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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell you to *read* the fucking invite..

420 replies

Bitchfromhell · 20/07/2017 17:59

Major embarrassment narrowly avoided and I'm cringing at what might have happened Blush

Fancy wedding on Saturday, was so excited to get an invitation months ago. Have bought 2 outfits in the sales so can return the one I don't choose on the day. Booked the hairdressers for the morning, even lost a few pounds. We don't get many wedding invites these days and I love a good wedding so admittedly completely over invested Blush

Checked the invite for timings this morning and realised we haven't actually been invited to the whole thing. Just the ceremony at 1pm and then the evening do at 7pm.

I've spent all afternoon imagining us wondering about the fancy venue looking for our seats for the breakfast, being whispered to quietly by the formidable mother of the bride that we shouldn't actually be there. God it would have been awful. These aren't the sort of folk that would laugh it off. We'd have looked like proper dickheads.

Anyway, lesson learned, always read the invitation.

OP posts:
WarwickAlice · 20/07/2017 19:53

I fail to see why it is rude to invite people to the ceremony and then the evening do, not the breakfast.

If I invited you to the evening do only, then you still wouldn't 'get fed'. Why is that any less rude than inviting someone to the ceremony and the evening do? The same amount of travelling and investment is needed to attend an evening do as for the whole day.

Paying for a wedding breakfast is astonishingly expensive, and to expect to be fed a three course meal at the bride and groom's expense is pretty damn presumptive.

Maybe I'm in a minority, but I'd say the most important part of a wedding day is the ceremony, and evening guests should be free to attend that if they want to, and if the couple wants them to. There's no obligation in any of it: if you don't want to 'hang around' for hours, then don't; just come to the evening do, or don't come at all.

Mumsnut · 20/07/2017 19:54

Do pop back to let us know how you get on.

Or we could hold a virtual piss-up on here.

Original poster
Bitchfromhell · 20/07/2017 19:55

corbyns I think everyone got the same invitation folder type thing with lots of inserts, it just says we are invited to a wedding on the front with the time and place of the service. It then says and afterwards at "Fancy Posh" hotel with no time. But inside we don't have details of that just a 7pm black tie evening do at said hotel.

They are definitely having a sit down meal in the afternoon as I've chatted with the bride about the menu. She wasn't sure if lamb would be well received as lots of people don't like it. Shock

OP posts:
Jivebunny89 · 20/07/2017 19:57

I absolutely hate those weddings. Just shows that you're a B-list guest. Had to buy my own sandwich in a cafe while waiting. Also travelled for a couple of hours to be there, so had to get the last train home, by which time I had been at the evening do for a whole hour.

At my wedding I decided to invite everyone to everything, and keep it smaller. Rather than saying to friends "I like you, but not enough to buy you dinner".

StealthPolarBear · 20/07/2017 19:58

" It then says and afterwards at "Fancy Posh" hotel"
Youre invited to the meal. No time is because it'll be after the ceremony and photos etc are done. You'll be there anyway, don't need to know what time.

Notknownatthisaddress · 20/07/2017 19:58

@whenloveandcakecollide

Here in the States, everyone is invited to the whole thing, or not at all. There is no A list and B list.

Same here. Every wedding I have ever been to has invited me to the ceremony, the reception (wedding breakfast,) and then the night do later on.

On several occasions, there has just been the ceremony and reception. No night do. But the wedding has been at 4pm-ish, then the reception at 6pm-ish (after the ceremony and photos etc,) and it's consisted of a meal in a restaurant or country pub with music playing, or a band playing. So, making it a bit of a 'do' IYSWIM.

I know being invited to just bits of a wedding does happen though.

Me personally, I wouldn't go if I was invited only to a wedding 'night do.' I would expect to be invited to the whole wedding, or nothing. All this '40 comes to the whole lot,' (ceremony, reception, and night do,) 'the next 40 comes to just the ceremony and the night do,' and 'the next 40 just comes to the night do' is quite vulgar I think, as it's telling people how important (or not important) they are to the married couple.

JMO.

StealthPolarBear · 20/07/2017 19:59

If it says and afterwards at fancy pants hotel that is your invitation to the wedding breakfast

RhubardGin · 20/07/2017 20:00

Maybe it's a regional thing but I've never heard of this.

All the weddings I've been too have either been a day invite or a night invite. Never heard of an invite where you would watch the ceremony, go home, then come back for the evening do Confused

CorbynsBumFlannel · 20/07/2017 20:00

Evening invitations are rude imo. At no other event do you separate guests by importance.
This is even ruder because you are expecting people to kick their heels for hours dressed up or go home and come back.
Very odd to say it's presumptive to expect to be fed when you've been invited to something that takes up your whole day. Surely it's more cheeky to invite people, expect them to pay travel, possibly accommodation, outfits, gifts etc for YOUR wedding and not even have the courtesy to save up enough money so that you can cater for them!

TheMysteriousJackelope · 20/07/2017 20:01

Alexander Well at least you weren't separated out into A and B list friends as seems to be the norm in the UK.

The US weddings I have been to have everyone invited to the whole celebration. If someone can only afford punch and cake in the church hall, that is what they do, but they certainly don't do this immature Facebook type thing of 'Yipeee! you made the friend cut', or give someone the equivalent of an unfollow when it comes to which parts of the day you get to go to.

If you don't know someone well enough to invite them to the reception, you don't know them well enough to expect them to dress up, buy you a gift, and turn out on a cold night to buy their own drinks in your honor at the local Hilton.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 20/07/2017 20:03

Is the sit down meal in the same venue as the evening do? It does sound like you could be invited buy it isn't clear...

RhubardGin · 20/07/2017 20:04

How do you know you've not been invited to the meal?

Are you completely sure you've read it correctly?

If an invite came and it said the ceremony time I would assume I had been invited all day.

I'm getting married soon and this whole concept has baffled me 😂

LellyMcKelly · 20/07/2017 20:07

I went to a wedding like that. It was really cringey. I had another friend who had about 60 for the whole day - lovely ceremony, beautiful food, lots of wine and champagne...all done and dusted by 7pm and they went off on their honeymoon. It was perfect! I wish I'd done that. I was knackered by 7pm at mine.

cushioncovers · 20/07/2017 20:08

Wow things have changed since my day. You were either invited to the whole thing or just the evening do. Can't believe people invite guests to watch them get married then basically tell some of them to go home and come back later and take the rest to the afternoon meal Confused seems weird to me.

MsSusanStoHelit · 20/07/2017 20:13

Just another person chiming in to say a) I have experienced this and b) yes it is appallingly rude. Especially for anyone who has to do any travelling at all.

I've been to one where we were evening only and the bride said to us privately "we'd have loved you to the whole thing but we had to draw a line at work friends, but if you'd like to come to the ceremony only as well it's at X time" which I thought was OK, but that was less than a mile from my actual house, so.

apostropheuse · 20/07/2017 20:22

I think evening only invitations are crass. All guests should be treated equally, even if it means cutting down numbers or having a simpler event.

I just wouldn't attend.

NotDavidTennant · 20/07/2017 20:25

Was invited to a friend's wedding and arranged to stay in the same hotel as a mutual friend and get a taxi down to the wedding together. About a week before I got an email from the mutual friend saying that he'd double checked the invite and we were invited to the ceremony and the evening do but not the reception and what should we do in between? Checked my invite and turns out DW and I were invited to the full thing but not friend. Awkward.

What made it worse was that it was a 'country house' type wedding so those not invited to the reception either had to hang around in the bar for hours while everyone else enjoyed the meal or fork out for a taxi to the nearest town and then back again later.

The bride and groom are both lovely people so I'm not sure what possessed them to pull such a dick move.

lougle · 20/07/2017 20:26

It then says and afterwards at "Fancy Posh" hotel with no time.

It doesn't say the time because you go there after the ceremony, once photos are done. You're invited all day.

MsHarry · 20/07/2017 20:28

I've never heard of this. When I got married 21 years ago, we sent full wedding invitations and evening celebration invitations. Some people that were evening guests, came along in the day and sat at the back of the church as is customary. I wouldn't have invited them to the church and not the meal etc as anyone can come to the church, without invitation.

Original poster
Bitchfromhell · 20/07/2017 20:28

stealth et al, it says 7pm on the inside bit. I think they've made the cover generic/ambiguous so they don't have to shell out for separate invitations. Maybe.

I'm back to phoning in sick..

OP posts:
lougle · 20/07/2017 20:28

You need to phone your friend to double check, then tell us all that you were wrong and you are invited all day Grin

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/07/2017 20:29

The only way to do it is to word it as "You are invited to a reception to celebrate the marriage of..... " with the details of the evening reception. Then at the bottom "If you would like attend the ceremony you would be very welcome. It is being held at....."

Anything else is crass.

isittheholidaysyet · 20/07/2017 20:29

I would say it was normal. Maybe because I've always been a Church goer. Everyone turns up for the service if they can, it's a public event. We all gather to pray for the couple and see them make their vows, that's the important bit. (Obviously if it's in a ridiculously tiny Church, then you make sure invited guests go in first.)

Then the evening do exists for all those people you would love to have at your wedding/who would love to come to your wedding, but are just beyond the numbers. Of course there are b-list guests, why would anyone think there isn't?

I think if you are inviting people from a distance then they need to be invited to the whole day, but locals can come to the service, go home, and come back later to party.

I've travelled miles before to attend the weddings of friends, even if not invited to any part of the party, it's just the way it works.

From reading here, it sounds like it's just a church thing then, but trust me, in my culture, it's normal.

MsHarry · 20/07/2017 20:29

Sounds to me like traditional wedding invitation wording. 'Afterwards' refers to after the church.

lougle · 20/07/2017 20:29

You'll be more embarrassed if she asks you why you didn't come to her wedding....

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