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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU over EX new partner trying to make out my DD is her own

151 replies

Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 13:31

back ground, Been together just over a year and are engaged. Ive never met this woman. my Narc Ex wouldnt allow that to happen.

Anyway DD likes her, it seems that she takes a bulk of the care when she should be having contact with EX, they live together etc.

Im grateful that she likes my dd. im gratefull my dd likes her. What im not happy about is her constant posts on social media of pics with my DD claiming she "loves her little family"

Erm, hang on love.... "your" family! last time i checked i carried DD for 9 months and went through the traumatic birth, not you!

You see her for 2 days out of 14!

Icing on the cake a few weeks ago, ex was going out of town for the weekend on his access days and he wanted his partner to have access in his place. I refused.

So, AIBU to feel this angry about it all. (note the anger is kept to myself and is self consuming :)

OP posts:

Justhadmyhaircut · 19/07/2017 13:35

As shit as it makes you feel they are your dd other family. . And be grateful he asked you about the week end as what he does /who he has with dd whether he is there or not is not up to you to dictate. . Been there and its awful. . But reality I am afraid.

MsMarvel · 19/07/2017 13:35

In the nicest way possible, yes YABU.

She is not referring to her as her daughter, but including her in her family. Which she is.

When my dp is away or working etc, I still have dsd to stay. It keeps contact regular for the sake of the child, and IMO contact time isnt only to see hthe him resident parent, its to see extended family, grandparents , aunties and uncles, and and step parents etc.

Be happy that everyone involved is happy, and that your child is comfortable with the situation. Would she have been happy to go stay with her step mum?

silkpyjamasallday · 19/07/2017 13:36

I have no experience of this, but I would hate it, and it would make me pretty angry. Unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do about it, as people will just say it's nice that your exs partner wants to be involved with your dd, and make out that you are being unreasonable by objecting to her weird social media projection of happy families.

If the relationship continues then she may be more justified in seeing your dd as part of her family, but after a year of eow visits it's insulting to suggest that makes them as close as family.

PinkHeart5911 · 19/07/2017 13:37

I can see why you'd feel angry and if I'm completely honest if me & dh ever broke up I think I'd feel like you do about another women saying that about my dc.

But maybe in a way it's a good thing she sees your dd "as family" rather than just some baggage? As it means your dd gets a nice time when she visits

But I do absolutely agree you were right to not give ex access to the new partner, I mean what world does your ex live in 😂

justkeepswimmingg · 19/07/2017 13:38

I understand why you're angry, I would be a little annoyed. As you say she's your DD, not hers. I don't think it's you being jealous or spiteful, as I'm sure some people may say. DD is yours and your XP, and although it's great that DD likes her, it's not necessary for her to spend one to one time with her. As you say you've not even met her.
Best idea would be to delete her or XP from Facebook, or unfollow, as not to see the 'family' photos and posts. You'll just end up winding yourself up.

Underthemoonlight · 19/07/2017 13:38

I get how you feel it's pretty hard pill to swallow having another woman in your child's life but it does get easier and I'm just thankful she's nice and DS has four instead of two people who love him and is very lucky.

NoBetterName · 19/07/2017 13:38

She's not saying your dd is her daughter though, is she? I count my step mum as being my family and would refer to her as "family". It doesn't mean I think she's my mum. I can understand why it is annoying, but you are surely all part of a blended family. I certainly see my step-dd and step-ds as family, but I don't see them as my children (I have my own), but yes, they arev family.

notsomuchgreen · 19/07/2017 13:40

There could be some strange things going on in the GF's head, especially if there is some reason why she or they aren't able to have DC.

DD is not GF's family, to call her so is inappropriate, but why is GF being given babysitting duties by ExH may I ask?

YADNBU

MsMarvel · 19/07/2017 13:44

For fuck sakes. This place is completely ridiculous in its opinions of step parents.

Apparently the only reason a woman could be loving towards a child that is not their own is because she has mental issues and unable to habe her own children.

It really is completely and utterly depressing that more than one person can come onto a thread and say this sort of bullshit.

Original poster

Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 13:46

Like I said in my first post. Im grateful that DD likes her, and I'm grateful she likes DD.

But posting pics of my DD with the tag line. "My Girl" and "My Family" is a push to far IMO.

I too have a Step Mother & Father, I've never called them that though, they will always be my mum and dads partners and they've been in my life for 20 years. If they havent earned that title she hasnt after a few months.

Its just the posts that infuriate me, i dont have them on social media but the reports of such posts always come back to me

OP posts:

Piratesandpants · 19/07/2017 13:49

YANBU. It's great they have a good relationship but those social media posts are inappropriate, insensitive and do not respect you or the boundaries.

XJerseyGirlX · 19/07/2017 13:49

Saying " My little Family " isn't the same as saying your DD is her daughter. If ex is the Narc you say he is, maybe it better that another woman is around and cares for her who she can have some fun with.

Plus, all of this woman's Facebook friends know well and good that she doesn't have a child so there's no confusion there.

It is a bit infuriating, but she probably didn't mean it like that

Seenoevil · 19/07/2017 13:50

But your daughter is part of her family with your ex.

They are a family. Him, her and his daughter.

Tell people to stop gossiping and sharing stuff back to you on social media, it's hard for you and I'm not saying otherwise but your dd is happy and that's the main thing.

ChasedByBees · 19/07/2017 13:51

I totally understand why you're upset. She's not saying that she's her mother though, just that she considers her part of her family. You're her mother, no one else will ever have that place.

Groupie123 · 19/07/2017 13:51

Are you dating? I think you should try to move on from your ex and his new partner - moving on romantically might help with this.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 13:53

There could be some strange things going on in the GF's head, especially if there is some reason why she or they aren't able to have DC.

Really?! Or she could just be a nice person who actually likes dd and enjoys being in her life, is that so hard to believe?

Some people are morons.

Op, I can understand that it's hard but your daughter likes her. As harsh as it sounds its your daughters opinion that matters, not yours.

0ccamsRazor · 19/07/2017 13:53

You do not have to look at her facebook posts Op, if it annoys you just block her so that you can not see them.

loveslipstick · 19/07/2017 13:53

Personally, I would cut out anyone reporting back to you. That person is a snake and you don't know what snaking about they are doing around you!
Step parents are a funny thing, some people accept them as additional parents as they have that relationship and others just see them as a parents new partner.
Realistically lots of how you feel about her is to do with how you feel about him and a woman who wants her partner to have contact with his kids and be part of that child's life is a good egg.
She isn't going to ever replace you, but the world is full of people who say that their child gets treated second class when a relationship breaks down so your daughter is a lucky one.

I'm not saying I could manage it myself as I genuinely think I would struggle like you are but from an outsiders perspective it is a good thing.

I wouldn't knowingly allow unsupervised access to my child with anyone I didn't know however I have done too much safeguarding work and it has probably skewed my perception

JacquesHammer · 19/07/2017 13:55

YABU

My daughter has a step-mum. She is part of her family.

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/07/2017 13:55

yanbu

Only a year and with such little contact, calling her my girl etc. on social media makes her sound unhinged.

I'd try to have a quiet word and ask that she be more appropriate.

Bluebell878275 · 19/07/2017 13:56

Don't look at the pictures then, or ask people to stop telling you about them - it seems to only make you angry. How you feel about your step-parents are your feelings alone. How your daughter feels about the GF is a different thing - her feelings aren't an extension of yours. She might feel close to her and, you never no, she might be closer to her in later years than she is to you. It might not be nice to hear but that is the reality of blended families (and the GF is her family if this is a long-term relationship).

I'm surprised your ex asked about the going away for the weekend thing - he really didn't have to. To refuse access that weekend was very odd - your daughter does need to spend time with the GF alone sometimes. As you said, they only see her 2 days out of 14, the more time spent together the more relaxed and happy your daughter will be when she goes home to them for the weekends.

Groupie123 · 19/07/2017 13:56

Are you dating? I think you should try to move on from your ex and his new partner - moving on romantically might help with this.

RedTitsMcGinty · 19/07/2017 13:58

You'll get loads of people telling you how great it is that she loves your kid. I'm with you, though - if ex-DH's girlfriend ever refers to DD as "my girl" I'd be making it very clear to her that's she's not.

Incidentally, my cousin does this with her stepson on FB "my son" this and "my son" that. I wince everytime I see it.

Purplemac · 19/07/2017 13:58

YABU. I get that you're upset but she's not really doing anything wrong? I have a DSD. I have been her stepmum for 2 years and her dad's partner for 3 years before that. I would never put anything on social media claiming her to be "my daughter" but I sure as hell will say "my girl". Her stepdad will also post photos of her with her (half)sister - his daughter with DSD's mum - and say "our girls". DH doesn't have a problem with this, neither does his ex. We are two families, DSD is a part of two families. She is not a possession, she does not "belong" only to her mum and her dad. Same as your DD.

You're projecting with your own stepparents - just because YOU chose not call them stepparents, doesn't mean you get to make that choice for your DD.

Original poster

Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 14:02

I think my post has gotten a little lost in translation.

I'm happy and grateful that DD and ex's new partner have a good relationship. (this is only fed back from DD who is 4, of course she likes Ex's new partner, she bakes cupcakes and plaits her hair for her because daday can't)

What I am not happy about is her posting pictures of my DD on social Media with tag lines like "My Girl" "My Family" "My World" etc.

Neither am I happy with a person I have never met caring for my child for 3 days without another family member present.

I do not need to get over my ex as someone kindly pointed out, and at no point have I said i am jelous of this woman or her relationship with my ex.

so my question to you all who say IABU, how would you feel if a person you had never met was posting pictures of your DC on social media in this way?!

OP posts:

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