Do not read if you're a stepmum hater, you'll hate me even more ....

[betteroffwithouthim]

We usually have OH's children EOW and two days in the week. This is a long term arrangement that works relatively well.

Their mother works approx. 12 hours per week and is essentially a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim. She is “exhausted” and has asked us to have the kids extra in the school holidays so she can have a rest! WTAF, both me and OH work long full time hours. Both children are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours whilst she works. They will be bored stupid at ours but we’ve had far too many rows for me to argue anymore. OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that.

Anyway, we have them for 7 nights out of the next 8, with them supposed to be going back to their mother for one evening. She has “misunderstood” and has made plans for that night, meaning we have them for 8 nights. We hadn’t made plans, we were just going to enjoy not having the children around for one night.

OH is a spineless wanker at times and won’t go back to her and argue the point. I want to shout and scream but instead I’ll post on here.

I know i'll get flamed to death but need to air this here rather than in real life when it'll end up in a horrible row.

I really hope this is fake. 🤔😔

I spend a lot of time looking after mine when they aren't there ; washing and ironing, cleaning, shopping....
In fact I'm starting to think teenagers take up more time than toddlers!

You cow OP.
Get a grip.

I think this is the most horrible thread ( threads) I have ever followed betteroffwithouthim. You really are not an adult maybe and adult baby. I am shocked at your self centred ness and disregard for your partners kids. A bond you will never break and you are trying so hard. You are making him and his kids miserable. You are cruel. Leave before you ruin everything for them forever. Go REALLY GROW UP and if you get to be a real adult then try again.

@grannytomine - I responded to your post with an additional fact that makes XW situation sound even more exhausting to me.
As a PP has also pointed out, looking after DC does not stop when they are physically out of the house either.

Not sure why you think the amount of time spent with each parent is the only fact to concentrate on in OPs story... but this is not an argument with you, in my mind, just different pov that we can both freely express.

I don't work and my ex works full time. Our son is staying with him for a month this summer, and has done every summer for many years. It's not about my 'wants' or 'need' for a break (I miss ds like mad and can't wait for him to get home!) but his dad actually fought to have him for that time. I'd hate for him to be in a position with a step mum like you who thought ds was a burden and I was just lazy :( If you're not happy that's your prerogative, but just leave rather than making it like this.

So do divorced grandparents look after their GCs together??

Mine did actually, a couple of weeks ago. Very unusual situation, and unlikely to happen again, but it did happen. They also see one another at their grand kids' birthdays, school plays, awards ceremonies, my graduation etc etc. You need to get your head around this woman and these kids being a part of your life forever. You sound so venomous about their mother that I'd be astonished if they weren't aware how you feel.

Aurora87

I really hope this is fake

So do I. If not, it goes to show some men really will tolerate any old woman around their DCs, if at the end of the day they're greeted with open arms legs

If this isn't fake, I'll put money on the op being significantly younger and the former mistress. All was well and good when they were just shagging but when the reality of living full time with a man who already had children and as such was tied inexorably to their mother, it didn't live up to expectations and these children have been treated as unwelcome houseguests in their father's home.

I'll be flamed for everything I say forever more simply for not being a biological mother

Oh, bless OP. You are not ANY kind of mother. Certainly not something to be flamed for so you might want to look elsewhere for reasons you are flamed.

I parent these kids as well as any mother
One of the funniest, yet saddest things I've read. Pretty sure most mothers set the bar a little higher than your 'version' of mothering.

granny you being married at 17 has nothing to do with the ops situation. I'd be so disappointed if my dc married at 17. There is so much to do in life other than get married as a child 🤷‍♀️

I can't leave him as rent is so expensive around here

Many 16 year olds want things they just can't have

So for you it's ok to insist you MUST live with this man because you HAVE TO live in an area you can't afford.

But for a 16yo it's not ok to insist they must have access to their own dad.

Okaaay...

Op if you do want this to work then you need to forgot about the ex

How many hours she works is irrelevant. Child maintenance is not calculated on her income so it does not affect you in any way.

Equally what she does with her time when the kids are with you is irrelevant. It isn't about her, it's about them seeing her dad. Ignore what you think her reasons are, they don't matter.

You don't need to have an opinion on her life, it doesn't affect yours. It sounds like your partner wants to see his children and that's what matters.

I won't give you a hard time, you are venting on here and when we vent things often come out harsher than intended. What I've said above is genuine advice, time spent thinking about his ex is time wasted and serves no purpose for you

About them seeing their dad I mean

Wow!!! Selfish, arrogant and obviously jealous of your OH kids!
He is their DAD FFS! He obviously wants to have them and spend time with them and if you loved him, you would want the same thing bcoz it makes him HAPPY!!!
I have a 16 yo daughter and she is a royal pain in the arse but I LOVE spending time with her bcoz it doesn't happen enough anymore - teenagers have their own lives, and before you know it they're gone!
Ever thought that maybe your OH realises this and isn't arguing with his ex bcoz he WANTS that extra time with them??? 😡

This could have been me several years ago. I have a child. My (now) ex told me the first night I met him that he had three. We stayed together for a few years and I had my child 60% and we had his 3 50%. His ex took huge liberties and I began to think of him as a "spineless wanker" (despite being a hugely active step-mum figure to his children). Looking back now he was simply not wanting them to feel like their Mum would rather be out with her mates than with them so he stepped in.

The rot had set in though and I was never going to be able to accept living in a situation where, no matter how much I did, (and I more than played my part in their lives) my own plans could be scrapped at a moment's notice because of her whims.

I ended the relationship and got my life back.

YABVVU.

He had the children when you met him, right?

His kids should be always come first. If you don't like it, you shouldn't have got involved with someone with kids.

I'm can't stand the attitude of women like you who come breezing into a family unit and think that everything should change to suit them.

Parenting should be a 50/50 thing. The mother is doing the lion's share here - way more than her 50% - so I'm not surprised she's exhausted and needs a break. 8 nights is nothing compared to her everyday / week / month / year commitment to her and your partner's children.

You sound awful.

I parent these kids as well as any mother but my point is why is their mother doing anything she can to he rid of them she can spend time with her boyfriend?

Not like you are doing anything you can to be rid of them so you can spend time with their father, is it?!!

It's not just their father she'll gladly let anyone have the 13 yr old. I will gladly support OH with his fair share but this isn't fair and that's my point.

Why is it not fair for him to be expected to look after his own children?!

It's not what you signed up for is it?
Things change. Disappointing thought that is, illness, redundancy, accidents, they can all change what you thought was the future.

the ex may not have had the children at all if she knew that the marriage wouldn't last.

Just like to retype a couple of the last few comments as it sums up how most of us see the situation.

so for you it's ok to insist you MUST live with this man because you HAVE TO live in an area you can't afford.

But for a 16yo it's not ok to insist they must have access to their own dad.

I parent these kids as well as any mother
One of the funniest, yet saddest things I've read. Pretty sure most mothers set the bar a little higher than your 'version' of mothering.

I already said it and I shall say it again. Go and find a room in a shared house if you can't afford to rent on your own. Be responsible for your choices in life. You chose to leave your better paid job in a different area with lower rents to be with your partner. You are making your partner and his children responsible for this situation. Then berating the children for not acting like grown ups when you yourself act like a petulant child.

OkPedro at least I could look after myself. I would be terribly disappointed if a 16 year old of mine needed so much looking after that I was exhausted. 16 months yes, 16 years no way.

I spend a lot of time looking after mine when they aren't there ; washing and ironing, cleaning, shopping How old are they? At 16 they are perfectly capable of doing their own washing and ironing, helping with housework and as for shopping well is putting six yogurts in the trolley instead of 2 such a big deal?

This is brilliant OP; you've got step-mums, mums, probably dads alike flaming you. Well done. 10/10.

Just one supportive granny

Op, I think part of the reason you're being flamed is you are over playing your part. You are not their step mum and the mother their bio mum. You have not adopted the children, you are not married to their father, you have not raised them, and the relationship with the father is relatively young.

You are simply their dads girlfriend. She is their mum. Irrelevant of what you think of her, she is their mother and she is the co parent, not you. The bio mum term is not applicable for someone who is the only mother, you don't call the dad the bio dad, so no need to for the mum. They are simply the mother and father, and yes you are the fathers girlfriend.

is there something else going on with you that you resent the kids so much?

I think if you want to salvage your relationship you need to accept them willingly into your boyfriends life and stop trying to limit how often he sees them or limit how much financial support he provides for them.

grannie IT is actually. Because I don't have a big fridge. So it effectively means I have to go shopping twice as much. The teenagers can't shop - can't get without a car. (I would have to get the money out needing an extra job if they went) asda now refuse to unload to my teenagers...
I spend a lot of time supervising my teen learning to drive.
They need lots if listening to, and sorting out. Some teens are more able than others. It's often not much to do with parenting.