New mum clubbing

[MrsG841]

A friend of mine has just become a first time mum and her LO is 6 days old.

She messaged a few us to organise going clubbing at weekend.

AIBU to think that she shouldnt think about this at such an early stage?

High five for you TL grin And .... let me guess? There were no disastrous consequences. You and your daughter were, and are, fine? Well, there you go

Nope, no disastrous consequences. Daughter was with her dad who managed to keep her alive for the 5/6 hours I was out and she's reached nearly 16, relatively unscathed, under my terrible lax parenting

The thing is, all this snarky judgement; nobody really cares. By that I mean, the judgey pants bridge don't actually care about the woman or the baby in this situation. It isn't about caring, none of these types of threads are actually about caring or wanting to help or make a difference, or even just understand. Instead it's about sitting in moral judgement and pursing your lips and saying well I would never do something like X, Y or Z, aren't I just better than you. It's tedious and transparent for the most part.

I wonder if a lot of the whinyarses on here are the people with either no DC as yet, or only one. Because people with several kids often have a lot less time to spend staring at their newborn 24/7, and tend to be less fucking martyred about motherhood.

Feminism is not about supporting someone's shitty decision simply because that someone is a woman.

No, but it IS about supporting her right to choose!

There's a reason why that's what most mothers want to do.

Most mothers possibly do. But this lady clearly is not 'most mothers'. I just fail to see the problem TBH.

No, but it IS about supporting her right to choose!

to a point! You don't support a bad parent, being a woman doesn't mean you can be a shit mum and congratulated for that.
Not about this thread, but you wouldn't support a woman abusing her child because "feminism".

Im not being a 'smug' friend at all im a concerned friend that healthwise with a tear and only being 6 days since giving birth it may be 2 much which is the point of this thread

Again i will reiterate i have never said i was going to stop her...yes i suggested to her it may be too early but i never told her she shouldnt go.

I have had both a 3rd degree tear with my DD and a c section with DS so i know how hard it is healing afterwards

Why is it shit parenting if the baby is with its loving father or other doting adult and will take a bottle?

I would maybe volunteer to be one of those who goes too to make sure it is just a genuine wish for a bit of normal life and that nothing is wrong. But it's no good assuming it's anything but a healthy wish to be an adult individual for an evening.

I personally might have chosen a sit down evening in a pub or cafe rather than clubbing when I had a little one but it's not my choice.

In what way could this possibly be 'bad parenting'? The baby is going to be safely cared for by its other parent. Actually, feminism is very much about supporting a woman's right to consider herself a person and not just a parent. It's very important for mothers to have leisure time rather than being expected to sacrifice their lives for their kids.

Being a good friend isn't all about supporting their every decision, hi fiving and saying You go girl. A good friend would surely ask Are you sure you're up to it? Do you think it's a good idea? Shall we do something else?
That's all Op has done, and asked for general opinion on here.

mums should be..staring at their newborns 24/7 (like a martyr) There are other choices between being a martyr and going clubbing 6 days after birth, that's a bit of a silly comment.

MrsG841

You are projecting your own experiences onto your friend.

You've raised your concerns and she has said she feels fine and that this is what she wants to do.

She might want to come home by 10am because it's too much but she/you won't know until the night.

I admit I find it odd and I couldn't manage it myself but everyone's different.

10pm not am!

to a point! You don't support a bad parent, being a woman doesn't mean you can be a shit mum and congratulated for that.
Not about this thread, but you wouldn't support a woman abusing her child because "feminism".

Course you don't: I was referring to the specific matter in hand. She wants to go for a night out. That's all. Shit parenting and child abuse shouldn't even come into it.

So, is it clubbing that's the issue? What if a woman left her baby in the care of it's father to go to an afternoon workshop on landscape gardening? Or to sing in a performance of Bach's St Matthew Passion that she has been rehearsing for the past 6 months?

I had a colleague who left her newborn twins (couple of days old) to come to the firm's annual ball. Not only was she at the ball, she was in an evening dress, hair, makeup, nails done the lot. You wouldn't have known she was newly delivered. Everyone was when she walked in (with her husband I might add) but nobody said anything because, well, none of our business.

My friend's daughter left her 2 week old first born with my friend for a weekend when she and her DH went to a wedding. I was a bit at that, but still, she felt up to it and no harm was done.

We do need to be very careful about rushing to judgement. These women may be "outliers" in terms of their behaviour, but that behaviour isn't necessarily harmful in itself. Personally, I believe that in days gone by, the two week "confinement" period was a boon, enabling a new mother to rest and be taken care of at a time when her physical state was relatively challenged.

Actually, feminism is very much about supporting a woman's right to consider herself a person and not just a parent.

again, to a point. No one is asking women to become baby martyr, but it's ludicrous to pretend things don't change when you have children. It's no longer about you, the children you have chosen to have do come first. It doesn't mean you can't work, travel, have sex or whatever, but it does mean you cannot pretend you are sill a single care-free adult. You are not. If you believe it makes no difference to have kids, then I am afraid you are a shit parent.

again, to a point. No one is asking women to become baby martyr, but it's ludicrous to pretend things don't change when you have children. It's no longer about you, the children you have chosen to have do come first. It doesn't mean you can't work, travel, have sex or whatever, but it does mean you cannot pretend you are sill a single care-free adult. You are not. If you believe it makes no difference to have kids, then I am afraid you are a shit parent.

Sometimes they have to come first. And sometimes they don't. It's all about balance, surely?

BertrandRussell

Replace the word clubbing with Spa and there would be no problem at all.

A woman wants a night out with her friends whilst baby is happy and being cared for by Dad, I'm struggling to see the issue.

the children you have chosen to have do come first

I don't entirely agree with this. Just because you have children you aren't just a parent, you still get to be a person and not just "mum and dad"

It's about finding a balance.

Everyone parents differently but I could never be a parent who's whole life revolves around their children.

If this was a friend of mine, I'd be wondering if she was ok. Because at 6 days after birth, with leaking boobs and lochia and sore bits, I'd say it's quite unusual to feel like a night out clubbing. I'd wonder if she was doing something to make herself feel better that might actually end up making her feel worse. Could you suggest something a bit gentler? A few drinks or a meal close to home?

Replace the word clubbing with Spa and there would be no problem at all.

not true, nothing to do with anything.
It's like having a thread about a woman skydiving whilst pregnant, and replace skydive by Spa. You are not talking about the same thing.

I suppose you're not on your feet for hours at a spa, dancing and getting pissed. Standing about in the cold waiting for a cab in your heels. And it's not at night and you won't be hungover the next day. Those are the main differences. I know what I'd prefer if I'd popped a baby out last Friday.

Haha at popping to the spa with your maternity pads on and your boobs leaking over the massage table. Yes, I'd ask a friend if she was ok if she suggested that.

solomon the op did suggest something but the friend wants to go clubbing.

*Replace the word clubbing with Spa and there would be no problem at all.

not true, nothing to do with anything.
It's like having a thread about a woman skydiving whilst pregnant, and replace skydive by Spa. You are not talking about the same thing.*

That's not comparable. Skydiving whilst pregnant couldd be endangering you and your unborn babies life.

This woman just wants to go out clubbing. She said she feels up to it so what's the issue? She isn't hurting anyone and baby won't know the difference.

At worst she feels tired and sore and wants to come home.