To think this woman had no right to tell my son off

[WobbleYourHead]

So we were in the car park of a supermarket often the subject of a MN thread when DS (9) had taken the trolley back to redeem the £1.
Being a bit of a monkey he was trying to put the trolley back "handle to handle" as opposed to slotting it in. I called across to him to put it in right which he did. In the meantime I jumped in the car and drove the short distance for him to get in the car.
As I approached a woman was telling him off saying something along the lines of he shouldn't have spoken to her like that....
I asked what he'd said and she said "He was being cheeky" so I questioned again what exactly he'd said & she just repeated that he was cheeky. So I told her she had no right to tell him off, she said she wasn't and the exchange went on for several minutes with her still refusing to tell me what he'd actually said!!
I asked DS again and basically she'd told him it wasn't nice for him to put the trolley back wrong so in return he'd basically repeated back "well that isn't nice" (her telling him) at which point she had a go at him!
AIBU to think that if she had an issue that the least she could have done was spoken to me but in the grand scheme of things there was absolutely no need for her to say anything to him at all?!

If a kid that young had told me to fuck off/called me an old bitch/said something else equally as rude I would absolutely tell his mum.

Again, this assumption that 9 year old behaviour should be accepted up to the point it's the child saying "fuck off" or similar. Who in their right mind would think that's reasonable?

Oh, god, I hate myself for getting involved in this stuff, but I'm waiting in for a delivery and killing time, so here goes.

OP spies her child dicking about with with the trolleys and tells him to put it right which he does. Everyone happy that the world is still on its axis so far? OP then drives over to child to find that in the meantime a woman has arrived who has spied mild misbehaviour with trolleys, now corrected, and decides to stick her oar in. Embarrassed child responds rather rudely rather than saying, "Yes, you are correct that I was messing around with the trolleys, for which I was reprimanded by my mother and for which I am sorry. As you can see the trolleys are now configured correctly so I hope you are not inconvenienced by my misbehaviour and have a good day. " OP arrives to find two flustered people and tries to find out what is going on, and the woman won't say, beyond the boy was rude to her, which could be anything.

Sounds like OP tried to act reasonably in not immediately assuming anything and trying to get to the bottom of what was said, but probably made heavy weather of it. And the woman wouldn't say because she realised that actually she was being a bit of an interfering nuisance and using the opportunity to have a moan at a child about something that had already been put right. Who knows why? maybe she thinks that parents today are shit at discipling their children and she saw an opportunity to ride her hobby horse. No-one reacted perfectly, but if the original problem (trolleys being mucked about with) had been put right, then maybe the car park woman should have just kept her lip buttoned and saved her attempts to manage the behaviour of someone else's child for an occasion that actually warranted it, eh?

The only time I'd not be ok with someone telling my dc off would be if I'd already dealt with it myself. Op had dealt with the trolley incident so the woman had no need to intervene. Op didn't deal with the subsequent rudeness. But I hardly think he's a horrible little shit (or other description) for being a bit rude. Op, your ds was wrong to be rude. The correct thing to do would have been to make him apologise but respectfully put the point that you'd already dealt with the trolley incident.

Absolute LOL at people taking moral high ground over politeness then calling OP a cunt and her son a shit

^^

As a teacher I had this situation on Monday. I told a Y9 pupil off for tripping another pupil on the stairs deliberately. She shrugged her shoulders and said "bitch". So I on called her, as a result she missed sports day and spent the day in inclusion. So mum phones up to abuse me etc etc etc. I asked her if she felt it was acceptable for her 14 yo daughter to call a woman a bitch. Her response was that I had to earn her daughter's respect. You wonder when parents realise they have done their child a disservice by this ridiculous attitude.

I love the ' respect has to be earned ' posters, as it's always a one way street. " I don't have to show you respect" but god help you if you don't show it to me or my kin !
As this is supermarket related, you only have to look at the number of DCs that are now allowed to stand with their dirty shoes in the shopping trolleys, you would not walk in the house and take your shoes off and put them in the fridge, yet that's what happens when you take your food from one of these trolleys.
I bet OPs one of these ?

Cromwell1536 that is exactly how I see it too (and I also didn't want to get involved but I am procrastinating...)

I do not know if I'd use the words 'cheeky monkey' to describe his behaviour, but I would not say he was an 'obnoxious little shit' as some PP put it! He was doing something wrong, not ideal, but in the grand scheme of things not the end of the world either. His mum told him to do it right and stop messing about, and he did.

The woman sees all this and still wants to tell him off. Not sure why? I do not understand why most of you think that the boy must have done something else/been extremely rude? If any of that would have been the case, she surely would have said so!

Respect is absolutely due to everybody without them having to do anything first to earn it. You might then go on to loose that respect (as indeed your parenting has lost mine) but all people should automatically be given respect

^this 100%

Always assume everyone deserves respect, unless they do something to loose it.

Makes for a much nicer society.

Have had several University students tell me that I have to earn their respect.

Just tell them that as I'm the one who has the power to pass or fail them on that course they need to start earning mine.

When I first started lecturing 20-odd years ago I never encountered that attitude. I guess I now know where it comes from.

Op
Not sure why you posted in Aibu when clearly you don't feel that you were.

"I want my kids to know I have their back" has probably been interpreted by the little darlings to mean " You can do whatever you like , and I'll defend you" .

9 year old "little monkeys" are the scourge of soft play and play parks with their uncontrolled anti social behaviour. My personal feeling is that they turn into 13 year old little shits quite quickly.

Enough has been said in this thread, and it's quite obvious that the 80+ ' YABU' responses are being ignored by the OP in favour of the 3 or 4 other parents ( including mystery new user who is extremely supportive of the OP..hmm) who think 9 year old boys can cause as much trouble as they want .

Can't believe a 9 year old trying to see if the trollies in a supermarket would fix together back to front is anti social behaviour! Only on mumsnet...

It's not.

Answering her back, presumably with an attitude is. You weren't there supervising your child sobyou don't know how it was said.

I know it's a novel idea for some parents to entertain but children do lie sometimes, especially if it means their Mum will believe his versions over an adults.

I have only ever told another child off once in my 11years as a parent, that's because she was on her own, had just threatened to heat my autistic son up and didnt think I'd heard her.

I don't believe for one minute that was all your son was doing. Supervise your nine year old and these events wont occur. Its not rocket science.

*beat not heat.

The woman sees all this and still wants to tell him off. Not sure why? I do not understand why most of you think that the boy must have done something else/been extremely rude? If any of that would have been the case, she surely would have said so!

Random woman is telling 9 year old off in parking lot after a gap in time during which he was unsupervised. It is revealed that the mother has taught her son that adults must earn his respect.

What do you think is the most likely reason that this woman is scolding the boy?

I want my kids to know I have their back

You are their Mum first. Their friend second. Having their back is not the same as teaching them right from wrong.

asked her if she felt it was acceptable for her 14 yo daughter to call a woman a bitch. Her response was that I had to earn her daughter's respect. You wonder when parents realise they have done their child a disservice by this ridiculous attitude.

Disgraceful attitude from that mum Reds. I hope you refuse to teach the child until she learns to respect you.

OP is gone, no doubt teaching her son more valuable lessons about his rights, innit.

Yes this respect thing is ridiculous, respect is earned.

Also this stupidity if someone doesn't show you respect in teenage circles. Usually you looked at them in the wrong way but a slight digression.

Your son has an attitude problem and you really can't see it can you?
Do him a favour and teach him good manners and a nice attitude, preferably by example.

I once politely asked a young teenage boy to stop doing something obviously unhygienic in a shop.

His mum threatened to beat me up for daring speak to her son.

ok then.... I probably should have had more "respect" for him....

Your son has an attitude problem

puzzled where he could possibly get that from...

These kind of parents wind me up. PARENT your goddamn children!

I have an 11yo DD & an 8yo DS with ASD.

I know when they are telling the truth, I know when they are lying, my DD was in trouble recently at school. First time in four years. I made her apologise. Properly. The headteachwr came out to thank me to say it made such a change to have a parent working WITH them instead of arguing the toss about why their child darling is not in the in the wrong when they clearly are.

OP. You wasn't there. Your child is only 9, I have never ever left either of my children in a supermarket 'only for a few minutes' mainly because I had it drilled into me how it only took two for Jamie Bulger to be snatched.

You're smarting because somebody else decided to tell your child not to be rude, I'm sure if the boy had an appropriate adult with him at the time she wouldn't have felt a need to say anything.

Suck it up and get on with your day.

Papa version of events doesn't make sense at all.

She said she was standing by her car when she told the boy to behave. She then got in the car to drive closer to the boy. The OP couldnt hear what was said by the woman or her DS despite being closer to them than the woman would have been at the time OP told her DS to behave yet she is certain the woman had heard OP telling her son to behave. Not sure how that is possible when OP couldn't hear what was being said when she was even closer.

I suspect the truth is being bent to fit the agenda.

Papa version?? OPs version.

nauticant

If a kid that young had told me to fuck off/called me an old bitch/said something else equally as rude I would absolutely tell his mum

Again, this assumption that 9 year old behaviour should be accepted up to the point it's the child saying "fuck off" or similar. Who in their right mind would think that's reasonable?

What does this mean? That a 9 year old can't say or do anything without being bollocked? What sort of behaviour do you mean? I really don't understand. Kids don't behave perfectly (nor do a lot of adults!) Parents should be teaching their kids how to behave. In this situation I don't think OP's son's behaviour was so bad it warranted him being referred to as a little shit on here, or that he'll be in a young offenders institute by the time he's 13. Some behaviour warrants being told off/grounded/bollocked (swearing, name calling etc) and behaviour like in this instance could be dealt with by telling kids not to back chat/be smart/cheeky, and if it continues, dealing with it in a different way.

Your posts reads as any little thing a 9 year old does that doesn't include searing/name calling should be dealt with just as severely, and anyone that doesn't agree should be labelled as unreasonable.

Some of the responses on here are the sort I'd except on the Daily Fail website, ironic given that so many mumsnetters make out they hate the DM!