's opinion and that must be hideously hard for you to hear. I think (HOPE) you know deep down that you have to make the choice to leave this apology of a man asap. Do you have a friend you could stay with instead of your parents? If not, then your parents will need to be your home for a while. You can save up money for your own place in the meantime. Re you giving him an ultimatum about marriage/proposal by the time you're 30 - No. If a man (or a woman) has to be coerced (for want of a better word) into spending the rest of their life with someone, then they clearly don't want to be with that person. Again, I'm so so sorry but it's true. You are still young (lucky you!) and sound delightful. It seems as if you don't have much confidence, at least as far as he is concerned. His behaviour and your relationship has been 'normalised'. Trust me and the other MN's, it is NOT. He may also be very charming and charismatic - a lethal combination that does not always mean a person is kind, decent, caring etc. Apologies for rambling on, but I haven't cared so much about someone I don't know in a very long time. Sending you another big hug and a huge amount of strength, xxx

Stillwaitingforsummer · 22/07/2017 22:54

Wow. Just wow.
If he got you a ring, I presume he'd ask you to pay for it?

Wheelycote · 22/07/2017 22:54

In fact, help him pack his bags.

You've got someone who is inconsiderate and unwilling to share.

These two need to be deal breakers.