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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell you to *read* the fucking invite..

420 replies

Bitchfromhell · 20/07/2017 17:59

Major embarrassment narrowly avoided and I'm cringing at what might have happened Blush

Fancy wedding on Saturday, was so excited to get an invitation months ago. Have bought 2 outfits in the sales so can return the one I don't choose on the day. Booked the hairdressers for the morning, even lost a few pounds. We don't get many wedding invites these days and I love a good wedding so admittedly completely over invested Blush

Checked the invite for timings this morning and realised we haven't actually been invited to the whole thing. Just the ceremony at 1pm and then the evening do at 7pm.

I've spent all afternoon imagining us wondering about the fancy venue looking for our seats for the breakfast, being whispered to quietly by the formidable mother of the bride that we shouldn't actually be there. God it would have been awful. These aren't the sort of folk that would laugh it off. We'd have looked like proper dickheads.

Anyway, lesson learned, always read the invitation.

OP posts:
WeeM · 20/07/2017 20:30

I have only ever heard of this on MN, never heard of it before then. I think it's really odd-no way I'd be hanging about for 6 hrs! Traditionally I'd say it's fine for people to pop along to the church to see the ceremony but I don't think this would ever be in an invite-it's just something that people did if it was local.
The fact that your invite says 'and then afterwards at' with 7pm is really confusing. If it was me I would call the hotel, ask to speak to the wedding coordinator and ask if they have a copy of the table plan and to confirm whether your names are on it as you have found the invite is unclear. That way you will know for sure and the bride will never need to know, avoiding any awkward conversations!

StealthPolarBear · 20/07/2017 20:32

Yes I seriously think you risk not turning up when you were expected.
Do you know anyone else going? What did they get and what do they think

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 20/07/2017 20:33

I'd call and ask: oh so where exactly should we meet you at the Posh Hotel after your lunch/ breakfast thing?

Lunde · 20/07/2017 20:33

Went to one of these over 25 years ago - it was just awful

  • went to the wedding (40 minutes away) at 2.30
  • then at 3.30 the 20 or so "evening only guests" (out of around 300+) had to get lost until the evening party started at 7.30.
  • It was a Sunday afternoon over 25 years ago so very little was open - even the pubs were shut
  • so having got lost and only finding a tea room for a currant bun we rolled up at the reception for the evening party at the appointed hour
  • however the meal had overrun by an hour and the venue staff would not allow us in the banquet room with the "real guests" - we just had to stand and wait
  • no food or drink was on offer or available to purchase - instead we had to stay in another room watching the "real guests" eating and drinking (no expense spared) through a window
  • eventually the evening do started an hour late - then we were told that we had to buy our drinks and were not allowed to use the tables/chairs in the main room but had to return to the next-door window room if we wanted to sit down. We were very much the poor relations looking in at the wedding
  • at 10pm tea was served with a mini scone or cake - no buffet so that became our dinner
  • at 11 we snuck out because we needed to find some food, had work the next day and were not feeling welcome

My lasting impression was that I would never do this as it came over as very mean that the wedding party served a lavish banquet for over 300 but treated a small number of evening guests like crap

MirandaWest · 20/07/2017 20:33

I've been invited to the ceremony and evening do - was 18 years ago so has been happening for a while.

Have been married twice and everyone came to everything Smile

StealthPolarBear · 20/07/2017 20:34

" I would call the hotel, ask to speak to the wedding coordinator and ask if they have a copy of the table plan and to confirm whether your names are on it"
Brilliant idea, though they may refuse to tell you

MirandaWest · 20/07/2017 20:34

Actually this happened at another wedding I went to - that one was 19 years ago Grin

kaytee87 · 20/07/2017 20:34

I'm more embarrassed for the couple. Imagine expecting people to go and do their own thing & feed themselves etc after the ceremony and then come later to the reception.

MsHarry · 20/07/2017 20:36

You don't need to know the time of the meal because it is 'afterwards' meaning after the wedding ceremony that you will be at. There isn't normally a time given.It is strange though to then put the evening details in as you don't need them if you are already there. Ring the hotel.

crazycatgal · 20/07/2017 20:36

Why is this a thing nowadays? If it was me I wouldn't bother, you're going to have to faff around for hours or go home and come back.

abilockhart · 20/07/2017 20:36

Was invited to a friend's wedding and arranged to stay in the same hotel as a mutual friend and get a taxi down to the wedding together. About a week before I got an email from the mutual friend saying that he'd double checked the invite and we were invited to the ceremony and the evening do but not the reception and what should we do in between? Checked my invite and turns out DW and I were invited to the full thing but not friend. Awkward.

What made it worse was that it was a 'country house' type wedding so those not invited to the reception either had to hang around in the bar for hours while everyone else enjoyed the meal or fork out for a taxi to the nearest town and then back again later.

OMG Shock

NonnoMum · 20/07/2017 20:37

Bring chips to the ceremony.

PymelaAnderson · 20/07/2017 20:39

Just text the bride and say "Hope you're all sorted for the the wedding now. We're looking forward to it! Just to check as I wasn't sure from the invitation- are we invited to the whole day or is it the ceremony and the evening do?"

Job done.

MarvinKMooney · 20/07/2017 20:40

This has happened to me too. We were invited to a small wedding (20-odd guests) in a hotel. It became apparent before the ceremony was about to start that not everyone was invited to the meal. The ceremony finished, doors opened at the end of the room and a select few were invited through. It felt very awkward, and we slunk away to the pub. If the wording on the invitation had been clearer we would perhaps have just gone to the evening do - same 20 people, half of them already half-cut!

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 20/07/2017 20:41

It sounds to me like you are invited to the whole thing...

Surely there's someone you can ask

BhajiAllTheWay · 20/07/2017 20:42

Sorry to say this is totally a thing now. We've had 3 weddings like this..an invite to the ceremony and an invite to the evening bit. First one we had no idea that there even was a meal after, until we arrived for the evening reception, only to find the function room decked out, the meal still going on and the speeches happening! It had overrun drastically. Someone came out and basically told us to wait in the bar , other evening guests had to do the same.After waiting an hour we were totally fed up,my OH left...it did feel insulting tbh.

ALemonyPea · 20/07/2017 20:42

Why don't you just ask the bride? Say you're confused as you've just checked the invites again.

Willow2017 · 20/07/2017 20:44

God why is everything so complicated now a days?

Back when God was a boy relatives came to wedding and the meal but friends all came to the church anyway and other waited outside to see you come out and local kids were all waiting for the scramble 😀
Then half the village (friends and families) came to the buffet and dance at night. It was a celebration not a showing off who could put on the best show, have the best dinner or evening do. If you were invited to the wedding you came to the meal no exceptions nobody was rude enough to expect guests to faff about for hours before the dancing😀

lazyarse123 · 20/07/2017 20:45

It sounds like a sheet is missing from your invite, I would ring the hotel as has been suggested. But personally I don't like these kinds of invitations.

Original poster
Bitchfromhell · 20/07/2017 20:45

Ok, asking. Cos we had to rsvp too and I can't remember doing that before for just an evening do.

Dh is texting mother of the bride because she loves him.

OP posts:
EssieTregowan · 20/07/2017 20:47

So the invitation says something like

'Wedding ceremony 1pm at St Snogworths

And afterwards at Nobby Hall'

And then inside it says 'Evening reception at Nobby Hall at 7pm'.

You've been invited to the whole thing. Honestly, you have.

GherkinSnatch · 20/07/2017 20:53

Yeah you've been invited to the whole thing. I'll be amazed if the Mother of the bride says otherwise.

Girty999 · 20/07/2017 20:53

When I got married the people who came to church came for the meal and stayed for the evening the evening only people still got buffet and the chance to see me drunk the lucky buggers x

Booooooooooooooobies · 20/07/2017 20:53

One of my friends was a bridesmaid at a wedding. She was of course invited to the whole thing, but her poor husband was only invited to the ceremony and evening do, with 7 hours to kill in between, all on his own. In a completely new city where he knew no one. I thought that very rude!

lazycrazyhazy · 20/07/2017 20:54

Going to be shot down I suspect but (as I'm an old fart) I feel justified in saying that in the olden days when we all stuck to much derided "etiquette" these misunderstandings did not occur as everyone understood what the wording meant.

If it's a traditionally worded invitation and those words are there "afterwards at" then you are invited to the whole thing. There is a separate evening invitation from which I infer that there will be additional guests joining. You get to wear your glad-rags!