Page 4 | AIBU over EX new partner trying to make out my DD is her own

Bearhunter3126 · 2017-07-19T12:31:17+00:00

back ground, Been together just over a year and are engaged. Ive never met this woman. my Narc Ex wouldnt allow that to happen. Anyway DD likes her, it seems that she takes a bulk of the care when she should be having contact with EX, they live together etc. Im grateful that she likes my dd. im gratefull my dd likes her. What im not happy about is her constant posts on social media of pics with my DD claiming she "loves her little family" Erm, hang on love.... "your" family! last time i checked i carried DD for 9 months and went through the traumatic birth, not you! You see her for 2 days out of 14! Icing on the cake a few weeks ago, ex was going out of town for the weekend on his access days and he wanted his partner to have access in his place. I refused. So, AIBU to feel this angry about it all. (note the anger is kept to myself and is self consuming :)

LaVacheQuiPleure · 19/07/2017 15:14

I think there is some boundary blurring going on here. It is great that your DD's stepmum cares so much about her but you already realise that. You also seem to accept that this woman is now part of your DD's family - and, as someone else pointed out, you don't own your children. I think PPs are right - she is simply seeking validation of her place by broadcasting to fb the captions like: my family etc. I think, though, that "my girl" does cross a line but I'm not sure there is much you can do about it. If your ex is a narc, he isn't going to support you on this. If you think the GF is decent and mature, you could message her directly to say how grateful you are that she is dealing with your DD with kindness and love and that you accept that she is part of your DD's family life but that you would appreciate her not referring directly to your daughter as her own child. I would totally take that on board (would never do it in first place...) in that situation and would feel a bit shamefaced that I'd done it in the first place. Your role as her mum is special and important. The GF can play a great, and different, role in her life but she shouldn't be usurping yours.

With regards to the access weekend, YANBU. There is no need for her to go if DF will not be present. Access is for DF not for GF. You could offer to swap weekends on that one occasion so she doesn't miss out on time with her DF. It's not about the child's "time at her DF's home" as someone else claimed above. It is about her time with her DF and nothing else.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 15:17

No I don't think it's odd at all because in my eyes, it's his contact weekend. It's his decision who he asks to look after dd that weekend. Just as if op was busy on her weekend it would be up to her to ask dds dad, or someone else. And it would be up to her to decide who she asked.

If your preference is the other parent and they are free, great. But it doesn't HAVE to revert to the other parent in my eyes iyswim

I can understand why op would like to meet her, of course I can. But her ex is under no obligation to introduce them. He was under no obligation to ask op in the first place though either

sabbath84 · 19/07/2017 15:19

Yabu but I do understand your feelings. The social media posts are a bit much.
But you have someone in your dd's life that obviously cares for her and wants to be involved. And not a partner who couldn't give a toss and trying to get in the way of a father/daughter relationship.

To me you were bang out if order saying no to the exp regarding that weekend. It was his visitation time, do you allow him to veto your childcare plans. He was showing you a common courtesy in speaking to you about it.

If its a private agreement not court ordered you risk ipening up a can of worms with it.

PeroxideBosco · 19/07/2017 15:20

Well I certainly wouldn’t send my child to stay overnight in the sole company of someone I’d never even met. That’s pretty shoddy parenting if you do.

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 15:22

No I don't think it's odd at all because in my eyes, it's his contact weekend. It's his decision who he asks to look after dd that weekend. Just as if op was busy on her weekend it would be up to her to ask dds dad, or someone else. And it would be up to her to decide who she asked

No sorry, I think you're wrong. If dad can't be available for his weekend contact and mum can, mum is under no obligation to send her to anyone just because dad said so. Why on earth would her mum send her to someone else, especially someone she's never even met, when she is available and wants to be with her DD.

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 15:26

phoenixtherabbit

Just as if op was busy on her weekend it would be up to her to ask dds dad, or someone else

But dad didn't ask mum. He should have and if OP said she already had plans or whatever and agreed for g/f to do it then that's different but OP wants to spend the time with her DD.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 15:27

Well I certainly wouldn’t send my child to stay overnight in the sole company of someone I’d never even met. That’s pretty shoddy parenting if you do

You may have never met them, but the child's other parent knows and lives with them. Your child knows and likes them. It's not shoddy parenting it's trusting and respecting the person you had the child with.

sabbath84 · 19/07/2017 15:28

Jenna you seem to forget they are both the parent here. I understand what you are saying. But does that give the father the right to veto dd staying overnight or anylength of time with a person he's never met. As i said a can of worms. If itd such a big deal then op needs to meet the fiance (someone who will be potentially in het dd's life for a long time.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 15:29

No sorry, I think you're wrong. If dad can't be available for his weekend contact and mum can, mum is under no obligation to send her to anyone just because dad said so. Why on earth would her mum send her to someone else, especially someone she's never even met, when she is available and wants to be with her DD*

It's not her weekend so as far as I'm concerned it's not her decision. Just as it wouldn't be dad's decision if it wasn't his weekend.

Mum doesn't own the child.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 15:30

But dad didn't ask mum. He should have and if OP said she already had plans or whatever and agreed for g/f to do it then that's different but OP wants to spend the time with her DD.

He's under no obligation to ask mum first. It's his weekend he can do what he likes for all intents and purposes.

MistressDeeCee · 19/07/2017 15:31

No I don't think it's odd at all because in my eyes, it's his contact weekend. It's his decision who he asks to look after dd that weekend. Just as if op was busy on her weekend it would be up to her to ask dds dad, or someone else. And it would be up to her to decide who she asked

^Hmm I wonder. If dad was the resident parent, OP wasn't. & on OPs turn for contact she would leave DD with her boyfriend and go out to do 'important stuff' or whatever. Would it be deemed acceptable then?

I doubt it would. It is always women expected to accommodate bs.

Lucie8881 · 19/07/2017 15:32

My ex and I have 3 children together and since splitting we have both re-married. He has our children every other weekend, this is an informal arrangement we agreed to between us.

If ex was away on his weekend the kids wouldn't go there. They go to see their dad, there's no obligation for the kids to spend contact time with his partner. If that was the case we would arrange another meet up so he could spend time with the kids the following weekend or perhaps have them over for tea in the week. In my set up my ex would prefer that anyway, he would rather the opportunity to spend time with the children.

In regard to the social media, I don't have them as "friends" on Facebook. What I don't see doesn't bother me IYSWIM.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 15:32

*^Hmm I wonder. If dad was the resident parent, OP wasn't. & on OPs turn for contact she would leave DD with her boyfriend and go out to do 'important stuff' or whatever. Would it be deemed acceptable then?

I doubt it would. It is always women expected to accommodate bs.*

Of course it is. It's not one rule for one, one rule for another is it? oh wait it's mumsnet course it is

Original poster

Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 15:35

No I don't think it's odd at all because in my eyes, it's his contact weekend. It's his decision who he asks to look after dd that weekend

I have no issue with him going out and leaving DD with his partner, but IMO that is different, because he would be home in a few hours. Its up to him who babysits our DD whilst in his care. But in this instance she wasnt in his care. He wasnt even in the same county and DD wouldnt have seen him at all over the weekend. it would have ment she collected her from childcare and dropped her back off at childcare after the weekend with no contact from DF at all.

If the situation arrises again I will stand my ground and do the same.
this could have been avioded simply by DF booking his lads weekend away on the week before or the week after. its not hard to figure out when you'll have DD and you'll be available is it?!
I have lots of weekends away.... just not when our DD is in my care.

OP posts:

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 15:37

Jenna you seem to forget they are both the parent here. I understand what you are saying. But does that give the father the right to veto dd staying overnight or anylength of time with a person he's never met. As i said a can of worms. If itd such a big deal then op needs to meet the fiance (someone who will be potentially in het dd's life for a long time

If Dad would introduce g/f and Mum then he wouldn't be in this situation possibly. I still think it's very odd that a child would be sent to the g/f without dad being there when mum is available. They have only been together a year, it sounds like this is all being rushed, they need to slow down. And yes I think Dad has every right to question who his child is with if he has no idea who the person is, wouldn't any parent? I sure as hell wouldn't be sending my DD to someone, just because her dad was busy on his contact time, when I am available to parent her myself.

PeroxideBosco · 19/07/2017 15:38

You may have never met them, but the child's other parent knows and lives with them. Your child knows and likes them. It's not shoddy parenting it's trusting and respecting the person you had the child with.

I'm afraid I think it would be completely irresponsible to send your child to spend a weekend with someone you'd never met. His reluctance to introduce the woman to the OP is ridiculous. Until I'd met her in person my child would not be spending a weekend in her company alone.

Parenting 101.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 15:39

bear I suppose his booking wasn't ideal but I assume he cannot dictate to all of his friends because of his dd. Plus he had suitable childcare lined up (gf) so really it's a complete non issue.

I stand by the his weekend his choice whether he is there or not. Gf is and probably will continue to be a big part of dds life and you being difficult with her probably isn't going to get you anywhere. I doubt he will bother asking you again either

I understand your reservations but it's not just up to you. You can't dictate forever.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 15:41

*I'm afraid I think it would be completely irresponsible to send your child to spend a weekend with someone you'd never met. His reluctance to introduce the woman to the OP is ridiculous. Until I'd met her in person my childwould notbe spending a weekend in her company alone.

Parenting 101*

Thanks for your "lesson" but I still think you're wrong. The gf has been around a long time. Dd knows and likes her. Dad obviously trusts her enough. You don't have to know her. You're incredibly patronising. I assume you know and have had endless conversations with every member of staff at your child's school and interviewed every parent who your child has ever had a play date with?!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 19/07/2017 15:44

I do understand in a way, but if someone is looking after your child well, then that's far better than if she was neglecting her. It's all how it is managed and unfortunately you can't control much of what your Ex does. But if it gets too much, like not seeing her Dad hardly at all, that's a bit rubbish.

I also have had my Ex new partner treat my son a bit like a pet. At first I was grateful that she liked him and they got on, but as he's grown older it has got awkward. She'll overstep the mark, with no real experience of children, try and be his mate by taking things a bit far on social media which he finds embarrassing.

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 15:45

phoenixtherabbit You said:

No I don't think it's odd at all because in my eyes, it's his contact weekend. It's his decision who he asks to look after dd that weekend. Just as if op was busy on her weekend it would be up to her to ask dds dad, or someone else

I replied:
But dad didn't ask mum. He should have and if OP said she already had plans or whatever and agreed for g/f to do it then that's different but OP wants to spend the time with her DD

Now you're saying:
He's under no obligation to ask mum first. It's his weekend he can do what he likes for all intents and purpose

^So mum should ask dad to look after DD when she's busy on her weekend, but Dad doesn't need to ask mum when he's busy on his weekend?

PeroxideBosco · 19/07/2017 15:46

You don't have to know her. You're incredibly patronising.

Yeah so patronising, wanting to meet any adult whose house my child will be staying in.

You don't care. That's your call.

MistressDeeCee · 19/07/2017 15:48

OP 'not allowed' to meet the gfriend despite her closeness with DD

ExP off out and conveniently (for him, of course) leaving 'the unmeetable' with DD

Huge red flags and wrong for OP to be expected to feel fine with this, including pics all over the place of DD with someone she is banned from meeting?!

Fuck that, I wouldn't put up with it.. The main problem here is the ExPtho, not OP or the gfriend. I wonder if he has regular 1-1 time with DD including occasional outings just the 2 of them etc...

Original poster

Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 15:48

phoenixtherabbit

Im affraid we will have to agree to disagree. EX's DP can't collect our DD from school or childcare without both our say so.(this has never happened before and it wont happen either)
So if the situation arrises again DD will stay in my care.

As a full time working parent my weekends with DD are precious and I wouldnt give a single one up even for my best friends hen etc. I have access to a calendar and I plan my weekends without DD carefully to ensure I do not miss any valuble time with her. and IF I did have to give up my weekend it would be offered to DF and if he wasnt available then I would miss out and stay at home.

OP posts:

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 15:49

bear I suppose his booking wasn't ideal but I assume he cannot dictate to all of his friends because of his dd. Plus he had suitable childcare lined up (gf) so really it's a complete non issue

Yes if needed.

I stand by the his weekend his choice whether he is there or not. Gf is and probably will continue to be a big part of dds life and you being difficult with her probably isn't going to get you anywhere. I doubt he will bother asking you again either
being difficult? By wanting to parent your own child? Behave.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 15:50

So mum should ask dad to look after DD when she's busy on her weekend, but Dad doesn't need to ask mum when he's busy on his w£eekend

No I said dad or someone else if you read it properly. She's under no obligation to ask him she can ask who she likes. If she wants him fine. If she doesn't also fine.