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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell you to *read* the fucking invite..

420 replies

Bitchfromhell · 20/07/2017 17:59

Major embarrassment narrowly avoided and I'm cringing at what might have happened Blush

Fancy wedding on Saturday, was so excited to get an invitation months ago. Have bought 2 outfits in the sales so can return the one I don't choose on the day. Booked the hairdressers for the morning, even lost a few pounds. We don't get many wedding invites these days and I love a good wedding so admittedly completely over invested Blush

Checked the invite for timings this morning and realised we haven't actually been invited to the whole thing. Just the ceremony at 1pm and then the evening do at 7pm.

I've spent all afternoon imagining us wondering about the fancy venue looking for our seats for the breakfast, being whispered to quietly by the formidable mother of the bride that we shouldn't actually be there. God it would have been awful. These aren't the sort of folk that would laugh it off. We'd have looked like proper dickheads.

Anyway, lesson learned, always read the invitation.

OP posts:
runsmidgeOMG · 20/07/2017 23:43

I don't think there's anything wrong with only inviting certain guests to essentially the party bit in the evening, you're not asking they take a huge chunk of their day to loiter around for it after watching the ceremony. An invite to an evening do is the same as an invite to an evening birthday party.. the host will more than likely have had a smaller affair with their nearest and dearest and wanted a huge party later... doesn't effect anyone. A ceremony then 5hour+ wait is quite selfish.

Flyinggeese · 20/07/2017 23:47

This is honestly appalling OP! I'm embarrassed for them! Loving the idea of eating a pizza within sight of the a listers and top table.

By the way the MOB said 'shucks?' Is she American? I think if so then she will be equally confused by the set up.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/07/2017 23:48

"All of those things are rude."

Don't be silly. All those things are well established in this country. You might consider them rude if you'd never come across them before, but that's all.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/07/2017 23:52

"I don't think there's anything wrong with only inviting certain guests to essentially the party bit in the evening, you're not asking they take a huge chunk of their day to loiter around for it "

As mentioned before, the ceremony and evening do invitation is usually for local guests.
In any case the loitering can happen even with just an evening invitation. I know of one example when a guest got a lift with other guests, but the others were invited to the meal and one of them only to the evening do. The evening only guest had to entertain himself for a few hours. Personally, I wouldn't travel to an evening do, but people make different choices.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 21/07/2017 00:01

I think you need to outright ask the bride. Whoever you texted may not know the minute details of the guest list.
And afterwards never has a time on it because you are expected to just head to the venue after the ceremony that DOES suggest you are invited to the whole thing. The separate evening slip is there because they are having evening only guests who didn't get the day invitation.

Ask outright you need to.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/07/2017 00:05

I do love your idea of going in fancy dress - a la Bridget Jones, maybe? Bunny girls wear bowties, don't they? Grin

I've mentioned this on a previous thread like this, I was once asked to sing in the choir at the church ceremony (friends getting married were in the same choir as me and the rest of those who were asked to sing) - all the other singers bar me and one other were invited to whole wedding, but she and I were only invited to evening do later. It was a bit rude, tbh. OK, a lot. I only went back because of other friends there, and I knew I'd have a good time - but got to the hotel too early, and me and other "low-life-only-good-for-singing" friend had to sit outside the main area while they finished the fucking speeches! We weren't even allowed in for that!

stonecircle · 21/07/2017 00:07

Surely MoB may not have a complete list in her head of exactly who's coming to what, so may have just assumed when your DH said you weren't doing anything after the ceremony that you hadn't been invited to that bit? Unless she's in charge of the guest list that is? I think I'd have been a bit more direct in my questioning and would have wanted to get across how confusing the invite is!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 21/07/2017 01:04

You need to ask the Bride directly.

Your DH's question was ambiguous & he stated he had nothing to do. There are several reasons why she might have replied as she did.

It is FAR less rude to phone the bride and ask which bits you are invited to, then having RSVP'd, not turn up,when you are expected.

user1499333856 · 21/07/2017 01:09

Not extending an invite to the entire day is as common as muck. Bite the bullet or organize the day within your means. Ludicrous and entitled. I wouldn't go to any part day invite whatsoever. Crass.

littlejeopardy · 21/07/2017 01:20

I invited some of my guests to the ceremony and then the evening do. Which I never thought of as strange until reading this thread.

But I am a part of the church where we got married and so everyone at church was welcomed to attend the ceremony even if they weren't invited to the rest of the do. And everyone invited to the evening were locals. Anyone travelling was invited to the whole thing.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/07/2017 01:33

So bloody rude. Come see me get married, buy me a gift, then hang around for six hours and come for a drink in the evening so I don't have to feed you.

I agree. Glad this doesn't happen here. It's awful.

Caterina99 · 21/07/2017 02:36

OP that is not clear at all. Looks to me like they've accidentally sent you an evening invite as well as an all day one?

If you're close enough to the bride for her to be chatting to you about lamb then just text and ask her!? Your DHs message was not remotely clear and MIL probably doesn't have a clue

emmyrose2000 · 21/07/2017 02:43

Here in the States, everyone is invited to the whole thing, or not at all. There is no A list and B list

I'm not in the UK or the US, but it's the norm to invite everyone to everything here too. By "everything" I mean there is a ceremony followed by a reception. No separate "evening do" for the z-listers.

Either scale things back so you can invite everyone you want, or don't invite so many people in the first place. They seem to manage doing it that way in most other countries, so I've no idea why the UK has adopted such a rude custom. It's not the slightest bit presumptuous to expect the B&G to treat you decently and provide the same level of hospitality to everyone they've invited to their wedding. It IS presumptuous to think you can so obviously divide people into A and B list.

In OP's shoes, I wouldn't be wasting my time and resources on any part of this. The B&G have made it crystal clear that you're not important to them, so why waste your time on them? Maybe if they hadn't wasted so much money on a five page invitation, they'd have been able to afford to invite everyone to the reception.

Whichwayyisup · 21/07/2017 04:14

Seriously why are you even going? It is so unbelievably rude

KoalaDownUnder · 21/07/2017 04:32

Paying for a wedding breakfast is astonishingly expensive, and to expect to be fed a three course meal at the bride and groom's expense is pretty damn presumptive.

  1. It doesn't have to be 'astonishingly expensive'
  1. It doesn't have to be 3 courses
  1. Expecting your hosts to offer you the same refreshments as all their other guests after you've turned up to celebrate their wedding is 'presumptive'? Now I've heard it all.

You would have to be seriously lacking in manners and hosting skills to think this way.

emmyrose2000 · 21/07/2017 04:43

I agree with KoalaDownUnder.

Ceebs85 · 21/07/2017 05:11

When I've had reception invites its sometimes just been ' we're getting married here at this time if you'd like to come and watch' not a formal invite and it's been made clear that it's an evening invitation.

The way it's been presented to you sounds bloody rude. I'm not sure I'd be going at all? Is it far away? I'd be responding with a reply that made it clear I'd just realised I wasn't invited to it all and wasn't prepared to hang around like a dickhead all day waiting for a shit buffet and a disco!

Stressalot42 · 21/07/2017 05:39

I had this last year, didn't go to the ceremony. Sorry, you want me to get dressed up, post for photos, then piss off home for six hours whilst others are enjoying themselves? Nah!

PP sums it up

A special kind of entitlement has risen up about weddings in the past decade or so. So much that exceptional rudeness is now seen as normal by many people

yikesanotherbooboo · 21/07/2017 05:40

I am British and find every wedding thread utterly amazing!
Normal wedding -church followed by reception which depending on time of day will probably morph into a dance of some sort ( all attended by everyone )
Perfectly fine alternatives: country house wedding.. everyone goes to everything
Or registry office with perhaps just close bridal party but all guests to convene at reception
If bride is from close local church community of course anyone can go and see her off at church but no invitation is required
As far as evening dos are concerned ; i think it is probably acceptable to invite friends or colleagues who live nearby to an evening function as long as they don't have to travel or stay in a hotel and as long as they are fed.
Asking for presents in an invitation is rude... by all means have a list of things you might like set up so that if people ask you can pass on the information .
That's my twopennethworth !
OP I would have been as confused as you !

Tastesjustlikecherrycola85 · 21/07/2017 07:28

This happened with a friend, we were invited but partners had to 'go away' for a few hours and the venue was in the middle of nowhere. I said that's fine, but if I have come with my partner I will be going with him and then coming back with him later and that didn't go down well and I was being selfish Hmm As it transpires, the buffet "afternoon tea" ran out and the last two tables didn't get anything to eat and I went and had lovely fish and chips Grin

paradoxicalInterruption · 21/07/2017 07:42

First wedding I set to after uni was like this. Group of uni friends, some of whom made A list, I was in the B list. Watched wedding, went to pub, got a bit pissed, had a laugh and came back.

Joined In with much soberer wedding group ....our attempts to suddenly sober up were probably noted.

Go do something fun for the afternoon and come back for the party.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/07/2017 08:52

OMG. How cringeworthy would that have been.

However if I wasn't invited all day. I wouldn't go at all. Im an all or non person. I always have been.
They either want you there or they don't.

DixieNormas · 21/07/2017 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuppyMonkey · 21/07/2017 09:56

I bet you're not the only one to be confused OP. I would be tempted to hang around outside the reception venue looking all lost and forlorn and hungry. Wink

EssieTregowan · 21/07/2017 09:58

This thread is really stressing me out.

If the invitation said 'ceremony at church and then afterwards at hotel' the the OP IS INVITED TO THE WHOLE THING.

It sounds like the MoB was led by the DH saying they'd be at a loose end and has NO IDEA WHO'S ON THE GUEST LIST.

I'm spending far too much headspace on worrying about this.

OP, please, for the sake of my sanity, speak to the bride.