To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

[LeafyCulprit]

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

Scratch that - he cares more about cash than you, full stop. Fuck him off, he's an utter tosser.

OP i am so sorry, you deserve far far better

Oh god, I find tightness such a total turn off. He is not a partner after almost six years, it's all over bar the singing now.

I have a friend who lives with such a man. He considered his earnings his money and her savings were to be spent staying at home to bring up their two children and halving the bills (except mortgage which he refused to put her on). When they were spent, he told her to get a job if she wanted cash. I couldn't get through to her that they were his kids too, he had to provide something financially too. It's a miserable life with a miser and your dp clearly values his savings piling up more than memories with his loved one.

@LeafyCulprit

You sound lovely. Your DP sounds mean and unkind. And he doesn't seem bothered that you won't be on the holiday

If I was in dire need and really, really needed the money for something important (not a luxury like a holiday) I'm almost 100% certain he'd lend it to me.

almost? lend?

My DH would 100%, GIVE me the money. (and would have done so before marriage too.) with no expectations of repayment.

This beggars belief. Has he no conscience? He's expecting you to wave him off happily? I don't think so.

I having never seen a thread that 100% unaminous.

For whats its worth OP your not stupid i think you've slowly fallen into this trap. Do you have full clarity of what the mortgage is?

Realistically its fine if he wants to keep his house seperate but it then shouldnt be taken into account what he pays and you should split everything else. Effectively this should allow you to build up your own savings to maybe get your own house to rent out.

You pay for the following luxuries: Sky TV, a daily dog walker and a cleaner to clean his house (you also buy all the food, which no doubt includes treats and luxuries he enjoys that you otherwise wouldn't buy) and yet....you cannot afford a holiday.

Sorry, an out with friends so can't really reply easily. The plan is/ was to sell up in the next year or so and buy a place together as I am fed up of living in 'his' house.

I also gave him the ultimatum of me leaving if he hasn't proposed by the time I'm 30. He has 12 months to go. It wasn't an idle threat, I was/ am (if I don't go over this) prepared to walk away if there was no ring by this time next year.

I had also planned to start squirrelling away some money each month as an escape fund as of January.

I don't kkkw what to do, it's all such a fucking mess and I can't believe I've allowed myself to get to this point.

I can't believe he's willing to go away without me.

Oh this makes me so angry! What am awful man. I genuinely don't understand how anybody can be this mean spirited. Poor you, OP.

Fuck that! A definite LTB from me, I bloody hate tight wads.

What are your friends advising?

@annielouise if she's paying for 50% of the costs of owning and running a home she should be entitled to the profit of the property value growth from the date she's moved in not the entire house. But he's purposely leaving her off the mortgage even those she's effectively paying her fait share.

She's supplimenting i his ability to savw, she deserves her rightful equity.

Perhaps there will be a few other things you 'can't afford' to help you add to your escape fund. Good luck and don't wait too long for the rest of your life to start.

I'm so sorry, but it doesn't sound like he sees you as part of his future. If he wanted to be married to you, he would be.

Cancel Sky first thing. If he moans tell him you can't afford it. Put that towards your escape fund. Sky will do anything to keep you and will knock the price down.

I'm convinced your DP is my ex, OP, does he make you pay for fine dining all the time?

If he is my ex, or even if he isn't, run like Usain Bolt. To a far-away planet. Because you deserve better than this, and he's a financially abusive fuckwit.

Leafy your last post made tears come to my eyes... Have a good night out with your friends, talk things over with them, I'm sure they'll be there to help you out emotionally and logistically if you do decide to get out.

He won't change, they never do, and you shouldn't have to accept this!

Good luck

Op it sounds like you full well know you've got to leave and you're putting some plans in place. Even if he proposes, you should leave. If he treats you like this now will it get worse if you're stuck with him so to speak? How will he treat any children you might have? Get out now while you can. You deserve so much more

Fucking hell, woman. Why are your standards so low? Do you have low self esteem? Did your parents have an unhealthy relationship? Were they not good parents to you?

His behaviour is verging on financial abuse and he is guaranteed to become more financially abuse if you continue the relationship and tie yourself to him through marriage, joint mortgage, children.

The hills are that way >>>>

Louhotel - legally I'm pretty sure she's not. Where did you get that information from? What's fair and what's legal don't always meet in the middle.

If you stay with him, how could you actually survive a period of maternity leave? Yes, he'd have to pay the bills, but would you find out that it was all 'on tick' and you'd have to pay it back over the following years?

Oh and he won't allow you to pay towards the morgage, incase you later make a claim on the house.

So he is capable of thinking of both your futures, just you are not part of "his" future.

He has a house
He has a free cleaner
He has free sky
He has free WiFi
He saves money on bills
He saves money.

He has a house and saving.

You are paying to be his house keeper,

You have no house
You pay to clean his house
You pay to feed him
You pay for his internet
You pay for his wifi

You have nothing.

OP 30's are the new 20's dont let this man destroy your chance of a real relationship amd family by waiting for him to change.