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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over EX new partner trying to make out my DD is her own

151 replies

Bearhunter3126 · 19/07/2017 13:31

back ground, Been together just over a year and are engaged. Ive never met this woman. my Narc Ex wouldnt allow that to happen.

Anyway DD likes her, it seems that she takes a bulk of the care when she should be having contact with EX, they live together etc.

Im grateful that she likes my dd. im gratefull my dd likes her. What im not happy about is her constant posts on social media of pics with my DD claiming she "loves her little family"

Erm, hang on love.... "your" family! last time i checked i carried DD for 9 months and went through the traumatic birth, not you!

You see her for 2 days out of 14!

Icing on the cake a few weeks ago, ex was going out of town for the weekend on his access days and he wanted his partner to have access in his place. I refused.

So, AIBU to feel this angry about it all. (note the anger is kept to myself and is self consuming :)

OP posts:
Rhubarbginisnotasin · 19/07/2017 16:41

OP, youre not being unreasonable. The fact is that this is all way too much way too soon.

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 16:46

JacquesHammer

That relationship has probably evolved over time. The g/f in this instance has only been with the dad for a year.

I have 2 dsc, it took a few years to get to the stage I on my own with them. It wouldn't have entered my head to ask for the DC when their dad was working etc.

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 16:46

*was on my own with them

JacquesHammer · 19/07/2017 17:06

She is upset with the over the top 'my girl' comments.
She is her dad's girlfriend.
Not her second mummy

I just don't get it. Some kids aren't lucky enough to have one parent that gives a shit. Mine has three. DD IS step-mum's girl. Step mum puts "family" pics on FB. I'm glad of it. That doesn't lessen my relationship, that doesn't make me less "mummy", it means she has two families who adore her.

Jenna - my DD has been staying alone with her step-mum since sh about 10 months into the relationship. DD asked, I was happy to facilitate.

AFAIC my role (and ex-DH's role) as separated parents is to make that as easy as we can and as amicable as we can for DD. So if DD says "daddy is away but I'd love to go as normal and stay with X" it would be foolish of me to turn that down because (a) I'm bloody delighted she has such a lovely step-mum and (b) all it is saying to her is "I'm not comfortable with you spending time with X". And in situations where there isn't concern over safety etc it shouldn't be about what I am comfortable with but what DD is comfortable with.

JacquesHammer · 19/07/2017 17:06

*no idea what the random "sh" is there Grin

Mari50 · 19/07/2017 17:07

OP YANBU.
In real life I don't know anyone who embraces step-parents the way they are on MN. Certainly not at the stage you are at anyway.

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/07/2017 17:10

Good for you Jaques.
Not everyone feels the same.
It doesn't mean they are insecure, wrong or jealous.
Their feelings are valid.

The OP is concerned that someone who is in a fairly new relationship with her child's father, someone she doesn't know, is playing at mummies with her child.
That isn't unreasonable and its perfectly natural.

JacquesHammer · 19/07/2017 17:15

Father does know her. She's marrying him. She will be step-mum.

"Playing mummies" is pretty insulting when in reality she could very well just being a caring adult.

I find the MN attitude to step-parents equally baffling and fascinating

JuicyStrawberry · 19/07/2017 17:20

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would cringe a bit if one of my friends posted a photo of him/herself with their stepchild and captioned it "my girl/boy". Especially after such a short space of time. Your dd isn't her girl- she's yours.

WinnieTheMe · 19/07/2017 17:20

I think the MN attitude towards stepparents is all about the insecurity of the mothers (it's nearly always mothers) and nothing about what is best for the child.

I have a fabulous relationship with my DSM, she's been in my life for years, she's the DGM to my DD, she bought my wedding dress and I totally refer to her as part of my family. I think most kids are better off for having more people love them.

PeroxideBosco · 19/07/2017 17:23

Father does know her. She's marrying him. She will be step-mum.

Which makes it all the more bizarre that the OP isn't allowed meet this woman. Very peculiar behaviour indeed.

Matilda2013 · 19/07/2017 17:32

I as a step mum wouldn't put "my girl" pictures but I do put family pictures because we are. We have been together four years and living together for three.

The difference here is we have her every single weekend and her mum insists on this even if dp isn't here.

demirose87 · 19/07/2017 17:33

I think there needs to be a bit of compromise, it's lovely that they have a great relationship, however I think your ex should let you meet her if they are referring to themselves as a family, out of respect for you.

demirose87 · 19/07/2017 17:41

But I wouldn't like the "my girl" comments if I'm being 100% truthful. That's not fair to you if you haven't even been allowed to meet the woman. You deserve to know who's in your child's life if they are going to play such a big part

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 17:51

Matilda2013

The difference here is we have her every single weekend and her mum insists on this even if dp isn't here

What about you? Are you happy with this arrangement?

Letsgetreadytorumbleagain · 19/07/2017 18:01

I'm finding these responses a bit strange - I've seen loads of threads on here where woman are told how irresponsible they are for introducing a man to their kids after only a year, but for some reason the OP is being told their odd for not letting a women she doesn't know look after her child for a weekend - surely the dad should be a bit more responsible HmmHmm

sundown45 · 19/07/2017 18:16

OP what if you got a new partner? Would you want him to think of your DD as his family? Or just his partners daughter?

Matilda2013 · 19/07/2017 18:18

I actually am okay with it because it's where she should be and she's part of our routine and our family.

I did recently get a little annoyed as we asked her to keep her for a weekend over the summer but she can't so that's done now.

I do understand that this all seems a bit fast and that leaving your kids with this woman isn't necessary at this time. And I do think you should get to meet her. It will be difficult otherwise. What happens at Christmas and birthdays etc?

Nitsuka · 19/07/2017 18:18

NOT RTFT so sorry if this has already been said.
You abu about the fact that she puts the nice things about your DD on Fb, as an adoptive mother I can assure you that giving birth does not make a mum and whilst new partner will never take your place, if she's a positive role model and going to be on the scene long term then she will be a mum of sorts, even if not THE mum iyswim.

However, yanbu about the fact you've not met her and not wanting DD to stay with her. Is there a reason why you need Ex's permission to meet her? If she's active on SM, can't you contact her directly with a friendly message saying you're really glad she has such a positive relationship with DD and you thinks it's daft you've not met yet. You could even add that you're uncomfortable with DD staying with someone you haven't met and you'd like to rectify this. Anyone with 1/2 a brain would clearly understand this.

IDoDaChaCha · 19/07/2017 18:21

Completely natural to feel territorial: she's your DD. But it's life: exes move on and meet other people. I'd be glad it works, there's harmony and the woman seems to have genuine care for DD. At least she's not a Cruella type :) x

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 18:25

Matilda2013

Just my opinion but I don't think you should be obligated to take DSD when dad is not there. If you choose to than that's different. There's been times I've been asked to have DSC when their dad is working etc and if I can I do, but if I have plans I don't.

Matilda2013 · 19/07/2017 18:29

If I don't fancy having her and it's very rare now he isn't here then her grandparents take her and they live nearby so I don't feel like she has to be with me but it's strange not having her when you're used to it.

MistressDeeCee · 19/07/2017 18:29

I'm finding these responses a bit strange - I've seen loads of threads on here where woman are told how irresponsible they are for introducing a man to their kids after only a year, but for some reason the OP is being told their odd for not letting a women she doesn't know look after her child for a weekend - surely the dad should be a bit more responsibl

^Exactly

Its MN strange double standards unfortunately. Used to be a horrible saying about it a few years back for women who introduced a man to their DCs fairly quickly and took his wants/needs into account....'cock b4 kids' or something similar.

Doesn't seem to applythe other way around tho. But I think thats to do with the times we are in now, MN nowadays is almost a different breed entirely. With so many saying "its not the 1950s you know!". Yet then proceeding to advise an OP to facilitate what the man wants and dictates at every corner.. & the few in between who aren't man-focused deemed unreasonable

So in this particular scenario the advice to OP in short mode is be quiet - put up - shut up.

user1497435493 · 19/07/2017 18:46

YANBU, tell her to get her OWN children. Hmm

phoenixtherabbit · 19/07/2017 19:09

What an ignorant thing to say user