To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

I can't believe he's willing to go away without me.

@LeafyCulprit

It's really difficult to shift our perceptions of people we love. It's difficult for many reasons and one of them is because that perception shift means we might have made a mistake and we might have to face change. Which can be scary.

Better to do it... active choice....Deep breath and big girl knickers - rather than wait and hope and have the change forced upon you in the future.

Huge loves 💜💜

You poor thing. You deserve so much better

This is awful. I bet you pay 50% of the bills whilst earning a hell of a lot less than him.

You are meant to pay a percentage of the bills and both get left with the same amount of money to spend. ie you pay 30% he pays 70% but you are both left with X amount each month.

The whole lending issue when he has that sort of money sat in the bank speaks volumes, in fact it shouts volumes.

When I met Dh (20+ years ago) he earned almost double what I did so we split the bills according to our salary. I have been a SAHM for the last 12 years and I am free to spend "our" money on what is needed.

You are willing to accept so little, I wonder why.

To me paying your own way is not paying for things 50:50 but based on income. If he genuinely earns 3 x your salary I would see it as a £2400 holiday where he pays £1800 and you pay £600. DH and I had this arrangement when we moved in together. There was no point in going 50:50 because then I'd have loads of spare cash and he wouldn't be able to join me on anything I wanted to do.

That said if he's a selfish arse who's happy going on holiday without you despite his significant savings pot that screams volumes to me that your company is dispensable.

Potato jinx!

God almighty, don't wait around for a proposal that he is evidently reluctant about. Leave now with your head held high.

Oh no, this is horrible. :(

Take it as a big wake up call. The phrase 'I'm not falling for that' rings huge alarm bells about what he really thinks of you and your place in his life, financially.

No happily ever ever story starts 'Well then Mummy gave Daddy an ultimatum and threatened to leave him if he didn't propose'.

I know it probably feels like you will have 'wasted' 6 years if you leave..... but that is infinitelying better than wasting the rest of your life. He won't change. He cares about cash far more than anything else, and you are very low in his list of priorities.

His actions show that he cares about protecting his house, about diving, and about amassing lots of savings. They also demonstrate that he doesn't see you as a long term prospect (if he did he'd be safeguarding your future as well as his own).

What about his actions shows that he cares about YOU? Nothing, as far as I can see. You can't even say with confidence that he'd help you out financially if you were desperate.

He's a twat. Just go.

Cancel Sky and cancel the cleaner.

Also tell him you need him to pay half towards the food from now on.

If he's going to be so fucking mean then at least start getting him to put his hand in his pocket for the day to day stuff you both benefit from.

And use the money you are saving as a deposit for somewhere else rather than as holiday money.

His is a complete dick.

"I'm not falling for that again"

Woes really fail me.

^ words fails me

I pay for the Sky, the internet, half of all the other bills, buy all of the food and pay for a weekly cleaner and daily dog walker Mon-Fri.

He pays half the bills that we split and the mortgage.

Well he's certainly on to a good thing, as everyone has said previously.

Please don't marry him, and definitely don't have children with him.

Time to go.

So you are paying half of some bills but not rent/mortgage? Well then you should be able to cancel the sky and cleaner (or reduce the sky at least), and save considerably. Get a chunk together and think about moving on.

This isn't the relationship you want. If he didn't already own his house you probably wouldn't have moved in together.

Perhaps have one last chat, what does he think your relationship is and where is it going?

(Although it being a diving holiday makes it more sense that he's prepared to go on a 'couples holiday' alone, activity/sports holidays are less 'gooseberry-ish' if you are alone and everyone else is together)

Do you see OP? Unless he is allowing you a stake in the house, the mortgage benefits him not you - it's his asset, not yours. So it shouldn't figure in the list of shared bills that you divide up, because this shouldn't be a landlord/tenant relationship.

You are paying well over half the actual shared bills despite earning far less than him. He is laughing all the way to the bank, and there is no way that he can be unaware of the unfairness of it. He has consciously chosen that you don't pay towards the mortgage, so he has thought about this hard.

He has an asset and a tenant with benefits (you). But he's only protecting one of those things and it isn't you.

He doesn't sound very committed to you. If he is not making you happy, you can separate and find someone who will value you.

The group we go away with, the group were friends with, this 'couples' group, yes its couples but in fairness it's not coupley of that makes sense? Often I'll go on outings with them/ for drinks etc if he's busy or working and vice versa if I'm busy or working and the same for others in the group. It's not uncommon for only one half of couples to be present at events/ nights out etc.

Not that that excuses this, it doesn't.

I do a sport where there a group holidays that aren't 'coupley'. But I would still judge the hell out of someone who left their partner at home because they couldn't afford it.

You gave him an ultimatum to propose to you in the next 12 months or you'll leave? You want to force him into marrying you because you know he doesn't really want to?

And my DH would too. In fact there used to be a couple like this in my circle - he'd always have money while she scrimped and saved.

They're divorcing.

OP to be honest I think the couples aspect isn't the point. It's you "partner's" attitude to your relationship and his abuse of your financial situation that is the problem.

Op, you need to google the sunk costs fallacy

Waiting until you are 30 and putting his arm up his back is very, very foolish

Yes, he might propose. But you will sign yourself up for a life of further financial abuse and can't escape if you have kids

Are you even listening to us ? Or are you fixated on this kamikaze effort to ruin your life ?

Even though you've given him an ultimatum of your 30th birthday, you are not obliged to hang about waiting until then to see if he does propose. You don't need a proposal to decide not to marry him, you can cut your losses now and move on.

Maybe he is playing with you and will book for you both, if he is usually a nice bloke who doesn't penny pinch I can't see why he would now, my ex husband was tight as a gnats chuff from day one, never changed and expected me to be a full time mum and gave me 50 a week for everything including my car petrol tax etc, he never spent on the children and although he earnt a good wage with savings never treated me, I never got my hair cut for 10 years so be warned, although as we were married I got what I deserved when we divorced and you can't halve nothing so that's what he got from me xx

I know someone who lives like this, her and her dh never mix their money, he has much more than her and likes to keep it that way...he had an affair and she stuck by him as she couldn't bare to live a life on just her wages

maybe the op is like that, some people stick with arsehole partners because they have money...she wouldn't be the first