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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell you to *read* the fucking invite..

420 replies

Bitchfromhell · 20/07/2017 17:59

Major embarrassment narrowly avoided and I'm cringing at what might have happened Blush

Fancy wedding on Saturday, was so excited to get an invitation months ago. Have bought 2 outfits in the sales so can return the one I don't choose on the day. Booked the hairdressers for the morning, even lost a few pounds. We don't get many wedding invites these days and I love a good wedding so admittedly completely over invested Blush

Checked the invite for timings this morning and realised we haven't actually been invited to the whole thing. Just the ceremony at 1pm and then the evening do at 7pm.

I've spent all afternoon imagining us wondering about the fancy venue looking for our seats for the breakfast, being whispered to quietly by the formidable mother of the bride that we shouldn't actually be there. God it would have been awful. These aren't the sort of folk that would laugh it off. We'd have looked like proper dickheads.

Anyway, lesson learned, always read the invitation.

OP posts:
beekeeper17 · 21/07/2017 10:02

It's stressing me out too @EssieTregowan! I keep thinking of all those other guests who think they have or haven't been invited to the whole thing and of people turning up expecting to be fed and they're not meant to be there, or people not turning up and the bride and groom wondering where they all are!!

I'm hoping the bride has stumbled across this thread and is going to clear up the confusion with the guests!!

I have to know if you're definitely invited or not!!

ShowMeWhatYouGot · 21/07/2017 10:05

I have never heard of this either? I thought it was all day or just the evening reception! Seems kinda rude to invite people to watch you get married, then expect them to go away for a few hours and come back later?

flownthecoopkiwi · 21/07/2017 10:16

can I just ask, where is the other thread about the save the date and the lack of actual invite?

ALSO, I would think ceremony and hotel was the complete wedding too!

SparklyMagpie · 21/07/2017 10:16

Just ask the bride. Its not your fault the invitation is confusing

PuppyMonkey · 21/07/2017 10:18

I have actually heard of this - but only through a similar thread on MN a couple of weeks ago.

lazycrazyhazy · 21/07/2017 10:29

Yikes I'm totally with you, I think we need a bit of a campaign for plain English in invitations. That invitation is perfectly, clearly, traditionally, worded and if it means anything other than they're invited to the whole thing then it's a travesty. Crucial is the word "afterwards".

If I had received a call from one of my now SonIL's mates I would actually have known who was on the list as we were involved (DD2 and I had a lot of fun doing it as her DH only wanted to be involved in the details of music, food and wine) but I wouldn't have had a clue who was coming to what when DD1 got married as they did it all themselves, so that's a good point. Though actually neither of my married DC had evening guests bar neighbours.

Every time Debrett's is mentioned on MN there is scathing criticism but you know the old wording of things communicated information clearly so there was no doubt.
For instance I often read engagement announcements in local paper and have no idea which person is the daughter son of which set of parents.

I think somewhere along the line we've lost the genuinely useful etiquette in the sea of petty pedantry.

Itscurtainsforyou · 21/07/2017 10:40

I had this a few years ago. Wedding was a couple of hours away so we had to hang around in a (boring) town from 2pm-7pm.

When we planned our wedding a few years later we invited everyone to all of it (or maybe we had fewer friends!)

MaidOfStars · 21/07/2017 10:53

I definitely agree that it is still not clear to which parts you are invited.

My reading of the wording on the invitation, specifically 'afterwards', means you are invited to the whole day. I think evening invitations would have specified 'later at...'.

I believe you are probably not the only guests confused about this invitation set up. This means the happy couple could be facing empty seats at their wedding breakfast and be completely confused (and saddened) because guests have failed to show.

I actually feel you have a bit of a duty to the couple to make sure they can address the ambiguity with other people who have received the same invitation set as you.

MaidOfStars · 21/07/2017 10:54

And your husband's message to the MOB was anything but clear.

kali110 · 21/07/2017 10:58

Why are you bothering??
I would not do this Confused

StealthPolarBear · 21/07/2017 11:00

I agree that I still think you're invited to the whole thing.
I also think pedantry has its place. Here is one example. I've seen threads where posters say the exact opposite of what they mean (usually missing out a 'not') and accuse me of pedantry when I query it. Well yes, the whole meaning is reversed!

Ginslinger · 21/07/2017 11:54

I agree with everyone who said your DH's message was unhelpful and unclear and I am now over-invested in this and need to know whether or not you are invited to the whole thing.

Original poster
Bitchfromhell · 21/07/2017 12:38

Right, been doing some digging.

Daytime guests are expected at Fancy Posh hotel at 2.30pm. They have received menus and had to select options. We did not get menus Sad mob would have been chasing us for our choices if there had been some sort of mistake and we should have received menus. Ergo; we are still low lives.

I'm not ringing the bride. Not the day before the wedding. I tried to earlier but I just feel like a twat. Instead I phoned a mutual friend, who apparently is going for the whole thing as she received a menu golden ticket.
I'm still going to hover after the service and pointedly say "see you at 7?" on repeat until I get confirmation from someone. Grin

OP posts:
Cuckingfunt1981 · 21/07/2017 12:45

That is so fucking rude . No way would I go to watch someone get married then have to hang around for hours and hours till evening do . I'd just go to evening do . Bloody cheek these fancy weddings nowadays

buntingqueen · 21/07/2017 12:47

TWICE I have been invited to the ceremony, and the evening do, but not the daytime meal. I went to the first, and went to the pub in between, but second time around I had children, who also weren't invited, so I didn't go at all. I know I could have gone to the evening, but I certainly wouldn't pay a babysitter for two split sessions. I found both invites pretty rude. You're either important to the couple, or you're making up numbers, and I can guess which one I was!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/07/2017 12:52

Just go to the evening part?

ludog · 21/07/2017 13:08

This would confuse me as at Irish weddings you most likely would be having the wedding meal at 6ish anyway and the evening invitation would be from around 9pm. We were at a wedding last year where the ceremony was in the same hotel as the reception. Ceremony at 3. There was a drinks reception after that with prosecco as well as tea/coffee and scones while the photos were being taken. We got called in for dinner around 6.30/7. I was hungry at this point and ready for the food. Then the speeches started and no sign of food. The meal finally came out at 8.30 at which point I was almost eating my own arms! We finished the meal after 10 (it was lovely in fairness) but then the evening buffet was brought out at 11!

Sashkin · 21/07/2017 13:11

One of my husband's friends did this - the ceremony was at 12 and lasted about thirty minutes, then they were told to bugger offf until 8pm. Same venue, within M25 but not convenient to get to.

I went home after the ceremony and skipped the evening altogether, husband stayed with his other friends and sat on the local golf course drinking for seven hours. Luckily it was a nice summer's day.

They did this to all of his friends, so we weren't too insulted. It was one of those weddings where the PILs invite everyone they've ever met, and the bride and groom only get a couple of evening invites for their actual friends. Even the Best Man's wife only got an evening invitation.

It's not the way we would ever have done it, but it's their wedding.

theEagleIsLost · 21/07/2017 13:25

I had this happen - didn't click when my then DP now DH got a separate invite which invited him to the whole thing.

I then apparent caused offense by not going to church - as DP got offered a lift and he started dithering about if I was invited to church bit and it might be too full Hmm. So as we'd have had to pay of taxi or walk 6 miles and, then get back by myself, I stopped at hotel by myself which then upset bride and family.

AlmaCogansFrockFan · 21/07/2017 13:53

DH and I were in this situation for our DN's wedding; it was explained that as B & G were paying for it themselves they could only do a reception meal for closest family and friends in wedding party, everyone else just to church and the evening do. Tbf they realised this meant people would be hanging around and they provided a list of places for sightseeing etc but one thing they hadn't thought of was that the pubs in the town centre stopped doing meals at 2 pm and the photos went on for so long that we and another uncle and aunt just missed the deadline! Fortunately we found a pub that served pizzas.
Although I'm fond of bride and groom and understand their plan, I would say in general that this type of invitation would only be hassle-free for locals. We lived 80 miles away and wouldn't have gone to the evening do at all but for an invitation to stay overnight from DH's sister and we're glad we went!

stonecircle · 21/07/2017 14:07

There may well be others in the same boat op. Let's hope the bride and groom don't suffer the embarrassment of having to turn several guests away from the meal because their invitations weren't clear (and because they've adopted a pretty twattish approach to things). That would be awful for them wouldn't it? Halo

FilledSoda · 21/07/2017 14:34

I was so sure you were mistaken . Why on earth did the invitation say ' afterwards at xxx' ?
It all so rude. By all means invite people to just the evening if you must but just forgo any mention of the ceremony at all. It seems to be well known that the ceremony is a public event anyway if someone wants to witness it.

MsHarry · 21/07/2017 14:38

That is really poor etiquette. What are you supposed to do in the afternoon?

lazycrazyhazy · 21/07/2017 16:54

In a way there are two crimes. The first thinking that's an acceptable plan. The second and greater one is wording it so it is thoroughly misleading! Outrageous. Definitely withhold the present.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 21/07/2017 16:56

Bitchfromhell Why on earth are you going when these people are so rude and thoughtless?

I hope you aren't going to give them the cash I'm guessing they asked for in a cringey little poem...