To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

[raininginjuly]

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

What does he say when you ask him about shopping elsewhere? Is he insistent?

I have had some terrible arguments with dh about money but it does get resolved. Has anyone else noticed his money habits before? Like family?

Also quite want to know what earns you £500 a month whilst you are at home ? That sounds like a good income.

All in all if you are unhappy you need to talk and if he's not listening to you it's either

He's being dismissive as he thinks it's not that important and you need to go to marriage counselling,so he can hear you

Or

He's abusive and you need to speak to women's aid or your local refuge.

You have given so little information it's hard to judge, but that is the fault of other posters I have to say

Not unsympathetic.Nearly ex OH and I were often adrift on spending,he would skimp where I felt longer lasting quality was best.The biggest realisation was when we left I took dd to choose a new matresses,she hadn't realised she said that they could be so comfy.I bought for quality and longer lasting there as OH would not do.Didnt feel the need to have expensive IT stuff though for us.Simple furniture and a comfy sofa not his grand mother's hiddious stuff that he wouldn't let me waste money on replacing as they had(unfortunately)still got lots of life in them.

its abus op

i dont work but hav access to dh wages in a joint account-i can spend what i want when i want-within budget of course

you shouldnt hav to walk on eggshells everytime you buy somthing-leave him you'll get cm and your own money in ctc you'll be bettr off mentally

Did OP say she was being financially abused or was it her husband was a penny pincher? OP as you know you would not get tax credits on a salary of £80,000. My household income is £33,000 and I have child care costs and I don't get any tax credits. It must be annoying if you are financially ok but your husband wants to count every penny.

There's nothing wrong with couples agreeing a budget. But that's what it has to be: an agreement. Not one partner telling the other off for venturing into a non-budget supermarket. It would piss me right off if DH did that.

It seems like suggesting someone (who is complaining about not being able to spend much money) to get a job is a big offence!!
We don't know all the details, we are trying to help... If getting a job is not an option fair enough, but no one was nasty towards OP, OP got really defensive whenever someone suggested her to get a job, which is really odd really or is this what your DH thinks too???
A lot of people work and manage house, kids etc, it's not a big deal and no need to get so offended!! If anyone was rude was OP, who cannot accept any answer!

I did nights when my DC were little enough to be at pre school. I did nights a lot of years actually. When I married my ExH, so I could be there for his DD, aged 9, when both her parents were at work, then when I had my first DD. I would work a night shift, then sleep when she did.

Then, when I had my two younger DC, I worked nights once DS started pre-school and would sleep when he was out. I had a friend bring him home, which helped, but I would have cope even if she didn't.

I remember having both my younger DC home in the holidays, I would snooze on the sofa while they played.

You know, you do what you have to when they are little.

Oh no, sorry, just read he earns £80,000.

You need to work out what he would have to pay you in maintenance if you left him and show him that!!

it would be around 16k mamma

op tell him that see how he feels if he had to hand that over

I have done a complete 180 degrees on this thread.

At the start I was with the posters who were exploring the possibility of you getting a job.

However the more I read the more I sympathise with your position. What I don't really get is how much he actually controls the finances. You pay in to the joint account so do you also have equal access to it? Does he actually control your access to money or does he just moan about you spending it? Would it be so impossible to have it out with him and make it quite clear you make an equal contribution to the family so expect an equal say in the finances.

Having to justify every penny you spend is financially abusive. It doesn't sound like you are on the breadline or that your finances are worked out to the penny to avoid unauthorised overdraft fees for example.
I think you need to have a serious talk. Tightness is one of the things that would be a relationship killer for me. I have no problem with being sensible about money, I shop at Aldi and love a bargain. I have no issues with second hand stuff.
If he's that miserable doing stuff with you and the dc I'd tell him it's fine we will save 25% because you can stay at home you tight fisted git.
In fact I'd tell him how much he will end up spending each month when you divorce him.

What I take from the OP is that on paper both she and her H contribute to and have access to joint money. But he quibbles over pennies - seriously, a few bits from a convenient Morrisons v going out of her way to pick up same from Aldi. So he is vetoing the most minor decisions and making her feel disempowered. If she has to face the face over milk and bread, I'd call that financially controlling alright

The poor OP... some very mean posts here.

OP: Maybe you can have a chat and tell DH that his penny pinching is making you unhappy and threatening the ability of the family to function well in the way you've both want with you as SAHP.

I assume he likes to save it? My friend's DH is the same and he's a very high earning lawyer. Largely she ignored the grumbling and told him not to be ridiculous.

I know lots of parents who would love one of them not to have to work when their children are little. Hope you can make him see sense.

Omg I can't believe how horrid some of the posts are. Hope you ok op. I'm not sure what to suggest though

It's not as simple as that,Sheldons, I have tried to work before but the cost of childcare combined with the horrendous stress of managing two parents working full time with absolutely no help from anybody else whatsoever nearly killed all of us.

Then perhaps take a less dim view when the person bringing the money in, wants to (perhaps sensiblu) reign in the rate at which it flows out again.

Une have you read all ops posts.

She does bring money in! Tried to work got no support from this fool.

Controls all money even ops earnings.

This ain't a simple ooh let's switch to Aldi.
It's control.

And since when is it OK for one person to lay the rules in the house.

If ops post was about her making up rules about the kids and telling her dh to do as he is told with the dc, she would be flamed to fuck by all the people saying this bullshit is OK.

Honestly can't believe how many of you think that the only way to have a say in how family money is spent is to earn it. The op is not sitting at home twiddling her thumbs, she's raising her husband's children.

I wonder if any of your partners had to give up work due to illness then you'd make them run every little purchase through you, after all it's all YOUR hard earned money, if so then you're awful tbh.

Rain my husband is very cautious with money.

Over the years he has softened up, and seeing the mess some friends have got into has actually made me see things more from his side.

For example he will try and have a long car journey or day out, eat a big breakfast and then go through til teatime with chewy bars etc from his ruck sake instead of lunch. Fine for him but our kids (6 and 12) will not eat a big breakfast and will need lunch!

The kids are super picky eaters and we may stop and buy lunch and they don't eat it all but I know they do still need a proper lunch break!

Recently, we stopped on a journey and he said he didn't want anything. Both kids chose some food and a drink, as did I. DH and I shared a coffee and he ended up eating our son's crusts! I let him be as mean as he likes with himself, but stick up for myself and the kids!

I've learnt (we've been married over 15 years) to push for things I want that he doesn't see as important (meals out with friends etc) and I allow him to chose not to do those things. EG we go out for a meal for my birthday but I cook for him on his birthday (his choice). i work part time but his salary is the main lion's share of our income.

Yes, his penny pinching can be fucking annoying but it has eased up over the years and for me it has never strayed into financial control.

OP only you know how bad this is and how much it affects your marriage.

Maybe your dh needs to know that is a massive sexual and emotional turn off to have a grown man nit-picking about relatively small amounts of money!

In your shoes, I would have a chat to him about budgeting, do a budget that allows money for this or that in the budget.

The money he brings in, is for the whole family, not just him. He needs to know this.

If you want to leave him, you can, but you won't have more disposable income if his salary needs to fund two homes. So if this is the only issue, better to sort it out if you can.

If you have totally fallen out of love with him and want to divorce, then that is your choice.

Assuming that this is just penny pinching and not actual control of finances to control or hurt you, I'd suggest counselling. If he is only slightly controlling financially, then I do think counseling could help.

The other thing is to work out what his experiences have been and if they have caused him to be like this and if he can change. EG was his dad or mum financially controlling, was his childhood riddled with debt and problems etc. These do not excuse his actions but may enable him to get help.

My friend and her dh have got into crippling debt, it has affected the whole family. They have just made bad decisions always about work and money. I can well imagine at least one of their kids could have financial issues because of this.

OP, this is abuse. The big thing here is the assumption on his part that what he brings in is his and what you bring in is his to control.

As with all other types of abuse, you are feeling the emotional and psychological effects of it.

The biggest effect is that you feel you have no options either short term (you can't go against his edicts about where you should shop) or long term (you can't make plans to work since he will not compromise his hours at all to allow you to develop a career or hold a job, and he will not contribute to child care, so you are stuck).

Please contact Women's Aid. 0808 2000 247. Leave a message if you don't get a person on the line immediately.

You are not an equal in this relationship. He has turned it into a hierarchy with him at the top and you treated like an exploited housekeeper/childcare worker.

This is not about budgeting. It is not about money at all.

I suspect it is about the H finding a handy way to play the role of master of all he surveys. He would find some other way of grinding the OP down if he wasn't doing it financially.

The other possibility is that this is a case of anxiety run amok on the part of the H, and if so then he needs to seek urgent help from a therapist, because he risks losing his wife and children over this. OP, do you feel you could sit down with him and have a conversation where you would challenge him with this?

If not, what holds you back?

A few other questions:
Your money from your business goes into one account - how is tax assessed on your business?
Is this one account a joint account and if so are both your names on this account? Do you both have access to online banking associated with this account?
Do you or your H have a credit card? Whose name is on the CC account if any?
Is there a savings account or any brokerage accounts, or any assets like flats that are rented out?
Who handles mortgage, car payments, car maintenance/repairs, insurance (home and car and life insurance, private health insurance if any) - including research and pricing of these financial products, deciding where to go on holiday, decisions on private or state school for children, activities for children, your clothing and footwear and health/dental access?

I would like to add, I'm aghast at many of the posts on this thread and agree with all those who have pointed out that there are some very nasty and ignorant comments here.

My ex husband was like this. Moaned about every penny I spent. Even about food , clothes for the children. God forbid we would have a day out, he would whinge incessantly about the cost. Christmas was always stressful, trying to give the kids a nice day. We were not rich but we were doing ok. In the end I could hardly function because of the constant questions about money. I was unable to work because he had sapped all my confidence. We separated last year. It is the best thing that I have ever done. I work in a great job where people respect me and my decision making. I am just about to receive a significant promotion. My children are happy and I manage to save for the things we need. We can all relax at home because he is not storming around complaining about the mess (just normal family life) etc we have spent today lying around in our pj. I am financially worse off but miles ahead in all other ways.

Well done Pippalotta.

The aim of a man like this is to keep you constantly on the back foot, wondering if indeed you really are bad with money or stupid or immature or not as sensible as you should be - so you spend a lot of time second guessing yourself, and your confidence in your ability to make a plan or a decision drains away, from the decision on what laundry detergent to buy, and where, to you turning to jelly when facing the decision to leave and fend for yourself.

It is soul destroying and it is intended to be.