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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not read if you're a stepmum hater, you'll hate me even more ....

503 replies

betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 15:52

We usually have OH's children EOW and two days in the week. This is a long term arrangement that works relatively well.

Their mother works approx. 12 hours per week and is essentially a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim. She is “exhausted” and has asked us to have the kids extra in the school holidays so she can have a rest! WTAF, both me and OH work long full time hours. Both children are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours whilst she works. They will be bored stupid at ours but we’ve had far too many rows for me to argue anymore. OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that.

Anyway, we have them for 7 nights out of the next 8, with them supposed to be going back to their mother for one evening. She has “misunderstood” and has made plans for that night, meaning we have them for 8 nights. We hadn’t made plans, we were just going to enjoy not having the children around for one night.

OH is a spineless wanker at times and won’t go back to her and argue the point. I want to shout and scream but instead I’ll post on here.

I know i'll get flamed to death but need to air this here rather than in real life when it'll end up in a horrible row.

OP posts:
maddening · 21/07/2017 16:17

If the ok has them 2 nights in week and assume eow is Fri and Sat night then they do have 50% of the time?

Windycityblues · 21/07/2017 16:17

I hope you are feeling better than you were in what I think was your last post. It seems as though you really don't want to be a step-mother which is fine, it's a challenging role to do well. Given that I think you would do well to think about your relationship and if it is really what you want.

Ithastobeheinz · 21/07/2017 16:17

I take it you knew he had children when you started a relationship with your oh.
Your oh should step up and have his children and good on him for standing up to you.

BTPlonker · 21/07/2017 16:18

I am really struggling to see your problem OP. It is only just over a week. It is really not a lot to ask, and by the sound of it you will be out at work for most of that time anyway. Why is this such an issue for you?

krustykittens · 21/07/2017 16:18

Does your OH not welcome the chance to spend more time with his kids, OP, or does he just see it as parental responsibility? That is the bit I find sad. He is their parent too, I would have thought he would have wanted to spend as much time with them as he could. And if he does, you really shouldn't stand in his way. How many hours their mum works is irrelevant, it is more about how much time he wants to spend with them.

blackteasplease · 21/07/2017 16:19

Yeah, I think you should have tried to make your point without the insults OP! Especially as they don't sound justified.

TheFaerieQueene · 21/07/2017 16:19

And the crown for the most unpleasant OP of the day goes to .......

blackteasplease · 21/07/2017 16:19

Yeah, I think you should have tried to make your point without the insults OP! Especially as they don't sound justified.

user1497480444 · 21/07/2017 16:20

what if he has them full time? or ups his nights to 50%? I don't think he should be turning his kids away, he should be having them whenever asked, and full time if necessary.

handslikecowstits · 21/07/2017 16:20

Going by your previous thread on which everyone told you to end the relationship, you need to sort this out because your husband's children aren't going anywhere, you have said you're suicidal and this relationship doesn't make you happy one iota.

What are you going to do apart from moan on here?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 21/07/2017 16:20

entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim

Think you have described yourself, OP.

DressedCrab · 21/07/2017 16:21

She works 12 hours and she's tired?

YANBU

Lazy mare. Your DH needs to put his foot down.

Bluntness100 · 21/07/2017 16:21

Op, your husband isn't that spineless. He's standing up to you just fine, isn't he?

CheeseCrackersAndWine · 21/07/2017 16:21

I honestly don't understand people who get into a relationship with someone who has kids but then isn't happy when there are kids around. If you aren't fine with the kids potentially being there 100% of the time, then I wouldn't recommend a relationship where children are involved. Good on your DH for being happy to spend as much time as possible with his children (regardless of whether his ex has a valid reason for not having them or not).

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 21/07/2017 16:21

dressed

Being tired doesn't make you lazy

Being lazy makes you lazy

KathArtic · 21/07/2017 16:22

To be honest, you are entitled to your views, and your opinions on the mother.

Is it more a case of when the children are at yours it is YOU who looks after them and not your DH? As in you do the shopping, meal planning and cooking; the washing and ironing; entertainment etc?

I also think that if you work full time and don't have your own children you are within your rights to feel put out in your own home.

However, you are with a man who has children so they do come as part of the package.

Original poster
betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 16:22

We have them for 70% of the time over the summer holidays. We have them for 8 nights in a row, then back at their mum's for a few nights then back to us. I'm sorry I didn't make that very clear. We have them for a lot more than 8 nights in the summer holidays.

OP posts:
elevenclips · 21/07/2017 16:23

Just end the relationship.

LaurieMarlow · 21/07/2017 16:23

Jeez OP, all I can say, based on this and your previous thread is leave him. You clearly aren't cut out for this step mum stuff and its bringing out the worst in you.

Sillysausage123 · 21/07/2017 16:23

Why is it ok for you to say you were looking forward to not having them for the extra night but you say the ex wife is lazy for wanting a rest and a break?

TheFirstMrsDV · 21/07/2017 16:24

Why does the amount of hours she works make a difference to how often your OH looks after his own kids?
Do you think he should only have them if she can't?

Are you sure she only works 12 hours a week? How does she live on that because she won't be able to claim any tax credits.

Donttouchthethings · 21/07/2017 16:24

I'm a stepmum. I know it can be tough but there's also a ton of joy to be had from it.

Reading between the lines, do you think you and your dp are maybe not the best match?

RhubardGin · 21/07/2017 16:24

Why you are with someone you deem to be a spineless wanker is beyond me.

They are his children too, why shouldn't they come and stay for a few more days?

I actually agree with your OH. The only person being unreasonable in this situation is you.

thebigbluedustbin · 21/07/2017 16:25

Your husband isn't a 'spineless wanker', he is a dad who is probably looking forward to spending some quality time with his children.

AvoidingCallenetics · 21/07/2017 16:26

I think you would feel better if you stopped thinking about your oh's exw. Take her out of the equation in your mind and just think of the fact that your oh has children that he is 50% responsible for.
It doesn't matter what hours his exw works - nothing about her life is any of your business.

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