To still feel so fucked off with my parents?

[lastminuterush]

In many ways my parents were good; very loving and generous and supportive.

But there are various things that really stand out from my childhood and adolescence and I sometimes feel angry.

Like:

• clothes; we didn't lack money but I never had clothes. A few hand me downs from my brother. Some horrible stuff from the market. Occasionally I'd beg something as a birthday or Christmas present but often it was wrong - like one year I asked for jeans and I got them but they were more demim trousers with an elasticised waist and embroidery, so for much younger girls. It contributed in part to such bad bullying as I always had awful stuff.

• my dad and the camera. He used to 'stage' elaborate photographs - getting the whole family to stand somewhere stupid while he took a picture or getting you into stupid poses and then putting the photos up somewhere. He once barged in on me when I was trying to eat something and took a photo. Just made you feel self conscious and stupid. And I hate the fact that I hate most of our family photos as I remember feeling awkward and ridiculous.

• Sunday school. My brother and I were made to attend Sunday school twice a day every Sunday. This lasted until year 5 for me I think and year 7 for my brother. Then it was once a day. I think we finally rebelled completely in secondary. The people running it were completely barking mad but my dad used to chuckle in an indulgent way and seemed to find them charming

• food. Just couldn't ever have a snack without some huge row as my mum worried endlessly about me getting fat yet used to buy copious amounts of cakes and biscuits.

• my mum slagging me off to people, sometimes inventing stuff. Sometimes if I challenged her on it she'd do this silly high pitched laugh and claim it happened. Stuff like 'titter titter my DD once rang me in the middle of the night because she fell out with her friends at a sleepover'. This didn't happen! Other times she would agree it was fictitious but she was trying to make the other parent feel better because I was well behaved

• mother having a memory like an elephant. I got into a minor bit of trouble at school in year 1 - talking or something - and the teacher must have mentioned it to my grandmother at pickup and she told my mum. My mum was still talking about it when I was in secondary school.

• my mums rages. Not often but sometimes I remember her just losing it and screaming. It was frightening when I was little.

• the emphasis on academic achievement. They used to force me to do work after school and if I got things wrong they'd yell and scream; my dad would punch things in frustration. It made me feel awful.

• comparisons to other children; my mum would tell me how much better another little girl was at me for something.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel mad with them, then guilty.

(I don't want counselling; please don't suggest.)

YANBU - they sound fairly shit parents

However, you're and adult so time to let it go and move on.

Some of what you mention resonates with me too. Some of it still stings as I still have some issues from it (lack of confidence, always feel inferior) but what has helped me the most is using it as a learning tool to make sure my dd will never have those issues.

They sound awful.

Honestly, that doesn't sound that bad. Nobody can be perfect all of the time. The things you've listed sound either like minor mistakes or your interpretation of something pretty innocent.

What a couple of shitbags.

How's life for you now? Are you happy?

Actually most of them don't sound like a big deal. And if you do t want counselling what do you want people to say? Most parents don get clothing trends and get them very wrong, silly photos-what you find cute and funny often mortifies your kids, Sunday school; lots of us were forced it was the done thing, a focus on the academic and making you do your homework is normal; getting angry and hitting things not ideal but it was different and giving your kid a smack although not right was common, I got slippered regularly. Mum making things up, saying about fat and being unkind sounds a bit shit but either accept they had flaws, get help, speak to them or move on.

You say your parents were loving generous and supportive. That is huge - the big stuff that really matters. Your list sounds a bit harsh, picking fault with them, when counterbalanced a general backdrop of love and support. We all fuck up a but as parents, but it sounds like yours loved you and were doing their best. I would let the petty shit go and I think you will be happy for it. So your parents were perfect - who is?

Oh hon no wonder you are angry.
A lot of that is abusive and you are doubly confused because they appeared to be so nice and such great parents outwardly. I had a bit of this with my parents though to a much lesser degree and it has taken most of my adulthood to get my head straight over it
They were good parents in lots of ways but i am left with the conclusion that they were often more interested in how we appeared to the neighbours and how we reflected on them as parents than anything else. I was pressured over my weight ( and have had a lifelong struggle with food as a result) and academic performance etc so i do get it totally.
Counselling helped and i read a lot and the stately homes thread on here helped no end because people do understand.
I have grieved it through and forgiven and largely moved on though whenever i visit their home it takes about 24 hrs for me to start to come unravelled even now. But that is the little girl side of me . The grown up bit has learnt to ignore that and accept myself. It is v liberating !
I hope you find the love and help you need to heal from it all. Huge hugs to you x

I'm sorry your childhood/adolescence wasn't what you would have hoped for, and it sounds like your mother had 'issues!' But don't hold on to that all your life. You will end up a bitter and angry old woman. Be a better person, be nice to your parents, be kind, and be the parent to YOUR children that you would wanted your parents to be. You will feel so much better if you make your own childrens lives happy.

Have these and take care of yourself.

They sound similar to my parents and I'm afraid that the only way I could deal with my feelings in the end was to have some counselling. Not a lot, because it was expensive, but it really helped me.

I still get the angry/guilty feelings towards them, but I'm not focusing on those feelings so much, iyswim.

The therapist talked to me about my childhood and it felt good to get it all out, even the stuff that I was afraid might be viewed as petty. Then we talked about the reasons my parents might have behaved in the ways they did. So basically trying to understand my parents. It helped, I now wonder a lot about what my mum's childhood was like and have started to gently question her about it. The answers do help to explain why she's the way she is with me.

Is there a reason it's troubling you now?

I dont think you are making a big deal over v little btw.
It is hugely destructive to constantly be found wanting compared to other esp other girls. I know because that is what i had. My parents didnt believe in praise but were quick to point out failings. It has taken 40 yrs to learn to love and accept myself with my rational mind and the emotional part still feels i am rubbish but i have perfected the art of ignoring that !
Have a look at the stately homes thread it will really help you.

I think this is where things can get interesting I suppose, because the replies vary between "they don't sound that bad" and "they were abusive" and in many ways this reflects the confusion in my own mind, as I can never work out if I grew up in a loving home where my parents sometimes made mistakes or if I actually grew up in a highly abusive home!

Yes, it does trouble me now. If it was as simple as 'oh well, childhood if over, time to move on!' then that saying 'give me a child before he is seven and i will show you the man.'

What most troubles me about my parents is that looking back I can see that slowly and surely they isolated us both - me and my brother that is - from 'normal' interactions. The clothes, making us stand out and eliciting bullying, Sunday School ditto (I know this was normal for some children in an earlier era but this was the 90s. Incidentally my parents didn't go to church themselves and weren't believers - well, my dad certainly wasn't; I think my mum was on the fence about it all.) They made it difficult for us to have and to keep friends. Didn't like us socialising outside the home at all really.

Sometimes I think - was it done on purpose?

Other times I think, surely not. These were my loving parents who surely didn't mean us harm.

It's hard.

Just accept they did their best for you, and that some of it, with hindsight, ended up not being the best thing for you, or what you would have chosen, but they loved you and tried,

Are you a parent yourself?

to be honest, this is probably what our own children will think of us in the future, and we just have to hope they understand that we loved them and did the best we could

I'm not sure User

I can't imagine yelling in a tiny child's face and punching the table in rage because they got their sums wrong ... just seems it was always volatile, looking back, someone was always about to explode.

So maybe they did do the best they could but also it has left me with scars.

They sound emotionally abusive - especially the lies, the comparing to other kids, and the punching cushions when you got stuff wrong

It was the table, not cushions. I can still remember the whole table shaking.

That sounds like an abusive and neglected childhood to me. So sorry you had to go through that. Resonates with me too.

Why don't you want counselling

Sounds pretty fucked up to me. Emotionally abusive at least.

Honestly? Because the people I know who went into counselling are very troubled individuals. I'm not sure it has any scientific basis. It seems to me it's based on talking, which I can do, but it's an expensive talk.

This sounds awful. I cant agree with Penguin that they don't sound that bad.

Have you tried getting any help to work through this?

Sounds awful to me, OP

Little kids are little kids. Shouting and being aggressive around them is completely unacceptable.

Your mum sounds strange.

I hope you can find some peace with it all

I don't think it's too bad either.

I can relate to most of that list!its pretty much exactly like my childhood except we had to go to church three times every Sunday . (I kid you not)

I'm guessing I'm older than you and in later years my parents have said they look back at their parenting and would do things differently.

You can add to my list I was smacked A LOT .

I know my parents feel terrible about this now.
Likewise we had bad clothes and stood out at school.

The one thing it took me a long time to get over was they never ever complimented us or told us we looked nice.they were not affectionate at all .

It all bothered me and my sister greatly when we had our own children. How could they not hug and squeeze us ?!

But gradually I let it go and had the most wonderful relationship with them both as the years went by.

The main thing is they really loved us and worked very hard to keep a roof over our head.

OP, some people are never destined to be 'good' parents. They are too consumed with themselves, their own beliefs, what they deem right and wrong and they cannot seperate the wants and needs of their children. They cannot fathom that these children have their own will, their own mind and need to make their own choices.

Your parents 1000% fall into that category. They did all of these things to you because they wanted to. The intention of that want will never be truly understood by anyone but themselves and you could go mad trying to overanalyse the unfairness and injustice of your childhood, but that will do you no good.

You have two choices, you can be angry forever or you can learn from their mistakes. One thing that your childhood did was make you who you are and you sound like you turned out absolutely brilliantly.

You know how that little girl and boy felt and it will teach you to respect and know the importance of the choices of your own children/nephews and nieces.

If your parents are devoid in other ways then you need to look closer at their actions and decide, do they bring anything positive to my life? If no cut back on contact and acknowledge they need to play a more minor part in your life. If not, tell them how you feel, tell them that they hurt you, try and get closure. But they may never accept that.

Read This be the verse by Phillip Larkin. It rings very true. Your mum and dad truly fuck you up, whether they mean to or not.

Be you, OP. Not the entity your parents created x