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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell you to *read* the fucking invite..

420 replies

Bitchfromhell · 20/07/2017 17:59

Major embarrassment narrowly avoided and I'm cringing at what might have happened Blush

Fancy wedding on Saturday, was so excited to get an invitation months ago. Have bought 2 outfits in the sales so can return the one I don't choose on the day. Booked the hairdressers for the morning, even lost a few pounds. We don't get many wedding invites these days and I love a good wedding so admittedly completely over invested Blush

Checked the invite for timings this morning and realised we haven't actually been invited to the whole thing. Just the ceremony at 1pm and then the evening do at 7pm.

I've spent all afternoon imagining us wondering about the fancy venue looking for our seats for the breakfast, being whispered to quietly by the formidable mother of the bride that we shouldn't actually be there. God it would have been awful. These aren't the sort of folk that would laugh it off. We'd have looked like proper dickheads.

Anyway, lesson learned, always read the invitation.

OP posts:
BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 20/07/2017 22:05

It could be your Fil doing it to you Angry. 7 days after your edd with dc5 (double Angry). Over an hour drive away, without traffic (triple Angry). Sorry I'm a wee bit annoyed completely fucking fuming.

Thisismadness · 20/07/2017 22:05

I think I'd have to contact them and say, sorry, your 5 page (FFS) invitation is a little confusing, what am I actually invited to?

Original poster
Bitchfromhell · 20/07/2017 22:05

Oh and yes - I will be going in fancy dress now too! Just to make sure I can tick off all the possible social faux pas Grin

OP posts:
Meandtwo · 20/07/2017 22:06

I can't believe this is a thing??! Beyond rude and crass...

WHY are you even considering going to the ceremony? What a waste of a day... just rock up to the evening part and have the piss up and hog roast - don't waste your time with the ceremony, these people sound like hogs

Astella22 · 20/07/2017 22:09

Wedding greed never ceases to amaze me, it's clearly really rude not to invite someone to dinner if your inviting them to your ceremony.

gingergenius · 20/07/2017 22:10

Good for you @Bitchfromhell - might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and all the fun guests will want to hang out with you instead of listening to speeches!

SweetLuck · 20/07/2017 22:11

Hope you have a great time anyway!

gingergenius · 20/07/2017 22:12

Shall we drive by the reception venue and fling you some m&s sarnies and snacks to keep you going until the hog roast is ready?

Changebagsandgladrags · 20/07/2017 22:15

Oh now I'm thinking about my own wedding.

We had quite a few people who came to the ceremony and the evening do. I think they were only officially invited to the evening, but we had the church as an open invite, since it's a church and anyone can rock up.

I have no idea what they did inbetween...

varvara · 20/07/2017 22:18

Gosh - we did that at our wedding Blush We had a meal in a restaurant for family only, then an informal dance for everybody at night. We're in Scotland btw.

There was no pressure on anyone to attend the service - we just thought folk might like to. Lots did want to but some just came to the dance which was fine. We also had tea and cakes for people in the church hall after the service.

We just couldn't afford to have a sit-down meal for all these people - we would have waited years to get married if we'd saved to pay for that. I didn't know we were being rude or odd Sad

Come to think of it, I've been to quite a few of these weddings - never found it strange.

ifimbreathingimwinning · 20/07/2017 22:20

We actually did this 5 years ago. Had just had IVF and was a few weeks pregnant and had to do pesseries twice a day - the second one was due during the evening do so I had planned to go in the car and do what needed to be done.

I had seen that the invite was for church ceremony and evening and assumed the reception too as I had never been to the actual wedding ceremony and not been invited to the follow up reception. Had another friend there who had assumed we were invited too so followed them. Looking at the table plan hubby and I realised we shouldn't be there. We lived an hour and half away so decided to go home and stop off at a posh pub on the way and then go home and I could do the pessary in the comfort of my bed.

We didn't go back for the evening do as the journey was too much for me to do in one day. Bride never mentioned not seeing us at the evening do. I don't regret not going back for the evening do but I do regret posting the card with money in it at the reception we weren't invited to! I even contemplated trying to get it back before we left! Lol

EssieTregowan · 20/07/2017 22:21

This is batshit.

If the invitations say 'ceremony at church and then afterwards at hotel' then 99% of the evening guests will take it they are invited to the breakfast.

Does the MoB know the guest list? Perhaps she was taking your DH's cue about having time to kill, and doesn't actually have the foggiest which bit you're invited to.

Fgs just send the bride a quick text and say 'I'm second guessing myself having re read the invitation, just wanted to confirm we are attending the whole thing?'

Petalflowers · 20/07/2017 22:22

When I got married in the early 90s, that was the norm. IE. You invited family and close friends to the Wedding Breakfast, ie. Meal straight after the wedding, and then wider friends, work colleagues etc to the evening reception. The Wedding Breakfast tended to be more formal, a sit down meal, speeches etc, whilst the evening was more relaxed - disco, buffet etc.

(Haven't read all,thread, so sorry if this has been said already)

GColdtimer · 20/07/2017 22:33

Honestly why can't people just phone or text and say, "it's a bit unclear, could you tell us what bits we are invited to. Don't want to make a massive faux pas Smile". Just ask for goodness sake. I reckon 80% if MN threads would not need to be posted of people just communicated a bit more Grin

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 20/07/2017 22:34

We sent out evening invitations also stating that they were welcome to join us at the church for the ceremony. It was local guests like DH's colleagues and our neighbours. They were perfectly entitled to go to the ceremony anyway so we felt it was nicer to draw their attention to it. Some chose one over the other, no biggie.
I think presenting it in that way is clear and fair and I wouldn't have done it to anyone who would have to travel.

It was hard enough finding a venue for 100 anyway, and not worth hiring a larger corporate type venue for 170 for the sake of an extra 10 or so guests.

It is unfair if you do it to guests that are travelling away from home and have no base, or ambiguously present it as an invitation to the wedding with a chunk missing out of the middle. I'm also not keen on huge gaps between the ceremony and reception so you're kept hanging around for hours while the couple fannies around with location photography. (At least warn the guests so they can plan their time accordingly.)

Gwenhwyfar · 20/07/2017 22:36

"Why on earth do people do this to their guests? What on earth do they think their guests are going to do for the intervening 5 (?) hours. "

I've had 3 wedding invitations like this, only one in this country.
In all cases I lived locally. I don't think people travelling long distances are generally given this kind of invitation.
You could argue that it's rude, but no more so than inviting people just to the evening disco or having a gift list, both of which are accepted practice.

SexandDrugsandaNiceCuppa · 20/07/2017 22:39

DH and I were once invited to a ceremony only - not only did we not make the cut for the reception, we didn't make the cut for the evening do either! And it wasn't a case of "oh do come along to the church if you're free" - we received an actual invitation through the post, (and a gift list!), but after the details of the church, time to arrive etc, there was nothing else on the invitation. We went DH made us go and it was all over for us in 40 minutes. Most peculiar.

Slimthistime · 20/07/2017 22:59

Gwen "don't think people travelling long distances are generally given this kind of invitation."

I can confirm that those of travelling far enough to need a hotel have had this kind of invite. I was only daft enough to attend one of these. Never again.

Fink · 20/07/2017 22:59

This is definitely a thing, happened to ex-h and me. We hung around for hours in Oxford (the nearest town, although nowhere near the actual wedding, which was in the middle of the countryside) in our party clothes then couldn't be arsed any more and just sacked it off and went home. We'd been given something like 7 or 8 hours to kill. I felt a bit bad having RSVP-ed and then not gone to the evening do (although we'd gone to the ceremony itself and given gift) but it wasn't catered so I doubt it actually inconvenienced them.

Notcontent · 20/07/2017 23:12

Surely I can't be the only person who is completely baffled by this whole concept of inciting people to different parts of your wedding????

I am an Australian living in the UK. I have been to a posh wedding here in the UK and it was just like the ones in Oz - afternoon ceremony followed by dinner, drinks, etc and everyone was invited to the whole thing...

CorbynsBumFlannel · 20/07/2017 23:20

I would have been extremely uncomfortable on my wedding day to be swanning off to my.reception with the a-list guest knowing that loads of my other guests would be hanging around for hours. I couldn't have done it. If you have to have a wedding like that you haven't saved up for your wedding yet imo.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/07/2017 23:23

"it's clearly really rude not to invite someone to dinner if your inviting them to your ceremony."

Why is it any more rude than inviting someone just to the evening do or having a list telling people what gifts you want? You're just used to one way of doing it.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 20/07/2017 23:27

All of those things are rude.

Notknownatthisaddress · 20/07/2017 23:38

Agree with 'corbynsbumflannel.'

Notknownatthisaddress · 20/07/2017 23:38

Surely I can't be the only person who is completely baffled by this whole concept of inciting people to different parts of your wedding????

@notcontent no it's not just you who thinks it's odd to invite people to different parts of your wedding. As someone said upthread, people should invite EVERYone, even if it's just punch and snacks in the local social club, rather than Class A, Class B, and Class shite guests...

A few people have said that it's 'common in their culture' to go and see someone married in the local Church, and then just go to the night do later. Apparently, many people go to watch the couple get married, but don't go to the reception, but then go to the night do.

Well yeah, that was probably a 'thing' pre-1980's, or in old-fashioned country hick villages where everyone knows everyone, and the Church is 5-15 minutes walk from most people who are going.

But it's a different story when the guests invited only to the ceremony and the night do, are travelling 100's of miles, being expected to pay for travel, accommodation, and a gift for the couple, and the couple haven't got the decency to cater for them, and make them feel part of the wedding. And on top of that, they are made to wait around for 5 or 6 hours with nothing to do, until they are 'allowed' into the night do. I would feel like a fucking second class citizen if someone did this to me!

It's fine to pop to the local Church to see a local couple get married, and then pop to the village hall for the night do a few hours later. But being dragged 100s of miles away to see the ceremony, then being excluded from the reception, and having to hang around in a strange town for 5 or 6 hours, while the first-class guests get to eat a 3 or 4 course meal, with drinks and seating, and warmth and hospitality included, is completely different. You are basically treating the 'Ceremony and night-do only' guests like shit.