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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU year 4 Isle of Wight trip!

343 replies

Twistedpantsagain · 21/07/2017 21:26

I have a son currently 8 years old and he will be 9 just before this trip takes place in the Easter term of year 4.
It's always been the tradition at this school which is odd as no local schools do a residential 5 day trip until year 6 and even then our year 6 is far more local than the year 4.
Anyway, my son doesn't want to go.
He's a quietly confident boy, has lots of friends and socialises very well but has no desire to go on a holiday that requires him to be away from us and his sisters for 5 days.
We are happy for him to not go as very child led family and have explained he will need to go into another class to do his work or I will home educate him for that week if the school cannot offer provision but I'm dreading the meeting I'll need to have with the head regarding this.
Anyone done the same?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 22/07/2017 10:35

Edsheeran,
The probably is due to the location
It would be great if he wanted to go and was eager and looking forward to it but it would be in the back of my mind that if that suddenly changed it would be very difficult for me to get back to him so that's what I meant by that.
I'm not sure why you think it's not surprising, we hadn't even mentioned it until he come home yesterday talking about it!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 22/07/2017 10:37

I have never heard of parents going and staying near to residential trips unless there are very special circumstances. Is it a thing?

Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 22/07/2017 10:38

It's happened quite a bit over recent years at our school due to it being in the Isle of Wight and the ferries do not run overnight!

OP posts:
Edsheeranalbumparty · 22/07/2017 10:41

It would be great if he wanted to go and was eager and looking forward to it but it would be in the back of my mind that if that suddenly changed it would be very difficult for me to get back to him so that's what I meant by that.

But if it did change whilst on the trip that wouldn't mean you would have to go and pick him up? Children often have sudden bursts of homesickness on these trips, which often actually take them by surprise as well, but we just deal with it and reassure them in various ways and it's always fine and they have a great time.

I guess it's moot anyway as your son doesn't want to go, but I do think you might be underestimating the value of this sort of trip.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/07/2017 10:43

I have never heard of parents going and staying near to residential trips unless there are very special circumstances. Is it a thing?

No not me, ever.

beachygirl · 22/07/2017 10:43

Here you go
www.wightlink.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/timetable-portsmouth-to-fishbourne.pdf
The gap is midnight to 3.00.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/07/2017 10:43

*Nor me

Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 22/07/2017 10:44

I don't think I am underestimating it or I wouldn't be concerned.
I just don't feel like pushing him into something is the right thing to do either.
I cannot tell him I will collect him if he becomes upset as i wouldn't be able to.

OP posts:
JiggyTuff · 22/07/2017 10:46

Please, please do not go and stay nearby. Either allow your son to go on the trip or don't but telling him you'll swoop in if he gets a bit homesick is awful for him, the other children on the trip and the teachers who are running it.

Teachers absolutely hate parents like you.

ILoveToLaugh · 22/07/2017 10:50

Sorry, cross post with Beachy.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/07/2017 10:53

Don't be that parent who stays nearby Shock, imagine the other kids finding out!!

MrsPorth · 22/07/2017 11:09

I happen to disagree with the OP but I think that she's weathered the pisstaking and occasional unpleasantness rather well on this thread.

Edsheeranalbumparty · 22/07/2017 11:11

I cannot tell him I will collect him if he becomes upset as i wouldn't be able to.

Well no you can't - which is why you should never tell him this in the first place Shock

If your son is ever going to go on a residential trip he needs to know that the people he is going with (both the adults and his friends) are capable of looking after him and will be there to help him if he is in trouble of any sort. By telling him that you will swoop in and pick him up if he gets homesick you are telling him that the people he is going with aren't all that trustworthy. So of course he won't want to go. And i know you said that he only found out about the trip yesterday but it does sound like he has been raised in an environment where anyone outside of immediate family isn't really to be trusted to take care of him.

budgiegirl · 22/07/2017 11:12

OP, I'm sorry if I've missed something, but do you know why your DS doesn't want to go? Is he worried about being away from you overnight? Could you arrange for him to have a sleepover at a friends to see how that goes?

At the moment this all seems to be about you not being able to get to him in a hurry. We are hearing all about your concerns, what are his?

Starlight2345 · 22/07/2017 11:15

If you posted my year 4 does not want to go on a residential..I would be a simple well don't send them.

My reason for been on the fence here is you seem to have an awful anxiety about it and therefore as you have known about this for years wonder what you have projected to your DS.

My DS was away at cub camps at that age.I made it clear when he went on his first overnight as a beaver.If he went then I would not be able to get him in the night.

Has he ever had a sleepover..Could you invite someone over so he does see what fun they are ( for the kids not esp the parents)

My DS first 2 night camp he fell out with his friend /cried wanted to come home. I missed the phonecall, by the time I realised he had calmed down and was playing again..I am so glad I missed the call.It helped him grow.

The meeting with the head may answer some of your worries.

Theresnonamesleft · 22/07/2017 11:28

My dc's loved going IOW in year 4. Youngest had a wobble that he didn't want to go. Like you I had a chance to meet with the head to discuss the issues.
I went along and we discussed the reasons. If it was financial they would help. Dc could talk to older ones that had been to get their experiences. If I paid and he didn't want to go I would get most of the cash back.

So the plan was I would pay in instalments which were agreed at the meeting. They would set something up with the current year 4's who were unsure and the children from older years who were in the same predicament.

He went on the trip and came back happy that he did. Said he would have been gutted if he missed it as they had loads of fun. And it's something they still talk about a few years later. Just like my older ones still talk about it and they are late teens/early twenties.

BhajiAllTheWay · 22/07/2017 12:02

Are all his friends going? Would he feel left out with them all planning it and talking about it when they come home?

Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 22/07/2017 12:13

Thankyou to the kind poster who said I was handling the criticism well, I'm not sure if I am as I'm quite hurt by a few comments but I do welcome all points of view or I wouldn't have posted on a place like this.
Just to make it clear, I would never have told him I was staying nearby!
I would have quietly told the teacher and would have only expected to be called if he was completely inconsolable or very unwell / very hurt after an accident etc.
He has had a few school friends to stay over and he loves that, but whilst he knows their parents pretty well and will stay at parties and so on very happily he just has no desire to stay anywhere but with us overnight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twistedpantsagain · 22/07/2017 12:17

So his one and only worry, is that he wouldn't have us overnight.
He would absolutely love all the stuff in the day in quite sure but really doesn't want to stay overnight.
I don't think we have made him feel like this, as I said we don't have family that have the kids overnight due to distance but have always offered him to join beavers, he never wanted to, go to friends to sleep. He never wanted to. Without massively forcing him into it, it couldn't have happened!

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 22/07/2017 12:20

Some people don't understand anxious kids OP.

I think you need to handle meeting with HT firmly - DS is not ready to go and so will remain in school.

Fwiw my ds went on his year 6 residential. He has asd and finds things like that really difficult. I told school I had a plan B and if he couldn't manage or they found him too much evenings/overnight he'd be collected and dropped off daily.
They kept him there despite one evening of crying for 3 hours and one of running off and hiding. They had a blanket rule of no parental contact.

They really did work in what they thought was the best interests of him. They really believed he should be held to same rules as others re home contact in the best interests of everyone. They also couldn't have had an easy ride dealing with it but didn't take the easy option.

However 2.5 years later ds has NEVER spent a night away from me again and still refuses to even discuss it because he isn't reassured he can come home if he feels that overwhelming need to.

Not every single child fits into a box and can deal with blanket policies. There is absolutely every reason to allow your child to lead the decision and allow him to make that choice as sending them doesn't always make it easier in future

colacolaaddict · 22/07/2017 12:23

If you don't want to send him, don't. I doubt he'll be the only one. However I would try to some sort of thing yourselves along similar lines - send him to stay with a relative or take him camping, or do at least an outward bound day camp over easter.

I have a child with bedwetting issues and I have no clue how we are going to manage a whole week on the IOW - I can't send 6 sleeping bags or afford 6 liners, or pop over with replacements midweek! I'm assuming there will be a solution and she will go, but if not she won't. I do understand where you're coming from but I think it's vanishingly unlikely you'd be called to swoop in and collect your DS at night even if he were on the mainland. If that is your main wobble, power through. If it is a more general thing that you think he'll be unhappy, consider not sending him. Personally we pay the money and are prepared to pull them out and lose it if need be. No harm in at least having the conversation with the head if you're worried, and ultimately it is your decision however it's presented at school.

budgiegirl · 22/07/2017 12:34

So his one and only worry, is that he wouldn't have us overnight

Ok, so if he's not ready, then I'd say YANBU. However, I do think I would try to encourage him to go to a sleepover, he might love it! Rather than just saying he's not ready, he won't know if he doesn't try.

My DD hated staying away from us at your DSs age, sleepovers often resulted in a 1.30am phone call ! However, I did push her to go on her Y5 residential when she was 9, and she loved it. I think the fact that she knew the teachers were not going to be calling me in the middle of the night made her get on with it.

CrowyMcCrowFace · 22/07/2017 12:52

Oh gosh no, not the 'staying nearby' parent! Sorry OP, I agree you've taken differing views on board with good grace & humour, but honestly, unless there's a specific need it's just undermining.

My personal favourite of helicoptering taken to ludicrous extremes was on my dd's year 5 residential. One of the parents had a connection with the hotel. They arranged for one of the hotel staff to covertly photograph & video the group having breakfast, assembling to go out for the day, enjoying a quiz in the evening etc etc.

All the images & clips were posted on a parents' whatsapp group. Cue parents requesting shots of specific kids ('can you tell him to look out for ds, he's a tall boy with red hair... ', grumbling that ' well I don't think Mrs Thing needed to snap at those girls like that, they were only chatting! ' &, hilariously, ' my dd had her hand up first! This quiz is obviously rigged! '

As soon as a couple of us who are parents but also teach at the school were added to the group, we blew the whistle. BIG hoo-ha.

Now, I'm not suggesting for a minute OP that you're this kind of nuts just for being a bit anxious, but you can probably see why teachers occasionally get defensive in the general direction of hovering parents...

I think you should follow a PPs suggestion : meet the HT, explain that ds isn't keen but you want to keep the option open, & quietly pay the deposit. But if you know it's just going to be a 'nope', quick email saying he won't be going is fine. It's not compulsory.

GreenTulips · 22/07/2017 12:55

I've seen parent snook nearby and peek through the bushes!!

Our school used to do a local residential and had to change because parents kept 'passing by' and 'dropping in'

One child had a birthday while away and que parents bringing balloons cake party bags etc - soooo unnessary!! (By all means send a cake and some candles - but OTT!!