To think this woman had no right to tell my son off

[WobbleYourHead]

So we were in the car park of a supermarket often the subject of a MN thread when DS (9) had taken the trolley back to redeem the £1.
Being a bit of a monkey he was trying to put the trolley back "handle to handle" as opposed to slotting it in. I called across to him to put it in right which he did. In the meantime I jumped in the car and drove the short distance for him to get in the car.
As I approached a woman was telling him off saying something along the lines of he shouldn't have spoken to her like that....
I asked what he'd said and she said "He was being cheeky" so I questioned again what exactly he'd said & she just repeated that he was cheeky. So I told her she had no right to tell him off, she said she wasn't and the exchange went on for several minutes with her still refusing to tell me what he'd actually said!!
I asked DS again and basically she'd told him it wasn't nice for him to put the trolley back wrong so in return he'd basically repeated back "well that isn't nice" (her telling him) at which point she had a go at him!
AIBU to think that if she had an issue that the least she could have done was spoken to me but in the grand scheme of things there was absolutely no need for her to say anything to him at all?!

OP why did you post in AIBU if you are not prepared to hear that you are. If you are so sure you were right then tell this story to your DH or friend, or family, don't post in AIBU asking for people's opinions and then refusing to accept them.
And for the record, you are unreasonable. I don't really want to see the diagram and know sequence of events. I believe every word you are saying.

But It doesn't really matter whether this lady was wrong or right - your DS needs to know that answering back to adults is not acceptable, if he feels the adult is unreasonable he should come back to you and ask for support. But at 9 he shouldn't answer back to adult at his own initiative.

You should be embarrassed your DS was rude (which he was), not annoyed she dared speak to him. Keep him under better control until you manage to teach him to behave.

Imo people these days are far too precious about other people tellng their kids off. It does a kid no harm whatsoever and in fact a world of good for unrelated adults to tell them off when they're out of line. Unless of course you want to rear the sort of child that no one wants to be around.

If my 6yo had said to an adult who told him he wasn't being nice, "well you're not being nice for telling me off". I would be furious with him, and apologised profusely to the adult in question! The trolley thing wasn't the crime of the century, no. But she had the right to tell him it wasn't nice, because it wasn't. He did not have the right to be rude back to her, and you were BU for having a go! Just reinforces the entitled brat behaviour. I wonder where he gets it from. Cheeky monkey, let me guess - he's also 'spirited' in other people's houses and 'too bright' at school to be able to behave?!

OP:

Just to add to my previous contribution...

Actually, you should be mortified your child - who is definitely old enough to know better - was behaving so badly, a member of the public had to admonish him.

I would be grounding him.

FrancisCrawford

Again, how is it OK for her to say he's not being nice and when he says she's not it's appropriate for her to give him a ticking off?!

Because he was mucking around with the trolleys.

Why shouldn't she comment on bad behaviour when she sees it?

Maybe if more people did, then low-level annoying behaviours might reduce.

He was very rude in mimicking her. Clearly he knew he was wrong and didn't like being called to account for his behaviour, hence the cheek

The lady had done wrong - she told the truth and got cheek back. Of course she told him off. Why should anyone have to accept this sort of bad behaviour from a child?

Well said. The child was being a brat and he need to be taught that not all adults are weak and willing to condone his poor manners.

At 9 years old, messing about with shopping trollies is not exactly crime of the century, however when he was told by a stranger that it wasn't very nice, him making a cheeky remark (which in your op you said he had repeated back to her that it wasn't nice to tell him off) is the problem. She reprimanded him (quite rightly in my opinion) for being cheeky when you turned up and in your own words told her she had no right to tell him off when she told you he had been cheeky! You don't need his exact words, the fact that she considered his behaviour to be rude and cheeky should be enough for you to accept she had a right to tell him off! Mountain out of molehill springs to mind - and yes, YABVU.

YABU

...needs...

I can't believe this is still going on.

I've seen loads of threads where people ask if they have been unreasonable then refuse to accept when they are told they are. This is the first one though where the op is continually arguing the point of just how reasonable she is and refusing to either back off or accept it.

Why ask. Op you're not going to convince the forum. You think you and your son behaved reasonably, and the lady didn't. Nearly every one else thinks the complete opposite. I'd give it up.

Son sounds a brat and you sound deluded and hard work.

YABU

Parents not accepting that its ok for other adults to tell off children when they are doing something wrong (not hit, not clips round the ear just tell off) is part of the reason that some children have a total lack of respect for things. Well done to the lady.

WobbleYourHead - if this thread demonstrates anything, it is that you seem singularly incapable of seeing anything from anyone else's perspective. I am quite sure the woman you are complaining about would tell a completely different story, without once thinking she was lying, either - just telling it from her perspective. You may think you had dealt effectively with the situation and had everything under control (even though you were out of sight and earshot, driving in your car), and that you came across as faultlessly polite, not aggressive. I doubt that is the way she saw it, hence the situation you ended up in, with you thinking she was rude and inappropriate and her probably thinking you were as bad as your ds and likely to be rude to her whatever she said. If you are incapable of seeing your internal motives and beliefs do not always reflect what other people perceive, but are happy to lash out at others who may be similarly incapable, then it's no wonder you end up arguing with people in supermarkets and refusing to acknowledge any particular fault of your own in the handling of a situation, even to strangers on the internet. YABVU to remain so hett up about this, rather than accepting it is rare that situations like this occur because only one of you did something wrong and that this was an utterly trivial situation for you to give yourself a heart attack over...

Perhaps she's doing you a favour OP.

Brilliant round up Cherry

OP you've been roasted on here...I know it stings when someone else has to tell your child off.I've been there! But rather than get all defensive, I was mortified I hadnt seen the silly behaviour. Learn from it. Kids do mess about but its the fact he was cheeky and you're excusing it thats the issue.

There was a time when if your child misbehaved you would be embarrassed.
If my son was doing this with trolleys I would tell him off. If someone else had to because I am not present (wouldnt happen) I would be embarrased.
I have looked for parents in the past so I dont have to tell kids off for something and parents are nowhere to be seen
In one case I said something to the kids after parents were nowhere. The child ended up really hurting themselves (messing about with a Boris bike)

People like Wobbleyourhead explain everything that's wrong with today's society - their entitled behaviour and refusal to accept that they may be wrong even when an overwhelming majority of posters say so.

She should hang her head in shame

I disagree. If this thread demonstrates anything, it's how sometimes the vast majority of people over react and write hyprocritical bollocks (ie, a 9 year old's referred to as a 'little shit', the OP a 'cunt', he'll be a delinquant in a few years because he told an adult she wasn't very nice to him). It also demonstrates how important it is to not be a sheep and go with the majority of the posters who appear to be either living in the victorian era of children should be seen and not heard, or are hyprocrites themselves because if the boot was on the other foot many of them would be writing very similar posts.

It also demonstrates how there really shouldn't be an itallics option on MN because it's so bloody patronising!

Guava that's up there with one of the most hysterical responses to a kid messing around with a supermarket trolley, stopping when his mum tells him to, random stranger interfering, kid telling said stranger she's not very nice and stranger refusing to tell kid's mum exactly what he said that was so outrageous.

If there was a medals smiley you'd get it!

All that's wrong with society now that should be a classic like cancel the cheque

I really do think MN has lost the plot with this, I just can't believe what I'm reading!

Agree with PP.

Your DS, who is old enough to know better, was dicking about with the trollies when other people needed to use them.

When told off he cheeked back instead of looking sheepish and apologising which would have been the correct response.

By you having a go at the woman you've shown him that this is exactly the behaviour he should carry on with.