Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
DonttouchthatLarry · 22/07/2017 20:47

My husband earns 5 x my (part time) salary - he was horrified when I read this out to him! He also said you should tell the other couples exactly why you're not going - I would judge a friend's partner if I heard they were behaving like this. In fact my friend's ex was like this - they had been together for 6 years although lived apart (due to him being a twat) and once came back off holiday and did the whole 'you owe me £10 for lunch that day, and I owe you the airport parking...etc).

I could not live with someone like that.

2rebecca · 22/07/2017 20:48

That isn't a partnership to me. I earn more than my husband but our money is our money. To be separate money means just boyfriend and girlfriend, flat mates who have sex not a partnership. I can't imagine leaving my husband behind and choosing to go away without him. He is mean and values his friends over you.
I wouldn't want to always feel the poor relation and wouldn't want a future with a man who viewed me like that.

DotForShort · 22/07/2017 20:48

Why on earth did you agree to such a ridiculous division of expenses? No wonder he has £80k in the bank. You're paying for practically everything. He pays half of most of the bills and a tiny mortgage, while earning vastly more than you do. Nice arrangement for him.

ShesNoNormanPace · 22/07/2017 20:48

You think he'd lend you money if you were really stuck? When he's still smarting over £150 from last year? I don't think so.

This really isn't the relationship you think it is. He's telling you how unimportant you are to him.

FagAshMIL · 22/07/2017 20:48

I find this heartbreaking actually. He doesn't sound very kind.

ZanyMobster · 22/07/2017 20:49

Wow, I usually think each to their own and all that about how people deal wuth their joint finances but I am actually stunned at this.

If you are living together then you should be partners and the money issue is a huge things in a relationship, I am not sure how you could actually stay together in all honesty. You are not his partner, you live in his house but pay a huge amount of the bills in spite of earning a lot less. What about if you were ever on maternity leave etc?

Also I am quite shocked about you saying that you are almost 100% certain he would lend you the money if you needed it for something important. Why on earth would he lend it? I can't imagine my DH lending it to me, surely a true partner would just pay.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 22/07/2017 20:50

If I was in dire need and really, really needed the money for something important (not a luxury like a holiday) I'm almost 100% certain he'd lend it to me.

Are you fucking serious? If I was in dire need of money, my partner would sell a kidney if he had to, and you're not even positive he'd lend you the money that he has sitting around.
Stop minimising. This is appalling.

ZanyMobster · 22/07/2017 20:50

Sorry if that sounds harsh OP, I really feel for you and I'm not surprised you are upset Flowers

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/07/2017 20:51

Sorry posted because phone is playing up and I didn't want to lose my post.

As for lending you money. Are you in s relationship or not?

If you did have children would he be totting up exactly how much the child cost him and present him with a bill on his 18th birthday?

Begin your holiday on the day he goes away. That way you can take everything that is yours and you and ddog go and live somewhere away from this tightfisted nasty man and finally get someone that treats you so much better.

Another reason he pays the mortgage is one day the mortgage will get paid off but food shopping is for life

chips4teaplease · 22/07/2017 20:52

You're paying half his mortgage, as well as half bills, and everything else. He's laughing op, your helping him fund his extravagent lifestyle and allowing him to save
This is the truth. And you'll be left with nothing when he finds the woman he wants to marry. I'm sorry. Cut your losses and get out right now.

Squirmy65ghyg · 22/07/2017 20:53

It's awful. Why would your standards be so low? You don't have to put up with that behaviour.

Hassled · 22/07/2017 20:53

I really hope you are able to see how shocked we all are - and able to see that we're right. If/when this relationship goes tits up, he walks away with a house and £80K. You walk away with so little in the way of savings that you can't afford a holiday. If he really cared, don't you think that would upset him? Don't you think he'd hate to see you in such a vulnerable position?

KarmaNoMore · 22/07/2017 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dumdedumdum · 22/07/2017 20:53

I'm gobsmacked at this

C8H10N4O2 · 22/07/2017 20:54

Financially he is having a laugh and he certainly isn't providing 'free' accommodation.
He pays the small mortgage and insurance - basically the items which can be indicative of home ownership. He is protecting his assets from you.

If declining your offer to co pay the mortgage was from a genuine place he would be paying half the bills instead of having them paid for by someone on a third of his income.

From the outside it sounds like he has a live in housekeeper with benefits who pays her own wages.

I'm sure that is not how you feel but really this is not normal and I would not have children with this man without either a financial contract in place or demonstrated change in behaviour.
If that sounds unromantic - there is nothing romantic about trying to raise a family dependent on father who is married to "his" money.

user1493630944 · 22/07/2017 20:54

You are wasting your time with this man. If you have children with him you will find yourself begging for the money to buy essentials for the baby when you are on maternity leave - and it will get worse. What on earth does he think money is for? He doesn't want you, that is for sure, and as for £150 owing from last year - what planet does he live on?

JessieMcJessie · 22/07/2017 20:54

I Ann not going to repeat what everyone else has said above about him not behaving like a true partner, but I agree with it all. What strikes a chord with me is that you have been together for a serious chunk of time and living together also for a lot of that. Do you hope one day to get married, or are you both happy with it being a long term arrangement without marriage? I ask because I am afraid it sounds like he is stringing you along and isn't really thinking in long term terms, whereas you probably are. Are you still quite young (by which I mean under 30?). Is this your first serious relationship? You can do so much better.
If marriage is something that you want then I am afraid that he'd have asked by now if it was what he wanted.

corythatwas · 22/07/2017 20:54

*TheHodgeoftheHedge Sat 22-Jul-17 20:50:03
If I was in dire need and really, really needed the money for something important (not a luxury like a holiday) I'm almost 100% certain he'd lend it to me.

Are you fucking serious? If I was in dire need of money, my partner would sell a kidney if he had to, and you're not even positive he'd lend you the money that he has sitting around.
Stop minimising. This is appalling.*

THIS

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 22/07/2017 20:55

He's treating you like a lodger financially - he gets to pay off a mortgage, while using you to pay the household costs. If he's still treating you that way after years together, there is truly something wrong. As others have said, cancel all the stuff you pay and leave. Find someone who appreciates you and wants to share their life with you.

Goodythreeshoes · 22/07/2017 20:56

I think I'd be too hurt to carry on this relationship if I were you OP.
He's not daft is he. Not allowing you to contribute to the mortgage but happy for you to pay more than your fair share towards everything else. I'd cut my losses and let him snuggle up to his lovely £80,000 nestegg when I'd gone.

Donttouchthethings · 22/07/2017 20:56

So sorry OP. Hope you're OK.

If nothing else, try to think practically. He's ensuring his own security by paying his mortgage. What are you doing to ensure your financial security? Has he even proposed? Are you due to get married soon? You really need to start putting yourself first. I would forget the holiday and start saving for a deposit for your own place.

Haffiana · 22/07/2017 20:56

Let him go on his own. Then he will be outed as a stingy, selfish shit to his friends. I bet they will withdraw from him after that.

Guepe · 22/07/2017 20:57

Thinking about it, when I was a university student my housemates and I decided to go on vacation together. One of our housemates couldn't afford it, but we didn't want to go without them so we paid for it (and we certainly didn't have 80k in the bank!!)

A 'partner' being unwilling to do the same is mind-boggling to me.

Stopyourhavering · 22/07/2017 20:58

I'm sorry nut this isn't a partnership....my dh ( of 30 yrs) earns almost 8 times my (part time)salary .... there is never an issue of his money and his money ....it s ours!
I had an 8 year career gap to look after our chidren, I then supported him when he had a major breakdown and retrained, developing a very successful practice....
Get out while you can....he is using you

Notknownatthisaddress · 22/07/2017 20:58

I am really sorry to say, that reading between the lines, I genuinely feel the OP won't leave. It's the classic thread complaining about a man and then back peddling and saying 'oh but he is really sweet and I love him.' Blush WHY do women do this, why why why?

Sorry OP but how the fuck can you LOVE someone who treats you with such contempt. Stewing over £150 you owe him from a year ago when he has £80K?! And even after nearly 6 years together, he is going on hols without you coz you can't afford to go. WTF?! Hmm

And I agree with the poster who said that you are 'happy with him otherwise' because you have learned to settle for so little, and you have learned to be treated like a second class citizen. As has been said, he is not having you pay the mortgage, as he doesn't want you to have any share in the property.

Has he ever offered to marry you? Probably not eh? That would mean pooling the finances a bit more and sharing his 'wealth.'

So many red flags OP. PLEASE re-consider your relationship with this man. You have been together nearly 6 years, and he is ranting about £150 you 'owe him,' and going on a COUPLES holiday without you because you can't afford it! Confused

Seriously 6 years into mine and DH's relationship, we had been dating, got engaged, had gone on several holidays abroad, got married, had one joint account, and bought a home together! Your relationship sounds like you have been together since April this year! Confused

And as people have said, he is well off because YOU are paying more for stuff!

Sorry to sound harsh, but you are deluded if you think this relationship is good, and even if you DO love this man, trust me, he doesn't love you. Sad