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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU year 4 Isle of Wight trip!

343 replies

Twistedpantsagain · 21/07/2017 21:26

I have a son currently 8 years old and he will be 9 just before this trip takes place in the Easter term of year 4.
It's always been the tradition at this school which is odd as no local schools do a residential 5 day trip until year 6 and even then our year 6 is far more local than the year 4.
Anyway, my son doesn't want to go.
He's a quietly confident boy, has lots of friends and socialises very well but has no desire to go on a holiday that requires him to be away from us and his sisters for 5 days.
We are happy for him to not go as very child led family and have explained he will need to go into another class to do his work or I will home educate him for that week if the school cannot offer provision but I'm dreading the meeting I'll need to have with the head regarding this.
Anyone done the same?

OP posts:
TrinityTaylor · 22/07/2017 16:56

Sorry but I cannot get past the phrase "child led family" 😂

Who thinks of this stuff??!!

Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 22/07/2017 17:07

No he just doesn't like the idea of staying away overnight.
It isn't as if he still co sleeps or anything ( he stopped that at age 2 as wriggled constantly so we tried him in his own room and bed and he's never returned!! ) but he likes the routine of bath, story and bed in his own house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 22/07/2017 17:07

Trinity, that's just rude

OP posts:
Hudson10 · 22/07/2017 17:08

What on earth is a "child led" family? Confused Hmm
He doesn't HAVE to go. There's a residential week at our primary school in year 4 and my ds didn't go either. No need for a meeting with the head, the ones who don't go just go and do their work in another class. No biggy.

Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 22/07/2017 17:08

Big,
I only say this as last year my friend had the same issue and she was offered by the headteacher to home educate rather than her daughter attend one of the other classes.
Maybe it would be hard for a different year group teacher and class to accommodate and that's why they suggested it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 22/07/2017 17:10

Hudson, the letter states if your child won't be going to please arrange a meeting with the head ASAP to discuss!
I wouldn't want to go in and see her if I didn't have to honestly!!
I guess the issue here is that he will be the ONLY child quite possibly not going. I've only ever heard of one child not going and that was last year and the mum was offered to home educate him instead for that week.

OP posts:
bigbluebus · 22/07/2017 17:19

I'm pretty sure that asking you to keep him off for a week (badged up as HE) would be classed as an illegal exclusion!

DelphiniumBlue · 22/07/2017 17:20

I would do nothing. If DS doesn't want to go, that's his prerogative. If the head wants a meeting with you, then he/ she can contact you in due course, but it will only be to press you to change your mind, so no reason for you push for it.
I don't understand how the head could have offered for a child to be home educated. If a child is on the school roll, then its not home educated. Maybe if you don't send him in to school, the absence will be authorised? Anyway, I wouldn't worry, if he doesn't have to go in to school that week it' s just an added bonus really, if the head approves it your DS can just have fun at home.

Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 22/07/2017 17:24

Sorry I didn't mean home educated in the sense of taking him off roll or anything, just that last year it was suggested my friend teach her daughter at home that week.
The reason being that it would be difficult as both year 4 teachers go on the trip and all the other pupils went.

OP posts:
TrinityTaylor · 22/07/2017 17:29

Oh op, please, get over yourself

Hudson10 · 22/07/2017 17:29

I would have to go and stay nearby and my husband would take parental leave for our other children or if that wasn't possible they would have to be home educated by me for that week.

Noooooooo don't do that!!! Shock OMG, can you imagine?! I'd have been absolutely mortified if my parents had stayed close by to the residential in a hotel "just in case" when I went on one in primary!
You'll end up looking completely crazy.
I get you, anxiety sucks as I suffer from it myself and was a nervous wreck when my eldest did an adventure week in the last year of primary. Abseiling off viaducts, potholing - I physically was in somersaults stomach wise and fretting the entire time until he was back.
As much as I didn't want him to go, I can't put my anxieties onto him. I made out like it was going to be great fun, he'd have a fab time and then just fell to pieces after he left. Grin
He'll be absolutely fine.

Hudson10 · 22/07/2017 17:32

Hudson, the letter states if your child won't be going to please arrange a meeting with the head ASAP to discuss!

OK,fair enough, didn't realise you had to go in with the Head. Just make an appointment to say he's not going though.
No big deal, they don't have to go.
Does he want to go? That's what important as it's coming across as you not wanting him to go and so whilst you're not actively saying he can't, are you sure he's not picking up on how you feel about it?
What's the relevance of not being able to get there after 11pm? You wouldn't anyway, surely.
The teachers are there to settle him/look after him.

PrettyLittleBrownEyedMe · 22/07/2017 17:45

The thing is that as a general principle it's 'good for him' to go, and 'good parenting' to encourage him towards that independence. It's an opportunity for all sorts of growth, excitement, bonding... the list is endless!

Obviously when push comes to shove at the time itself you don't force him to go if he sincerely doesn't want to. But at this stage in the proceedings I would definitely be brightly encouraging, assuming he will be going, booking the place and paying the deposit. You've then got months to work gently on all those crucial aspects like talking it through, explaining what will be happening, showing pictures, practising being at various things without the family etc. I think as a parent it's your duty to be leading him towards things like this.

If you think he is really going to be the only one not going, do you think he is genuinely more anxious and less likely to cope than ALL of them?

My children are grown up now, but I've never ever approached any school trip starting from the premise that I'd have to go and get them early from it!

Marinade · 22/07/2017 17:46

Sorry but I just cannot get over the smugness inherent within the statement: 'we are happy not to let him go as a child led family'. It just reeks of middle class idiocy! I

f you cannot see how ridiculous that phrase sounds then it makes total sense that you seem to be at odds with a lot of the responses on this thread! I really am not trying to be rude but I think you need to re-evaluate how this comes across. Most parents would agree that we give due consideration to our children without feeling the need to refer to ourselves in such a self satisfied manner.

Booboobooboo84 · 22/07/2017 18:20

I really think a sleepover is something he should do and become comfortable with. It's your prerogative if you send him on the trip he's your child.

But if there was an incident at home and he had to stay away from home at short notice he needs to be emotionally prepared for that.

I think it's an important lifeskill to have to be able to settle yourself somewhere new.

Mollieben · 22/07/2017 18:29

My child has just come back.drom a 5 day school trip to iow - he loved it. He is in year 6 so he is older though - year 4 is quite young but i would still be gently encouraging him to go. I think he will regret it if not

Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 22/07/2017 18:36

I'm not middle class so I'm not sure why that phrase has come across in that way!
Year 6 I'm totally fine with and would encourage far more as appropriate age, just 9 - I'm not so sure

OP posts:
user1495025590 · 22/07/2017 19:10

I just cannot get over the smugness inherent within the statement: 'we are happy not to let him go as a child led family'

me too like every other family ignores their child's feelings.

NotMyPenguin · 22/07/2017 19:18

Not sure why the phrase 'child-led' has stirred up such sanctimonious rage.

It's also interesting that those of you who are pooh-poohing it ("like every other family ignores their child's feelings", ha ha ha ha) are particularly keen to suggest that the OP is being ridiculous by listening to her child's wishes about not going!

GreenTulips · 22/07/2017 19:34

OP is being ridiculous by listening to her child's wishes about not going!

No she's just saying why she doesn't want him to go and why she doesn't want to arrange a HT meeting. People have suggested that he's picking up on it - or giving advise on seeing how things pan out/might change his mind etc

Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 22/07/2017 19:43

And I've repeatedly said he wouldn't be picking up my feelings as we haven't even discussed it with him prior to last night when he cried and said he didn't want to go, giving his reason as not wanting to spend time overnight somewhere without a parent.
Maybe " child led " has confused a few of you if not familiar with the phrase however it is interesting as the above said that the ones making it out to be ridiculous are the ones telling me to send a child somewhere he doesn't want to go!

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 22/07/2017 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrettyLittleBrownEyedMe · 22/07/2017 20:00

Of course you shouldn't 'send him where he doesn't want to go' - that would be brutal! But it's nearly a year away! Things may look very different by then, so I don't know why you would want to shut the door on it now, start talking already about a cosy week off school to be at home and let him spend all that time being the only one not going!

Much better, surely, not to be giving him the message that he's the only one unable to deal with it, but to talk through keeping options open and having plenty of time to make a final decision.

threedayrule · 22/07/2017 20:05

That sounds like a ridiculous school tbh if they are making you go for a meeting because your child doesn't want to attend a residential trip.

We have one trip per year here from year 2. They are all 1-2 nights and apart from the year 6 trip none are more than A couple of hours away. Some my kids have gone one and some they haven't. I've never had to have a meeting about why my child has not attended.

What if you simply can't afford it? 5 nights is also a very long time for a child who has never stayed away before. Surely a residential trip is optional? They can't force you to send your child.

bbcessex · 22/07/2017 20:05

My child wouldn't have wanted / been ready to go in Year 4. Isle of Wight is a Year 6 trip in schools around here... huge difference in maturity of child within those two years.

What the hell are the school thinking 😱?

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