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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 22/07/2017 20:34

Fucking hell!

My dh is cautious with money but he'd never lend me money as we're a partnership and he's never been as awful as your dp.

Please think hard as although other areas are good money will end up causing a massive wedge especially if you factor kids in.

His attitude is horrible!

Petalflowers · 22/07/2017 20:34

I'm speechless. Had you been together for a few months, I could understand his approach. However, you have been together for five years and living together for three!

I concur with the other posts. This is no relationship. The partnership is uneven. He is very selfish finacially.

I rarely say this, but LTB.

Lanaorana2 · 22/07/2017 20:34

Awful. Mate, this is not the LTR you hoped for. Deep breath and out the door- there's a whole world of better out there. Flowers

MadMags · 22/07/2017 20:34

He's so great isn't he?

Meanwhile he's paying off a house he's been very careful to ensure you can stake no claim on, while you pay for his sky TV and his food...

babyboomersrock · 22/07/2017 20:35

I wasn't lying when I said that our relationship in every other aspect is really good and that we are v happy together

Only because you're settling for so little, OP. He's not a partner in any real sense.

lucyloopy · 22/07/2017 20:36

Honestly if you continue this relationship and do the whole marriage and kids thing you will look back at the moment and wish you had made a different choice.

The trouble is its hard to see unless you end up in a crap situation which is why MN is so good as you can get feed back from women who have been where you are.

You know it doesn't feel right. You say thing we're 100% fine before this but he is taking advantage of you with the division of bills.

He is showing you who he is here and what you can expect from him in the future. Trust me, if you bring children in to this dynamic, you will have fucked yourself over.

I had a really similar experience with 'D'H before we were married/had DC's. I ended it as it although it wasn't a huge deal, it felt 'off' but he talked me round to my huge regret.

Birthdayweekend22 · 22/07/2017 20:36

Diving is addictive, so I suspect he will be planning lots more holidays without you in the future. If he has 80k savings why has he not paid off his mortgage? Saving rates are currently poor. I agree with everyone else, leave and start again. I don't think he respects you and you are paying too much in your current situation.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/07/2017 20:37

Look it can take time for a person to leave, as op has said, its not easy. I think this thread has shown her, and the penny is gradually dropping. Op he is not a kind person, yes lending should not even be featuring in your relationship, especially when he has 80k in the bank. He's holding a grudge over £150. What you are paying to him, is Ott. Your keeping him op, on what you have, alliwingvhim to save all that money

pigsDOfly · 22/07/2017 20:38

Haven't read all eleven pages so if it's been said already apologies, but I would let him go on his couples holiday and while he away I would be looking for somewhere else to live. He sounds nasty.

Jg1 · 22/07/2017 20:39

"He does sometimes pay when we got out" The fuck??!
He earns 3x more than you. You pay a shitload more than him in household expenses by the sound of it.
He MUST pay HIS small mortgage or he'd lose the place. God forbid he'd have you pay a proportion and give you any sort of clsim on the place if/WHEN ge decides you reslky aren't good enough for him!
The food shopping YOU pay for, is it beans on toadt each night or fancier fayre to suit his high-earning status?
Serioysly, I know it's not easy for you to see what we all can. You've invested a lot of time in this relationship but honestly, where do you see it going??

DixieFlatline · 22/07/2017 20:39

Only because you're settling for so little, OP. He's not a partner in any real sense.

There's definitely an 'expect nothing and you won't be disappointed' thing going on here.

wotabastard · 22/07/2017 20:40

Op how are you feeling now with this unanimous response. Sad I'm so sorry I know this must be so hard. Hope you're ok x Flowers

snackarella · 22/07/2017 20:41

Wtf??? It's so weird that he would go without you!!!
He should totally pay or at the least offer to lend x

BewareOfDragons · 22/07/2017 20:41

You're almost certain?

You might love him, but he surely doesn't love you as much as he should.

He has £80k in savings because you are paying way more than your fair share of your living expenses. He is letting the woman who loves him be taken advantage of - by him!

I'd cancel sky, internet, the cleaner, dog walker and go while he's gone. Get organized, and go.

You are too good for him, OP.

Gemini69 · 22/07/2017 20:42

if you can prove your paying toward the Bills etc.. and living there for 3.5years..even though haven't paid int the mortgage.. you CAN claim half the property x

www.theguardian.com/money/2010/jun/20/mortgage-warning-unmarried-couples

Flowers
JaneEyre70 · 22/07/2017 20:42

I would so post that message on the whatsapp group when you've had a drink or two to bolster your courage. Show his friends what a shit he is. Because he is a shit, and you're nothing more than a lodger in his house. I think you must know deep down that this isn't right to have posted. Trust your gut instinct, it rarely lies.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 22/07/2017 20:42

You are absolutely kidding yourself that he is a good partner. He earns 3x more than you and it sounds like you are paying for half of everything. Not on. It should be split according to income. DH and I have separate finances and always have done. He works, I don't and have disability benefits. We have always had exactly the same spending money after bills are paid because we split it accordingly, which is how it should be. Not counting £150 a year later that you apparently owe him and him sodding off on a holiday whilst you stay home and he has 80k in the bank! He saw you coming OP, he really did. He gets to save because you supplement him. Tell him to fuck off on his holiday and ypu hope his unattractive tightarse ways keep him warm at night. But I don't think you will. I think you'll seethe and moan to friends but ultimately, you'll just accept it.

Pengggwn · 22/07/2017 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleWingSoul · 22/07/2017 20:42

I can only hope OP's friend she is meeting up with drinks for tonight is reiterating what we've all said. Harder to do face to face, I know.

So true about it big difficult to leave, ignoring early warning signs and waiting for it to get worse Sad

I really feel for the OP Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 22/07/2017 20:42

Your paying half his mortgage, as well as half bills, and everything else. He's laughing op, your helping him fund his extravagent lifestyle and allowing him to save. Yes your indeed a lodger, that is how he's treating you.

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/07/2017 20:43

Of course your relationship is good he can't afford to rock the boat and have you pissed off because then he would have to pay for his own food. I am sure you will get a heartfelt apology it is cheaper than paying for you to go on holiday.

He only sometimes pays when you go out.

Words fail me.

I would be charging him for everything you do from now on. And I mean everything.

Dp has always out earned me. We do have separate bank accounts and every month after his salary has gone in his account he keeps enough for lunches and travel and a few hundred for spending money (he works overseas a lot) and to pay his cc bill then puts the rest in my account. It is a fair amount and I pay all the bills and what's left over I decide what to do with it. If I want to spend it all then that is up to me. He pays when we go out every single time. I can honestly say I have never picked up a restaurant bill in 38 years.

bringbacksideburns · 22/07/2017 20:44

There's nothing more unattractive than a mean person who is wadded.

I think it's all been said to you. No you are not wrong to feel hurt. No this is not an equal partnership and no do not stay with him.

QuackDuckQuack · 22/07/2017 20:44

I think Janus may be right, your bills may add up to more than his and, as he pays off the mortgage, he will end up with an asset and you will end up with nothing.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/07/2017 20:45

Yes cut this contract off and find somewhere else

KarmaNoMore · 22/07/2017 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.