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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so so sick of financially controlling DH

367 replies

raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 20:55

I know I'm not being unreasonable but it does get me down.

I was in a part of town today and I said it was near a large supermarket and I could nip in and get some bits we needed. Cue moaning from him about it being a waste of money and can't I go to Aldi (which isn't that much cheaper.)

It's SO annoying. He's always been a penny pincher but has got so much worse over the years. I really worry about the kids being bullied because of him refusing to buy them decent stuff (luckily I do stand up to him on this.)

It sometimes feels as if we can have no fun as even if we do manage to do something nice it's like you can constantly feel him breathing down your neck.

I just don't know how to handle it or him. My own parents were the same! We have no money issues by the way - he's just stingy.

OP posts:
Newdad19 · 21/07/2017 23:27

The fact you actuslly even think working id more stressful or a greater responsibility than being a SAHP sums the whole thing up.

My wife is a SAHP atm for our 2 kids. I work full time in a high pressure job but dont for a minute think she has any easier ride than me, and in fact probably has it worse.

limon · 21/07/2017 23:27

Grateful' for being a sahp?

We are gertting off topic here but yes dh tells me he is grateful that he has had the opportunity to be at home with dd in her early years. That is not laughable at all! If people find it so shit i guess they can always swap?

FantaIsFine · 21/07/2017 23:29

I feel for you OP. A good friend of mine has her finances dictated by a "D"H and it's unpleasant - and unwarranted. I see it absolutely as abuse as you describe even if you have the knowledge of what is in your accounts (can anyone help, if one is given ZERO visibility to family finances, where can you start with how to obtain if not from OH? Serious question).

Get A Job is not a helpful input in these circs everyone. I hope you are okay OP.

friendlysnakehere · 21/07/2017 23:29

Yes it is laughable and you clearly don't appreciate how hard it can be.
It went off topic when posters like you tried to turn it into an anti sahm thread.

Horrible thread.

Newdad19 · 21/07/2017 23:30

Decided not to waste any more energy on your ridiculous posts limon.

Lets hope one day you dont find yourself in OPs position and looking for advice to have the likes of you given them a kick whilst their down

Original poster
raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 23:31

Thanks, those who have been supportive.

Limon being at home all the time can be lonely and depressing, just as being at work can be stressful and distressing. When I was having problems with work being arsey it really upset me. I found I couldn't stop thinking about it and worrying about it even when I wasn't there. So I do know being at work isn't 'easy.'

But the thread isn't about who has it hard and who has it easy, who is stressed and who is not stressed.

Two full time nursery placements would cost about £1600. I would be earning around £1700 p/m after tax etc. Once fuel is factored in, it would actually cost money to work.

OP posts:
Gettingonwithit1 · 21/07/2017 23:32

Newdad, if only all 'family breadwinners' realised the division of responsibility was equal, and not based on financial reward, we could all feel our contribution was equally well regarded!

BrazillaBells · 21/07/2017 23:32

raininginjuly You have ignored me again, please tell me how I have been nasty to you?

limon · 21/07/2017 23:33

Listen i am not anti sahp. Not at all. We have a sahp in our family. I clumsily illistrated my point by disclosing my own circumstances to show i am not anti sahp.

I was simply trying to say that I dont see abuse here. If op had no access fo money.that would be a different matter.

Of course.employmemt status doesnt mean one partner can dictate on family finances. It takes two people to work together.

Katmeifyoucan · 21/07/2017 23:35

Sometime I think posters on Mumsnet are living on a different planet.

When you post thread like this you get a two pronged attack.

The tight people who agree with your husband.

The mothers who work so think every other mother should work even when it is for nothing.

I work but I get it. Why work when your are not increasing the family income? It does not make sense if you are not on a career path.

Tightness is the single most unattractive trait in a person. Mean with money, mean with heart.

HicDraconis · 21/07/2017 23:35

This is all kinds of wrong, OP.

I am the sole earner and DH is the stay at home parent. He also runs a small business part time from home. All money goes into our family account but the crucial difference here is I don't control it any more than he does. If he's going past a shop he won't ask if it's ok to pop in and pick something up, he'll just get it. If he needs clothes, or the boys do, or if he feels like getting a coffee & muffins with them after school, he'll just go - and message me pics of happy boys smeared in chocolate and crumbs. In my mind this is how partnerships are supposed to work.

What would happen if you stopped asking for permission to spend money and just spent it? Have you got into a pattern of asking stemming from becoming the SAHP and therefore he has fallen into the pattern of behaving like he has the right to say no? Can you change the patterns so you are more equal again?

Buffalos222 · 21/07/2017 23:36

If there is financial abuse the op would be in the same position of being controlled and abused even if she was the sole earner earning mega bucks.

Those posters who think earning your own money protects you from this are naïve. Anyone could potentially be in this position. That's why it's called financial abuse. It can happen in any financial circumstances.

Gettingonwithit1 · 21/07/2017 23:37

"I was simply trying to say that I dont see abuse here. If op had no access fo money.that would be a different matter."

If both adults have equall right to scrutinise each others spending decisions, theres ni worries. When one has to justifying excuse or apologise, there is a problem!

Original poster
raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 23:38

BrazillaBells - today at 22:23

why are you avoiding posters who are asking you for other examples? Suggesting shopping in a cheaper supermarket is not abuse. I fucking hate how that word is casually thrown around on mn

The above is nasty because
a) it insinuates I was deliberately avoiding posters, when in fact I was desperately trying to justify myself
b) it infers that the only issue is a dh kindly suggesting that I shop at Aldi. This clearly isn't the case
c) it accuses me of flinging the word abuse around, swears at me and makes a Angry face.

BrazillaBells at 22:57

Do you really need to ask for permission ... seems to me dh is careful with money not controlling

You don't believe me. Ok.

You go on to say at 23:15 that this thread is MN hysteria at its finest

OP posts:
Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 21/07/2017 23:38

I'm lost on this.You have joint account ant put £500 a month in from your business.
If it is a joint account do you have a debit card for it or is it that you do but he asks you to justify spends?
You don't say how old your children are but you do say he didn't used to be like this,has this changed since the children arrived.
Do you actually have a budget?Maybe he feels that spending is in freefall(some often underestimate costs related to children).
Make a list or track what you spend on how much you spend on groups is stuff like children's clothes,equipment,groceries etc.When you have approximately amounts use them to show him how a week/month you need to spend.
Without more info no stranger can say whether he's controlling or has genuine concerns.I pick and choose from different shops,love Aldi for some things and love it for just popping in quickly but have to use other shops to get everything we need and when we need it(fresh veg from fruit/vegshop)
.Whatever you do you need a budget so that you both have a firm Idea of what your family needs and whether you can afford it.

Ladybirdbookworm · 21/07/2017 23:39

Newdad I think you put that absolutely perfect and really rather lovely

honeysucklejasmine · 21/07/2017 23:39

Bloody hell, some nasty people out tonight.

I'm a SAHP too. I do not justify my spending to my DH and he doesn't question it. He jokes sometimes that I spend all our money but acknowledges that's because he's a work all the time and rarely needs to spend anything, as I have paid the bills, done the food shop, got DD some new shoes etc in the week.

If I had to ask him before getting her some leggings or popping to shops because we need more milk, I would be seriously unimpressed.

There's a difference between having free access to a joint account and being so worn down by the constant questioning of each transaction that you dare not use the bloody thing even if you do have a card.

Dumdedumdum · 21/07/2017 23:40

What would happen if you stopped asking for permission to spend money and just spent it?
I'd like to know this too.

Original poster
raininginjuly · 21/07/2017 23:40

The other thing is, there is quite a bit going on but when you've been attacked like this you don't feel like going into it, as then you get DRIP FEEDING from people when it's not.

But when you post, in a fluster sometimes, it's the most immediate thing you think of. In this instance it was Aldi.

Look, I will have a think and maybe post again in a few days. Thanks. Sorry.

OP posts:
Gettingonwithit1 · 21/07/2017 23:40

Buffalo you are so right! My friend was the highest earner by at least 30% but her DH still controlled the finances!

MsLexicon · 21/07/2017 23:41

For years I put up with that. I wasn't even allowed more than one pair of shoes at a time. I worked for him , he kept the money.

He ended up violent and abusive....
I am free now and it is beautiful.

MsPavlichenko · 21/07/2017 23:42

I am not telling you to go out to work. Just to be clear.

You are working at home, looking after your Dc, and other domestic stuff too I expect. That in itself is a huge financial contribution. Regardless of what other monies you are bringing into the household. You have identified nursery costs, travel already.

My point is that these costs(and other domestic costs) are joint costs, and should be calculated as part of the joint income. You are effectively subsidising your DH, he couldn't work without you providing full time childcare never mind other domestic stuff. I am not saying you should therefore go back to work (unless you want to). I am saying that this is how you factor financial decisions, and this is why the monies belong to the household, regardless. And that in no circumstances should you be having to justify your expenditure re the family, and how and when you do it. He is being controlling at best.

BrazillaBells · 21/07/2017 23:44

The above is nasty because
a) it insinuates I was deliberately avoiding posters, when in fact I was desperately trying to justify myself
You were initially only responding to those who were telling you to get a job
b) it infers that the only issue is a dh kindly suggesting that I shop at Aldi. This clearly isn't the case
It was at the start, you drip-fed
c) it accuses me of flinging the word abuse around, swears at me and makes a angry face.
I didn't acuse you of that, it was aimed at those posters who had used it

BrazillaBells at 22:57

Do you really need to ask for permission ... seems to me dh is careful with money not controlling

You don't believe me. Ok.
questioning isn't being nasty
You go on to say at 23:15 that this thread is MN hysteria at its finest
You have confidently left out the part where I quote another posters post. You know this wasn't aimed at you directly

xxproudmummyxx · 21/07/2017 23:46

You have 3 options:
1 - get a job
2 - get a divorce
3 - accept that your DH is the way he is and he is not going to change and he will always be financially controlling - you mentioned he was always like this, yet you chose to marry him and have kids, your choice really...(bet he sees the money as his and not yours)

PrincessFiorimonde · 21/07/2017 23:47

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread.

OP, hope all goes well for you and the kids.

Or should I reserve my concern for the man who earns £80k a year but worries about his wife spending the odd 20p extra on 4 litres of milk? Even though she very likely is largely bringing up their kids - and also perhaps cooks for him, does his laundry, keeps the house clean, etc., etc.?

(I speak as one who generally shops in Asda, btw, so I'm not putting a terrible strain on my poor DP's finances.)