Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 22/07/2017 20:58

He's not the most generous person, but he does sometimes pay when we go out etc. If I was in dire need and really, really needed the money for something important (not a luxury like a holiday) I'm almost 100% certain he'd lend it to me.
There is NOTHING normal about this!
Normal relationships do not work like this.

Your standards are way too low, you deserve so much better.
When a man shows you who he is, take notice - this is the future of your relationship.

julessussex · 22/07/2017 20:58

How incredibly unkind and mean. What are you expected to do wave him off smiling?
Have you got kids? Does he expect you to pay half for them to go on hol and if you can't he'll leave one behind? Sorry, but really doesn't bode well for the future

SomeKnobend · 22/07/2017 20:59

I see this is the new "cancel the cheque", but please op do NOT have children with this man. And LTB. And take the dog.

Why does he buy the dog's food but not yours? Cunt.

ThomasinaCoverly · 22/07/2017 21:00

If I was in dire need and really, really needed the money for something important (not a luxury like a holiday) I'm almost 100% certain he'd lend it to me.

So, you're almost 100% sure that your partner, who you say you have a really good relationship with, would lend (not give) you money in a dire emergency? That's not a partnership, that's a housemate you don't know very well.

DH would have lent me money for a dire emergency when we first started dating: by the time we were nearly 6 years in and on the point of getting married, although money was technically in separate accounts there was no "his money" and "my money", and I wouldn't even have had to think about whether I could cope in an emergency. I earned a lot less than him at that stage: I earn a lot more than him now, but it's always been our money.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/07/2017 21:00

Op start doing research into accommodation, move the hell out when you can. Please don't have any kids with this man, it will be far more difficult, especially when yiy have to rely in him more financially. He does not love you, sees you as a money making thing, to keep him in the lifestyle he's accustomed to.

gamerwidow · 22/07/2017 21:01

Me and DH have separate money (but pay for things equally) and at times I have earned 2 or 3 times more than him. There is no way I would go on holiday and leave him behind if he couldn't afford it. It's unkind, mean and just not what partners do. It doesn't sound like he values you at all.
I can't imagine either me or my DH ever letting the other go without if we could afford to help them.

kali110 · 22/07/2017 21:01

I couldn't be with someone so selfish.
You deserve better op.
He doesn't see you as his partner, his equal, you're someone who pays his bills every month.
Be thankful you're not on the mortgage!
Get out now, you can find someone who actually deserves you.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 22/07/2017 21:01

OP, there are some very wise and experienced people on MN. Please listen to them or they will end up looking back at this and wishing you'd acted. This is your cross roads. The writing is on the wall and your DP's nature is clear for you to see. Please open your eyes.

TheWitchAndTrevor · 22/07/2017 21:02

Not RTFT

But I bet your dog walker costs more than the mortgage, Then all the food shopping on top! Plus half the bills.

You need to seriously rethink this relationship.

cordelia16 · 22/07/2017 21:03

your bills may add up to more than his and, as he pays off the mortgage, he will end up with an asset and you will end up with nothing

^^ this

livefrommysofa · 22/07/2017 21:03

I'm gobsmacked! He sounds like an absolute tool! Me and my partner have lived together for 7 years, in his house, he earns significantly more than me, I transfer a set amount into our bills account, I roughly paid one third of our outgoings and he pays two thirds. It's a similar split for our joint savings account also. There's no way my partner would do a couples activity without me because of money, he would either pay for me or neither of us would go. You should be a solid team! He sounds far too selfish, self absorbed to consider your needs worthy of his money. I wouldn't care if he's perfect in every other way, I would find his behaviour very unattractive.

TheWitchAndTrevor · 22/07/2017 21:04

Go read some of the threads on the relationship,

Look at were you could be in the future of you have dc with man.

You would be so far up shit creek without a paddle.........

Parker231 · 22/07/2017 21:04

What a dreadful relationship you are in - it's definitely not a partnership with any equality. I don't understand relationships where both partners don't have an equal share of the spare income after payment of bills. Why should he be able to do things such as holidays and not you? He obviously doesn't love or respect you.

Parker231 · 22/07/2017 21:06

Is your name of the deeds of your home or are you just a lodger?

Crispbutty · 22/07/2017 21:08

I earn a lot less than my DP. We don't have a joint account... but... all money is "ours". We don't lend or borrow off each other. Whoever has the most at the time pays, or transfers money to the other.

Your partner sounds extremely selfish and I wouldn't want a future with him.

missnevermind · 22/07/2017 21:08

Thinking ahead, if you were to have children, nevermind the whole minefield of maternity leave. When obviously you wont need a cleaner or dog walker because you will be at home all day doing nothing.

When you do go back to work - full time or part time? it will be your responsibility to pay the childminder or nursery fees and you will have to do every pick up and drop off. You will be the one to take leave for sickness and school holidays.

OP its exhausting just thinking about it. Then of course the constant sniping because you are tired and not pulling your weight financially.

Get out now. Or sort it and have the frank and full conversation.

ginnystonic · 22/07/2017 21:11

The way you 'split' the finances does not sound fair. It's hard to gauge without exact figures, but it appears you are paying a higher percentage of your total earnings towards household bills than he is, which is why he has £80k in savings and you can't afford a holiday.

RiotAndAlarum · 22/07/2017 21:12

This is so sad to read. Not only will you never catch up with him if you pay so much of your "lifestyle" as a proportion of your salary, he's not doing a damned thing to stop it, and is letting you fall behind. It's just cruel.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 22/07/2017 21:12

Oh this is sad. You're worth more than this. He sounds like an absolute douche.

timeisnotaline · 22/07/2017 21:12

Go to a friend's house for a couple of nights. Have a few drinks and post that message on the whatsapp. If you insist on going back to him, cancel the dog walker and th sky and the cleaner and present him with a roster for cleaning and dog walking , say that this is so you can pay him back and join him on couples holidays. Basically start to expect your partner to treat you like one, and see if he is capable of it. He doesn't sound like it. My partner would also sell a kidney for me if I had an emergency. My next door neighbours from 3 house moves ago would lend me the money. Poor you.

thefourgp · 22/07/2017 21:13

Good posts Karmanomore

ThePants999 · 22/07/2017 21:15

I'm the man and the higher earner, so let me give you some perspective on why this is OK.

...no, sorry, I've got nothing. He's a cunt.

WomanWithAltitude · 22/07/2017 21:16

This isn't a partnership, and I'd leave him tbh. He has shown you exactly what you mean to him. He cares more about having a large pile of cash than about spending his time with you.

missnevermind · 22/07/2017 21:16

Why does he buy the dog's food but not yours?

This sort of sums it up really.

annielouise · 22/07/2017 21:17

What a tightwad! Bloody hell. I can't believe he'd go without you. In a way I think it would be a good idea to let him go and see the other couples and miss you, but then I read it's diving so I doubt he'd miss you that much (sorry). What about booking somewhere you can all afford? What happens if you have kids and have no income? Would he be willing to buy the household food so you at least get fed? I'm not so sure.

To whoever asked is she on the deeds. I don't think she should be. The home was an inheritance. She's living there practically free, apart from living expenses. If it was a woman I'd say the same thing. She's not put in for the mortgage and it was his money from his gran. How you square that long term if you marry and have kids I don't know. Perhaps you need to move to a completely fresh property and start paying half to have a stake. Long term you're in a precarious position.