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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this woman had no right to tell my son off

663 replies

WobbleYourHead · 20/07/2017 22:23

So we were in the car park of a supermarket often the subject of a MN thread when DS (9) had taken the trolley back to redeem the £1.
Being a bit of a monkey he was trying to put the trolley back "handle to handle" as opposed to slotting it in. I called across to him to put it in right which he did. In the meantime I jumped in the car and drove the short distance for him to get in the car.
As I approached a woman was telling him off saying something along the lines of he shouldn't have spoken to her like that....
I asked what he'd said and she said "He was being cheeky" so I questioned again what exactly he'd said & she just repeated that he was cheeky. So I told her she had no right to tell him off, she said she wasn't and the exchange went on for several minutes with her still refusing to tell me what he'd actually said!!
I asked DS again and basically she'd told him it wasn't nice for him to put the trolley back wrong so in return he'd basically repeated back "well that isn't nice" (her telling him) at which point she had a go at him!
AIBU to think that if she had an issue that the least she could have done was spoken to me but in the grand scheme of things there was absolutely no need for her to say anything to him at all?!

OP posts:
TipTopTipTopClop · 21/07/2017 11:16

Disgraceful attitude from that mum Reds. I hope you refuse to teach the child until she learns to respect you.

I think we've reached a critical mass of people like the OP, making it very unlikely indeed that Red is in a position to demand such a thing from her students.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/07/2017 11:18

The OP had dealt with the trolley issue

Well not really if he was still pratting about with it whilst she was off getting her car and left him unsupervised. Where he was presumably still fucking about with the trolleys.

HoldBackTheRain · 21/07/2017 11:21

Awaywith the please don't assume you know when your kids are lying. My son also has aspergers and I too thought I knew absolutely when he was lying or not. He said something had happened once at school, I reported it, school also believed he wasn't lying because he just never did (or so we thought). School dealt with it. A few years later, DS confessed to me that the said incident hadn't happenned and that he'd lied because he hadn't wanted to go to a particular lesson. He was racked with guilt over lying about it.

Me and the teachers hadn't doubted him for a minute because he was always so honest.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 21/07/2017 11:23

OP probably isn't ever coming a k now but just to say i want him to know I'll always have his back well, sometimes in the grand scheme of things, a telling off IS having his back. So that he doesn't get in to random altercations with elderly people in future. So that he grows up able to recognise his own behaviour. Having someone's back isn't always just about defending them even when they in the wrong (and we can't ever know, even the OP doesn't know!)

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/07/2017 11:23

I know TipTop. Silly Reds they should have respected the child more isn't it? Hmm Grin

It is possible to remain respecftfuk to a child whilst still remaining firm but fair. Teachers up and down the country manage it every day whilst still coming up against those parents.

I still remember the poor teacher that got a public dressing down at 8:30am one morning by a Childs mum. Clearly the kid he'd winded severely and the the teacher who had the audacity to put him in time out should have just respected him a bit more. Confused

I wager your DS said more than he's admitting to and you're just refusing to believe the possibility.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 21/07/2017 11:23

It doesn't matter whether the woman needed to address the behaviour. He obviously pissed her off so he got a very mild reprimand. If a member of staff had been there they may have said something too despite it having already been dealt with. You don't get to police what people talk about. It doesn't sound as if the woman was rude but the child was.
And now he knows he can be rude to people with the full backing of mummy so great work op!

Wolfiefan · 21/07/2017 11:28

@Redsrule
That's awful. And just one of the many reasons why I'm now out of teaching. YOU gave my child a detention. YOU'RE picking on my child. No. YOUR child behaved badly so YOUR child earnt the detention. If you think I want to sit in at lunch or after school enjoying the "pleasure" of your child's company after they were rude or stopped teaching and learning by disrupting the lesson then you are a deluded loon!

ShotsFired · 21/07/2017 11:29

@AwaywiththePixies27 It is possible to remain respecftfuk to a child whilst still remaining firm but fair. Teachers up and down the country manage it every day whilst still coming up against those parents.

My most favourite, most effective, most fondly remembered teacher was probably the strictest one I had. Looking back, the way she taught instilled the lessons so effectively and when she praised me I knew it really meant something, and when she corrected me, it only improved my understanding. Hers was the only GCSE I got an A in, as well.

LittleLionMansMummy · 21/07/2017 11:49

Well not really if he was still pratting about with it whilst she was off getting her car and left him unsupervised. Where he was presumably still fucking about with the trolleys.

But that's a presumption. It's not clear from the op. I suppose I presumed that the woman caught him either just before or just after he had put the trolley back correctly. I accept that if he was still pratting about with trolleys then it hadn't been dealt with. But it's not clear. The rudeness seems to be the issue here.

Cromwell1536 · 21/07/2017 12:00

Corbyn - the situation had been dealt with and the trolleys were back as they should be. If the OP had been standing at the boy's side when the other customer intervened, she'd have been in a position to say, "Oh, yes, he knows it's not nice and we've dealt with it now, everything ship-shape', big smile, end of story. But she was in the car having put the shopping away and driving to the trolley park to pick him up. (This is perfectly acceptable thing to do - the person who thinks that asking a 9 year old to do a task like return the trolley without close supervision, is borderline negligent and risking abduction, is a bit bonkers, in my view anyway) The boy is told off - again, for something his mother has already told him off for, and which he has put right - and he lacks the poise and self-assurance to say, "Yes, sorry, I know and I've put it right. My mum told me." He's flustered and embarrassed and he back-chats.

  • Random woman probably shouldn't have had a go at the boy for something that was already put right, but people often like to have a moan, especially at easy targets.
  • Boy shouldn't have backchatted her, but 9 year olds don't usually have the social skills to be polite and assertive rather than snotty and annoying. Especially when pulled up on something they think they've already put right.
-OP probably shouldn't have made such heavy weather of it, but on hearing that the boy had been 'cheeky', just briskly said, "Dear me, well that won't do: say sorry, DS, and jump in. Have a good day, byeee!' and then sorted out any fall-out with her son afterwards. "It's not fair - she told me off and I'd already put it right" "No, I suppose it's not strictly fair, but sometimes that's going to happen, so the best thing is not to muck about with the trolleys in the first place. You'd have been better off saying, I know, my mum already said. What shall we have for dinner?"

But sometimes people don't react exactly proportionately, do they? Bit like Mumsnet!

RiseToday · 21/07/2017 12:05

If the trolley had been put back correctly then I'm not really sure what she was telling him off about!? Unless he did or said something else which warranted the telling off?

Either way, he shouldn't have back chatted.

Lilmisskittykat · 21/07/2017 12:06

Quite often think the problem these days is that people's kids misbehave another adult comments and the parent sided with the kid.

Chances are he was being cheeky and it does read that way from your post and instead of re enforcing the importance of manners you empowered his cheekiness... problem with some kids these days is that message

FanjoForTheMammaries · 21/07/2017 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiaowMix · 21/07/2017 12:07

Cromwell1536

"9 year olds don't usually have the social skills to be polite and assertive rather than snotty and annoying. "

They really, really DO have these social skills, and if not they certainly should do by the age of 9. You must live in a parallel universe, but not one kid would behave like this out of my daughter and all of her friends aged 9/10.
Equally, if they did they would absolutely know they were being rude and be told off accordingly.

MissDuke · 21/07/2017 12:09

When we were on holiday recently, a boy of around 9 or 10 rode his bike into my daughter from behind, she ended up with cuts and bruises on her legs. I turned round and said 'be careful' in a cross voice as I was seething inside, imo he shouldn't be on a bike if he cannot take care.

The mum was raging with me, shouted at me for 'telling him off' and said nothing to her son or indeed my daughter, she didn't even receive an apology or 'are you ok' from either of them. She has autism and couldn't really move on from it so was terrified the rest of the holiday, constantly looking over her shouder (center parcs type place in Holland so lots of bikes).

If one of my children had done it I would have EXPECTED an adult to react as I did especially if I was lagging behind like the mum in this scenario.

It amazes me that parents think their children should be allowed to behave as they wish with no consequences.

TeaCake5 · 21/07/2017 12:10

cromwell stop being an apologist for anti social behaviour or are your kids "monkeys" too?

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/07/2017 12:17

But that's a presumption. It's not clear from the op. I suppose I presumed that the woman caught him either just before or just after he had put the trolley back correctly

No more presumptuous than the OP blindly believing her DS behaved impeccably and some random woman just decided to tell him off for being rude on a whim.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/07/2017 12:18

"9 year olds don't usually have the social skills to be polite and assertive rather than snotty and annoying. "

Yes they do. They manage it perfectly well in school most days.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 21/07/2017 12:21

please don't assume you know when your kids are lying.

Why? I know my children well enough to know when they are taking the Mick and when they are being truthful. I also supervise them.

I believed my DD wholeheartedly when she was being bullied and acted on it. I didnt believe her this time because there were adult witnesses. What would the school staff gain by lying?

My son very rarely lies. I say rarely because the other day he told all his friends I'm a millionaire. Still a lie. I haven't got a pot to pee in as they say up here! Grin

Cromwell1536 · 21/07/2017 12:29

I'm not being an apologist for anti-social behaviour or for parents not reprimanding their children. My point is that the child had been reprimanded by his mother and done as he was told and put the trolley back in place. I've agreed he shouldn't have back-chatted, even if the car park lady was simply venting a pet peeve at an easy target, and I've acknowledged that the OP should have simply extracted an apology from the boy and moved on briskly with her day, rather than trying to mount an inquiry into the why's and wherefores from her car.

Nine year olds are generally a work in progress in my experience - often capable of absolutely the right response, often easily flustered and capable of being downright stupid and annoying. Quite often in the same day.

Thanks for the enquiry about my children's manners. Like most parents worth their salt, I've put a lot of effort into raising considerate, polite kids who aren't pushovers. They're in their late teens now and judging by the feedback I get, my efforts have been successful.

WobbleYourHead · 21/07/2017 12:42

Thank you @Cromwell what you've said is correct and I perhaps could have handled it better. I appreciate your honest but polite thoughts.
Me and my son have been called lots of names by people who are choosing to view it in a particular way, different to what actually happened and they wonder why I don't respond?!
As for the pp who said that a child called her a bitch.... That's exactly the kind of thing I would go mad with my kids for! I wouldn't expect a phone call from school for simply answering back, I trust school would deal with that, but if it warranted a phone call then it's a different matter.
To the pp who's daughter was run into by someone on a bike.... Again, if I'd not seen I'd have asked what happened, assume you'd tell me and I'd expect him to apologise (even if he thought it was an accident).

As I've repeatedly said, I'd wanted to know what he had said that was so bad as to warrant her giving him a ticking off. She refused to tell me. I know when he's lying, he told me he repeated back that she wasn't nice (which to him she wasn't as he'd told her off for something he'd already put right).

OP posts:
daisychainagain · 21/07/2017 12:43

I think the op needs to do what her name suggests and wobble her own head. Your kid is a brat. You allow him to be a brat.
I guarantee in about 6 years you are on here begging for help for your uncontrollable teenager.
Good luck with that.

RiverTam · 21/07/2017 12:47

You are still refusing to knowledge that your child was cheeky and backchatted this woman.

yolofish · 21/07/2017 12:50

oh dear wobble. What it seems most people are saying is that if their child had given cause to be told off by someone else in a public place they'd be really rather unimpressed with the child, and would expect him not to do it again after reminding him why you don't do x or y or z. You seem to be thinking that you and your child had it all in hand and therefore there's nothing to worry about. But there is, because your "little monkey" was being a pain in the arse in public, and someone called him on it. Think about it....

Floggingmolly · 21/07/2017 12:51

He repeated back that she wasn't nice
So you know what he said, straight from the horse's mouth Confused
And you still think he was "being a little monkey" and didn't deserve a telling off??
If you keep encouraging the notion that this was ok, one day he may mouth off to someone who won't take it as well as she did.

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