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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over EX new partner trying to make out my DD is her own

151 replies

Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 13:31

back ground, Been together just over a year and are engaged. Ive never met this woman. my Narc Ex wouldnt allow that to happen.

Anyway DD likes her, it seems that she takes a bulk of the care when she should be having contact with EX, they live together etc.

Im grateful that she likes my dd. im gratefull my dd likes her. What im not happy about is her constant posts on social media of pics with my DD claiming she "loves her little family"

Erm, hang on love.... "your" family! last time i checked i carried DD for 9 months and went through the traumatic birth, not you!

You see her for 2 days out of 14!

Icing on the cake a few weeks ago, ex was going out of town for the weekend on his access days and he wanted his partner to have access in his place. I refused.

So, AIBU to feel this angry about it all. (note the anger is kept to myself and is self consuming :)

OP posts:
PeroxideBosco · 19/07/2017 14:02

'My family' and 'my girl' after being with your ex for one whole year? She seems a bit desperate. But as long as she's nice to your daughter I suppose you just have to suck it up and vent to a friend over a glass of wine.

user1489675144 · 19/07/2017 14:05

YABU - you don't own your child

She has 2 families and it is lovely that the new partner treats her like family...there are some not so nice people out there. Your child is lucky to have her as a second mum/potential step mother...

BitchQueen90 · 19/07/2017 14:06

YABU. My exh has a girlfriend who he has been with for 3 years. She treats my DS very well and she put a similar sort of thing on Facebook a while ago. I really can't get het up about it. If she demanded that DS call her "mum" or something then I'd be annoyed but at the end of the day, they ARE a blended family.

I do 80% of the childcare, DS goes to his dad's once a fortnight. It's hardly stepping on my toes.

Re the last part of your post though I wouldn't let my ex's DP have DS for a weekend without ex. Purely because I personally don't know her well enough.

TheNaze73 · 19/07/2017 14:06

YANBU. She sounds in a rush to play happy families.

user1493413286 · 19/07/2017 14:07

I can understand why you're upset; I have a step daughter and while I consider her family particularly as me and OH now have a baby, I don't ever post pictures of her on social media and I wouldn't refer to her as 'my girl' etc on social media. I don't think after a year I would have been calling her family either as a year for the relationship with the dad isn't actually that long.
I don't think it helps that you haven't been able to meet this woman. I met my stepdaughters mum once I started spending time with stepdaughter and while it wasn't the most comfortable experience it was worth doing as it made her feel comfortable that she knew who her daughter was spending time with.
I think it's fair enough you refused access when her dad was going away; it's one thing her looking after her for a coupleu of hours but for that amount of time without him there particularly when you don't know her seems too much.

19lottie82 · 19/07/2017 14:07

I can understand you feel hurt, but YWBU to say anything to your ex. I know it's hard but try to be glad that your ex has a partner that loves your DD and wants her in her life. The situation could be very different.

WonderLime · 19/07/2017 14:09

Neither am I happy with a person I have never met caring for my child for 3 days without another family member present.

What happens when they are married? Why don't you just ask to meet her once and for all? She has been in your ex's life for a year.

I honestly cannot see the problem with referring to her as 'my family' or 'my girl'. She's not calling her daughter, but it's really nice to know that your DD is loved. Isn't that far preferable to her not really caring about your DD?

user1493413286 · 19/07/2017 14:09

Also I'd have a real issue with someone I didn't know posting pictures of my daughter on social media to their 'friends' or 'followers' which are basically loads of other people I don't know, but then I'm very guarded with social media.

19lottie82 · 19/07/2017 14:10

The captions with the pictures are just words OP, as I said I can understand why you feel a bit annoyed / upset, but in the grand scheme of things, is it really a big deal?

Bluebell878275 · 19/07/2017 14:10

The GF is happy - leave her alone. She's found a man she loves and she seems to love your daughter - maybe that is 'her world'. Maybe it's irritating to you but she's doing nothing wrong.

You don't get to vet everyone that spends time alone with your daughter just because you are the mother. Your ex trusts her so that is good enough.

AmysTiara · 19/07/2017 14:10

I get how you feel.

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 14:11

Neither am I happy with a person I have never met caring for my child for 3 days without another family member present

Unfortunately i think you have to trust your ex's judgement. Essentially if he has your dd he could go out and leave dd with gf and there would be nothing you could do about it

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2017 14:14

It was my DSC who started referring to the four of us as "our family". They also refer to DH's and my wedding as "our wedding" e.g. theirs as well. Last week, out of the blue, DSD also said I was a great parent and guardian.

I love them, cherish them, consider them a huge part of my life, respect their Mum and Dad, don't pretend they're mine, but we are a family in our own right. And they're the ones who make a point of saying it - they suggest "family meetings", "family meals" (bit weird as we usually eat together), "family days out". It's part of them reiterating their belonging, in their two homes.

My SM is part of my family, I think it's a bit odd that after 20 years your step parents aren't considered part of your family.

It might seem early days, but if they get married she's going to be your daughter's stepmum and their relationship should be something extra in your child's life, I'm sure she's trying to do the right thing by her DP and your daughter, there's no reason she'd want to replace you. As hurtful as it must feel to see it as her treading on your toes, family doesn't exclusively mean people who share genes.

And your ex is no less of a parent because he didn't give birth to her.

Original poster
Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 14:19

Wonderlime, I have requested this, my Narc Ex will not allow this to happen.

Further backstory, I have another DD (18) and co parented with her father and his partner very well. however I had a relationship with his partner and even after they broke up I still classed this woman as a friend and I still do now.

I have no idea who this woman is, she isnt from the local area, she moved here to live with him from 200 miles away 8 months ago. I have asked Ex to arrange for us to meet but he has flatly refused. he said it isnt necessary.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 19/07/2017 14:19

You've missed a trick there, OP. This would have been a perfect time to met the woman who's invested her time/energy in your DD.

The bonus part would be ex free :)

WannaBe · 19/07/2017 14:19

Well, if you don't like what she writes on social media then don't have her on social media. Very simple really.

As for the things she writes, be grateful they have a decent relationship and again, what is on social media is just facebook and isn't really that relevant in the scheme of things.

Take it from one who is on the other side, the alternative is a horrible or even non existent relationship between child and step parent, and you really don't want to be on that side.

If she stays in your ex's life then she wil be family. If they have children together she will be the mother of your DD's siblings.

As for an unknown person looking after your DD, just be glad your ex told you about it so you could say no. The reality is that if he'd decided not to tell you then you would have no say in whether or not she look after your DD on his time. She's his child too and he has as much of a say in that as you do.

Seenoevil · 19/07/2017 14:20

Nothing has been lost in translation.

YABU.

You don't get to decide who your dd spends time with when she's with him, you don't need to meet the gf, she's good to your dd and that's what matters.

PeroxideBosco · 19/07/2017 14:24

I have asked Ex to arrange for us to meet but he has flatly refused. he said it isnt necessary.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want to meet this woman who's spending time with your daughter and referring to her as 'her world'.

QueenofallIsee · 19/07/2017 14:25

I do get it OP. I suspect that the Social Media thing is more the GF seeking validation from her friends and looking to formalise her relationship then any thought that she is actually your DD's parent. My daughters step mother is a very nice person who really loves DD and is wonderful with my other children. Missing in your set up that allowed me to feel like that is an introduction! You are within your rights to ask to meet her, or at least be on speaking terms as guardians of the same child! I would need to be satisfied that my child was being taken care of suitably whilst in her care. Will the Ex facilitate that if you ask him? I know you said not, but have you asked??

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/07/2017 14:26

2nd mum????

How ridiculous Hmm

Sunshinegirls · 19/07/2017 14:27

I understand that this is a difficult situation for you it is wonderful that she includes your daughter in her family. Believe me, things would be a lot more difficult for you if she didn't.

missmoz · 19/07/2017 14:28

Seenoevil

Don't see why it's unreasonable for the OP to meet the woman who is looking after her child...

The social media posts would irritate me a lot as well, she isn't your daughters family after just one year. But what she does seem to be is a loving and positive presence in your daughters life, and maybe in time she will become family. So I think, since your ex won't say anything, you'll just have to try and suck it up for the greater good...

Whether this woman sticks around and becomes a step-mother to your daughter or not, you will always be your daughter's mum.

QueenofallIsee · 19/07/2017 14:28

Sorry X posted !!!

BarbarianMum · 19/07/2017 14:31

Yeah sorry, still think YABU. Maybe this woman will be a flash in the pan, maybe she won't.

Rhubarbtart9 · 19/07/2017 14:32

Stop following her on social media. I know you find it painful but it is wonderful your DD has such a good relationship and is clearly highly thought of.

You're completely irreplaceable. Try to feel happier for her and yourself