Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 17 18 19 ··· 39 40

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

OP posts:

shockthemonkey · 22/07/2017 22:08

Dear culprit, I am so sorry. I sense that happiness lies ahead for you - goodness knows you seem to deserve it. That happiness will not be with this person I am almost certain. Please accept from me

ginnystonic · 22/07/2017 22:08

I can't believe he's willing to go away without me.

Neither can we!

Please take the time to read through these responses very carefully, it is very uncommon to have unanimous responses on MN. You have some really strong and wise words from MN here.

If when you are ready to formulate your escape, draw strength from all these posts reminding you that you deserve better than this.

You won't be getting a ring from this one, and even if it was on offer it would be a mistake to accept.

To quote another wise MNetter:

'Run like your tampon string is on fire, love!'

ExcitingButScaryTimesAhead · 22/07/2017 22:08

Having read your latest updates, I think he is making a mug of you. I thought it was a misunderstanding until you mentioned all the other stuff. I don't often shout LTB but in this case, I think you really need to consider your options. You have been together 5 and a half years, living together and sharing a life and he is still behaving like a single man. What was his response to the ultimatum about the proposal? If he is being this selfish this far into the relationship, I doubt it will get any better. If you were my friend, I would be advising you to move on and not waste any more time on him.

Original poster

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 22:09

I'm listening. I am.

I want to sit down tomorrow and have a talk with him before I 100% decide to leave.

And if I do decide to leave, I still need to save a bit of a nest egg if possible. Worst comes to the worst I could go and live back with my parents tomorrow for a bit if I needed to, I know I'm lucky to have that option, but I don't want to do that unless I have to.

OP posts:

WomanWithAltitude · 22/07/2017 22:09

This isn't a guy who's normally nice though. This is a guy who normally rips off his partner, and stews about £150 she apparently 'owes him'.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 22/07/2017 22:10

One issue - is it a "couples holiday" or is it a "diving/sports holiday"? Because while it's weird to go on a couples holiday without your other half, it's not so odd to go on sport focussed holiday without your DP with other couples, particularly if your DP isn't a bit fan of/very good at the sport/activity, but all the other couples are both into it.

But - if this has focussed your mind on your general relationship issues - that it's that you haven't moved on from when you first moved in together (essentially boyfriend and girlfriend where she's moved into 'his' house and you are flatmates, splitting bills, but not a unit), and now you are nearly 6 years on, and no further forward, is a good thing.

Have a serious chat, it's not about the holiday, it's about you not being any closer than when you started living together. It's about you wanting marriage and a family, but him seemingly being happy at the early stages of living together. That if you have got to the stage that you want different things in life, (or don't see your DP being the one to have those things with) perhaps it's time to be honest about it and start moving on before more years are wasted.

You gave him a deadline of next year for a ring, but is it worth waiting until next year to find out it's going to be a 'no'?

It's not about a diving holiday. Don't focus on the thing that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

WomanWithAltitude · 22/07/2017 22:11

Your parents are a better option than this shit. For sure.

Guepe · 22/07/2017 22:11

You should probably get him to formalize your tenancy agreement with him, but see if you can find a better place to live with a different landlord.

Not sure why you'd consider marrying him though?

SecondBreakfast · 22/07/2017 22:11

If you wait till 30 and don't get the coerced proposal, it's not going to be a great milestone birthday is it? Thereagain, actually getting the proposal is likely to be worse in the longer term.

Leave him now then.

Notknownatthisaddress · 22/07/2017 22:15

Bless you @LeafyCulprit. You sound so sad and in need of some serious cuddles and hugs. Wish I knew you in real life so I could give you a hug.

This thread is MN at its finest. There have been some lovely and supportive comments on here, from some lovely, kind, and sensible posters.

Please look after yourself. You deserve better my lovely.

IdaDown · 22/07/2017 22:15

He's trained you really well over the last 5.5 years.

It's your normal.

Hallomiaddicted · 22/07/2017 22:15

Unattractive and stingy. Get rid, money doesn't buy happiness.

IHateUncleJamie · 22/07/2017 22:16

If you have somewhere else you can go, I genuinely don't understand why you would even CONSIDER waiting to see if he proposes. Why would you ever marry a man who clearly doesn't think of you as anything except a lodger with benefits?

This man is not your Partner in any way, shape or form, OP.

Moanyoldcow · 22/07/2017 22:16

I truly despair sometimes when I read these threads. Proposal ultimatums, excusing selfish shoddy behaviour, financial asymmetry - it's the same every day.

Who is it not teaching women to respect and stand up for themselves. Generation after generation of women are being failed by people who should be leading the way. It makes me so frustrated.

MagicMoneyTree · 22/07/2017 22:17

Please don't wait 12 months for a proposal. Walk away now. I know you must feel awful reading these replies and the reality sinking in, and I really feel for you, but this isn't how normal, loving people behave. You don't sound grabby at all by the way. You sound hurt more than anything- and rightly so.

You can do so much better than this. My DH would have paid for me to go on the holiday in a heartbeat. I know it. I wouldn't class this as particularly heroic or out of the ordinary either. It's just the kind of thing you do for the person you love.

And I would also judge your 'D'P if I was one of the other couples - and I would tell him exactly what I thought of him when I was on that holiday - so please make sure they all know!

CryingMessFFS · 22/07/2017 22:17

He is treating you like shit and it's so sad that you don't see it. I read your update about your proposal ultimatum but even if he doesn't propose he seems like one of those men who will string you along and never actually marry you.

You see it all the time on here - bloke only proposes when forced, makes excuse after excuse so no wedding, her biological clock starts ticking so they have a baby, on maternity leave the tight bastard stays a tight bastard. She pays for everything on maternity pay, has to ask for money, he resents her and the financial abuse spirals. Please get out now.

plantsitter · 22/07/2017 22:22

Quite honestly if a bloke did this to me I would assume he was dumping me (in a roundabout, chicken-shit cowardly way).

hottotrotsky · 22/07/2017 22:23

Why the heck would you wish to marry a stingey twat like this? And at 30? (So young!) I despair of a young woman being so reactionary. It's like feminism never happened. But I suppose you consider yourself modern because you pay half of everything? The worst of both worlds then.

Paddingtonthebear · 22/07/2017 22:23

I typed a long response which I've just lost.

In summary, get out now. Don't waste your life with someone like this. It's not about the money/cash value. It's about love, kindness, generosity of spirit, being an equal. There's none of this in what you describe. It won't last, why prolong it and waste more time.

Feel for you. That was me about ten years ago.

Mrskeats · 22/07/2017 22:24

Couldn't agree more moany

WeAllHaveWings · 22/07/2017 22:29

If I was in dire need and really, really needed the money for something important (not a luxury like a holiday) I'm almost 100% certain he'd lend it to me.

He would lend you it!!! Your are supposed to be partners, equal partners and he's sitting with £80k in the bank and if you were really really in dire need would not give you money to help he would lend it to you. You aren't partners in any shape or form, he has all the control and power, and has show with his comments around this holiday and bringing up the tiny money you already owe he is loving it. As someone above says you have been conditioned to accept this as normal. It is not what couples over 5 years into a committed relationship and potentially engaged within a year do.

LapCatLicker · 22/07/2017 22:30

I've never given a LTB to anyone but I am now. What Paddingtonthebear said about generosity of spirit really resonates. It will never change. It's also about not getting 10 yrs into marriage and kids and realising you have become completely disempowered in your life.

00100001 · 22/07/2017 22:31

My DH face when I read your OP to him

Rhubarbtart9 · 22/07/2017 22:31

He's either non committal or a complete tight arse. Both are problematic.

Katiekatie37 · 22/07/2017 22:32

OP stop wasting your time, where's the romance when you have to give an ultimatum to propose. He sounds vile and your household arrangement is ridiculous, he earns 3 times the amount, you pay 3 times the amount, stingy horrible little man.

Walk you'll be much happier in the long run.

Flip

1 2 ··· 17 18 19 ··· 39 40

Swipe left for the next trending thread