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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do not read if you're a stepmum hater, you'll hate me even more ....

503 replies

betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 15:52

We usually have OH's children EOW and two days in the week. This is a long term arrangement that works relatively well.

Their mother works approx. 12 hours per week and is essentially a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim. She is “exhausted” and has asked us to have the kids extra in the school holidays so she can have a rest! WTAF, both me and OH work long full time hours. Both children are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours whilst she works. They will be bored stupid at ours but we’ve had far too many rows for me to argue anymore. OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that.

Anyway, we have them for 7 nights out of the next 8, with them supposed to be going back to their mother for one evening. She has “misunderstood” and has made plans for that night, meaning we have them for 8 nights. We hadn’t made plans, we were just going to enjoy not having the children around for one night.

OH is a spineless wanker at times and won’t go back to her and argue the point. I want to shout and scream but instead I’ll post on here.

I know i'll get flamed to death but need to air this here rather than in real life when it'll end up in a horrible row.

OP posts:
angelfacecuti75 · 22/07/2017 19:24

It depends who does the 'running ' around after them? Does your oh do any at all or is it you that is doing all the'mum' things? If it's the latter tell dh to do a bit more. Oh is right it's his responsibility as they're his kids x

Foniks · 22/07/2017 19:24

Why get with a man who has kids if you know you don't want them around? 7 nights for the 6 week holidays? Most parents see their kids lots more than that.

Polly2345 · 22/07/2017 19:30

She may only work 12 hours but she spends the rest of the time looking after her kids on her own. That sounds exhausting to me.

Laura1206 · 22/07/2017 19:43

You are a horrible woman. His kids will always come first and I think you struggle with that. Wicked witch.

grannytomine · 22/07/2017 19:43

Polly she has them 8 days a fortnight so for 6 days a fortnight she doesn't look after them. That doesn't sound exhausting to me. I looked after mine 14 days a fortnight.

Aquathest · 22/07/2017 19:47

@grannytomine the mother is also currently having problems with her teenage DS. That can be very exhausting.
Aside from that we don't really know much about her situation as the only detail OP has given is childish insults about her.

grannytomine · 22/07/2017 19:51

It is still unfair to say she may only work 12 hrs a week but she spends the rest of the time looking after them. That just isn't true is it. She has 6 days every fortnight when she isn't looking after them.

Aquathest · 22/07/2017 19:54

Quite rightly so - the children have two parents

grannytomine · 22/07/2017 20:00

I didn't say he shouldn't have him. If people think the arrangement is fair then why say something that is blatantly untrue? She doesn't spend the rest of the time looking after them, that is a fact. She spends 4 days a week looking after them.

I'm not sure how much "looking after" a 16 year old needs, I was married days after my 17th birthday and don't remember anyone looking after me. If looking after him is so exhausting maybe he has a problem we aren't being told about. If I think of my sons at 16 then spent time at school, time in their rooms studying, time out with mates. If you added up how much time they were at home and awake it wasn't enough to exhaust anyone. I accept if they have some physical or mental health problems it would be difficult.

Aquathest · 22/07/2017 20:04

I am not sure who is saying anything blatantly untrue. We have been told that the OHs DS and XW are not getting on at the moment, as I said before, that itself is exhausting. You also don't know if she does have any medical conditions as we are given very little information from OP as she has never even met the XW.

Aquathest · 22/07/2017 20:07

Also OPs OH is not resisting the caring arrangements and he is probably best placed out of everyone to judge if XW is taking the piss - so we are really back to OP's problem of not accepting that a man with DC comes with responsibilities she is not willing to accept

grannytomine · 22/07/2017 20:09

Polly2345 said, She may only work 12 hours but she spends the rest of the time looking after her kids on her own. That sounds exhausting to me. How does she look after them on the 6 days a fortnight she doesn't have them? It is irrelevant if she is ill or doesn't get on with her son in regards to what Polly2345 said, she doesn't spend the rest of her time looking after them, she spends some time looking after them on 8 days a fortnight. Quite apart from the 6 days they are with dad they also go to school presumably I don't think she goes with them, it would be unusual.

grannytomine · 22/07/2017 20:10

Aqua the fact the father is happy with it still doesn't mean she spends all the time she isn't working looking after the children. I can never understand why people have to make things up on here.

Aurora87 · 22/07/2017 20:22

You, your dear, are why some people hate step mums.

You are selfish, rude, inconsiderate and judgemental.

Of course it is right that the absent parent spends more time with thei children during the holidays. That should be a blessing and a privilege, not an inconvenience and a nuisance.

Children come first. If you cannot comprehend that, don't be in a relationship with someone that has children.

Aurora87 · 22/07/2017 20:25

*my dear

Aquathest · 22/07/2017 20:31

@grannytomine I made a point about what was exhausting and it wasn't in the context that XW spends all the time when she is not working looking after DC.

I don't think the arrangements between the OH and XW is an issue. The XW should not be looking after the DC 14 days every fortnight as it is a joint responsibility with OPs OH.

Lets be honest, if it wasn't this 'issue' it would be something else because the fact of the matter is that OP thinks it is ok to tell a father with DC that living with his DC full time is a deal breaker.

I can never understand why people knowingly get in a relationship with someone with DC and are then not willing to recognise the needs of those DC come first.

user1495025590 · 22/07/2017 20:33

Poor kids!l Instead of fighting for access, they are fighting to not have it!
Next year or two the poor little 'millstones' will go off the rails!

flipflop49 · 22/07/2017 21:11

If I were you I would join a leisure centre/ gym and have some betteroffwithouthim time and allow him to enjoy his children

tiredwithtwins · 22/07/2017 21:19

My ex is a spineless wanker - he has our 3 teens for a few hours once a week and then will squirm his way out of it if he can, citing work or time with gf as taking priority. Your OH however should be praised - he wants his kids around him as much as possible .. perhaps it's so he doesn't have to interact with you?
Sorry, not helpful I know, but if be full of admiration if my oh wanted his kids around more .. x

Breezybreeze · 22/07/2017 21:28

Poor poor kids.
I was one of those. Its shit.
Shame on you.

FennyBridges · 22/07/2017 21:31

Nothing too judgemental to say about you or their mother, except that, as a teacher, teenagers often confide in us when they know no one wants them. It's horrible feeling unwanted and creates further issues down the line. Regardless what anyone thinks about you or the ex teenagers need to be loved and wanted and hugged.

grannytomine · 22/07/2017 21:47

Aquathest, I was originally replying to something Poly2345 said and it was wrong. Don't know why you want to argue about it to be honest.

Let us forget everything else and look at the facts.

  1. Exw has kids 8 days a fortnight.
  2. Exw works 12 hrs a week.
  3. Poly2345 said that when she isn't working she spends the rest of her time looking after the kids.

So is that true or not? It can't be can it as she isn't looking after them when they aren't with her.

I agree with you about not getting into a relationship with someone with kids if you don't want to be a step parent. I had a step father and I think it is a difficult thankless thing to be and I would never ever have become a step parent.

Deidre21 · 22/07/2017 21:48

At least he is a father who recognises he should and must contribute yes looking after his children. There are men out there who live with their wives or partners who don't do much / take for granted that the mother should do the majority of the caring for children, and that also goes for men who are not with their partners and don't contribute. In the long term look at it from a child's view. Yes they are teenagers but that doesn't mean they need parents less. Anyway why make a big issues over an extra night it's not such a bad thing, there are worse thinks that go on in other families.

Deidre21 · 22/07/2017 21:48

*worse things I meant to type

LogicalPsycho · 22/07/2017 22:44

I can't leave him as rent is so expensive around here

it's being suggested he comes to live with us full time. I seriously couldn't deal with this. Rightly or wrongly I fell in love with a man who's kids live with their mum

"I don't want to live with 2 adult males in one small house"

Many 16 year olds want things they just can't have

Gold-digging, territory marking and competing with a man's children for his attention? You really are a Wicked Stepmother aren't you?

Poor kids.