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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
Flowersonthewall · 22/07/2017 21:31

I'd present him with a bill for the food he has eaten over all the time you've been there and paid for.
Whata knob

Minnie747 · 22/07/2017 21:31

What the actual? He's selfish and clearly doesn't consider himself in a partnership with you.

wotabastard · 22/07/2017 21:32

Yeah most people hold off proposing to save up for a gorgeous ring or the actual wedding. He has that money and more sitting gathering dust. Hmm

He doesn't want to be your legal and financial equal. Please go with at least some dignity left intact. I'm so sorry op Angry

LeannePerrins · 22/07/2017 21:34

OP have you posted about him before? The proposal ultimatum rings a bell; apologies if I'm wrong.

PLEASE DON'T MARRY HIM.

feelingblue123 · 22/07/2017 21:35

I'm so sorry OP. If it's any comfort I was married at 30 and left with nothing but my stuff and a bit of joint savings. Now 33 with a new partner and life is great. Don't be scared about starting again. Trust your gut, it's always correct. Your happiness and equal standing in a caring and considerate, loving relationship is the most important thing in life.

Fruitcorner123 · 22/07/2017 21:35

Op if you leave and rent a small manageable place without sky, cleaner etc and half the food costs you will soon get your finances in order. Don't stay because of money.

Also do you really want him to propose? Have you not read all the messages from people further down the line than you who are warning you what sort of husband he will be. Dont get yourself stuck in a financially abusive marriage with dependant children.

I have a feeling from your last update that you won't leave him which really is so sad.

stonecircle · 22/07/2017 21:36

Come on, you can't coerce someone into proposing to you. Time to bail.

Florrie0 · 22/07/2017 21:37

OP, my DP was like this before we had kids, and I'm sure you know deep down he's taking the piss, but like me, you've managed to sleepwalk into the situation.
DP became worse after we had children, more secretive about his pay and bonuses.
So now I'm preparing to kick him out.
Obviously all situations are different, but if all you are getting is stonewalling and defensive vibes about money, fucking run!

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2017 21:37

Op, I'm sorry, but your definition of a good relationship and everyone else's differs. No one, and I mean no one, goes on a couples break without their other half, if they love them and don't have to. Yours is more than happy to go without you. No matter how great you think the relationship is , he feels very differently, to the point of indifference. No one who loves someone does what he has done. No one. And I think you know that.

And why are you waiting for him to propose and putting a time line on it. Ask him to marry you, if he says no, move on. If he says yes, set a date and make plans.

I'm sorry but I think you're more invested in the relationship than he is. Or to put it in popular slang, he's just not that into you. I think you need to take proactive action and deal with it for your sake.

clarinsgirl · 22/07/2017 21:37

OP, as many others have said, this is not right at all. Partners don't treat each other the way he is treating you. Partners share. When I met DH I was a student and he had a good job. He paid for my holidays. I went on to earn much more than him and we share everything. He's a SAHP at the moment and we still do. You DP does not see you as a partner, he sees you as a lodger.

Please don't wait for a proposal, make your own decision and find someone who deserves you.

WatchingFromTheWings · 22/07/2017 21:37

He is an absolute arsehole. I'd be thinking he's either planning on taking someone else or one of the other 'couples' is leaving her DP/DH behind. Why else would he not be concerned about playing gooseberry??

Either way, you are so not part of his long term plans. You're simply a legover while you subsidise him to allow him to pay his mortgage and boost his savings.

I'd move out while he is away. First thing in the morning cancel all the direct debits. Let him pay for his own food.

I'm fucking fuming for you!! 😡

BeccaAnn · 22/07/2017 21:38

what a TWAT jeez. LTB if he cant see that after 5.5 years you should both go on a couple holiday. he's nothing but a selfish ignorant c**t

airforsharon · 22/07/2017 21:38

Don't bother issuing ultimatums OP, don't saddle yourself with such a mean-spirited and just down-right unkind git.

Twinkie1 · 22/07/2017 21:38

OP I had a pretty big legal bill to pay about a year after meeting DH, he wrote a cheque out immediately, it was 5 figures, he didn't blink an eye and 15 years later it's never been mentioned. He most certainly didn't have £80k sitting around!

Your DP sounds like a very tightfisted individual. I dread to think how your life is going to be if you do indeed get that proposal in the next 12 months and have to give up work to bring up children.

A partnership isn't you paying out everything you earn and him shelling out a tiny proportion of his income. What an absolute hardhearted tosser you're living with!

Regalparade · 22/07/2017 21:39

Bloody hell. 5.5 years together and living together and he's going on a couple's holiday without you because you don't earn enough to go....if this was my dp he would just pay my costs no questions asked, either we both go or not go at all is what would happen in most relationships in these circumstances. You are in a serious relationship, not as if he's just met you.

This is utterly disgusting and selfish. This would be a massive red flag to me. If it were me I think I would want to end the relationship over this, certainly wouldn't be wanting to have kids with him. Imagine him as a father spending on himself but having you and the kids budget for school shoes and clothes.
Fuck that.
I'd be having a serious chat with him and telling him if he goes without you then you will have to reconsider the relationship.

HeyRoly · 22/07/2017 21:39

I see SO many threads on MN where women are financially abused by their husbands, who have loads of disposable income and savings and yet begrudge every penny they have to provide for their wives and children.

You are on that path if you stay with this man.

ZanyMobster · 22/07/2017 21:39

But what will change if he proposes? If you get married you could be entitled.to have of his assets but I can't imagine him entering a marriage without protecting what's 'his' from what you have said so far!

fruitlovingmonkey · 22/07/2017 21:39

Do you really want to live like this?

I wouldn't.

Kittychatcat · 22/07/2017 21:40

Op, don't waste any more time with this man. A proposal won't make things any better because he doesn't respect you as his equal.

WomanWithAltitude · 22/07/2017 21:43

Don't marry him OP!

And why would you want to marry a man at the same time as realising that you need an 'escape fund' to get away from him? A decent man who was worth marrying wouldn't haven't put you in the position where you're this skint to start with. He'd agree to a fair split of finances.

Leave him, he will never be any good for you. He doesn't give a shit.

KC225 · 22/07/2017 21:43

OP. Your last thread made me feel sad as I think you know it's not OK. As sad as it is to look a harsh reality in the face, it's a lot better than living with regret.

It must be humiliating that he is going without you. From your first post I wondered if he was after someone else I the group but when you mentioned diving, I know they can be pretty keen.

I also think you should go and stay with friends for a couple of days. Book a week away, go back to your parents etc. You need a few days away from this man to sort your head out.

Good luck OP.

SwimmingInLemonade · 22/07/2017 21:43

A unanimous LTB...

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, it's awful. But at least you've been given a big neon sign showing you what he's like. Why would he change if you got married? He'd be one of these men who made you pay for everything child-related out of your own money and he'd still go on holiday without you....

BendydickCuminsnatch · 22/07/2017 21:44

If you're thinking of preparing to leave him, why oh why would you want him to propose?? Confused terribly messed up!

Neverknowing · 22/07/2017 21:44

Is he always this stingy?
Surely he should help you out if you're a partnership. What a horrid thing to do? Even if he's never paid for anything else he's actively leaving you out. Ffs that's nasty.

chapthedoor · 22/07/2017 21:44

OP I'm sorry to say but sounds like this relationship is doomed. You're already mentally preparing to leave him and going by his actions he doesn't seem to care much about you. Why on earth would you want a proposal that was delivered under an ultimatum anyway ?