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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think OH is either being a dick or having an affair?

228 replies

Ahardyfool · 19/07/2017 20:03

Point 2 is unlikely but never impossible.
I needed to call him to ask about an Ocado order (how mundane).
We have the Life360 app which tracks where our family circle is at any time and it's real time and also sends a message when anyone leaves home or gets home. It's useful to know when people are arriving back for various things like mealtime planning but I don't watch it like a hawk. Sometimes I'll acknowledge that OH or DD have left home or college and if I need an ETA I might physically and specifically check location. Other than that, not much though given.
OH hadn't realised that his every move was tracked and started moaning about this last week and I didn't give it any thought because it wasn't important at the time.
I just went to see when he's due back as I'm cooking and also doing the Ocado order with my free hand and he's travelling from two counties away today and saw his location was not known. I was going to ask him for our £15 off voucher order and checkout the delivery. So I called him and got that info but also asked if he's logged out of Life360. He's said he deleted the app entirely as he's not comfortable.

I said "I'm not the Government FFS" and then after mutual huffing talked about other stuff and then stirred my rice.

aibu to think he's being really precious or having an affair. The affair bit is tonguw in cheek but then I thought well, he could actually be.

Irritated either way.

OP posts:

Witsender · 19/07/2017 20:59

I don't think the OP is controlling. The family installed something, the DH wanted it too. He is now claiming he didn't know what it did and has got in a grump about it, enough to remove it when he wanted it too. I too would be a bit but in the absence of other issues would assume he was a bit of an idiot who hadn't really understood what it was, or just thought it would be used on the wife and kids.

Either way, absolutely fine for others not to like the idea. But this family did, and now one doesn't.

caffeinestream · 19/07/2017 21:00

Why don't you just cook dinner once people get home? misses point

Itsnotwhatitseems · 19/07/2017 21:01

TBF there is a safety aspect of this ap, if someone got hurt or lost, it would be a good way of tracking them.

Original poster

Ahardyfool · 19/07/2017 21:01

Probably boringly am but several life details would lead people to believe otherwise as was quite car crash until my 40s

OP posts:

FUNM · 19/07/2017 21:01

Next step when he is asleep injet him with an electronic tag/ chip

RortyCrankle · 19/07/2017 21:01

Creepy as hell and there is no way I would agree to have this on my phone. And to answer your question, no, I don't think it's your OH who is being a dick.

You said in your OP OH hadn't realised that his every move was tracked and started moaning about this last week and I didn't give it any thought because it wasn't important at the time. Well it may not have been important to you at the time but it was obviously important to him. Do you always dismiss and ignore whatever your DH says? If so you have bigger problems than him cancelling the app.

elevenclips · 19/07/2017 21:01

The thing is, trust is something that can be considered the other way.

So, you have a tracking app. Just go about your business doing whatever, trusting that your spouse will look at it only from time to time for a practical reason rather than tracking your movements every day. It would be creepy if you thought your partner was tracking your movements. But they aren't and that's what you have to trust.

We have the ability to track each other using find my iPhone. I log into it about twice a month when I think of it if dh is late and I'd prefer to do that rather than call when he might be driving. We'd never get rid of it because most of the time we use it to locate our wayward phones (it sends an audible alert to the phone so you can find it down the back of the sofa etc).

I'd be suspicious if (after having used these arrangements loosely as I described above) dh wanted rid of it.

hopeful31yrs · 19/07/2017 21:02

It's about trust in your relationship. I don't think it's particularly about the app. My DH and I have this too. We've stored our home and work locations on there so we don't have to physically ring each other when one of us leaves work or home. It saves time when we're both driving like crazy to do nursery pick ups. I've looked at his location other than this once or twice in a few years when he was driving a longish distance. Both have nothing to hide so we don't care.

Original poster

Ahardyfool · 19/07/2017 21:02

Well, that's my thinking but clearly I am odd and a control freak!

OP posts:

PenguinOfDoom · 19/07/2017 21:02

I would hate this too. I don't blame your DH for being pissed off.

DH and I have find my iphone enabled because we often want to know when one or the other is on the way home for lifts. I also hike alone sometimes in rural areas so he likes to know he can find out where I am if there's a problem. We don't check it otherwise.

SomeKnobend · 19/07/2017 21:02

If he was fine with it before, so much so that he persuaded the kids to have it, and now he's so not fine with it that he's deleted it (so now he can't see where the kids are) then something big has changed to cause that U-turn. Why was it important to him before to be able to see where the kids are, but now it's not if the cost of that is them/you being able to see where he is?

I get why lots of people are saying "fuck off I'd NEVER install that", but op's dh wasn't one of those people - he was fine with it before. What's changed? OP have you outright asked him, because I would. It's fucking weird to just do a massive U-turn out of nowhere. Unless he's a politician and it's just force of habit?

hopeful31yrs · 19/07/2017 21:04

Oh and we mutually agreed the app.

EC22 · 19/07/2017 21:08

I have find my friend for my husband as he works all over and can't text to let me know where he is. I don't reciprocate as I he dorsnt ever need to know where I am.
I don't think your oh is a dick or cheat.

Original poster

Ahardyfool · 19/07/2017 21:09

Exactly THIS!! I don't really think he's having an affair. We are both very committed to each other and have been through a million hardships together and we have a very stable relationship. One can never totally exclude doubt in my opinion but I would be stunned if he had fidelity reasons for deleting and think he would feel the same about me. We are friends and partners and give each other plenty of space and time to do stuff independently but we're also each other's rock. I couldn't do half what I do without him and believe he would say the same of me. We know the best and worst of one another; he was there through my fathers illness and death and I've supported him through his own personal difficulties at other times.
I'm surprised and feel that he has indicated a weird and unusual distrust of me which is out of character. I feel this more than I feel a lack of trust in him about his possible reasons for not wanting the app tbh.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 19/07/2017 21:12

Well maybe OP mentions 'but I saw you at X location' once to often

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 19/07/2017 21:15

OP you are not a control freak!

He was the one who installed it in the first place, for your family and he has suddenly decided he doesn't like it. I would find it a bit odd too.

We installed the Find My Friends App a few months ago. DH is in London twice a week, He is all over the place, frequently going into places which would be terrorist targets. He was there on 7/7 and I didn't know he was ok for 3 hours. After the recent attacks I suggested the app and he thought it was a fab idea.
We have been married for 28 years, no trust issues what so ever. I'm glad I am married to someone who cares about my irrational anxiety feelings instead of thinking I'm a paranoid, Big Brother.

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 21:16

your over thinking it x

Guepe · 19/07/2017 21:19

Have you asked him what he thought the app did? Maybe he thought it could be used to track someone, in case of emergency (which is a valid reason to use an app like this) but didn't realize it was tracking and displaying everyone's every move, or perhaps that it was being used to track the kids only.

Gracefulgiraffe · 19/07/2017 21:20

You sound incredibly controlling, if this was a man insisting his wife/girlfriend had this app it was be seen as abusive. I'm glad he has deleted it.

coconuttella · 19/07/2017 21:22

I have "find my iPhone" on my phone and my DP can locate me if needed.... It doesn't impact on what i do or where I go... If there was ever a time when my DP used this app to try and control me, I would have serious words with my DP and unless it stopped sharpish it would be a dealbreaker... as that isn't happening I don't see the problem - it's useful for us to know each other's locations sometimes when cooking etc.

Justwondering1 · 19/07/2017 21:23

I'm feeling quite shocked because we use this app without much thought or angst. We were told about it when DD1 started secondary school (we live in central London and she was travelling on her own on public transport so v reassuring to know she had arrived safely). Then DH and I agreed it would be really helpful with meal timing to know how close to home we each were so we all now have the app. No sense of stalking/mistrust or anything really - I'm amazed at people feeling so threatened by the concept, it's just really helpful for our family. Bit shocked by the alarmed reactions.

harshbuttrue1980 · 19/07/2017 21:23

Genuine question - do any of the people on here who have this app have jobs, or are you housewives? I have this image of the OP and the others who have this app obsessing over their DH's every move because they're bored at home and don't have enough to do. With two working people, I don't imagine there would be enough time to be so fixated on the whereabouts of your partner. If a man wanted to track me, I'd be seriously scared off and tellhim to get a life of his own.

totallyliterally · 19/07/2017 21:23

I use find friends have have most my family, partner and friends on it and they have me. It's so handy and my life must be utterly dull as I have no issue people knowing where I am.

MyPepper · 19/07/2017 21:24

I don't think he is indicated a weird distrust of you.

That sort of apps feel like an invasion of my privacy to me. Just like someone who would go and check what I'm doing on my ipad and on which threads did I post on MN.
Or who did I call/text today.
It would be very uncomfortable about it. And I don't have anything to hide at all.

Other feeling coming up for me too is feeling like a teenager that can't be trusted. Aka it's not you who can't be trusted not to misused the app. But it's like it's OK to checked upon to see my whereabouts like if I was still a teenager, one that that needs to be checked upon because they will be up to no good (actually fwiw, i don't have such an app on my own dcs phones. It would feel just as wrong)

Violetcharlotte · 19/07/2017 21:24

I hate these tracking apps. Not because I've got something to hide, it's just an invasion of privacy. I don't think it's healthy to know each other's every move. I've got friends who track their teenage kids and it becomes an obsession.

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