AIBU year 4 Isle of Wight trip!

[Twistedpantsagain]

I have a son currently 8 years old and he will be 9 just before this trip takes place in the Easter term of year 4.
It's always been the tradition at this school which is odd as no local schools do a residential 5 day trip until year 6 and even then our year 6 is far more local than the year 4.
Anyway, my son doesn't want to go.
He's a quietly confident boy, has lots of friends and socialises very well but has no desire to go on a holiday that requires him to be away from us and his sisters for 5 days.
We are happy for him to not go as very child led family and have explained he will need to go into another class to do his work or I will home educate him for that week if the school cannot offer provision but I'm dreading the meeting I'll need to have with the head regarding this.
Anyone done the same?

"Some people don't understand anxious kids OP."

This ^^ 100 times. These are parents of children who have loads of friends, family nearby and whose children have had sleepovers at other people's houses.

A lot of children have friendship issues or family too far away or family unable for one reason or another to have them to stay. We fit into this scenario, hence DD never wanting to go on school trips until last year aged 16.

Although objecting on the grounds that a trip is on the Isle of Wight is a little too far, even for DD's issues. If she had been confident enough to go away it wouldn't have mattered where she went.

I really feel for you OP it's a long way. I worked for an activity company for years probably the one your ds has been invited to on the IOW.

I think if he hasn't ever had a night away from you both then over the summer you should arrange a sleepover see how he likes it.

If it helps with worrying in 9 years working for company most of it quite high up I rang one parent after 9pm once. And that's when we caught them smoking.

If it helps with accidents most that occur on the IOW will be bought to the mainland anyway if it is worse than butterfly stitches. Especially at night.

And while accidents happened they were extremely rare and usually due to existing illness rather than injury.

It's great to be child led but you've got to help them learn to push their boundaries a bit. It's good for them overall. So my advice don't panic about this until September. Try a sleepover locally he might love it he might hate it.

Is he your eldest child?

I don't think a child of this age is too young for a residential trip like this. I was away for a week with the brownies in the middle of nowhere when I was 7... with several repeated trips at 8 and 9.... on a week long school residential at about 10 that was a good 6-7 hours away, and I was quite a shy child... not what you would call confident at all. I still had a great time and the trips helped me grow in confidence and independence. I learned all kinds of skills and learned about how capable I was.

Fast forward a few years and as a brownie leader I remember taking kids away on a trip and there was one little girl who was lovely - very shy but a sweet child. Her mother though - OMG - when the child came away with us, the mother was hysterical and INSISTED that her DD wasn't ready, wouldn't cope and the child HAD to phone her mum every night etc...etc... In reality, the little girl was fine! The trip boosted her confidence no end and once she got chatting with the other kids and involved in activities, games etc... she wasn't remotely bothered about missing home. She really came out of her shell and it was wonderful. What was a nightmare though was when she had to call her mother every evening and her mother would be crying down the phone and winding the poor child up. We then had to deal with the fall out from that. The girl was absolutely fine otherwise and it became apparent that the girl almost felt an obligation to play the distressed child to please her mother - as soon as she was away from her mother, she was fine and having a great time. The fact was - the child WAS ready - it was the mother that wasn't ready to let her do anything. When we got back and reported to the girl's mother how well she'd done on the trip, her mother almost seemed gutted that her DD had coped fine and had a great time without her.

If your child really genuinely doesn't want to go then I suppose fair enough but I'd be looking at some gentle encouragement first and seeing if you could get him over the hurdle of not wanting to be away from you overnight. I do think you have taken comments on here with good grace. If I have one concern from reading your posts OP, it's that while it's reasonable to have a normal level of concern, be sure you aren't (even unintentionally) projecting your own anxieties onto your son and that he's not saying he doesn't want to go because he knows you won't want him to. Be sure that deep down he's not secretly desperate to go and have fun with his mates. If you keep telling him he's not ready - he will think he's not ready even if he is. Make sure it's HIM that isn't ready and not you. At some point everyone needs to get outside their comfort zone if they want to progress and thrive - that applies to adults and children alike. Perhaps think about how much his self-confidence and self-esteem would sky rocket if he went away, had a great time and found that actually, he could quite happily spend a few nights away from you. Most kids away on trips like this, even if a bit homesick at first, have a great time and, supported by the teachers/leaders, find that it's not as scary as they might have thought. This, in turn, opens up so many more opportunities for them for more exciting trips as they get older.

And as a side note it was never and I mean never the children under age 10 that got homesick. It was always 13+ that got horrendously homesick.

I live on mainland Europe. At the age of 8 my daughter travelled back to the UK with her best friend's family for a 5 day, completely no contact guiding event.

There were responsible adults there and a health and safety audit had been done.

I missed her like mad all week but she had a whale of a time and is just about to go again and will be there for her 11th birthday.

Sometimes allowing them to develop independence is the best thing a parent can do.

Sometimes

He isn't my first child, he has an older brother. Similar temperament but a 5 year age gap and we didn't live in the same area when he was this age.
He did go on his year 6 trip even though he was slightly hesitant, he wouldn't have missed it for the world!
Year 6 feels far more a natural transition period.
Honestly, I would never project my fears onto him and have pushed him to join after school actives without me there and so on even though he was unsure because I know he's very sporty and would do well at them and he's come on great.
I will speak to the headteacher though and see if there is anyway to delay the decision until nearer the time.

Have you thought of hiring a helicopter to get you to the Isle of Wight after 11pm? Certainly that's what is used in dire medical emergencies at the moment to get the patient to Southampton General.

Why don't you try some sleepovers with his friends and see how he and you cope?

I think if he doesn't want to go that's fair enough. But will he get upset/jealous about missing out?

I was skipped a year in school and wasn't allowed to go on the year 6 residential when i was year 6 but technically year 5. I repeated year 6 so had my chance then.

It was horrible being left behind. Then hearing all the kids talk about it for weeks. I really felt I missed out.

Honestly I would try a sleepover if it goes well sign him up on the understanding that when the day comes if he doesn't want to go that's fine.

The younger they are the better they get on. And the better they sleep after night 1!

What sort of signs of readiness to be away from you are you looking for? I can imagine that many children - even those who want to go on a trip - will be somewhat apprehensive the first few times, and thus need a little bit of encouraging. If parents took any sign of nervousness or hesitation as being 'not ready' and thus don't encourage it at all, not even sleepovers, then the child may never get to develop those skills. Some children might need a little pushing to break out of their comfort zone, and will never express on their own a desire to be away - even if they'd cope fine. That's different from a child who is really anxious, actively says they don't want to do things when given the opportunity and encouragement to try ,etc.

Also, some children who are anxious actually need someone else to make the decision, because it's too much for their anxiety to have to do it ,but they may actually be relieved and willing to try it once they know it's not their choice. they may cope better if they are just told that this is what is happening - again, it doesn't mean you ignore real anxiety or unwillingness, but you can judge that by the sort of reaction there is after they know a decision has been made.

Finally, a parent who is too concerned with a child's possible hesitations might inadvertently validate those fears, by making the child think that yes, there is something to be afraid of, if it's something that you have to be very 'ready' for, if it's something that mum is worried about, if she's taking little fears seriously and not brushing them off, then maybe they are actually quite serious things to be afraid of, if she's never encouraging the child to go away and being full of breezy reassurance that it'll be fine, all of those things can spiral into it being a much bigger deal. It doesn't mean the parent is deliberately projecting their fears onto the child, but it's a process of give and take, child gets a bit more afraid because of the parents' desires to not push them, then the parent feels more that the child can't cope and really is afraid, and then it keeps going on until it does become a real fear and a big deal.

Obviously children are different ,and it doesn't mean you should push a child into doing something they really don't want to. And listening to a child and understanding their signals is important. But it's also important to understand yourself and to consider whether you could be making the fears worse in some way, even through a very well-intentioned philosophy of being child-led.

DS didn't want to go on his residential, we supported that.

The school wrote to us and said it was compulsory. I replied and said, no it wasn't. Then the head tried to talk to me in the playground about it being the opportunity of a lifetime () and said if money was an issue, she would help me budget

Your reasons for going or not going are your reasons, and it's your decision.

Our head was quite bolshy about it, but I stood my ground as DS was adamant he didn't want to go (he would have been going on the trip with kids who had bullied him - and they banned mobile phones so he wouldn't have been able to contact us) on top of that, the teacher's couldn't have organised a piss up in a brewery, let alone a school trip

We took him out of school for the week and went on holiday

Twas lovely

No he doesn't have SEN but he hasn't stayed overnight anywhere before so I would have no bloody idea how he would be come nighttime.
So I can't tell you the changes of me needing to go

Ok, calm down. I'll explain myself better, you clearly didn't get my point.

When I asked about the chances of having to fetch him, I simply meant do you honestly think something will happen that you will require you to fetch him?

He may never have stayed away from home before but surely you know his personality enough to know if he would get to an inconsolable, hysterical state because the family are not near. The reality is, he will be having that much fun and that tired of a night, he won't be spending his days thinking of you all, all day and night, so he will be fine.

You've created a drama where there doesn't need to be any. You've asked him if he wants to go on the trip, he said no, I don't want to be away from you all, that's fine, he doesn't have to go.

As long as you have made it clear that you are ok for him to go if that's what he wants to do then there is no need for this fuss. He doesn't go, end of.

The whole not being able to reach him after midnight until 3am is your anxiety not his.

There will be meetings before the trip that will go through what will happen in emergencies, when parents will be contacted etc and the procedure.

If he's an anxious child then you need to support and dispel his fears, not feed them by not encouraging him to go.

My child did a cub camp for his first nights away from family. He was nervous, so was I, but I gently told him all the fun things he would be doing, he would have a great time and didn't project my worries on him. I also told him that he couldn't just leave mid camp so he had to be sure. He was, he went and he loved it.

Sometimes a child needs confirmation off their parent that it's ok to feel nervous, that it's ok to be away from family and it's ok to have fun away from the family.

I genuinely don't understand why it's so important to be able to get a young child at all hours of the day and night given that they are being looked after by a group of competent professionals.

You could spend longer getting somewhere if you git stuck on a traffic jam or there was a pile up on the motorway. What about the parents who don't drive,what do you think they do ?

**got

**in

Ffs,my phone!!!

doris.

a group of competent professionals

That's debatable TBH

even though he was unsure because I know he's very sporty and would do well at them

Couldn't he just go for fun? Does he feel he has to be 'good' at something for it to be worthwhile and he might not be 'good' at outdoor adventure stuff?

Just struck me as an odd thing to write!!

My kids do lots of things they aren't good at - singing and piano spring to mind

He does lots of things for fun of course! But generally those are as a family, so golfing, fishing, rock climbing all those sorts of thing.
The school only offer a few after school clubs that he wanted to go to and he would be good at but was unsure as didn't want to be away from me longer than the school day so we encouraged it and he now really enjoys them, plays the school matches and so on.
Don't analyse everything im saying to try and put a certain spin on it!

He actually is pretty amazing at all sports stuff so outdoor adventures are right up his street! If it were art for instance he probably wouldn't give it a go as really doesn't like it but knowing his nature he would love this, if it wasn't overnights!

The school only offer a few after school clubs that he wanted to go to and he would be good at but was unsure as didn't want to be away from me longer than the school day so we encouraged it and he now really enjoys them, plays the school matches and so on

So you were willing to encourage him out of his comfort zone for this, and it worked out well. Maybe you should try pushing him slightly out of his comfort zone for this? Several people have suggested arranging a sleepover , but you haven't said if you'd be willing to encourage him to do this.

Sorry if I haven't replied to that question, further up I did say that although he has had many of his friends stay over at our house when it's been offered to return and I've been very positive about it all and even though we are only a few streets from his best friend who offers lots the answer is always no!

That's tricky re the sleepover. Has he said why he doesn't want to stay over at his friends?

YANBU to allow your child not to go on the trip if he doesn't want to. However, YABU to say your will HE him that week. HE is an alternative to school education. Your child is regsistered with a school and if he chooses not to go on the trip then he still needs to attend school that week and school need to make alternative arrangements to accomodate him. Allowing him not to go in just because he doesn't fancy going into another class is giving him a choice that is not his to make. You are in danger of raising a child who thinks he never has to do things he doesn't want to do. That is not how real life works.