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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness Sad

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 22/07/2017 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bbcessex · 22/07/2017 20:22

OP.. the word 'lend' should not figure in a long term, loving, equal relationship.

You need to reset your mind.. you're no longer thinking in normal terms.

JiggyTuff · 22/07/2017 20:22

He's horrible, cheap and he doesn't love you.

Roundandroundtheapartment · 22/07/2017 20:22

What an ass!

PoppyFleur · 22/07/2017 20:23

OP - on the surface of it I think your DP actions are incredibly thoughtless and unkind. However, I am a saver by nature and if my DP frittered away money as soon as it was earned I would perhaps feel less generous about subsidising them.

How are things split between you from a monetary standpoint? You have listed the areas you cover but not how much it all comes to, are you covering 50% or less? 3.5 years is a long time to live with someone and not have an understanding of your contribution to the household versus theirs.

It might be time to reassess the relationship.

StarUtopia · 22/07/2017 20:23

No no no. It is as simple as that. This man is not in love with you.

This is not a relationship. You are like a lodger!

100% sure he would 'lend' it to you ? ! My husband gives me all of his money!!!! We are a team. We decide together how to spend our money. We are rich together and we are poor together.

I've just read this whole thing out to husband - who replied with, (and I quote' The man is a cunt'

bbcessex · 22/07/2017 20:23

Posting ginnyys message would certainly open their eyes... and yours..

Moanyoldcow · 22/07/2017 20:23

You're deluded. That's not a partnership.

Imagine what having children with this man would be like. Hell. Then you'll be trapped.

Then when you leave he'll drag you through the court for custody and pay an expensive barrister and you'll have to represent yourself.

But he won't marry you either. Too scared of losing half of his assets.

Leave now. Love doesn't raise children and pay bills.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2017 20:24

So...you have to basically beg for money and throw "huffs" when you want some common kindness from him

You are a fool if you stay with him. You have been warned but I suspect you are doing the fingers in ears la la la thing

BraveBear · 22/07/2017 20:24

£80,000 in the bank and he's been stewing for a year over £150?

Leave Scrooge to his beloved bank balance. Or at least "get your ducks in a row" as they like to say here! Start thinking about your future and what (who) you want in it...

LittleWingSoul · 22/07/2017 20:25

That I'd NOT a proportional split! My DH earns maybe 5x what I do and covers all the rent and all the bills. I cover food shop and petrol.

If/when you split up OP, you'll have paid his lifestyle for him while he gets the house you have helped maintain!

So mean! I'd be pretty heartbroken by this set up too.

Or course money isn't everything, but if you end up with kids you'll struggle to match his earning over the years with maternity/career break and you'll be left in a very vulnerable position where he is able to control you with money.

Has he ever mentioned what would happen with the house long term - putting your name on it etc.? Or marriage?

Janus · 22/07/2017 20:26

I think buying the food alone probably adds up to his mortgage payment (do you actually know what he pays for the mortgage?). And then you pay on your own internet and sky (£100 pm?) dog walker (£10 a walk must be £50 a week, £200 pm) cleaner (£30 pw?, £120 pm) half everything else, yours is adding up to MORE than his and he's on 3 x your salary?? Do you go halves on meals out etc?

I'm angry on your behalf. He's horrible.

Ellie56 · 22/07/2017 20:26

This thread is over 10 pages long and and the verdict as far as I can see is vritually unanimous.You can do better than this OP. Get rid and run for the hills.It will only get worse.

DJBaggySmalls · 22/07/2017 20:26

Dont have children with this man. I'd leave, theres no future if this is how he behaves after 5 years.
What if you lose your job, or become disabled? you would not be able to afford his lifestyle.

Notknownatthisaddress · 22/07/2017 20:27

@EdmundCleverClogs

Are you engaged or talked about marriage? Would he do this if you were married?

Haven't read the last 7 pages, but I have to say, I do think this man will be EXACTLY the same if they get married.

Trust me, I have seen this happen. ( Not with me! ) Smile

ParisGellar · 22/07/2017 20:27

Honestly, LTB. This won't get any better! Yy to those mentioning if you have children and you're only getting maternity pay and he expects you to pay half then, too

ImperialBlether · 22/07/2017 20:27

If I was in dire need and really, really needed the money for something important (not a luxury like a holiday) I'm almost 100% certain he'd lend it to me.

I know my next door neighbour would lend me the money in a situation like that. He'd probably give it to me. You're not even dead certain your own partner would lend it to you! God, OP, get away from this twat.

Janus · 22/07/2017 20:29

Love Ginny's suggestion.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2017 20:30

Op....in the situation you describe I would give you the fucking money you needed

Don't you get it ?

HotelEuphoria · 22/07/2017 20:30

You are nuts. You seriously think this is ok? Not just the holiday but the whole set up?

You are little more than a lodger with benefits to him. He sounds awful and you have been conditioned to believe this is ok.

You have posted before about him and money I think, some of the things you have mentioned about the house and inheritance sound familiar.

TeachesOfPeaches · 22/07/2017 20:32

Perhaps he is going to surprise you?

missnevermind · 22/07/2017 20:32

I pay for the Sky, the internet, half of all the other bills, buy all of the food and pay for a weekly cleaner and daily dog walker Mon-Fri

I cant see how all this adds up to half of a very small mortgage. Especially if you have movies and sports (Because I bet you watch loads)

Nocabbageinmyeye · 22/07/2017 20:33

Almost 100% sure he would LEND to you if you were in dire straits, Christ that is sad

Guepe · 22/07/2017 20:33

This doesn't sound like a relationship to me. The 'you still owe me £150' is jaw-dropping in the circumstances.

I know not everyone on this site believes in pooling all of your funds when you're in a relationship, but this takes it to extremes.

I don't think I've given one of these before, but LTB.

LittleWingSoul · 22/07/2017 20:34

He'd lend it to you?! So if you lost your job or became disabled or had a baby would he lend you the money and then keep note of how much you owe? If he's resentful over £150 for a holiday (a year ago - which he hasn't mentioned but has clearly stewed over)... How will he feel if he has to look after you financially for an extended period of time - his spouse, his love, his dear partner?

I'm sorry this is all coming out now OP but maybe it's for the best that it has.