Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do not read if you're a stepmum hater, you'll hate me even more ....

503 replies

betteroffwithouthim · 21/07/2017 15:52

We usually have OH's children EOW and two days in the week. This is a long term arrangement that works relatively well.

Their mother works approx. 12 hours per week and is essentially a bone idle, entitled moaning old witch who will find any excuse to feel the victim. She is “exhausted” and has asked us to have the kids extra in the school holidays so she can have a rest! WTAF, both me and OH work long full time hours. Both children are teenagers and more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours whilst she works. They will be bored stupid at ours but we’ve had far too many rows for me to argue anymore. OH has argued that its his parental responsibility to look after them extra in the holidays and that’s the end of that.

Anyway, we have them for 7 nights out of the next 8, with them supposed to be going back to their mother for one evening. She has “misunderstood” and has made plans for that night, meaning we have them for 8 nights. We hadn’t made plans, we were just going to enjoy not having the children around for one night.

OH is a spineless wanker at times and won’t go back to her and argue the point. I want to shout and scream but instead I’ll post on here.

I know i'll get flamed to death but need to air this here rather than in real life when it'll end up in a horrible row.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 22/07/2017 17:52

Maybe she is using it as an excuse for her ex to spend time with his kids?

pollymere · 22/07/2017 17:52

I understand your frustration. This isn't about how often you have the kids but more that their Mum has deliberately misunderstood you to get another kid free night. She's got the majority of custody but seems to passing them to you. That's what you're feeling. On the flipside, your OH gets to spend time with his kids who he rarely sees. Ignore her and make those eight nights amazing and be the amazing step mum you know you can be.

betteroffwithouthim · 22/07/2017 17:57

Britt bugs as I said recently fo divorced grand parents babysit together? Unlikely.

I'll be flamed for everything I say forever more simply for not being a biological mother. I parent these kids as well as any mother but my point is why is their mother doing anything she can to he rid of them she can spend time with her boyfriend? It's not just their father she'll gladly let anyone have the 13 yr old. I will gladly support OH with his fair share but this isn't fair and that's my point. Whether I'm called step, demelza or anything else isn't the point, nor is whether I'll be invited to a baby's Christening that's at least 10 years away isn't either.

OP posts:
betteroffwithouthim · 22/07/2017 18:00

@britt bugs your interpretation of what I've said is interesting to say the least and very warped and stiltedfrom what I actually wrote.

OP posts:
Aquathest · 22/07/2017 18:02

I will gladly support OH with his fair share but this isn't fair and that's my point.

So @betteroffwithouthim - Why is it not fair for OHs DS to live with you full time, especially when he is having problems at home?
Because you're not supporting OH with that, are you...?

betteroffwithouthim · 22/07/2017 18:05

Because his mother is his primary carer, his friends live around rhe area she lives and I don't want to live with two adult males in one small house. He is not homeless, if he was that would be different.

OP posts:
betteroffwithouthim · 22/07/2017 18:06

I meant to also say it's what he "wants" and many 16 yr old want things they can't have

OP posts:
MeanAger · 22/07/2017 18:06

I parent these kids as well as any mother

Pah!! You don't even like them!

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 22/07/2017 18:07

mummy

Not everyone is attacking ginger in particular has been very good in her posts

(Good isnt the right word but i think my brain died, turned to mush and leaked out of my ear)

xxproudmummyxx · 22/07/2017 18:08

wow you sound bitter. Are you jealous that you don't have kids with your partner?
It's none of your business whether the mother works or not, or what she does! You still wonder why the girl never speaks to you??? she can see through you! The only witch here is you!
It surprises me that men stay with women like you, women who have no respect for their kids or their ex partner!
Guess what your partners kids are more important than you are!
I don't really understand why you are with someone with kids, you clearly have issues and should sort them out!

If I was the mother of these kids I would not want you anywhere near my kids!

thethoughtfox · 22/07/2017 18:16

"Britt bugs as I said recently fo divorced grand parents babysit together? Unlikely." I believe that poster was making the point that your partner's responsibilities to his children may only increase as they get older as there will be grandchildren who will also need care and take up your partner's time.

"I parent these kids as well as any mother" Will all due respect, you cannot mean this. You don't want them living with you full time; you said that his children living with him full time would be a 'deal breaker' which you had made him aware of when you got together; you don't have any kind of real relationship with his daughter.

You have made your intention clear: to vent all your anger that you feel you can't in RL which is why you picked such a provocative title. Hope this has been cathartic.

AlexRose5 · 22/07/2017 18:19

OP...
I'm also a stepmum and I can tell you right now you need to change your attitude / perspective on things.
My husbands ex works similar hours and spends most of her time moaning about exhaustion ...lives a short walk from the school yet they are NEVER on time when they're with her....I could go on 🙈
However! Whether your husbands exworks one hour a week or one hundred hours a week, he is still an equal parent and you should encourage their time together, not scrutinise whether his ex deserves or needs the break... it's really not about the adults it's about the children .
My step kids are with us every other weekend and 50% of all school holidays , about 7 and a half weeks ... Hubby and I use our annual leave to cover it between us.
No, his ex is NOT someone I have a lot of time for , and honestly that's with good reason, but the children don't see that. They see all the parents in their lives, step and biological , cooperating to make sure they're the priority regardless of personal opinions .
It takes for a lot of sucking it up and I've had to call on maturity levels I never knew I possessed , to be honest! But believe me, you'll regret giving off such a resentful vibe. Op, please, put your pettyness aside and put those kids first . You'll never go wrong dining that Flowers

Oldbutstillgotit · 22/07/2017 18:19

OP - the primary carer can change . Also ( and I am really not joining any attack on you ) if/ when you are not included in any invitation by your DH's DC ( e.g. wedding ) do not make him refuse - send him off with a smile . I know someone who resented her DSC when they were young and who made her DH decline invitations if she was not included . After a while he was so miserable that he left her rather than lose his ( now adult) DC., I can tell you are unhappy and I do think you should leave this relationship however if you decide to stay you really really need to accept that ex is going nowhere .

Oldbutstillgotit · 22/07/2017 18:24

Alex- agree 100%. I too have had to bite my tongue on so many occasions and am glad I did .

Brittbugs80 · 22/07/2017 18:29

@britt bugs your interpretation of what I've said is interesting to say the least and very warped and stiltedfrom what I actually wrote

Is it? Ok.

Brittbugs80 · 22/07/2017 18:29

@britt bugs your interpretation of what I've said is interesting to say the least and very warped and stiltedfrom what I actually wrote

Is it? Ok.

Brittbugs80 · 22/07/2017 18:41

Ben is having big problems with his mum (they both agree on this) and it's being suggested he comes to live with us full time. I seriously couldn't deal with this. Rightly or wrongly I fell in love with a man who's kids live with their mum. I met him online and wouldn't have agreed to meet him if he had children living with him!

This is where you said you it's a deal-breaker and you would never have met him if he had children living with him.

So that's definitely not my warped and stilted interpretation.

Brittbugs80 · 22/07/2017 18:43

I can't leave him as rent is so expensive around here

Can't really take that any other way can I?!

Aquathest · 22/07/2017 18:44

I meant to also say it's what he "wants" and many 16 yr old want things they can't have

Many adults want things they can't have either

The XW in your lives forever, the possibility of DC living with you FT are all things you want to disappear.

Your OHs DS isn't an adult and of course he isn't homeless - quite the opposite, he has two homes he can choose from, with either of his parents.

Brittbugs80 · 22/07/2017 18:48

I could carry on but actually I can't be arsed.

In short, yabvfu and you know it. It's fuck all to do with people hating Stepmums, but it suits you better to hide behind that when you know that your heart isn't in this relationship and you only appear to want it if the kids keep their distance.

stitchglitched · 22/07/2017 18:54

'I don't want to live with 2 adult males in one small house'

'Many 16 year olds want things they can't have'

So your wants must be adhered to, but not a childs? Why should your wants come ahead of his son? Especially when you are only sticking around because you say you can't afford to go it alone. Aren't you a bit embarrassed to be continuing to interfere in this family, when you are staying mainly for financial reasons and it is clear no one is particularly happy? Why not just keep a low profile, try to save up enough to move out and let him parent his kids as he sees fit?

user1495025590 · 22/07/2017 19:02

She is working outside the home 12 hours a week but looking after adolescents is extremely mentally draining.Everything in teh world that is wrong is their parent's fault.The constant moaning for money , the lifts, the homework, the heartbreak you feel inside at their friendship issues, the teenage slights , the sarcastic teachers listening to boring stories about boy bands, nail varnish, xbox games etc

user1495025590 · 22/07/2017 19:03

If you marry someone with children you have to understand they are alaways going to come first, forever.

AlexRose5 · 22/07/2017 19:05

oldbutstillgotit its got to be done Flowers
I think the op is shooting herself in the foot taking this stance...
I hope for the sake of her relationship , and the sake of those kids that she sees sense and reconsiders her position on matters...
It's a train wreck waiting to happen otherwise.

Oldbutstillgotit · 22/07/2017 19:19

Also ( before I open a bottle of wine as this thread has riled me) when ( or if) you have children please remember that child will be equally- not more- important to your DP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread