To give up on 8yo DD?

[ByeByeTether]

I have 3dc, a DS17 who despite being born to a teenage mum and having a useless father who has barely bothered with him, has turned out really well, is sensible, kind and funny. A dd6 who is lovely but clingy and accident prone (suspect dyspraxia). And dd8 who this thread is about.

During my pregnancy, abusive XH was having an affair with a 16yo girl and then had many affairs since, so things have never been easy. She was a fractious child and then went on to have some behavioural problems as a toddler - would hit other children. Despite the difficulties, I threw myself into motherhood, putting my career on hold and completely living for the children.

At around the time I left XH, dd1's behaviour deteriorated. She has no self esteem and will not accept compliments. She is violent and destructive and has 'meltdowns' every day. She's obese and very tall so I cannot physically control her.

After 3 years of begging for help but being turned away by all the professionals, the school stepped in and we now have a social worker, she's seeing CAMHS, has been accepted on to some other schemes but it feels like too little too late. The professionals are basically blaming me saying that I behave as an abuse victim and she has become the abuser. I have raised the possibility of an underlying condition such as ASD. They don't seem interested in exploring this avenue.

My problem is, I have nothing left emotionally or physically, to try and sort this out. I am quite ill with a chronic condition so I have barely any energy. I do not enjoy my DD's company and our bond is severely fractured. I don't know if I can get that back. I hate my situation and motherhood, it's now affecting my relationship with dd(6) and I am withdrawing further and further.

Their relationship with their dad (XH) is complicated. He's controlling and abusive to me still. He's seeing them EOW at the moment but has gone through phases of not seeing them at all and doesn't take proper care of them all the time. He would never have them full time as his girlfriends and his social life come first.

I have a week off work this week to spend with them. Usually I would be planning our time to pack in as many activities as possible but this time I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I've spent the last week being battered by DD and I am dreading a week of the same. She's already kicked off this morning over her hair.

I have begun an online parenting course and signed up to emails from a parenting site but I feel like I'm past the point of being able to turn it around. I feel totally and utterly trapped with just one way out but I don't want to leave my DC without a parent and I could never do that to my family. Does anyone have any advice about where I go from here or has experienced similar? What do you do when you are at the end?

Misti an adult who has affairs with children is a predator which is in no way equivalent of those of use with neurodevelopemental disabilities

I would recommend looking into BCLC: Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control. It is an approach developed for children who have experienced trauma and for whom traditional reward/punishment-based techniques simply don't work (including children who were adopted at older ages and suffered attachment issues). She may be behaving this way due to fear that is rooted in early trauma. Her behaviour is irrational so it's unlikely she can respond to the typical sort of stick or carrot approach, since they are all about making logical connections and understanding cause and effect. She may well comprehend that intellectually but be completely at sea emotionally.

This doesn't at all mean that you must accept misbehaviour or forget about discipline. Not at all. But the run-of-the-mill methods don't work. BCLC is all about forging strong relationships and understanding the fear and other primal emotions underlying the child's behaviour. There are books and DVDs that you can order, and you can even do phone consultations.

You sound so defeated and my heart goes out to you. But that little girl is crying out in every way she can that she desperately needs you.

Yes, I've been very honest with the social worker and have cried in front of her a few times.

IHate, the meltdowns happen daily but she only sees her dad EOW. There was a time where she refused to go and was threatening suicide of she was forced so I supported her in that choice and didn't make her go. She didn't go for around 6 months but it made no difference to her behaviour although he ramped up his shit during this time. Currently she's happy to go as he bought her a phone against my wishes.

I wouldn't normally ever link up with a username-change on here, but I wanted to show you that whilst there are many, many judgemental idiots that think they know best, without walking in someone else's shoes, there are also a lot of loud voices who 'get' it. I started this thread a couple of months ago, and was given a lot of support from people on it, and just wanted you to read it for the supportive comments, and maybe even something that makes you think of something to try.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2938205-My-8-year-old-just-thumped-me-in-the-face?msgid=69300329

This sounds incredibly difficult. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm wondering if you have considered whether she is going through early puberty? The height, obsesity and emotional meltdowns could suggest this. It may be worth asking for a referral to a paediatric endocrinologist. I really hope you all get the help you need.

I'm sure everyone on this thread will jump on me, but I do wonder whether it would be better for all of you if she went into care. You sound to me right on the edge: if you go over and can't look after any of your children, that's four lives wrecked, not just one. And we all know there's no support available, for any of you, if you can't afford to pay for it.

I know the care system is wrecked. I know her chances aren't good. But this child's other parent is a waste of space, and you've reached the point where you just can't cope any more. Do some posters think you ought to wait till she's big and strong enough to put you in hospital, rather than just hurting you, before you're allowed to say you can't do this? Does your mental health have to deteriorate to the point when you have to be admitted to hospital? How far are you expected to go?

Talk to SS and say to them honestly what you've said on this thread. You can't give what you haven't got, and I think some people on here have no idea how hard this is.

I have no advice

But I did want to send my support your way and hope that you get some advice on here to help you

Regardless of What diagnosis you get invest in the parenting courses and books and much of the advice and techniques are very sound

Good luck

By 8 I see that children can become trickier and really manifest any negative emotions they have picked up . Given what you shared it's a tricky time for her

What happened was that 6 months ago, DD threatened to self harm at school. After years of pleading for help, all of a sudden loads of professionals were involved. We finally got accepted to CAMHS but have been on a waiting list for a worker. We got offered a place on the waiting list for Young carers but still currently waiting. There were early intervention panels and meetings etc. and a social worker was assigned. She's done some work with DD around her anger issues and secured us a FIT worker although I'm not sure when they start.

I'm really glad we finally have some movement but this all should have been done when I asked years ago instead of waiting until we are at crisis point. In any event, I've learnt not to get my hopes up where professionals are concerned because it never ends up being the help you thought it would be. I still don't feel like they're listening now because I would like a psychologist/psychiatrist/paediatrician/the right expert to see her and rule out underlying conditions before we decide what route to take but they want to rule out my late ting first which just seems backwards to me. Nobody has yet been able to explain my DD's difficulties with friendships and other children although I'm already sure that the abuse has taken its toll. I just don't think it's the only thing going on and I'm keenly aware that a diagnosis is just the beginning before the battle to get adequate help and support but it does open doors.

Crochet did you get anywhere ? Hope some good advice was given eventually .,..

My DS is also very tricky and I can't go into why but I kind of know it's some issues with me and DP

I told my boss
Something DS did and my boss was So shocked which woke me up

I have bought a parenting book and I need to woman up

Good luck to us all

Petsville, if someone had offered that choice to me this morning, I'd have said take her. Maybe she'd get the help she needs in care. That makes me feel really really shit. If someone had told me 4 years ago that it would come to this, I'd have laughed in their faces. I had no idea things would get this bad this quickly and it worries me that I equally don't know what's round the corner. My social worker asked me to decide where the final line lies and what we will do once it's crossed. I just don't want to think about it though. How did this happen?

stopfucking

She has now been given an ASD diagnosis, and discharged from CAMHS. All that without seeing her personally for the final 6 appointments or even for diagnosis. Despite acknowledging severe anxiety, they won't do anything with that, because 'anxiety is expected in kids with ASD'. I'm still awaiting the diagnosis report, so don't know what is going to be included in that, but we haven't been given any advice or signposting.

Sorry, the typo was 'parenting'. My social worker is about to sign off on our case so it will be out of her hands at that point.

What Dot says is very wise OP

Whilst you wait for help I genuinely think that's worth investigating

Also interested to see how her behaviour changes when not at school too

Is it better or worse

Stick in here and people
Will have their own advice and some will be very useful

I still don't feel like they're listening now because I would like a psychologist/psychiatrist/paediatrician/the right expert to see her and rule out underlying conditions before we decide what route to take

Can't you just make an appointment with such an expert and take her there?

I am not familiar with how the NHS works, as I am not in the UK, but surely you are free to decide?

I haven't RTFT, as my own DD (8) has had her share of meltdowns today.

Something will go wrong (according to her) and she will totally lose it. She will scream and shout, rip the picture up then go on a rampage kicking furniture, throwing things.

That's my DD. She also has to have the perfect hair, wants to eat all the time, is incredibly strong etc etc. She was diagnosed with ASD age 5. My ex was also abusive towards me.

OP, may I suggest contacting Lighthouse. They have loads of courses (DD and I have just done the Stronger Families course - for children who have witnessed domestic abuse - and it's great). They have loads of information and resources and may be able to help you get the help you need.

Please feel free to pm me if you want to chat.

Stop, that's a good point. I will keep a diary to see if there are any changes.

Vesta, unless you go private, you have to access services through the GP. So far my GP has only referred to CAMHS and when I asked if there was an alternative route to assessment, they didn't know Abd didn't get back to me.

DD is finally in bed and now I feel guilty for feeling like I can't cope. Tomorrow is a new day and all that.

Thank you Woof, and the others who have offered to let me pm. I might take you up on that. Tonight I'm going to switch off and have an early night. Another day survived just.

We had slot of issues with a close family member of same age

I suspect he has experienced trauma . Ah I just don't know

Much of his sadness was actually down to some bullying . I love your attitude and the school holidays is a good time if you can to keep a diary , and maybe spend quality time

See how many good or OK days you have and build on them

You are doing your best and we are not always given easy children . Be they mental of physical problems , no one warns us and you are doing your very best that's clear

peng I agree that nobody but ops dd really knows what is going on, and at 8 she won't have the emotional maturity to self analyse and then verbalise what is wrong. However, self harming is not the normal reaction of an 8yr old to ineffective discipline. I think that we can safely say that whatever the causes it is far more complex.

I think that the cahms cunt deciding it is pointless because she won't engage, when she's not even had the sessions yet is beyond disgusting. It's fucking outrageous.

If you really feel you might do something you'll regret op then I second asking ss to take her into care, but that really should be a last resort

Thanks crochet. Let's hope a school free summer provides some peace for you ? I feel that MH support for children is woefully underfunded and it's complex . Not easy

Hi Tether, no advice just wanted to say I hope things improve soon and you are able to access the help your DD clearly needs.

It all sounds really difficult but you also sound like you are doing your best